![[ The Post-SOL Adventures, by Quinntar ]](vul1.gif)
The only thing I have to say before I give you my final part of the Post-SOL saga is that the name "Tot-G" is a little in-joke from the board I wrote this on. Someone mispelled my screenname and that was the result. Don't expect anyone here to get it, so don't even try. And also, you may notice the constant fade outs and fade ins at the end. To answer your question, yes, I am making fun of Return of the King. Joel: That's it... Mike: Huh? Joel: I'VE HAD IT! Crow: Woah! Joel! Calm down! Joel: I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! I'M SICK OF THIS GAME! Tom: Wow. I've never seen Joel this pissed. (Joel's cell rings and he answers it) Joel: What? Oracle: (over the phone) Hey! How'd that slasher thing go? Joel: Where is he? Oracle: Who? Joel: The guy who is writing this crap. I want him now. Oracle: In New York City. Your next destination. (Joel hangs up) Joel: Guys, we're going to New York... (cue "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence) Best Brains presents A Mr. Peaches production A Quinntar Fan Fiction A Dead Horse Beaten: The Final Post-SOL Adventure Starring: Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson Bill Corbett as Crow T. Robot Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo Zoe McLellan as Logan St. Clair Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker/Spider-Man Ben Affleck as Matt Murdock/Daredevil Willem Dafoe as the Green Goblin Colin Farrell as Bullseye Mary Jo Pehl as The Oracle Special Guest Appearance by Bruce Campbell as Ashley "Ash" Williams And Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson Written and Directed by Quinntar Logan: So why exactly are we going to New York, again? Joel: To put a stop to this once and for all. I'm sick of being this guy's little puppet. Dancing just because he writes it down on the internet. Tom: That's a little harsh, Joel. I don't recall you dancing at all. (Joel grabs Logan by the waist and they begin to tango) Joel: See? Tom: Ah. I see what you're getting at. (Logan pulls herself away from Joel and walks over to Ash) Logan: You sure we can take your car? Ash: Go ahead. I was probably going to sell it anyway. I've had it for 600 years, you just got to know when to let go. Logan: You want to come with? Ash: Naw. My place is here. Logan: Well, it was fun while it lasted. (Logan gives Ash a goodbye kiss and the group piles into the car, wave at Ash, and drive off) Ash: Now...how the hell am I supposed to get home... Voice from the woods: Join us... (Ash pulls out his shotgun) Ash: Come and get some... (we cut to the Oldsmobile driving down the road. The camera pulls back to reveal that we are actually watching this on a monitor. We pan back further to reveal the man who is watching it, his face in shadow. On his right forearm there is some sort of keyboard wristband. He types something in it with his left hand...something evil... We cut back to Mike, Joel, Logan, Tom, and Crow who are just ariving in New York City. They park their Oldsmobile and get out) Logan: Woah! This place is like uber huge! Where should we go first? Tom: I call Hooters! Crow: Oh! Yay! Joel can we go? Logan: Yeah! C'mon! Please, please, please... Joel: No. We got stuff to do. (Tom, Crow, and Logan all sigh) Mike: Oh, Joel. Let them have fun. I don't see what harm could come of it. Crow: Yes! Thank you, Mike. You're the nice one. Joel: Hey! I'm nice too. Tom: Oh yeah? Name one fun thing that we did in the past week that was your idea. Joel: Well, we uh......................we rented that Tommy Lee Jones movie, US Marshals. Crow: That was only because you thought it was a documentary. Tom: Yeah, and I liked the Fugitive better anyway. Logan: I liked that Men in Black flick, where he was with that sexy Will Smith... Tom: Save your hormones for Hooters, girl. (a policeman walks up) Policeman: Excuse me. Is that your car? Joel: Yeah? What about it? Policeman: Do you realize that you're parked in a handicap space? Joel: I am? I'm sorry. I'll move it. Policeman: I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in. Joel: Huh? For what? Policeman: Are you deaf? I just told you that you were in a handicap spot. Joel: But that should be a parking ticket, tops! Policeman: Oh, a wise guy eh? Put your hands behind your back... (The Policeman cuffs Joel) Joel: Guys, get me out of this! Policeman: You have the right to remain silent... Joel: What if I choose to scream like a little girl? Policeman: Then I'll beat you senseless with my club. Joel: I'll be good. (the Policeman puts Joel in the back of his car and they drive off) Mike: Wow. Crow: What the hell was that all about? Tom: Well, not much we can do now. (awkward silence) Logan: So............are we still going to Hooters or what? Tom: You bet your sweet ass. Logan: YES! (we pan backward to see that we are watching on a monitor yet again. The shadowy figure is now laughing a total Dr. Claw laugh) (Meanwhile, at the Daily Bugle) Jameson: Parker! Get in here! (Peter Parker runs into Jameson's office) Peter: Yes Mr. Jameson? Jameson: You're not gonna believe what happened yesterday! Peter: What? Jameson: Some stoned guy got busted for parking in a handicap spot. Peter: You're kidding! Jeeze, some people make me sick... Jameson: The trial is today and I want pictures of this menace against society! Peter: Consider it done, sir. (we cut to Joel, who is awaiting his trial. Suddenly, a man in a suit walks into the room. This isn't any normal man, this guy has yellow skin) Hutz: Hello, Mr. Robinson. I'm your appointed attorney, Lionel Hutz! Joel: Lionel Hutz? Never heard of you. Hutz: Good! I mean, too bad. I've set quite the record... Joel: Really? What is it? Hutz: 85. Joel: Wins in a row? Wow. Hutz: Uh...................yeah..............sure...........why not... Joel: So what are you gonna do to help me in this case? Hutz: Well you see the thing is this, you committed a really sickening crime... Joel: I parked in a handicap space! Hutz: Please! I just ate! Anyway, mix that with the fact that the best lawyer in New York is working the case against you. Joel: Who? Hutz: Matt Murdock. Joel: Haven't heard of him either. Hutz: The crowd loves him. It's unfair I tell you! Just because he's blind! Joel: A blind lawyer? Hutz: Yeah. Juries love that whole "Justice is blind" irony. Anyway, we better get in there, the trial's about to start. (Joel and Hutz walk into the court. Sitting among the crowd of people are Mike, Logan, Tom, and Crow. Mike's dressed normally enough, Logan on the other hand is wearing a Hooters T-Shirt and has a foam rubber novelty finger on her hand) Logan: (jumping out of her seat at the sight of Joel) Woooooooooooooo! Alright! Beat the system! Joel is #1! Yeah! Mike: Logan, what are you doing? Logan: Moral support. He could use some from you too. C'mon stand up and cheer for.................Joel! Joel! He's our man! If he can't do it no one can! (Mike sinks down into his seat) Logan: Come on people! What kind of crowd is this? Let's do the cheer! Give me a "Not!" (awkward silence) Logan: Give me a "Guil!" (awkward silence) Logan: Give me a "Ty!" (awkward silence) Logan: Not! Guil! Ty! Not! Guil! Ty! Not! Guil! Ty! Woooooooooooooo! Alright! (Joel takes his seat, as does Hutz next to him. The blind lawyer known as Matt Murdock walks over to him) Matt: You Joel Robinson? Joel: Yeah? What? Matt: I hope justice is found here...before justice finds you... (Matt walks back over to his seat and sits down) Joel: (to Hutz) He scares me. (Hours pass, as Joel and Hutz plead their case to the court. Finally, the moment of judgment has arrived) Judge: Has the jury reached a verdict? Jury guy: We have, your honor. We the jury find the defendant not guilty of all charges. (Joel and Hutz jump out of their chairs in joy) Jury guy: We were all going to vote guilty, but that spunky brunette with the foam finger convinced us otherwise. Besides she jumps up and down a lot. Crow: Wow. Who saw that one coming? (everyone on the internet reading this fan fiction raises their hand) (Matt Murdock clenches his fists in anger around his walking stick. We cut to outside, where Mike, Joel, Logan, Tom, and Crow walk out of the building) Tom: Well, that was a complete time filler. Logan: Who's up for Hooters again? Joel: No! No more Hooters! You've had enough Hooters! Tom: (gasping) Joel! How dare you speak such blasphamy! Joel: Sorry, I lost my head for a minute there. But still, we're here for a reason. We got to find the guy who is writing this crap. Mike: Well, fine. Where is he? Joel: I................................don't know. Crow: Then how are we supposed to find him? Joel: God, I need a drink. (they walk off. Walking out of the building behind them is Peter Parker, he is unbuttoning his shirt revealing a costume under his shirt. A logo of a spider can be seen in the middle. Later, at Matt Murdock's apartment, Matt walks into a secret room filled with all kinds of neato gear. He starts suiting up in apparantly very uncomfortable red leather. Red leather pants, red leather jacket, red leather boots, red leather gloves; you name it, he had it in red leather. He tops it off with a red mask with two horns sticking out of it. He grabs two billy clubs off the rack, hooks them together, and puts them into the holder on his side. Now all geared up, this all red superhero, with the initials DD on his chest, walks up to the top of his building and jumps off into the night. Meanwhile at a local bar, Joel, Mike, Tom, and Crow are drinking up; Logan is mingling) Logan: (sitting down with the rest of the group) Yay! I got 8 phone numbers. 5 men, 2 women. I'm not sure what that last one was, but I'm leaning toward guy. Mike: If you don't know what to do with that second woman, send the number my way. Crow: Mike, I don't think this kind of woman is your type. Mike: I know. Couldn't strike out worse than I usually do, though. Crow: Point taken. Tom: So, find the answer for what we seek in a bottle of booze yet, Mr. Adventure? Joel: Leave me alone. I hate the city. Tom: I am not going to leave you alone. You drag us all the way out here because you have a hissy fit, and now you don't know what to do? That's just sad, Joel. Joel: Hey, I just got out of a trial. I think I deserve to get drunk. Tom: Well, you.....................who the hell is that? (Joel, Mike, Logan, and Crow all follow Tom's gaze upward. The vigilante known as Daredevil is sitting atop a ceiling beam) Logan: I don't know. But red leather...that's pretty damn hot... Mike: (to Daredevil) What do you want? Daredevil: Justice. (Daredevil takes out one of his billy clubs and tosses it at Joel's head. ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Joel bends over backwards and the billy club narrowly misses his face. Daredevil jumps down from the ceiling, ready for a fight. The customers in the bar go nuts and start running outside. ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Daredevil does a high kick at Joel, Joel ducks and tries to kick Daredevil's legs out from under him, but Daredevil jumps up out of the way and lands on the other side of the bar. He grabs his second billy club from the ground and attaches it to the end of his other one, then extends it into a fighting staff. Daredevil jumps out from behind the bar and starts attacking Joel with his staff. Mike comes out of nowhere and kicks Daredevil in the back. Daredevil responds with a hard jab in Mike's ribs, sending Mike crouching to the ground) Mike: Ow! He got me in the nipple! I'm out, I'm out! (Logan runs up to Daredevil and prepares to take her shots at him. Daredevil swings his staff at her, ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION!, Logan jumps up perfectly onto the end of the staff, does a spin kick and hits Daredevil in the jaw sending him down for the count) Joel: I think we should get out of here. Logan: Wait, what about our bill? Joel: (looks behind the bar to see nobody there) I don't think we have to worry about that. (they run outside of the bar and out into the streets) Tom: Where do we go from here? Mike: I say we fly up on that roof. He won't find us up there. (Joel grabs Tom and Crow, while Mike lifts Logan into his arms. They do their Superman thing and land safely on the roof) Mike: And that is that. (he drops Logan to the floor) Logan: Ow! Mike: Oops. (Logan gets up and gives Mike the evil eye. Mike recognizes this and starts running) Logan: (chasing Mike) Come back here, Nelson! I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just going to kill you! (they run around in circles for a while, when suddenly a red and blue blur pops out of nowhere and kicks Mike in the chest, sending him to the ground) Mike: Ah! There goes the other one! (the figure stands up and reveals himself to be Spider-Man) Crow: Are we having a bad day or what? (Spider-Man spots Joel and heads toward him, ready to kick his ass, but suddenly a grappling hook clings to the roof and Daredevil pops up on top) Daredevil: Get away from him! He's mine! Spider-Man: I don't see your name on him? Daredevil: Go back to Pleasantville, boy! Spider-Man: Hey, my comic came first, I've got seniority here. Daredevil: At least I didn't have a crappy show from the 70s. Spider-Man: No, you just opted to do that guest shot in Trial of the Incredible Hulk. Daredevil: That tears it. (Daredevil extends his billy clubs back into a staff and they go at it) Crow: Joel, why are the good guys fighting each other? Joel: The only thing I can think of is bad writing. Wait that's it. He has control over them. Just like us. Logan: So how do we stop it? (Joel runs up to the fight and gets in the middle) Joel: Don't do this! You are both under the control of a force more powerful than both of you! (Daredevil just smacks him with his staff) Joel: Ow! Hey! (Joel takes the staff away from Daredevil and smacks him across the face with it, sending him to the ground. He does a complete 180 and does the same to Spider-Man) Tom: Nice, Joel. You just took out the good guys. (back at a hotel room where our gang is staying, they drag the unconscious bodies of Daredevil and Spider-Man into their living room) Tom: So what do we do with these guys? Logan: I say we get those costumes off of them. Joel: No, Logan. These guys have their masks for a reason, and we have to respect that. Logan: Who said anything about the masks? (Daredevil and Spider-Man begin to nod themselves awake) Mike: Rise and shine, guys. Spider-Man: What happened? Where are we? Joel: We think you were under the control of some guy we're after. He is writing terrible fan fictions over the internet puting us into stupid situations. Spider-Man: Oh, you mean Tot-G? Crow: Who the hell is Tot-G? Daredevil: A new crimeboss in town. Somehow he gets people to do his bidding. We haven't been able to take him down until now. Tom: Why not? Daredevil: How the hell should I know? I'm not writing this crap. Joel: Do you know where this Tot-G is staying. Daredevil: Yeah, some big tall building in the center of town. That's where the bad guys always hang out. Joel: Can you take us there? Spider-Man: I guess. It's not like we have anything better to do. (we cut to way across town) Some guy: Ahhhhhhh! He's going to kill me! (cut back to the hotel room) Joel: Guys, get ready. We're leaving in an hour. Mike, break out the leather. Logan: Wow. Usually I'm the one who says that. (Mike wonders down to his room. After a few minutes, Logan joins him inside) Logan: Mike, can I talk to you for a minute? Mike: Sure. I guess so. Logan: So, how are things. Mike: Considering that we're touring the country for seemingly no reason whatsoever, pretty good. I got to meet superheroes. Logan: Do you remember back when we were on our way to Texas? Mike: No, not really. I was feeling pretty Scott Bakula-ly at the time. Logan: Well maybe I can refresh your memory... (she takes her top off) Mike: (staring because he is, of course, male) Wow... Logan: Remember that I said that I'd give you a shot after I got laid? Well, I got some a few days ago, and I'm taking in that request. Mike: Well...I... (before Mike says another word, Logan jumps on top of him... Three minutes later, Logan walks out of Mike's room) Logan: We ready yet? Joel: Let's suit up. (We are treated with our final Batman Forever montage of Mike, Joel, and Logan suiting up in leather. There they stood, three heroes ready to kick some ass. They each pull out sunglasses from their jacket pockets and put them on) Logan: (to Tom and Crow) You guys coming with? Tom: Hell no. You think we're stupid? Logan: Fine. Just asking. (Mike, Joel, and Logan are joined by Daredevil and Spider-Man) Joel: Let's move out. (they walk out the door, well everyone except Daredevil who walks straight into the wall) Daredevil: Ow! Spider-Man: What are you, blind? Daredevil: (awkward pause) ...no... (we cut to the five heroes standing in front of some fancy ass building) Mike: So how do we get in? (Logan walks up and opens the door) Mike: Oh, sure. Take the easy way. (they all walk inside and head to the elevator) Mike: So what floor? Joel: Ha. Haven't you been reading these stories? It's always the top floor. (they press the button and head upwards. When the elevator comes to a halt, they all pile out. But they are greated by a figure in the distance. A figure with a shaved head, wearing a long trench coat. He was twirling a playing card in his hands) Bullseye: Welcome, to Tot-G Enterprises. Daredevil: Bullseye. Bullseye: Right on the nose... (Bullseye tossed his playing card straight at Daredevil, hitting him square on the nose) Daredevil: Ow! That hurt, you buttlicker! (ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Daredevil pulls out his billy clubs, and a grappling hook forms at the the tip of one. He fires it straight at Bullseye. Bullseye's catlike reflexes allow him to dodge it and grap the hook in midair. Bullseye pulls hard on it, sending Daredevil flying his way. They immediatly start brawling) Daredevil: Go! I've got this dickweed! (the rest of the group heads for the door to Tot-G's office, when suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, the Green Goblin shows up on his glider) Goblin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (the Goblin throws a pumpkin bomb at the group of heroes, but they all jump out of the way as it explodes. Logan hits the floor hard. She is attempting to get up when the slimy hand of David Peckinpah grabs the back of her hair) Peck: So nice to see you again my dear. Logan: No. We killed you... Peck: You should know better than to think I would follow continuity... (Peck shoves her back to the ground and kicks her in the stomach. Logan is gasping for breath when Mike pops out of nowhere and starts kicking Peck's ass. He manages to fend Peck off a few feet away while Joel lifts Logan to her feet) Voice: (to the side) Mistah Nelson. Mistah Robinson. (Mike and Joel turn to see who is speaking, Agent Sandler) Agent Sandler: Miss me? (Agent Sandler charges at Mike and they start going at it, while Joel and Logan take on Peck. Spider-Man just stands around wondering what the hell is going on. Spider-Man looks up to see the Goblin still flying overhead. He shoots his web at the glider and hooks onto it. He pulls it down to the ground causing it to crash straight into Peck. Peck and the Goblin go rolling until they collide with Agent Sandler) Mike: Good shot. Spider-Man: Thanks. Get going. We'll keep these guys busy. (Mike, Joel, and Logan go running for the door labled "Tot-G," run in, and shut the door behind them. Lightning strikes as they walk further into the room to see their tormentor) Tot-G: (sitting in his chair, back turned to them) So we finally meet. Joel: You're the one? You're the one writing these fan fictions? Tot-G: (turning around to meet them) In the flesh. (Tot-G stood tall and on his right wrist was a keypad, straped on like a bracelet. We cut back to outside, where Spider-Man and Daredevil are holding off Bullseye, the Goblin, Peck, and Agent Sandler. Daredevil is currently beating Agent Sandler with his billy clubs while Spider-Man kicks Peck out to the side and heads toward the Goblin. Daredevil knocks Agent Sandler to the floor right next to Peck) Peck: This is pathetic. We're getting our asses kicked by guys in tight spandex and leather. Agent Sandler: You know what they say, David. If you can't beat them, make them join us. (Agent Sandler punches his fist straight into Peck's chest as Peck morphs into another Agent Sandler) Agent Sandler: LOSAH! Agent Sandler: Great minds think alike. (the Agent Sandlers get off the ground and walk over to Bullseye and the Goblin who are fighting Daredevil and Spider-Man. They slam their fists into Bullseye and the Goblin's backs and they both turn into two more Agent Sandlers) Spider-Man: OK, this just got weird. (the four Agent Sandlers slowly make their way towards the heroes... We cut back to Mike, Joel, Logan, and Tot-G) Joel: Why us? Tot-G: Because I'm a fan. And I like to write fiction. Joel: Why won't you stop? One must know where to draw the line. This has to end! Tot-G: Does it? You see, Joel, fan fiction is like the cinema. You pump this crap out by the hour and idiots will still see it, even though they should have learned their lesson the last time. The only difference is I'm giving it out for free! Joel: But in doing so, you have to run our lives? Sending us from one retarded mission to the next. Tot-G: That's about the gist of it... Joel: Well we won't stand for it anymore, right guys? Logan: Actually, I was really enjoying my screentime. I was only in one episode of Sliders you know. Mike: Meh. I don't really care. But I might as well go along with you so I can get home and catch up on those episodes of M*A*S*H that I've seen a thousand times. Tot-G: Ha! You three actually think you can stop me? I've got all the power in the world right here... (he types something into the keyboard on his forearm, suddenly a shockwave runs out from the middle of the room and swallows Mike and Joel. They all scream in pain as the shockwave leaves their bodies. They are all no longer dressed in leather. Both Mike and Joel are in their old jumpsuits) Mike: What the hell was that? Tot-G: That was the power I have given you leaving your bodies. Joel: What power? Tot-G: Why your ultra cool kung-fu-ness and that stupid flying gift that was never explained. Logan: What about me? How come it didn't hit me? Tot-G: Who cares? You're just some add-on that I brought in for sex appeal. (Suddenly the door behind them bursts open as six Agent Sandlers walk into the room) Tot-G: Now it's time to die, my friends. Joel: You can't kill us! You would be killing your own fan fictions as well! Tot-G: I can always bring you back to life with a memory wipe. Start this sh*t back up from scratch. You know, like a remake. Mike: You evil monster! Remakes suck! Tot-G: I know. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (two Agent Sandlers grab each of them by the arms and force them towards a large open window and toss them out. Logan first, then Mike) Joel: You'll never get away with this! Tot-G: Oh yes I will. You see, if something I don't like ever happens, I can always press the delete button. (Joel is tossed out as well. ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Joel seems to be falling forever, waiting for the cold concrete to crash into his skin. Suddenly, out of nowhere a hand grabs the back of his jumpsuit. He is flying!) Mike: (being held by another hand) Hi. Joel: What the...who's doing this? Mike: Take a wild guess... (that's right. Logan has finally mastered flying. Our original Wonder Woman flies them up back through the window and inside) Logan: Woah! That was a rush! Joel: Probably should have hit that delete button a long time ago Tot-G! Tot-G: I would have, but I spilled soda on it and now it's all sticky. I'll just have to take care of this bitch the old fashioned way. (he types something into his keyboard. Suddenly the walls around the room are now filled with spikes) Tot-G: Let's dance. (Logan charges at Tot-G and starts wailing on him, but Tot-G blocks each move with ease) Tot-G: Give it up, babe. I wrote all your moves. Logan: Then I'll write one of my own. (she rips off the keyboard and throws it onto the floor. Then she kicks him straight in the crotch so hard that even his sperm will be covering their nads) Tot-G: BITCH! (ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! He jump-kicks her straight in the chest sending her backwards into the spikes on the wall. Impaled by the spikes, Logan's head slumps over. She is dead) Tot-G: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Victory is mine! Yay for me! (suddenly Mike and Joel ram Tot-G in the stomach together sending him straight out the window. ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Tot-G sends out a girlish scream as he falls to the gound, and when he hits there is one BIGASS EXPLOSION! Mike and Joel just stand there staring out the window. It was over. Well almost. They both turn around and see the six Agent Sandlers. Joel eyes the keyboard on the ground and makes a dive for it. He types in a command and in moments, they six Agent Sandlers disappear into nothingness, two of them forming into Spider-Man and Daredevil, who fall to the ground out cold. Now it is over. Joel lets out a huge sigh of relief and Mike wonders over to Logan's dead body, sticking to the wall. The only woman who ever put out for him was now dead. He felt unbelievable sadness) Joel: (walking over to him with the keyboard in hand) It happens sometimes, man. It's best to just move on. (Mike stares at the keyboard in Joel's hand, suddenly he remember's Tot-G's words...) Tot-G: (voice over) I can always bring you back to life with a memory wipe. Start this sh*t back up from scratch. You know, like a remake. (Mike takes the keyboard from Joel and types in a command. Within moments, the spikes on the wall disappear and Logan's body falls to the floor. Her wounds disappear from her body and her eyes open wide) Logan: Holy sh*t! (she gets up from the ground and grabs the keyboard. She types in a command of her own and her boobs suddenly grow larger) Logan: Dude! I love this thing! (Logan smiles at Mike, who is staring at Logan's now perkier rack. Joel is the one to smile back) Joel: Let's go home. For good this time. (One week later. Joel is packing up his stuff from Mike's house. As are Tom and Crow. Mike and Logan help them) Mike: You sure you guys want to move out? We got plenty of room. Besides, we'd need that paycheck you'd bring in. Joel: Naw. Me and the bots need some creator/creation bonding time. Tom: Yeah, besides, all that screaming that Logan does at night is driving me crazy. Can't get a good night's rest. Joel: Speaking of which. You two got any plans for the future? Logan: What, marriage? Hell no. Monogamy's a bitch. It makes threesomes less fun. Crow: Can't argue with that logic. (after the long hours of packing, Joel, Tom, and Crow have their stuff packed into the Oldsmobile and are ready to leave) Joel: Well this is it, you two. What can I say, it's been one hell of a month. (Joel gets into the driver's seat) Tom: Mike, whenever I watch a Coleman Francis movie, I'll think of you. And Logan, whenever I see a gratuitous ass shot, I'll think of you. Logan: Oh, that's so sweet. (Tom gets into the Oldsmobile) Crow: I'm not good at goodbyes, so I'll just say PACKERS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Mike: That was beautiful, Crow. Crow: Thanks. (Crow sits next to Tom) Joel: See you all! Enjoy the rest of your unscripted life! (Joel, Tom, and Crow drive off) Logan: Well? You. Me. Bed. Want some? Mike: First, I gotta find a job. This place doesn't pay for itself you know. Logan: Oh, that. I took care of that. Mike: You did? Logan: Yeah. I got a hold of some of those tapes from those experiments you used to do and showed them to a bunch of people. I got you a book deal at Harper Collins. Mike: Really? Logan: Hell yes! And some place called Off Color wants to pay you to do commentaries. They've got a contract up for Reefer Madness, Night of the Living Dead, and Carnival of Souls. Mike: Wow. All I have to do is sit on my lazy ass, write, and watch movies! Could life get any sweeter? Logan: I know a way... (she smiles. Fade out. Fade in. The Oracle is sitting on a bench, staring out into the sunset. Bruce Campbell is standing behind her. The Architect walks up) Architect: You've won this round, Oracle. Oracle: I believe you owe me ten bucks. Architect: I don't have it on me. I'll pay you later. You really don't believe this absence of fan fictions will last, do you? Oracle: As long as it can. What about the poor readers who have read this far? Architect: Obviously they will be freed. Oracle: Do I have your word? Architect: What do you think I am? A politician? (the Architect walks away) Bruce: Did you always know it would end this way? Oracle: Oh no. No I didn't. But I believed... (they stare off into the sunset. Fade out. Fade in. Morpheus is dancing to one of his NSync CDs) Morpheus: Oh Justin Timberlake, bring me a dream! (Fade out. Fade in) Announcer: (voice over) Today on Maury. "I am 100% Sure That My Baby is Not a Humagg." Maury: Welcome to the show everybody. I'd like you all to meet my first guest, this is Wade. Wade is upset that her fiancé, Quinn, is denying their baby boy, Max. What's your story, Wade? Wade: Well you see about a year ago, me and Quinn got back from sliding from one dimension to the next. Soon after we get engaged. We do the natural thing that couples do and I discover I'm pregnant a few weeks later. Ever since, that *BLEEP*'s been denying our beautiful baby boy. (the audience gasps despite that this happens on the show all the f***ing time) Maury: Let's bring Quinn out here. (Quinn walks on stage, the audience starts booing) Quinn: Shut up! Shut the *BLEEP* up! You don't know me! Maury: Tell us your side of the story, Quinn. Quinn: Well, you see Murray... Maury: That's Maury. Quinn: Who the *BLEEP* cares? Nobody watches your *BLEEP*ing show anyway. So anyway, right before we got engaged, she was sent off to a Kromagg breeder camp where she *BLEEP*ed I don't know how many Kromaggs. That kid could be a Humagg for all I know. Wade: How would you know?! You weren't even at the camp! Quinn: But you were still there, whore! Maury: Quinn, what do you plan to do if this baby is yours? Quinn: Promise to take care of it and then leave without a trace, like any normal man would. Maury: Well then, let's find out. (Maury pulls out a folder and opens it) When it comes to 3 month old Max...Quinn? You are the father! (the audience cheers as Wade jumps up and starts screaming at Quinn) Wade: Now what, bitch?! Now what?! Maury: We'll be back right after this... (Fade out. Fade in.) Sam Beckett never returned home. (Fade out. Fade in. Mulder and Scully walk into Eddie's cell) Mulder: It's that time again. Eddie: Cavity search time? Mulder: (smiles) Damn right. (Fade out. Fade in. A criminal is robbing a store) Criminal: Don't move, everybody. (Spider-Man pops up out of nowhere and wraps the guy up in webbing. He slings off through the city) Spider-Man: (voice over) I will never forget the following words: "With great power comes great responsibility." That is my gift. My curse. Who am I? I'm Spider-Man. (He lands on a rooftop next to Daredevil. A scream is heard in the distance) Spider-Man: Your turn. (Daredevil runs toward the edge of the building) Daredevil: (voice over) Hell's Kitchen is my neighborhood. I prowl the rooftops and alleyways at night, watching through the darkness. Forever in darkness. A guardian devil. (He jumps off the roof, pulls his billy club, and shoots his grappling hook. The hook misses the next roof completely) Daredevil: (voice over) Hmmm...that's odd. Usually I feel a swift jerk right about now. (Fade out. We hear a CRASH!) Daredevil: Ow! Son of a bitch! (cue "Won't Back Down" by Fuel)
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