SHINY:
a Kari Wuhrer albumMSTed by HurriKain Lyrics courtesy
kariwuhrer.net
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A few days ago, I decided to do the most blatantly suicidal and downright stupid thing ever... listen to Kari's album and post my thoughts on it. Did I go to my local music store and buy the CD? No. Did I order it on the web? No. Did I get it free with my fast food order at my local McDonald's? No... but it would be nice. I got the album using the only easy, and yet controversial, method available: N-A-P-S-T-E-R (Sorry Info). Call me lazy, wrong, and unethical if you have to, but I will not waste a good $20 to support Kari's drug habits. Keep in mind that I don't have all the mp3s but my collection will be complete before the review is over, and once I finish, I will delete this dreck from my hard drive. :-)In each chapter I will review a "song" and graciously display my thoughts on it. The lyrics will be dissected and comically ridiculed, since this girl has the songwriting talent of a drugged orangatan. Though you may know what to expect, my review of the album won't be based on my early feelings about Ms. Wuhrer... well sort of, but not totally. And if Ms. Wuhrer is reading this now, let me say this: If you would promote the album like you should instead of embarrassing yourself on late night talk and radio shows, I wouldn't be doing this. :-)
Before I start reviewing this dreck of an album, I would like to introduce my latest invention... the CRACK-o-meter! This little device scans the lyrics and displays how much CRACK Kari smokes to write them. The CRACK ratings employ a 1-10 scale.
And now, on with the review... load the first song onto the guillotine platform!Sweet Jesus. Mary, mother of God! What a horrible song. Each time I listen to the opening acoustic guitar, I get a smile on my face and start laughing because of the nonsensical lyrics and vocals that will come in a few short seconds.They say have faith, believe
One day it'll all come
But I'm sorry 'cause
I live for the day
And the time is now
Won't you tell me how
To stop
All the bleeding I see
'Cause my rag is dripping wet
But there's no sign of a scab
Isn't it sad
The first sign of relief
Is the sight of a scab [ The dial of the CoM starts spinning rapidly and with a loud "twang!!" it stops, leaving the machine idle with smoke fuming out from the top. ]Dammit! I put this thing through one Kari song... ONE KARI SONG, and now it's useless!! Thanks a lot, crack whore! But don't worry everyone, I have a spare. Well, my thoughts about this song are that I don't have any. Why? BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE! No wonder the machine broke! Now don't ask me why, but I'm guessing that she's talking about her period. But why would she feel much better if she saw a scab down there?!?! Does she have herpes, syphilis, warts... DOES SHE DOUCHE?!?!?! There will come a day
When I want my children to play in the fields
And not be afraid to run
Run... into the sun <Twang!!>JESUS H. CHRIST!!! That's it, this bitch has broken two of my machines and I'm not pulling any punches. HOW MUCH CRACK HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKIN', GIRL?!?!?! Apparently, you're having disturbing dreams of burning children. The reason why kids are afraid to run into the sun (as if it were humanly possible) is that IT'S :-#ING HOT!! OK... ok... let me calm down now... < dons "Scream"/"Scary Movie" mask > Hey, if you wanna die, all you've gotta do is ask...Sometimes
When I look towards the sky
There's a monster I see
And I hope that monster ain't me
I remember the words
That somebody said
'Ask me not what your country can do for you,
But what you can do for your country' ..... ..... <walks over to a Kari Wuhrer punching bag and starts bitch-slapping it, then walks back to his computer> Having visions of monsters, I see? That must be some VERY powerful shit. But seriously, CRACK can't cause THESE sorts of hallucinations... probably XTC taken down with vodka.Incidentally, as you can see by the useless quote, she was probably watching the History Channel while taking her mental trips to "Happy Land". But what has it done for me... lately <mimicking Janet Jackson> WHAT HAS IT DONE FOR ME LATELY?
OOOOOOOH-YEAH!!!... ok, back now. Well, Ms. Wuhrer, if you weren't spending your time DOING the country, you might notice a reward pop up every now and then... Doctor! We're losing her!There's gotta be someone to blame
For this game! Okay, I blame YOU for making such a :-#ed up song! I blame you for the headaches from listening to it. I blame you for not coming to the studio SOBER!Point the finger at me
Point the finger at you. Guess which finger I'm pointing?Cause there used to be times
When the sky was blue
Now there's someone getting paid
LOTS OF GREEN
To look at life
And say life is so serene...
Do you know what I mean?
I hope you know what I mean. Uh... no. You just about lost me. Lemme find my magic bong and I'll get back to you. :-)As you can see, this song is utterly CRACK-tastic! It has broken not one, but TWO CoMs in a single bound. But this is not the end of our ride inside the mind of Kari... we still have nine songs to go! Prepare to take LOTS of Tylenol.
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