'Plagiarism is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it paying homage!' - Peck
Parody is a difficult thing. At its best, it entertains and even pays tribute to those being parodied. At its worst, it can be cruel and misguided. When the things being parodied are held dear, it's a potential recipe for disaster. I think I avoided that powder keg, but time will be the judge of that.
The premise of Season 6 is that Jerry is so desperate to find Charlie work, he agrees to bring back "Sliders" for a 6th season. However none of the writers are willing to come back after the butchering their stories took in Season 5. So Peck comes up with a dastardly idea: pay homage to the Internet stories that already abound! So yes, Season 6 is a tour of the Sliders FanFic community. It is a parody, but no disrespect to the authors is intended. The stories were selected specifically because they were good enough for Peck and JOC to completely screw up. Most episode capsules of Season 6 take only an idea, a scene, or just a title before going off on their own lunatic way.
The key goal of this enterprise was not to belittle, but to promote. Remember- it takes a lot of guts to display very personal works to the whole wide world. I hold all members of the fanfic community in the highest of regards. After each parody, a link (or multiple links) is provided to the true story and I encourage everyone reading the parodies to make the jump. The real thing is usually a hell of a lot better than the rip-off. As of 11/22/2004, all active links were functional.
Finally, this is NOT a tour of what I consider the "absolute" best fan fiction out there. Season Six is actually very well mapped-out and has story arcs running through it. The fanfics were selected specifically because they fit the mold of the season. There is some extraordinary material out there that was not included because it just didn't work with what I wanted to do.
My thanks go out to the entire Sliders community, particularly the people at eGroups who "viewed" the season in its first run. Their feedback and support was never underappreciated. So enjoy, have a laugh, and click those links!
Somewhere in Los Angeles, a phone is ringing....
"What if you could travel between infinite universes? All of which could be simulated in the backlot of Universal Studios? Where nepotism is the way of the world? And where your dreams of becoming an Executive Producer came true? I made it all happen. Now the only problem is finding my brother a steady acting gig.
Earth 10153 | Season Six
"Hey Jerry, we're all set to go!"
601 | When Kromaggs Attack!
"Sliders" returns to its parent network with a two-hour extravaganza! A slow, painful, uncharacteristically expository two hour extravaganza.
In summary, Quinn and Maggie have been happily married for a few months and the honeymoon is far from over. This is quite graphically depicted in no less than eight unnecessarily explicit scenes. Rembrandt and Arturo went on tour as the Cryin' Man and the Spinning Tenor and their single, "Weeping Wall of Galactic Clusters", made it all the way to #7 on as many as eight different college radio stations. And Colin, who resides in Quinn and Maggie's pool house, has made inventing his profession. Unfortunately, he has yet to find a market for his steam-powered canoe.
The five are together for the unveiling of Colin's electric spoon when a mysterious vortex opens, depositing an old nemesis/ally. An excruciating twenty minutes pass before Quinn is finally able to place her.
Quinn: I remember you now! Mary, the dead chick from Outpost 113.
After smacking Colin upside the head, Mary congratulates the Sliders on defeating the stupid Season 4 Kromaggs. But if they're up for a real challenge, they still have to deal with the diabolical Season 2 Kromaggs. She then reveals that there are precisely 249,118 of them still in the multiverse scattered over 23 planets, three moons, one quasar, and a Kentucky Fried Chicken in a lower orbit. They are accompanied by 1,864 Kromagg dogs, 752 Kromagg cats, 212 Kromagg bunnies, and a pair of ill-tempered Kromagg giraffes. If the Sliders do not defeat them all, including the giraffes, they will be forced to return for a seventh season to finish the job.
"Good God, NOOOOOOOO!" cries Rembrandt.
Knowing what they must do, Quinn, Colin, Maggie and Rembrandt slide after Mary. Arturo bails out saying: "I'ma getting too olda for this-a shit. Kick-a some Kromagg ass-ah for me, eh!"
In the final twist, we see Mary approach a man in the darkness.
Mary: It is done, sir. The Sliders fell for the Kromagg crap hook, line, and sinker.
The Mystery Man walks into the light, revealing himself to be- Wing?!
Wing: Write me out after Season 1, will they? We'll see about that.
Despite the fact that not a single Kromagg appears in this episode let alone attacks, FOX execs loved the show and slated it for its powerhouse Wednesday night line-up, which would feature "Sliders" at 9 and repeats of more popular shows at 8 and 8:30.
The following line does not appear in the episode as Cleavant just couldn't say it with a straight face. After 17 takes, Jerry gave up.
"It's about time! I've had a hankering for a Maggot-sandwich."
Want a story with actual Kromaggs forcing the Sliders to go back into the vortex? Check out Slider8_'s Season Seven premiere "New Beginnings" at http://slider8.homestead.com/NewBeginnings.html. (Actually, you can't now because Homestead deleted Slider8_'s site. Sorry.)
You've seen what happens when Kromaggs attack (or don't), but what happens when Peckinpah attacks? http://slidersweb.net/blinker/69. Hey, I have to plug Blinker's Earth 69. It's a compulsion.
602 | Total Request Dead
This episode is a concession to both Cleavant and Kari, who left promising musical careers to return to the show. Well, Cleavant left a promising career... Kari just sort of left.
We join the Sliders at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in lower orbit. Though they've found no Kromaggs, they did discover a family size bucket of chicken with a side of mashed potatoes. Colin, intrigued by a utensil known as a 'spork,' wonders if he can make an electrical version. But Quinn is uneasy. Those Kromaggs had fooled him before, and Quinn couldn't take the chance that these minimum wage workers who couldn't differentiate between honey and barbecue sauce weren't actually Kromagg operatives in disguise. So as they leave, he blows the restaurant to kingdom come in one of the most brilliant CGI effects the series has ever seen. And that was just the teaser!
The real episode takes place in a world where the battle for pop supremacy has taken its toll. Instead of seeking out talented and innovative singers and songwriters, unimaginative record companies decided to merely clone whatever was successful. If you had a pretty face and a good body, a record contract was yours. Needless to say, Maggie was discovered less than six minutes into the slide, much to Rembrandt's horror.
But like any world that seems too good to be true, there is a horrible catch. The glut of no-talent pin-up girls and boy bands has become so severe that this world has created a way to weed them out. Every day at five, four pop singers must compete on live TV to see who can get the most votes. The artist with the least is executed, and Maggie's number comes up quick.
Desperate for lyrics, she begs Rembrandt for help, but in his bitterness he refuses. So Maggie is forced to sing about whatever comes into her head- some nonsense about flowers and a few very thinly veiled references to obscene acts with a toaster oven. Guilty that he hung her out to dry, Rembrandt storms the stage and gets Maggie to follow along in a duet of "Who Stole My Woman?" Maggie is saved and the Sliders leave this world to its own cruel fate.
I can't imagine why Maggie was struggling with such Dylan-esque prose as the following:
"When you hold down the lever, I feel warm inside
Just can't get enough of Kari singing? Then join HurriKain on the Crapparatus as he tries to review Wuhrer's debut album "Shiny" at http://slidersweb.net/blinker/msted/shiny/shiny1.htm. Bring your own CRACK-o-meter.
603 | The Cracked, Dark, Gilded, Shadowy Reflective Mirror
When Quinn and company encounter a fellow group of Sliders featuring the original cast members, both groups are forced to confront the changes that have occurred in themselves as well as their chances of finding home. Well, that was the plan, but as usual things sort of lost their way.
It all began when Peckinpah inexplicably spent three episodes' worth of the CGI budget with the exploding Kentucky Fried Chicken effect in the previous episode. Therefore instead of having Jerry and Cleavant play both sets of Quinns and Rembrandts, other actors had to be brought in. Cleavant had his twin brother stand in again, but Jerry's brother Charlie was already playing Colin. Clearly this called for some creative casting. In the end Charlie ended up playing Quinn's double with Jared Leto playing the part of Colin. Kari Wuhrer played Wade and Patricia Arquette returned to play Maggie. The role of Arturo went to Roger Daltrey who after all is British.
In a stroke of comic genius, Jerry decides to have the two vortexes open directly opposite each other, causing each Slider to collide with his/her double or replacement character as s/he exits the wormhole. Panic sets in as the eight Sliders can't tell which is which. They look so much alike! But it doesn't take too long to figure out who's who through a series of moving scenes that just tug at the heartstrings:
The episode climaxes with both groups discovering that there is only one earth to go home to...and we know that our group has already found it. "Tough luck, suckers!" yells Quinn as both groups slide out.
There are so many good stories out there that address doubles and splits that I couldn't possibly reference them all. The two with the most influence on this episode are Chaser9's "Reflections" at http://slidersweb.net/otherworlds/fics/reflections.htm and my own "Splitting Hairs" at http://slidersweb.net/otherworlds/317/319.htm. They both seriously explore the consequences of dimensional splits, but come to very different conclusions.
604 | Dude, Where's My Timer?
Looking to capitalize off of the 136 seconds of face time that Charlie gets in the film, "Dude, Where's My Car?", FOX orders this episode be made. Peck and Jerry readily agree, citing the tremendous success and long standing popularity of the Season Three crossover episode "Slither."
Quinn and Colin wake up on the floor of the Chandler Hotel without any recollection of how they got there. There's no sign of Rembrandt or Maggie. Even worse, the timer's missing!
Quinn: Dude, do you have the timer?
And this mind-numbing torture continues for an hour. The poor viewing audience isn't even spared during the commercial breaks as Charlie and co-star Ashton Kutcher are co-hosting FOX's "Dude, Where's the Remote Control?" Wednesday.
In the end, the two team up with Ice Cube to battle a gigantic velour snake for the timer, all the while trying to stave off an interdimensional war between the Kromaggs and the Wuzzles. I won't even dignify the stunningly inappropriate conclusion with a write-up.
What's really sad is that I didn't need to add anything to turn this into a parody. Don't believe me? Read the actual press release from "Dude, Where's My Car?":
"Before the day is over, the dudes learn they possessed - and lost - a suitcase full of cash, and met a gorgeous gender-challenged stripper and six sexy, jumpsuit-clad alien women. Now, they're caught in the middle of an intergalactic war... with the fate of the universe at stake. SWEET!"
This movie got made, but a Sliders movie is still on the shelf? I'm too furious to provide a link.
605 | ReBooty
The teaser places our fearless foursome on a world obsessed with Jerry O'Connell. Convinced that Quinn is Jerry, hordes of screaming girls are chasing after the Sliders throughout the streets of Los Angeles to the sounds of "Soul Bossa Nova." Just as they're about to slide, Maggie is hit in the head from behind by a brick.
When we return from commercial, Maggie is in a hospital recovering. The doctor tells the others that he has some disturbing news. The blow to the head has caused Maggie's brain to start opening up areas that were previously inoperative including the zones controlling logic, sensitivity, and discretion. When she regains consciousness, Maggie has an overwhelming urge to play bridge and watch the Oxygen network.
While Colin and Rembrandt like the new Maggie, Quinn dearly misses the woman he married.
"I can't take this anymore. She's never around—she's always off volunteering at soup kitchens and tutoring inner city kids how to read. What about my needs?" Quinn laments.
So Quinn enlists Colin to help him get the old Maggie back. Acts 3 and 4 are devoted to the two of them conspiring to drop various things on her head to jog her memory- a vase, an anvil, even a grand piano. They finally accomplish their goal when Colin "accidentally" hits her with a shovel after Quinn "inadvertently" drives a golf ball at her. When Maggie regains consciousness, she exclaims she's never done it with a shovel before. Quinn knows the old Maggie is back!
Ever wonder how Maggie went from such a mega-bitch to an almost valued member of the team so quickly? Nigel Mitchell pondered the same thing and came up with "Reboot", a two-part adventure for the Infinite Slides project. Find it here at http://www.psi-fi.com/IS/eps/RebootOne.htm.
606 | The Man Who Became Unstuck and Then Split Into Two
Guest Starring Mandy Patankin as Geiger
The nefarious Dr. Geiger Counter, once half-man/half-dolphin, once man who couldn't live without water, is back with a new affliction. He's just gotta sing!
Created expressly as part of the deal Peck struck with Cleavant and Kari to come back, the entire episode is put to music. Geiger and the Sliders sing, croon, and even squaredance through a convoluted plot so twisted only one man could have penned it: David Peckinpah himself.
A leftover from Season Five, "The Man Who Became Unstuck and Then Split Into Two" features a vengeful Geiger plotting against Quinn for the humiliating pool incident in "I Am In a Storm." We begin with flashbacks of the episode as Geiger sings new lines set to the Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane." As the music dies down, he sets machinery in motion, concocts a dastardly potion, and prepares himself for quite a commotion.
The vortex opens and all come out alive - but instead of the usual four, there are now five!
"Egad!" the Quinns cried. "I've been split in half."
The Sliders would have fought Geiger to put Quinn back together, but the two were happier on their own. Id Quinn was just so damn pleased to get out of there that he took off before the slide. And so the episode ends with Ego Quinn singing the closing lines to "H.M.S Pinafore."
"For he himself hath said it
I realized I let a glorious opportunity slide by in Season 5 by not taking this episode on, so I had to write it in here. If you're into musicals, you need to check out NoMaggs' SLIDERS: THE MUSICAL at http://slidersweb.net/blinker/random/tmusical.htm.
607 | the story of davey and thse other people and it's really good
O'Connell was so impressed with "The Man Who Became Unstuck and Then Split Into Two" that he immediately commissioned Peck to write another script. But Peck was too burned out to come up with anything, so he delegated the task-- to his six year-old son.
"I think Davey Jr. really capitalized on the 'infinite possibilities' theme with this episode," proclaimed Peck. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Essentially, the Sliders land in a nightmare: a place ruled by a maniacal child tyrant called "Super Davey." He forces them to do everything he wants or else he'll throw an embarrassing temper tantrum that will make all who see it believe the Sliders are lousy parents. After Colin is beaten up, down and sideways in a game of "Chutes and Ladders", the other three decide "Super Davey" needs to be taught a lesson.
In the gut-wrenching finale (I know I wanted to vomit), Quinn challenges Davey to a one game Hungry Hungry Hippo showdown. If Quinn wins, he and his friends can go free. If Davey wins, he gets to stay up an hour past bedtime. But Quinn double crosses the kid and has Maggie and Rembrandt take control of the other hippos, thus assuring victory. The four slide out and "Super Davey" launches into a twenty-six minute crying fit that TV Guide deemed "the most aggravating half hour of prime time programming since 'Homeboys in Outer Space' was canceled."
The moral of the story- don't ever let your kids beat you at games. Long, self-esteem crippling losing streaks build character!
The above was just ridiculous. If you want a compelling story of a world under a child's thumb, please visit ThomasMalthus' "A Child's Game" at http://slidersweb.net/otherworlds/2013/game.htm.
The story is episode 3 of TM's Earth 2013 series, an alternative sixth season that should not be missed.
608 | To Sauté a Slider
Guest starring Emeril Lagassé as Professor Maximillian Arturo as Reginald Doyle
Rembrandt's double is dead, and the Sliders find themselves the prime suspects on a world where they take their food seriously - DEAD seriously. "The Fryin' Man", a renowned cook, has been found in his Kitchen Stadium with a spatula stabbed through his heart. ("The spatulas on this world are very sharp," explained Peckinpah. "Besides, it's such a fun word to say. Spatula! Spatula!")
Rembrandt is grilled by a cadre of detectives led by none other than Professor Arturo, who believes he is Reginald Doyle. Yes, Jerry actually thought that would help continuity. Doyle declares that the Sliders will immediately be brought to trial before a panel of judges- food critic Keith Damron, aspiring actress Kari Wuhrer, Santa Claus, and infomercial queen Madame Cloe. Bam! The lights go dim and Doyle announces the District Attorneys, also known as the Iron Prosecutors.
In a grand entrance, the prosecutors, fully clad in chef regalia, descend from the ceiling. Each holds a more menacing piece of cutlery than the one before him, including an electric spork (much to Colin's delight.) Quinn and Rembrandt plead with Doyle to actually investigate the crime before holding a trial, but he is too caught up in the pageantry. Besides, the ingredient of death is Beef Wellington! Bam!
Rembrandt: Are we supposed to beat them in a cook-off?
Bam! The Iron Prosecutors attack, slaughtering the four of them before they can even throw a salad. The judges rule in favor of the Iron Prosecutors, although they have to take off points for presentation.
At this point, the REAL Sliders arrive. As Quinn examines the bodies of their doubles, he callously remarks that it's one less group to worry about finding its way home. Colin pockets the electric spork he finds in his double's back while Maggie and Quinn neck. As the camera pulls back from the carnage, we fade to black.
When it comes to combining food, death and Sliders, no one is as successful as SL4ever. Please read "Slide Killer" at http://slidersweb.net/blinker/fics/skiller.htm.
TemporalFlux is best known for his essays and kick-ass website, but his fan fiction is equally innovative. "Perceptions" is actually from 1997, so this guy has always been ahead of his time. Read it at http://www.dimensionofcontinuity.com/percep.htm.
As for the "Fryin' Man", check out the... efforts... of TemporalFlux1: http://slidersweb.net/blinker/random/. The original Tempersonator does some interesting things with octopi, mosquitos, and 300-pound strippers.
609 | The West Wing
Arch-villain Wing finally returns after being introduced eight episodes ago. FOX was hoping his reappearance would confuse viewers into watching their show instead of NBC's "The West Wing", which was brutally punishing "Sliders" in its time slot. It was interference like this that was making O'Connell increasingly frustrated with the direction the show was heading in. In a later chat transcript, O'Connell articulated the problems:
"For one thing, there wasn't enough of me on the show. I was averaging a mere 32 minutes of screen time per episode, down significantly from the previous season. I hadn't even taken off my shirt once! Secondly, I felt that 'Sliders' wasn't doing enough alt-history, so I wanted to do an episode that got us back to our roots."
Of course, in Jerry's mind, there's only one kind of alt-history: westerns. But what would make this episode different from "The Good, the Bad, and the Wealthy" and "Way Out West"? Answer: Ninjas.
We begin the episode with Wing and Mary conspiring. Wing announces that it is finally time he makes his presence known to Quinn and he has just the thing planned. They laugh maniacally. (Actually a lot of people laughed when they found out what he had planned, but not maniacally.) Meanwhile, the Sliders get off to a bad start in "Ye Olde Tokyo" when Maggie inadvertently offends the locals.
"How was I supposed to know it was a crime to expose oneself in public?" Maggie huffs. "They acted like they've never seen a woman riding a horse bareback before." And the double entendres didn't stop there! Oh, if only they had.
The four find themselves doggedly pursued by a ninja, presumably because he wants to date Maggie after such a gratuitous display. Quinn and Colin show off their swordsmanship and fight him off. As the ninja retreats, they notice something familiar about his running. He kind of resembles a wounded duck, but Quinn brushes it off-as he does everything in life.
In the gripping finale, Quinn does battle with the ninja for Maggie's honor. (More laughter ensues.) Quinn, shirtless and in action hero mode, absolutely thrashes the ninja. With his sword aimed at his adversary's jugular, Quinn removes the mask to reveal- a double of Colin! This leads to a dilemma. Can Quinn kill his own brother? Eh, why not....
Before they slide, Wing curses at Quinn threatening to take away everything he holds dear. Quinn laughs at him; Quinn holds nothing dear.
Most Quoted Line:
Sliders and Ninjas. It's such a perfect fit, you have to wonder why no one thought of it in five full seasons. Fortunately, FogBoy (Doug Skiles) remedied that in "Slider Gaiden" from his outstanding Season Six at http://members.tripod.com/~Skiles/SlidersEp5.txt.
O'Connell and Peckinpah would like to thank Doug for writing the story in script format; it saved them the cost of creating the teleplay. (I have to plug my fellow scriptwriters!)
610 | Renegotiations
"Dear Peter Roth,
I, Jerry O'Connell, have fulfilled the initial order of nine "Sliders" episodes, ten if you consider the season premiere as two episodes, which I, Jerry O'Connell, do. I, Jerry O'Connell, think you'd agree that the show is a smash hit and is absolutely necessary to FOX's continued success in 2001. One could go so far as to say that "Sliders", or more precisely I, Jerry O'Connell, am completely responsible for FOX's resurgence on Wednesday night. To reiterate: you cannot survive without me, Jerry O'Connell. Therefore, if you want to see the remaining nine episodes, alive and unedited, you'd best consider the following demands:
Foolishly, FOX did not yield. Even more foolishly, they promoted David Peckinpah to Executive Producer of "Sliders." His first action was to adapt Jerry's letter to Roth into a 45-page script... a conversion which involved
Jerry holding "Sliders" hostage is nothing new. But Quinn holding sliders hostage? Hmmm... Slider_Quinn21's "Negotiations" can be found as part of Earth 214— http://www.slidersweb.net/otherworlds/214.
611 | Topless
Yeah, you know where we're heading with this one...
With the reins firmly in hand, Peckinpah returned to a tried and true formula—a scantily clad Maggie. It's explained at the start of the episode that Quinn has been lost while onboard the Astral Plane. His flight was delayed three hours in Newark and he switched to the wrong flight during his layover in Cincinnati. He phones and says he'll miss the entire episode.
Maggie decides to take a cruise on a nudist ship to pass the time. Meanwhile Rembrandt and Colin attempt to hunt down the Cryin' Man's double after seeing the Spinning Topps on VH1's "Where are They Now?"
Remmy and Colin find the Cryin' Man- he's at home. They say hello. Rembrandt's double offers them some coffee, but Colin refuses because he doesn't drink coffee. Rembrandt thinks about it, but then declines. They were going to watch some television, but the ball game wasn't on because of a rain delay. So they played Scattergories. They all laughed when Colin tried to use the word "buggy whip" as an example of modern technology, but not because "buggy whip" wasn't modern. It just sounds funny. Then Rembrandt's double tried to kill them. But he missed. So they went back to the hotel. Colin took a shower.
And Maggie? A malfunctioning engine forces the ship to dock on a mysterious island filled with hot men and women attempting to break up four happy couples. Maggie ends all four relationships inside of twelve minutes, saying Quinn would have been proud.
FOX loved the episode, but O'Connell badmouthed it to the press. "See what I mean about direction? Where is the focus on the one thing that made 'Sliders' a cult hit in the first place?" O'Connell was of course referring to himself.
"Toppless" is one of over a hundred capsulized episodes put forth at SpaceTime's Earth 210: http://earthprime.com/fiction/default.asp?ID=1. Every time I think I have a great new idea, I first have to check here to see if Space and friends haven't already thought of it.
The other half of this blender episode comes from one of our most prolific Sliders fanfic writers- Dorky! His unique style should not be missed. See "The Spinning Topps" and seven full seasons of other eps at
612 | In Heat for a Moment
Peckinpah had already played his trump card, i.e. a naked Kari, and was hurting severely for ideas. With no one else to turn to, he called O'Connell.
"Jerry, I need your help. You've got to come up with an idea for our next episode!"
Peckinpah was able to salvage bits and pieces of the script, but the ending had long gone up in flames. He was further hampered by the absence of O'Connell, as the Quinn character played a huge role in the episode. Considering the situation and Peck's limited abilities, the following was the best he could do:
Maggie, Rembrandt, and Colin arrive on a world that is a) spiraling into the sun b) knocked toward the sun due to the destruction of Jupiter or c) enduring a long Indian summer. It all depends on where you are in the script. Maggie says that Quinn had an errand to run, but promised he'd slide in later in the episode. In the meantime, Colin teams up with fellow inventor Conrad Bennish to find a way to save the Earth. Unfortunately all they can come up with is a better way to make homemade popsicles.
In the end Quinn and Maggie get married, we find out the Professor is still alive, and Elston Diggs is really a priest. Wait a minute...that sounds exactly like the finale of Season Five! Yep, Peck reached a new low. He paid homage to himself- or more accurately, just cut and pasted the episodes together.
Peck did manage to get a few things right from the original script, such as killing off Rembrandt, but he forgot the part about the real Sliders arriving at the end. The final product was such a fiasco that FOX finally caved and gave in to four of Jerry's five demands. O'Connell was content. He was now a millionaire, had a lucrative movie deal, full royalty rights to the show and was President of all of FOX Television. As for Charlie, at least he could say he tried.
Um....you might as well just go back to Season 5: http://slidersweb.net/otherworlds/10153/5.htm
613 | Be Vewy Quiet, I'm Hunting Swiders
This episode actually started with a pretty good idea. A big game hunter has grown bored with chasing animals and even humans; the ultimate challenge is to hunt sliders from dimension to dimension. Sure it was an homage to "The Most Dangerous Game", but it made sense in context. Until, of course, they cast the hunter: Elmer Fudd.
Tired of being pursued by Elmer, Quinn comes up with a sure way to escape him. They'll hop a flight on the space shuttle Endeavor to Mars! Remarkably, the technology on this Earth allows them to get to Mars in just a few minutes. To their astonishment, they find Mars to be inhabited by a little man in a Roman centurion helmet with a terrible plan: "I'm going to blow up the Earth," he tells Quinn. To their greater astonishment, Elmer has followed them! To their even greater astonishment, Mars is not made of Swiss cheese!!!! Oh wait, that's the moon...but I digress.
In order to give Quinn, Maggie and Rembrandt some breathing room to stop Marvin the Martian, Colin lures Elmer away from the main group. Curiously, the surface of Mars looks a lot like the Southwest United States. Colin is able to trick Elmer into running off a cliff by painting what looks like an oasis in mid-air. All Elmer could do was pull a sign out of his jacket reading "Help!" before plummeting 2000 feet to the ground below.
Time is running out, and the group won't be able to stop Marvin and make it back to the Universal backlot in time for the slide. So the four decide to ride Marvin's missile back to Earth and hope Quinn can disarm it mid-flight. On the one hand, you have to give O'Connell some continuity credit for not allowing them to slide from Mars. But his utter disregard for the vacuum of space and atmospheric re-entry is appalling.
O'Connell was unrepentant. "If Tony Blake and Paul Jackson could write a script where a globular cluster of neutron stars enters the solar system and irradiates the earth, I can certainly get away with a human surviving in interstellar space. I mean, we were wearing spacesuits!"
Some people thought this episode was created solely to promote the DVD release of "Mission to Mars," a film in which O'Connell had a bit role. But most agreed that O'Connell thought it would be funny to have Charlie running around in a low gravity environment.
Most quoted line:
Up for a game of cat and mouse through the dimensions? Please see MissingSliderRyan's "The Novice." It's not your usual Sliders fan fiction fare. http://www.geocities.com/missingsliderryan/Novice.html
614 | It's A Small Backlot After All
It was once again time for the annual field trip to Disneyland. Charlie was reluctant, still remembering the hellacious beating he received the last time he was there, but Jerry convinced everyone that this time he'd taken care of all the arrangements. He didn't tell them that the arrangements entailed all of them to dress up as costumed characters to evade security.
The teaser involves Mickey (Jerry), Minnie (Kari), Donald (Cleavant), and Goofy (Charlie) gesticulating wildly at each other on what appears to be footage shot from a camcorder. Yup, three minutes of Mickey trying to calm down an enraged Donald which climaxes in Donald flipping Mickey the wing.
And now the plot- such as it is. Maggie is arrested for shoplifting and is taken away to "NeverNeverland." Unfortunately, no one knows where NeverNeverland is. So the three split up and encounter strange adventures through a "Fantasyland" as they try to find Maggie before it's time to slide. As "Sliders" scripts go, that ain't half bad. Except it wasn't the script at all! Kari Wuhrer was really arrested an hour after arriving when she tried to stuff an Enchanted Tiki Bird down her...well...I'm not going to get into it.
Rembrandt sets out by boat in search of NeverNeverland but encounters a global community of children incessantly singing the same damn song over and over and over again. Rembrandt goes mad and is incapacitated when he tries to kill himself by jumping into a papier maché volcano. Colin is also easily eliminated when he gets car sick driving through a house with a maniacal animorphic toad. That leaves good old Quinn to save the day as usual, but he is jumped by seven dwarves and left for dead in an abandoned mine shaft.
When the three awake, they are tied together and suspended over a crocodile. Rembrandt comments that he hasn't seen teeth like that since he and the Topps played the ADA convention in Topeka. Quinn tried to slap him upside the head, but he couldn't reach. Captain Hook is caressing an unconscious Maggie (actually a mannequin due to Kari's "unavailability") when a man on a white horse appears. As the man trots into the light, he is revealed to be none other than a double of Quinn. Were you expecting someone else?
"Arrgghh! It be Prince Charming! Run away!" Hook cries as he and his men scatter. CharmingQuinn releases the three and heads to Maggie. "I will now awaken her with a kiss," CharmingQuinn declares, but there is no response from the mannequin. "Hmm. I see she's under a powerful spell. It's going to take more than just a kiss to wake up this young missy if you catch my drift," says CharmingQuinn with a wink. The final scene made even Andrew McCarthy fans cringe.
There was an ad-libbed line made by a horrified child that made its way into the final cut:
I intentionally altered this episode just so I could plug a great new story by Jason Gaston (Donner) called "In the Belly of the Mouse." This is part of the new wave of half serious/half parody stories that are currently in vogue. It's also one of the best. http://www.slightlywarped.com/fanfic/in_the_belly_of_the_mouse.htm
The original storyline was much closer to Slidemania's "Once Upon a Slide," part of his virtual sixth season. http://slidersweb.net/otherworlds/30858/f15.htm
615 | Riddle Me This, Fat Man
Guest Starring Dennis Franz as Arturo
After three long years, "Sliders" finally revisits Logan St. Clair, a one-time character who went on to completely dominate the on-line community. Peck was so overwhelmed with ideas to steal...I mean rip-off...errr, "pay homage" to...that he just sort of scrambled them all together. End result? One Logan for each slider (and another budget is totally overrun.)
The episode begins with the Sliders already in Logans' clutches. Each Logan had her own reasons for hunting the Sliders down. Logan1, AKA "the Bionic Woman" due to the timer implanted in her forearm, sought revenge. Logan2 needed Quinn to fix her timer so she could go home and commit more atrocities. Logan3 was just looking for work after "Dungeons and Dragons" completely bombed in theatres. Logan4 had "other" interests. The Sliders' only chance is Colin. If he can just reach his utility belt....
Meanwhile Maximillian Arturo, millionaire playboy professor by day and superhero when it's convenient, is attending a gala fundraiser for the Mayor of San Angeles. He has a woman on each arm and a martini in each hand when Colin's vortex shaped beacon appears in the sky. Arturo turns to a man looking suspiciously like Rembrandt save for a Rastafarian hat. "Quickly," Arturo says. "To the Arturomobile!"
Back at their abandoned warehouse, the Logans are arguing over how to dispose of the four:
Logan3: I say, we kill them! (Yay!)
Can Quinn cajole these cunning caricatures into cutting him free? Fortunately, we don't have to answer that question as two masked figures appear- The Flash (Arturo) and his sidekick Rem-mon! "You heard de tunder," Rem-mon declares. "Now get ready for de Flash!"
And Arturo did just that. The Logans were so stunned that the Sliders were able to take them by surprise. Cue the "Batman" music: nanna-nanna-nanna-nanna-nanna—
CRACK! (Logan2 has been felled by Quinn.)
OOF! (Logan3 has been dropped by Rembrandt.)
NOT THE FACE! (Logan1 has sent Colin sprawling.)
OH-OH-OOOOOH! (Maggie has uh...well...'taken care of' Logan4.)
Once again, the Flash has saved the day, and the Sliders have a new friend in Logan4. "This is the best slide ever!" cries Quinn as Maggie and Logan jump arm in arm into the vortex.
I couldn't do a Brand_S parody without a lesbian sequence, now could I? So please, re-read S's Season Six at http://earthprime.com/fiction/default.asp?ID=5. I ripped off as much as I could, but I still cannot do it justice.
And now for the Logans. There's only one truly identifiable Logan in this group, and that's the Logan of the Infinite Slides project. For a great story of Logans, Quinns, and more doubles than you can shake Colin's utility belt at, go to the story aptly titled "Logan" by Jayelle Carey. It is the Season 4 finale of Infinite Slides. http://www.psi-fi.com/IS/eps/Logan.htm
Other notable Logans:
616 | All That You Can Leave Behind
The vortex opens precariously close to the edge of a balcony. Colin exits first and the railing catches him right in the groin. Before he can even squeak in pain, Rembrandt crashes into him, driving him harder into the rail. The hilarity ensues when the scene is repeated by both Quinn and Maggie. As Colin doubles over in pain, Logan exits the vortex and sails clear over both Colin and the railing. Quinn has time to see Logan fall six stories into an oncoming Mack truck. As the truck swerves to avoid her (it doesn't), it flips onto its side and slams in to a corner gas station causing a fireball that encompasses the entire block.
As the bodies burn, the four relax on the balcony recalling all the people who have slid with them through the years—and the horrible, horrible fates they encountered.
Henry the dog from "Luck of the Draw?" "Yeah, whatever happened to Henry?" asked Quinn. Rembrandt replies, "Tasted like chicken."
The couple from "Love Gods?" "It seemed like a peaceful enough world, until we heard of the flesh eating bacteria epidemic," said Rembrandt. Quinn added, "Too bad we only learned of it seconds before the slide. I hope they died well."
Michele from "El Sid?" "Damndest thing," said Quinn. "We slid right into the middle of a javelin contest. She never had a chance..."
Christina from "Mother and Child?" "What were the odds we'd slide into another Kromagg breeding camp?" laughs Maggie. "Oh well, she had to make a stand somewhere...just like that Wade girl we left behind."
At the mention of Wade's name, Maggie and Quinn have a good laugh. Rembrandt glares at Quinn and calls him a cold son of a bitch. There's an awkward pause until Colin exclaims, "Burn!" They all agree that it was indeed a pretty good burn, and we leave the four laughing as the fire trucks arrive.
Sliders and balconies are always a bad combination. If you'd like to see Diana go over the edge, read Slider_Sarah's "All the Fun of the Fayre" at http://slidersweb.net/otherworlds/e71999/602.htm.
It's part of Earth 71999, a collaborative effort produced by QBall79 and Chaser9.
This episode gets its title from "All That You Can't Leave Behind," a story from Earth 317. Ever wanted to know what really happened in those three days between "Luck of the Draw" and "Into the Mystic?" Here's one interpretation. http://slidersweb.net/otherworlds/317/321.htm
617 | Pity the Fools
Guest starring Mr. T
On a world consumed by CRACK, Quinn faces his toughest challenge yet: convincing his sliding companions to leave.
Maggie can't get enough. "This is the first place I've felt welcome since my world died. Now light up that rock!" Even Colin and Rembrandt seem content. Rembrandt renames himself "the Supa-Flyin' Man" and with the help of Maggie, becomes one phat pimp daddy. Colin sets up his own laboratory and is soon rolling in the dough. "Didn't you know? The Amish invented crack!" There's only one man strong enough to help Quinn save his friends. He heads for the nearest local youth center in the hopes of finding him.
When Quinn arrives, he discovers the youth center has been converted into a crack den. On the front steps, wrapped in tarnished gold chains, a dejected Mr. T sits. For the first time in his life, Mr. T had failed to save the day. Quinn pities him, but Mr. T tells Quinn to save his pity for the man responsible for this nightmare—Wing! Mr. T reaches deep down and finds the will to fight-- it's time to get hella-tough! Cue the "A-Team" music!
The audience is then exposed to a long sequence of Mr. T and Quinn driving around in T's converted GMC van: back angle, side angle, revving the engine, leaving tire skids, stopping at the drive-thru at Arby's, etc. Finally they arrive at Wing's secret abandoned warehouse. But Wing and Mary have a surprise for the two- all of the extra recurring characters from the first two seasons!
Although they fought hella-good, the surprise weapon of continuity proves to be too much for Mr. T and Quinn. Wing was victorious at last! But he could not leave well enough alone. Like all villains, he had to gloat. He then made his fatal mistake.
He insulted Mr. T's momma.
Wing was meat. Dead meat.
"Nobody talks about my momma like that! I love my momma! I love her so much I bought her a house! No son loves his momma more than Mr. T! You've left me no choice but to beat you like a fool, Wing! Like a fool!" With that Mr. T wound up for the ass-whuppin' heard 'round the world. They're still trying to pry the head of Pavel the cab driver out of Gomez Calhoun's behind. As for Wing? Mr. T threw him helluva-far! He was last seen somewhere over southern Madagascar. And Mary? Mr. T could never hit a woman. And shockingly, Quinn didn't oblige. What has gotten into Quinn?
Many viewers were also shocked by the sudden 180° turn in Quinn's character. He was once again caring, moralistic, and vulnerable. O'Connell explains: "All the movie roles I was being offered had me playing these self-absorbed, callous egomaniacs. I was worried Quinn was causing me to be typecast." Yeah... Quinn...
Man, that story was loonier than that crazy-ass cracker Murdoch. If you want some T-riffic action, then you best visit Donner's "Mr. T vs. the Sliders" at http://www.slightlywarped.com/mrt/mrtvssliders/mrt.html. Come on fool! Click that sucka!
618 | Denouncements
Guest starring Luciano Pavarotti as Arturo
It took a heck of a lot of convincing, but Quinn finally got the others to leave Crack World. Mary confessed that there never were any Kromaggs, so the four return home to resume their careers and lives. Little did they know, someone else had beat them to it.
Quinn returns home to a hero's welcome. Everywhere Quinn goes, he's mobbed by throngs of well-wishers, autograph seekers, and women throwing their underwear at him. Rembrandt stops at a newsstand and finds Quinn has been named Time's Man of the Year for inventing Sliding, curing cancer, and saving the Warner Bros. network. The others try to convince Quinn that they can't be home, but it's to no avail. Quinn is on an ego trip that even Jerry O'Connell would have trouble topping. So they seek out the one man who might be able to help, Professor Arturo.
Arturo is overjoyed to see Rembrandt and immediately makes plans to resume touring. "I'va beena working on a newa songa—'Crya like-a Quantum Singularity.'" That settles it. They really are home! Then how did Quinn become such a superstar in their absence? Arturo explains that Quinn returned alone a few months earlier, claiming the rest of them decided to stay on a world that worshipped no talent singers, lousy inventors and crack-hos. Arturo rejoins the team to help identify the imposter.
When they return to Quinn and Maggie's place, they find Quinn tied up in the basement. He claims that his evil double was going to take all the credit for himself. This confuses the group. Didn't the evil double do all of the work in the first place? "Don't you get it? Your Quinn is the evil egomaniac. I'm the good guy, Id Quinn!"
It all makes sense now! Free of the influence of Ego Quinn, Id Quinn explains that he was able to solve the sliding equation and then use his considerable intellect for bigger and better problems. If they hurry, they can still stop Ego Quinn from accepting Id's Nobel Prize.
"Not so fast." It's Ego Quinn. "This dimension ain't big enough for the both of us, Id." With that, Ego Quinn opened a vortex. "Time to go, brain boy!"
The two fight in front of the vortex, each trying to shove the other through. The others are paralyzed, not knowing which is which even though one of them is shouting, "Die Id Quinn! Bwahahahaha!"
"What are we going to do?" asked Maggie. Colin said, "Keep 'em both. We'll sort it out next season."
"Like hell we will!" shouted Rembrandt, horrified at the very suggestion of a seventh season. He then tossed both Quinns into the vortex. As it closes, the audience is left with the realization that the Quinns have landed in an unknown dimension with no means of returning. Arturo, still in shock, utters what have become known as the three most infamous words in Sliders' lore: "Oh-ah my God-ah!"
"That's it Doc. Nuts to soup."
David Peckinpah was on a psychiatrist's couch. He was babbling incoherently to a man off screen. "We called it 'Sliders.' So simple, and yet so wholly inadequate to describe the amount of pain and suffering we inflicted upon our loyal viewing audience. I don't think I'll ever find such a quality show to screw up again. You believe I was once an Executive Producer, don't you?"
"Look man, I'm just the janitor," said Charlie O'Connell. And we fade to black...
If you're going to rip off fan fiction, you have to go after the grand daddy of them all- "Post Traumatic Slide Syndrome." I can't begin to count the amount of Arturos featured in today's fanfics that feature the "lost Arturo." No specific fan fic was used for this ep, but if you feel compelled to link somewhere, check out "Positronic Slide Syndrome" at http://slidersweb.net/blinker/69/69b17.htm. It may be even loonier than this interpretation.