![[ The Post-SOL Adventures, by Quinntar ]](vul1.gif)
I'd like to give a few shoutouts before I give you the latest Post-SOL story. First, everything in between Ash's "I thought about staying..." and his immortal "Hail to the king, baby" is taken from Army of Darkness, written by Sam Raimi and Ivan Raimi. Next, I'd like to acknowledge Recall317, whose Dogma post in "Bakula to the Future" inspired a scene in this script. If you know your Kevin Smith movies, you'll know it when you see it. Ash: (voiceover with clips of the Evil Dead trilogy playing) My name is Ash. I used to be just a normal guy with a crappy job. But I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda. She was the sole reason why I was still in this town. Well, that and I spent my life savings on an N64 so I could play Paper Mario. Don't regret it though. That's one groovy game. Anyway, us and a bunch of friends found an abandoned cabin near old Camp Crystal Lake. They convinced us to go up there for a vacation. That's where we found it. The Necronomicon, the Book of the Dead. Damn book woke something evil in the woods. It picked us off one by one. It even took Linda. It wanted to take me as well, got into my hand and it went bad. So I cut it off at the wrist. Me and some other chick that wandered into the cabin found a passage in one of the book's pages to send these sons of bitches back where they came from. But something went wrong. She never finished the passage, sending me back into the Middle Ages. There I was forced to face these "Deadites" one last time, and in return, King Arthur sent me back to my rightful time. It looked like it was finally over...I was dead wrong. Little did I know that those pages foretold a battle between Evil that would have to take place before the curse of the Deadites will end... Freddy: (voice over with clips of the Nightmare on Elm Street series playing) My children. From the very beginning, it was the children that gave me my power. One by one, they would fall by my blades. But the parents of Springwood came for me, taking justice into their own hands. They thought they'd seen the last of Fred Krueger, they were dead wrong. The children still feared me, giving me the power to invade their dreams. Freddy was back in the game! Until they figured out a way to forget about me! Being dead wasn't bad, but being forgotten? Now that's a bitch! I had to search the bowels of hell...but I found someone...someone who'd make them remember...Jason Voorhees. (switch to scenes of the Friday the 13th series) A Mongoloid with a machete and a Hockey Mask. Killed hundreds of innocents alone. But most importantly, he could rise from the dead. So I sent him to Springwood. (switch to scenes of Freddy vs. Jason) He may get the blood, but I got the glory! The children feared me again! But he just wouldn't stop. I had to take matters into my own hands. Now we're fighting an endless battle in the dreamworld. But mark my words, Freddy Krueger will rise again... (mad laughter) (we cut to Texas. A lone bulky figure holding a chainsaw walks up to a car. He pops open the trunk, climbs in, and closes it behind him. Just then Mike, Joel, Logan, Crow, and Tom walk up the sidewalk. None of the gang see this man in their trunk as they walk up to the car and get in) Crow: ROAD TRIP! AGAIN! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (they drive off. Cue "Bodies" by Drowning Pool) A Mr. Peaches production A Quinntar Fan Fiction Monster Mash: A Post-SOL Adventure Staring: Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson Bill Corbett as Crow T. Robot Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo Zoe McLellan as Logan St. Clair Mary Jo Pehl as The Oracle The Silent Stalkers Andrew Bryniarski as Thomas "Leatherface" Hewitt Brad Loree as Michael Myers Ken Kirzinger as Jason Voorhees The Trash Talkers Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger Brad Dourif as Charles Lee "Chucky" Ray Special Guest Appearance by Bruce Campbell as Ashley "Ash" Williams And Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson Written and Directed by Quinntar (the gang parks in front of a store and they all get out) Logan: You guys don't have to blame me. It's not my fault that FBI guy only had 20 bucks. Joel: At least we made it to New Jersey. But we can't go anywhere else unless we get some money. Mike: Hey! How coincidental! There's a Help Wanted sign over there! Tom: Yes. I wonder if they have four job openings. Joel: You mean five. Tom: No, actually I didn't. Crow: Yeah, he meant three. (Joel sighs) Mike: Hmmmmm...S-Mart? Worth a try. (we cut to inside where Mike, Joel, and Logan are being interviewed) Manager: Names? Mike: Mike Nelson. Joel: Joel Robinson. Logan: Logan St. Clair. Manager: Age? Mike: 36. Joel: 40. Logan: 18. (everyone stares at Logan) Logan: What? Mike: 18? Logan: OK, fine. 19. (uncomfortable silence) Logan: Just get on with it. Manager: I'll put down N/A. Sex? Joel: Do you even have to ask that? Can't you tell? Manager: After finding out Cher was a woman, I don't trust my eyes anymore. Mike: Male. Joel: Male. Logan: No thanks, had some yesterday. (silence again) Logan: What? Manager: N/A again. Previous job experience? Mike: I worked in a cheese factory. Joel: Janitor. Logan: Evil villainess from another dimension. Manager: Should I put down N/A again? Mike: No, that's actually true. Manager: Well then, welcome aboard! (meanwhile at a psychiatric hospital, we see a Doctor and his completely stacked Nurse walking around the halls discussing their new patient) Nurse: Doctor? About our new patient. Is this the Michael Myers? Doctor: If you mean the Michael Myers who went on a rampage in 1978 and 1998 trying to kill his sister only to succeed last October and manage to kill a bunch of no-name teens in the process, yes. It is. Nurse: Actually, I was thinking of that guy who was in those Austin Powers movies. Doctor: Oh, no. This guy is slightly less insane. (suddenly an alarm starts ringing) Voice: (down the hall) The newbie's escaped! (the figure known as Michael Myers walks down the hallway towards the Doctor and the Nurse. His face is covered in shadow) Doctor: Stop, right there! I think it's med time. (Myers grabs the Doctor's head and snaps his neck. The Nurse begins screaming, but Myers pays no attention to her and walks past her. Myers makes his way out to the parking lot and gets into a car. He then drives off, heading in the direction of New Jersey. Back at S-Mart, Mike, Joel, and Logan are gearing up in their new S-Mart uniforms Batman Forever style) Mike: Ugh. These things are so cheesy. Logan: I kinda like them. Can't resist a man in uniform. Joel: By the way, Logan, how old are you anyway? You wouldn't tell that guy back there. Logan: Can't we just leave this at N/A? Mike: Like your gender? You are a woman, aren't you? Logan: Of course. I'm all woman, baby. Joel: Then how old are you? Logan: OK, OK. Don't laugh. I'm 26. Ugh. Practically an old maid. Joel: That's it? You're 26? That's what you're afraid to tell us. Logan: Well, yeah. Mike: I just don't get you. Logan: You're not supposed to, you're a man. You are a man, right? Mike: Yeah..............................well...........................yeah, I'm pretty sure. Logan: OK then. Let's drop it and get to work. (they all walk out into the store and find Tom and Crow waiting for them) Crow: Ha! This is like seeing you in the cheese factory again, Mike. Tom: Speaking of cheese, that thing's tackier than your old jumpsuit, Joel. Crow: And talk about tacky... Logan: You say one word to me, robot, and I'll twist your head around and pull it off. Crow: (frightened) Uh...............you look nice, Logan. Tom: (also frightened) Yeah, very sexy. Logan: Why thank you. How sweet. Tom: So, any word on where we're staying tonight? Joel: None yet. We'll be lucky to sleep in the car as long as it doesn't get towed away. (Logan stopped paying attention to her friends and was staring at a fellow employee. He was standing there telling some sort of story to another employee, who looked dead bored. From what Logan was picking up, this story sounded interesting. She walked over to hear the rest of the tale. Meanwhile, at a QuickStop convenience store elsewhere in New Jersey) Dante: I'm not even supposed to be here today! Randal: Oh, will you shut up. That's getting so old. Dante: I haven't had a day off since 1993! Randal: And that gives you the right to bitch about it to me every chance you get? (Jay and Silent Bob walk in) Jay: Snooch to the nooch, motherf***ers! Dante: What do you two want? Jay: Like me and Silent Bob here, we were out of town and this totally hot bitch offers to f*** us if we help her save the world from these two assholes with f***ed up wings. Holy sh*t, it was awesome. One of them looked like that guy from that bitchin' Phantoms flick. Randal: Phantoms sucked. Dante: Yeah, it did. Jay: Don't you be disrespectin' Phantoms. Phantoms will work you over like a motherf***er. Snoogins. (just then, Myers walks in through the doors. He walks over to a rack and picks up a white William Shatner mask. He then walks out of the store) Dante: Thank you. Come again. Randal: Didn't he just shoplift? Dante: Who cares? (back at S-Mart, both Logan and the bored employee are listening to the story by fellow employee, Ash. A handsome young man with a big chin and a metal right hand) Ash: I thought about staying. They offered me the chance to lead them, to teach them, to be king. Bored guy: Uh huh. Ash: But my place is here, so I swallowed the juice, said the words, and here I am. Bored guy: Did you say the words right this time? Ash: Well..............maybe I didn't say every tiny little syllable, no, but basically I said them, yeah. (looks off to the side, wondering about it) Basically. (Ash just shrugs it off and goes back to labeling products. Logan smiles to herself, checks her hair, and walks over to Ash, sticking her long sexy legs in his face) Logan: You know that story about how you could have been king? (Ash stands up to look her in the face) Logan: I think it's kinda cute. Ash: (blushingly looks to the ground) Yeah... (suddenly a forceful wind enters the store, shocking both Logan and Ash. EVIL DEAD VISION! We pan up to the customer behind them, who turns around revealing herself to be a Deadite. Logan screams as Ash pushes her out of the way. The Deadite then uppercuts Ash sending him flying into a bunch of boxes. The Deadite then sets her sights on Logan, who is on the ground. The Deadite lifts up a cash register and gets ready to crush Logan with it. Logan is completely trapped. BANG! A shotgun blast knocks the register out of the Deadite's hand. The Deadite looks to the lone figure standing on a counter with a shotgun. It is Ash) Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store. Deadite: Who the hell are you? Ash: Name's Ash. (cocks shotgun) Housewares. (the Deadite charges at him. Ash responds by tossing the gun up in the air and jumps onto a roller cart. He then catches the gun and then starts shooting round after magical round, without reloading once. The Deadite does a totally Spider-Man back flip to avoid these shots and lands on her feet. Ash stops firing and jumps off the cart to stare her down) Deadite: I'll swallow your soul! Ash: Come get some. (the Deadite jumps at him, but Ash quickly butts her in the face with the end of the shotgun. He begins firing at her again. She jumps at him again and he butts her again, sending her into a trampoline. She bounces off of it and does a flip in the air, but Ash points his shotgun up and fires more rounds at her. This does the trick as the Deadite falls to the gound. She is not moving. Ash tears off his uniform and spins the shotgun with his trigger finger. He then places it in a holder that was conveniently on his leg. Logan, in shock of what just happened, walks over to Ash. Ash takes her into his arms and dips her) Ash: Hail to the king, baby. (he then passionately kisses her) Manager: (from off-screen) Mr. Williams! (Ash suddenly drops Logan to the ground, flat on her back) Logan: Ouch! Ash: Sorry. Manager: Who do you think you are, coming in her shooting up customers like that? Ash: Sir, that wasn't a customer, that was a monster! Manager: Poor deformed woman didn't have a chance... Ash: Deformed? She was trying to kill.....................uh......uh... (looks at Logan with a "Little Help" look on his face) Logan: (getting off her ass, she points to her name tag) Logan. Ash: Right...Logan, here. Manager: I don't want to hear it. You're fired. (he walks away as Mike, Joel, Tom, and Crow walk over) Crow: Wow! That was awesome! Logan: Sorry about your job...Ash, wasn't it? Ash: Yeah. I was about to quit anyway. "Shop smart, shop S-Mart" my ass. Only a moron would come to this dump. I'm going home. Logan: (with a seductive look on her face) I'll walk you to your car. Mike: I'll come with. I want to pick up a Pepsi out of that vending machine outside. (Logan elbows Mike in the stomach) Mike: (wind knocked out of him) On second thought, I'll swipe one from here. (Mike stumbles away, nursing his kidneys, as Ash and Logan walk out of S-Mart) Tom: This makes how many men she's seduced since we met her? Joel: Excluding us? Let's see, there was Quinn, Phlox, T'Pol even though she's a woman. Tom: And this is over the span of less than a week. So in case none of our readers have caught on by now, "Logan is a slut." Mike: Yeah, but she packs a hard elbow. Logan: (from outside) Guys! (they all rush outside to where both Logan and Ash are standing) Joel: What's wrong? (Logan points forward. They all follow her finger and see an army of Deadites) Mike: Wow. Ash: This isn't right. They were sucked into that vortex with me. They should be in the past. Tom: Well they aren't, Chinmaster. What do you think we should do? Ash: (pulls shotgun from holder) I think we should dance. (cocks shotgun) (ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! A Deadite does a total Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon jump out of the crowd straight towards Ash. Ash points his shotgun straight at it and holds until it lands inches away from the barrel... BANG! The Deadite goes flying backwards, doing flips and stuff. The other Deadites take this as a cue to attack. Ash starts blowing them away with his shotgun while Mike and Joel do their kung fu thing, only now with Logan at their side doing all the same moves. Tom and Crow just stand off to the side. The Deadites don't pay any attention to them) Joel: Tom! Crow! Get the car! (ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Joel tosses the car keys to them and Crow catches them in his beak) Crow: Got 'em! (Joel turns around and decks a Deadite in the jaw) Tom: Do you remember where we parked? Crow: Have no clue. (they wander through the crowd of Deadites while Mike, Joel, Logan, and Ash are fighting for their survival) Tom: Hey, Crow! Over here. (Crow finds his way back to Tom and stares upon what was once their car) Crow: Looks like someone took a chainsaw to it. Tom: Why's the trunk open? Crow: Don't know. Well, we're screwed. Hey, Joel! I don't think the car will help you here! Joel: (still fighting) What are you talking about? Ash: (blowing another Deadite away) We'll take mine. (Ash makes his way toward where his car is with the help of Logan clearing a path for him) Logan: Where's your car? Ash: The Oldsmobile, over there. Logan: That piece of sh*t? It looks at least 300 years old. Ash: 600 actually. But it gets good mileage. (Logan gives him an "Are you insane" look and just shrugs it off. They both make a run for the Oldsmobile and get in. Ash puts in the keys and turns them. RRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrr...click click click) Ash: It'll start. Give it a minute. Logan: We don't have a minute. We're sitting ducks here. (suddenly a Deadite pops up at Logan's window. Ash immediately pulls his shotgun at its face) Ash: Suck on my boomstick. (BANG! The Deadite falls to the ground, after Logan is reluctantly sprayed with Deadite blood of course. Tom and Crow come running up to the Oldsmobile and climb in) Crow: Are we going or what? Ash: Just a second... (Ash turns the keys again and the engine roars to life) Logan: Now drive! Ash: What about the other two? Logan: They'll be along, just go! (Ash steps on the gas and they drive off, mowing down Deadites in the process. Meanwhile, Mike and Joel are still fending off other Deadites) Mike: They left us! Come back here! (Joel and Mike clear off a good space, float off the ground, and start flying after the Oldsmobile. They soar above the Deadites' heads until they reach the roof and they grab on) Joel: (through the window) Nice job, girl. You're learning. (he pats Logan's shoulder best he can) Ash: How'd you guys get up there? Mike: It's a long story. What were those things? Ash: It's a long story. Logan: How do we get rid of them? Ash: I can only think of one place that has the answer. (after a few hours, our heroes in the Oldsmobile find their destination, an old cabin in the woods. But there was just one little thing that made it somewhat abnormal, one bigass swirling vortex in front of it) Ash: (getting out of the car with the others) The vortex never closed. Tom: Now that's a hole. (Ash walks towards the cabin) Logan: Woah there, Brisco County Jr. Are you sure it's safe in there? Ash: Yeah. I think so. The vortex didn't suck the cabin up with me. I'd take that as a good sign that it's safe in there. Plus, it doesn't look as strong as it did before, so maybe it weakened? Tom: I'd be more comfortable if you knew what you were talking about, personally. (they all walk into the cabin via back door. The place was a mess and there was a strong wind toward the vortex, but they were able to stay on their feet OK) Mike: (sniffing) Wow. What died in here? Ash: (stares at Mike with a "you got to be kidding look") A lot of people. Good people. Except for Jake. He kinda creeped me out with those teeth of his... (Ash walks into the living quarters, in there lay a corpse. She had a skeletal-like blade stuck in her back and was holding onto what seemed like pieces of paper. Ash takes the pieces of paper from her hand and stands back up) Ash: One of these should tell us how to close that vortex. However............I have no clue how to read them. Logan: Give me those. (she snaches them from Ash) Hell, I can read this. Standard witch's alphabet... Crow: How would you know the witch's alphabet...nevermind, I don't want to know. (Logan smiles) Mike: Well? Are you going to read it or what? Logan: Just a second...this page speaks of a prophecy. It fortells that when the vortex closes, five demons will arise. A demon of simplicity. A demon of pure evil. A demon of immortality. A demon of nightmares. And a demon of...midgets? Tom: Midgets? Does it really say that? Logan: Yeah. It does. Anyway, these demons will fight a battle. Ash: And what happens after one wins? Logan: "See page 243." I don't have that one. Joel: Wow. If that's true, we could doom mankind. Tom: Joel, if it were a true prophecy it would have told us who won. Just read the damn spell thing and close the damn vortex. Logan: Conda moselu mesa koji maha... (suddenly thousands of Deadites float past the cabin as they're being sucked into the vortex) Logan: Mesee conda haru pojo! (the last of the Deadites are sucked up as the vortex closes) Tom: See guys? No demons or anything. (suddenly a dismembered hand pops out at Tom) GAH! (the hand lands on the floor and screeches to a halt. It seems to be staring them down, even though it has no eyes) Crow: Dude! It's Thing! (Ash runs off out the back door) Logan: Some medieval hero... (ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! The hand jumps into the air and lands on Mike. It crawls up to his throat and wraps his fingers around it. Suffocating him. The others try to pry it off but with no luck. Mike is running out of air. Just when Mike starts to get pale Ash appears at the door again) Ash: Yo, Hangnail. Remember me? (ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! The hand lets go of Mike and jumps toward Ash. Ash then pulls a running chainsaw out from behind him. The hand hits it and is split in half) Crow: (eying the chainsaw in Ash's hand) Where'd you get that? Ash: I keep this in the trunk of my car. Kind of a memento. Crow: (silently to Mike, Joel, Logan, and Tom) Guys. We need to talk. (Crow moves Mike, Joel, Logan, and Tom off to the side so Ash can't hear them) Crow: Uh, Joel. Do you remember when I told you that your car isn't going anywhere? Joel: Yeah, why was that anyway? Crow: Well, it looked like somebody sliced it up with a chainsaw. Messed it up pretty bad too. Logan: Wait, are you suggesting... Crow: Why not? We don't even know this guy. I mean who keeps a chainsaw in their trunk when they go to work? Tom: He is a little strange. I don't think he's gone five minutes without a one liner. Does he think he's Schwarzenegger or something? Mike: I saw we watch him. He makes one wrong move, we knock him out and throw him into that cellar over there. Crow: Mike, do you even watch horror movies? You turn your head for five seconds and they're either gone or behind you... Ash: (walks up behind them) What's going on? Crow: GAH! (Crow jumps up in surprise and knocks Ash in the face with his head. Ash falls to the ground out cold) Mike: Well, that was easy. Let's get him to that cellar. (Mike and Joel pull Ash's body to the cellar door and dump him in) Joel: Looks like this door is broken. Mike: Who cares. He should be down for a while. Logan: It still doesn't feel right to me. This could all be one big misunderstanding. Crow: You show me one other crazy guy with a chainsaw, and I'll back down off of him. (suddenly, as if on cue, the tip of a chainsaw cuts through the wall of the cabin and starts cutting it open. Soon after a giant bulky figure bursts through the wall and howls into the sky) Crow: Maybe I should just keep my big mouth shut. (the man with the chainsaw was dressed like some sort of chef, but on his face appeared to be a mask. A mask made of human skin. This man was Leatherface) Mike: We better get out of here. (they all run out of the cabin and out into the woods. But they suddenly halt. A lone masked figure is walking towards them carrying a butcher knife, Michael Myers) Tom: What the hell is this, a serial killer convention? Joel: DUCK! (ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Joel, Mike, and Logan all jump out of the way as Leatherface comes ramming through, spinning around with his chainsaw. He almost hits Myers who backs up out of the way. Leatherface stops spinning and stares down Myers, who stares right back. Myers takes a swing at Leatherface with his butcher knife but Leatherface dodges and tries to attack with his chainsaw. But our heroes are long gone. We cut to a cemetary, which Mike, Joel, Logan, Crow, and Tom all ran for) Tom: Well, isn't this a great place to die? Joel: Do you think those were more of those Deadite things? Logan: Maybe. I still got the pages, I could open the portal again and see if they get sucked in. Tom: You feel like trying a plan that's not insanely idiotic? Logan: You have a better idea? Mike: Just read it. Logan: I don't know which is the right passage. Mike: Then pick one! Logan: (sighs) Ade du demballa, Give me the power I beg of you! Mercier de choureax, Des beareax de mort Give me the power I beg of you! Mortiesse me'ludeveirre chordemie vauchiei A'dele pourte quesai demballa! A'dele pourte quesai demballa! A'dele pourte quesai demballa! (LIGHTNING BOLT! Suddenly a little figure pops up out of the dirt in front of a grave that reads "Charles Lee Ray." This figure looked like a beaten up, stiched together doll) Tom: What the hell is this? Chucky: (looks at Tom and speaks in a high-pitched pre-recorded voice) Hi, I'm Chucky! Wanna play? (we flash back to the cabin and pan down into the cellar. Ash is still lying there. Zoom in closer. Closer. Closer. INSTANT ZOOM OUT! Ash's eyes shoot wide open. He gets up off the ground and and climbs up out of the cellar. He takes a good look around for the strangers he drove in with. All he sees is fog) Voice in the distance: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (He walks out of the cabin and stupidly walks out into the woods following this voice. He finds himself near a lake. He looks out into the water when suddenly he sees a face wearing a hockey mask pop out of it, Jason Voorhees. Jason walks toward shore, and Ash sees that he is holding a machete in one hand and in the other was a head! A very badly burnt head too) Voice: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (a headless body pops up out of the dirt. It is wearing a red and black striped sweater and on the right hand is a glove with razors at the finger tips. Jason just stares at it as the head he is holding goes flying towards the body. It lands right on the neck, revealing himself to be Freddy Krueger) Freddy: Who's got the homefield advantage now, bitch? Jason just stares in anger at Freddy. Freddy raises his arms as the water in the lake behind Jason rises into the sky. Freddy pulls his arms toward him and and a tidal wave of water swallows both Jason and the unseen Ash, but misses Freddy entirely) Freddy: Nothing like a bath to perk you right up. (Freddy walks toward the washed up Jason, and lying right next to the Hockey masked killer was Ash, wet and confused) Freddy: Who the f*** are you? Ash: I could ask you the same thing, Extra Crispy. Freddy: Well then... (pulls out brown hat from behind him and puts it on his head) ...lets introduce ourselves. Ash: Lets. (Ash pulls out his shotgun and aims it at Freddy. He pulls the trigger and two BANG! flags pop out of the barrels) Freddy: (laughing) Welcome to my nightmare. (Freddy swipes at him with his glove but Ash jumps out of his way, only to land in front of something really big and wet. Ash turns around and sees Jason towering above him. Jason raises his machete and tries to chop Ash's head off. Ash ducks out of the way and rolls off to the side. Freddy and Jason don't pay him any attention and they start hacking at each other. Ash just stares at them) Ash: Well, I'm boned. (Ash then looks down to his metal hand. It begins to shrink and reform into a fleshy pink human hand) Ash: Holy sh*t. (Ash then has an idea. He stares at his hand again. This time it's growing longer. His hand has taken the form of a chainsaw) Ash: Groovy... (Ash then jumps into the melee. We flash back to Mike, Joel, Logan, Tom, and Crow who are staring at that doll that just popped out of the ground) Chucky: (high-pitched pre-recorded voice) I like to be hugged. Tom: Guys, this is just way too creepy. Joel: Oh, what are you talking about, Tom? (Walks up to Chucky and picks him up) It's a Good Guy doll. I remember these. These things were huge before Dr. Forester shot me into space. Chucky: (high-pitched pre-recorded voice) I'm your friend to the end! (Chucky lunges at Joel and starts strangling him) Tom: Woah! (Joel and Chucky fall backwards onto the ground) Chucky: Sorry Jack, Chucky's back! (evil laugh) Crow: Should we, like, do something? Logan: I could try the pages again. (Holds up the pages) Maske ohe mareo... (Meanwhile Freddy, Jason, and Ash are duking it out in the dream world. Jason is staring down Ash with his machete pressed down into Ash's chainsaw, and sparks are flying everywhere. Freddy jumps up behind Jason and prepares to take him on by surprise. BAM! Freddy meets a pile of dirt as Jason disappears. We cut to the bottom of Crystal Lake, where Jason's body lies. Jason's eyes open wide. Cut back to the dream world) Ash: Where'd the big guy go? Freddy: I don't know. But I'll have his head soon. But for now, Freddy could use a little target practice. (Freddy swipes at Ash, but Ash slashes off Freddy's gloved hand with his chainsaw. Freddy nurses his stumped hand, but then lifts it up so Ash can see it. Freddy's hand was growing back. And this time, instead of razor blades, there were mini chainsaws at the tips) Ash: Wow. (We cut back to Mike, Joel, Logan, Tom, Crow, and Chucky) Logan: I don't think anything happened. Mike: (grabs the pages and throws them into the woods) Good. Give it a rest before you get us all killed! Joel: (still being choked) Guys... (ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Mike runs up to Joel and kicks Chucky off of him. Chucky rolls right back to his tombstone) Chucky: (picking something shiny up) Well, what do you know. The Heart of Demballa. (shows the group the amulet he picked up) Now to get me a new body. Luckily, I got two perfectly good ones right here. Too bad Tiffany turned out to be such a bitch, 'cause you're not half bad either, toots. Crow: Oh, for god's sake, people! It's a doll! What's it going to do? Wet us to death? Chucky: Hey! I'll have you know that I may be anatomically correct, but I got the plumbing under control. As for you, I don't see anything in between those boney legs of yours. Crow: For your information, I'm wiry. Chucky: I don't give a rat's ass. I want a f***ing body. (points to Joel) And since he's already on the ground... (pulls out a knife) ...I'm going to take his. (he walks over to Joel and lifts the Heart of Demballa into the air) Ade du demballa, Give me the power I beg of you! Mercier de choureax, Des beareax de mort Give me the power I beg of you! (dark clouds fill the sky as lightning strikes. A large pounding noise erupts from behind Mike, Logan, Tom, and Crow. They all turn around to see what the hell it is. ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Leatherface flies backwards toward our heroes who all duck out of the way. Leatherface soars above their heads and falls flat on top of Chucky before he can finish the chant) Joel: Wow. How lucky. (Joel get up with the rest of the gang as they look back into the woods to see Myers walking up searching for Leatherface. Leatherface stands up, chainsaw roaring, and stares down toward Myers. Suddenly Chucky jumps onto his back and starts stabbing him in the shoulder repeatedly) Chucky: You son of a bitch! This'll teach you to sit on me! (Leatherface starts twirling around, trying to get Chucky off his back. Meanwhile Mike, Joel, Logan, Tom, and Crow sneak off unnoticed, wanting no part of what was taking place) Joel: Where do we go from here? Mike: We could find our way back to Ash's car. Logan: Oh my god! Ash! We left him back in the cellar! We have to get him! Tom: Wait. Wasn't Ash a bad guy? Joel: I don't know. With all these killers popping up everywhere, it's really getting confusing. I need to sit down. Mike: Well, the car's by the cabin anyway. We'd have to make our way back there. (They all eventually make their way toward the cabin. They all run toward the Oldsmobile and Mike climbs inside) Mike: Keys aren't here. Crow: Then hotwire it. Logan: I'm sure Ash has them. I'll go get them. (Logan runs inside the cabin and finds herself at the cellar opening) Logan: Ash? Are you still down there? (no answer. She proceeds down the stairs slowly, but not careful enough. Almost immediatly she misses a step and slides down. She lies down at the bottom of the cellar, not moving. Meanwhile at the Oldsmobile) Crow: She's been in there a while. Mike: Maybe we should go in and check on her. Joel: Who the hell is that? (they all look toward the woods. A tall figure wearing a hockey mask is standing there. It is Jason) Tom: God, not another one. Joel: Aren't there any sane people in New Jersey? (They all run off. We cut back to Ash and Freddy battling in the dreamworld. Ash keeps swinging his chainsaw at Freddy, but Freddy keeps blocking with his chainsaw glove, causing sparks to fly everywhere. Freddy then kicks Ash in the gut sending him onto his back. Freddy stands above him, ready to make the killing blow) Logan: (off to the side) Ash! (Freddy looks at Logan. Then back at Ash. Then back at Logan) Freddy: (grinning an evil grin) I can never resist the ladies... (Freddy walks over to her as his chainsaw glove forms back into his razor glove) Logan: That's a neat trick. Freddy: A cheap trick, compared to what this glove can really do... (Freddy swipes at Logan. ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Logan catches his arm and flips him over her shoulder. Freddy lands flat on his back) Logan: I don't hold hands on the first date. At least not with someone as ugly as you. Freddy: How do you feel about frenching? (Freddy's ultra long tongue shoots out and wraps around Logan's leg. Logan trips and falls to the ground as Freddy's tongue pulls her closer to his mouth. Suddenly Ash jumps out from the side, chainsaw roaring, and slices Freddy's tongue in half, freeing Logan and leaving Freddy pissed) Ash: What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Freddy: No matter. I'll just take yours. Ash: Bring it. (Freddy charges at Ash but right before he gets there, Ash vanishes. Ash awakens into the real world. He looks confused at first but stares at Logan's unconscious body on the ground next to him) Ash: Sh*t! (he runs to her side and slaps her in the face) Wake up, damnit! (back in the dream world) Freddy: Looks like it's just you and me, bitch. (Logan looks scared at first but shrugs it off. She gets into a kung fu position and does that "bring it on" hand movement. Back in the real world) Ash: Don't worry, babe. I'll get you out of here. (Ash picks her up in his arms and carries her up the stairs and out of the cellar. He makes it out of the cabin and to the Oldsmobile. Before he can get her in the Oldsmobile, the bottom of her S-Mart shirt rips open and four slashes appear on her stomach. Ash checks her pulse. She's still alive) Ash: Hang in there, girl. (Ash puts her in the passenger seat as he runs around and gets in the driver's side. Ash starts the Oldsmobile and the drive off down the road. We cut over to Mike, Joel, Tom, and Crow who are all still runing from Jason) Mike: This is ridiculous. We kicked Adam Sandler's ass for god's sake. Joel: In all fairness, Adam Sandler didn't have a huge machete. Mike: True. (they immediately stop when they find themselves in front of the battling Leatherface, Myers, and Chucky again. Chucky is going completly Yoda in "Attack of the Clones" on their asses) Crow: Anybody else get the feeling that we're just running in circles? (they hear a stomping behind them and they turn around. Jason had caught up to them) Tom: How ironic. After watching all those sh*tty movies, we're brought down by the star of the ultimate sh*tty movie series. (Jason raises his machete and prepares to strike, when suddenly the Oldsmobile plows into him from the side, sending him further into the woods) Ash: (getting out) Thank god I found you guys! Mike: Ash? Ash: I don't have time to explain... (runs over to passenger side and opens the door. Logan's limp body falls out) We got to wake her up, now! Tom: That's it? Hell, I can do that. Hey look! It's Matt Damon! And he's nude! (Logan's eyes shoot open as Freddy forms into the real world right on top of her) Tom: ...the hell? (Freddy looks around, confused as to what just happened. But he catches a glimpse of Jason standing up, and suddenly he doesn't care anymore) Freddy: YOU! (Freddy gets off of Logan and wonders over to Jason. But Jason is surrounded by three figures, Leatherface, Myers, and Chucky. The battle is on. Let the bodies hit the floor. Freddy charges at Jason and slashes at him repeatedly with his glove. Jason swings at him with his machete, but Freddy ducks off to the side. Chucky runs up to Jason and start hacking at his knee. This really annoys Jason, so Jason punts Chucky about a mile out into the woods. Then there were four: Leatherface, Myers, Jason, and Freddy. Michael Myers jumps out at Jason and stabs his butcher knife into his neck, but Jason just shoves him off. Leatherface runs toward Jason howling, he slices his chainsaw straight into his gut causing Jason to drop his machete and starts pushing Jason deeper into the woods. Eventually they crash into a nearby cabin. Jason falls to the floor of the cabin, coughing up blood, as Leatherface runs off back to the fight. The cabin's inhabitants, James Isaac and Todd Farmer smoking pot, surround the unconscious Jason) Farmer: Dude! Do you have any clue who this is? Isaac: Sweet! It's that Jason Voorhees dude! Let's tie him up in chains and make a crappy movie out of him! Farmer: Yeah! Where he like gets shot into space! Isaac: YES! THAT ROCKS! (they head butt each other. Back at the fight, then there were three: Leatherface, Myers, and Freddy) Freddy: No, damnit. He was mine! (Freddy starts hacking at Leatherface but is forced to back off when Leatherface starts twirling around with his chainsaw. Myers plows into Leatherface from behind, who in turn lands right into Freddy, causing him to fall right next to Jason's machete. Leatherface towers over the fallen Freddy, ready to make the final move. But Freddy's quicker, he grabs Jason's machete, jumps up, rams it into Leatherface's stomach. Leatherface falls to the ground, dead. Freddy then takes the machete and tosses it toward Myers. ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! We watch it twirl in the air toward Myers until it slices him right in the neck, chopping his head clean off. Then there was one: Freddy. He walks back over to Mike, Joel, Logan, Tom, Crow, and Ash with anger in his eyes) Freddy: I'll let you all live for one thing in return. Ash: What would that be? Freddy: (points a claw toward Logan) The bitch. Tom: Well it was nice knowing you Logan. Logan: Huh? Crow: Yeah, you were hot while it lasted. Logan: You guys gotta be joking... (Suddenly Chucky jumps up onto Freddy's back and slices his neck) Chucky: Never turn your back on me. (Freddy falls to the ground and Chucky jumps off and faces our heroes) Chucky: Now, about that body... (Ash pulls out his shotgun and shoves the barrel into Chucky's face) Ash: Playtime's over... (BANG! Chucky goes flying back to the graveyard and lands right back on his grave. He tries to get back up, but his crappy tombstone falls right on top of him) Chucky: (from under the tombstone) Oh great, I'm dead and life's still screwing me over. (Back with Mike, Joel, Logan, Tom, Crow, and Ash) Joel: That's it... Mike: Huh? Joel: I'VE HAD IT! Crow: Woah! Joel! Calm down! Joel: I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! I'M SICK OF THIS GAME! Tom: Wow. I've never seen Joel this pissed. (Joel's cell rings and he answers it) Joel: What? Oracle: (over the phone) Hey! How'd that slasher thing go? Joel: Where is he? Oracle: Who? Joel: The guy who is writing this crap. I want him now. Oracle: In New York City. Your next destination. (Joel hangs up) Joel: Guys, we're going to New York... (cue "Bring Me To Life" by Evenescence)
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