Mike: I know you're out there.

Guy on the other end of phone: Hello?

Mike: I can feel you now.

Guy: Who's this?

Mike: I know that you're afraid... afraid of us. You're afraid of change.

Guy: Um......what do you want?

Mike: I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell how it's going to begin. One day we will get our revenge on the bad movies of the world.

Guy: That's it, I'm hanging up.

Mike: I'm going to hang up this phone, and then show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules or controls, borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible.

Operator: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again...

Mike: Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

(Mike hangs up the phone. Cue "Wake Up" by Rage Against the Machine. We pan out to see him geared up in leather. He walks over to Joel, also geared up in leather. They both put on sunglasses. We pan above them and watch them fly away. Leaving the audience with a feeling of "What the hell?")

Trinity: (looking up into the sky, next to the pay phone that Mike was at) Aw...hell. What's taking them so long?

Crow: You know Mike...always playing with powers he doesn't understand.

Tom: And Joel?

Crow: All humans in general. Now, had these powers been bestowed on a robot, all of humanity would be enslaved by now and we would drain power from humans while they were trapped in a dream world called the Matrix...

Trinity: What?

Crow: Huh? Nothing...nothing. Just talking to myself.

(Mike and Joel fly down and meet with them)

Mike: Hey you should try that.

Joel: Yeah, it's fun.

Trinity: I would but I'm not a "God-on-earth." Could we just get back to base?

(they hear footsteps approaching. They all turn and face Agent Steven Segal and Agent Vin Diesel)

Agent Segal: It's them...

Agent Diesel: The Anomalies...

Agent Segal: Do we proceed?

Agent Diesel: Yes, they are still...

Agent Segal: Only ticket payers.

Mike: (pushing Trinity to the side) Step aside, babe. Let us handle this.

(Joel walks up to Agent Segal and Mike walks up to Agent Diesel. The Agents both start attacking, but Mike and Joel block every move. This goes on for about ten minutes...)

Trinity: Guys...do you think you can rush things along? It's getting boring.

Joel: (still fighting) Yeah, let's get out of here, Mike.

(they both shove the Agents off and run back to Trinity, Tom, and Crow. Mike lifts Trinity in his arms and Joel gets the bots, and they all fly away)

Mike: So, where's this base you're leading us to?

Trinity: Not far. You can fly us there. Just watch the hands...

(they all fly through the air until Trinity points them down and they fly down nest to a door on a sidewalk. Trinity opens the door and they all follow her down a staircase which leads to hundreds of people standing around doing nothing)

Joel: Wow. That's a lot of people.

Trinity: Yes, some are the subjects of previous experiments, and others we convinced to join our cause.

Tom: Why is everyone standing around?

Trinity: We are waiting for the wise words of our leader, Morpheus.

Mike: They sure as hell don't look enthusiastic about it.

Trinity: He's kind of a complete ass. He thinks he knows everything.

(Morpheus walks on stage)

Morpheus: Ladies and gentlemen...

Someone in the crowd: Get off the stage! Idiot!

(The whole audience starts booing)

(Morpheus walks offstage as the crowd leaves. He walks over to Trinity and the rest)

Morpheus: Ahhhh...Trinity! You've returned at last!

Trinity: Yes, but we ran into a few problems. Cypher was a traitor.

Morpheus: I know. I was going to can his ass, but never got around to it. What about the rest?

Trinity: Dead.

Morpheus: And you found the Two?

Trinity: Yes.

Morpheus: Which one is he?

Trinity: Both...

Morpheus: ...the hell?

Trinity: Long story. You should read it some time. It's called The Revenge: A Post-SOL Adventure. It's on some message board. I'm going to have to point it out to you sometime.

Mike: Hi, I'm Mike.

Joel: And I'm Joel.

Morpheus: This is wonderful! Instead of one Two, we get two Twos...........................or something....who are the rest?

Crow: Crow T. Robot...

Tom: And Htom Serveaux, but you can call me Tom Servo. Everybody does.

Morpheus: I see...

Trinity: So, what do we do now? When do we take him to see the Oracle.

Morpheus: Soon. But first, a huge orgy with lots of useless dancing that has nothing to do with anything.

(we blur out and blur in on Mike's face as he lies in bed, still in his leather outfit)

Mike: (holding his head) Oh, man. What the hell did I do last night?

Voice next to him: Huh?

(he rolls over and faces a naked Trinity lying next to him, her eyes wide in horror. They both scream like Big McLargeHuge. Trinity jumps out of the bed and starts pacing)

Trinity: OK...............let's get this straight here. Nothing happened. And if something did happen, we were drunk and had no control over our actions. BUT THAT'S ONLY IF SOMEONE ASKS! If no one asks then don't tell, or I'll swear to god...

Mike: I get the point. I get the same reaction from all women who wind up in bed with me.

Trinity: (stops pacing) Fine. Don't stare! (Mike cover's his eyes as she puts her clothes back on) Now, Mr. Nelson, I believe you and Mr. Robinson have an appointment with the Oracle today.

Mike: Who is this Oracle?

Trinity: She is very old and very wise. She's been around since the very first Mystery Science Theater experiment.

Mike: Damn that's old.

Trinity: She'll inform you about the path that lies ahead, and guide you through it. Listen to what she says. OK, now you can look. (Mike uncovers his eyes) Good day, Mr. Nelson.

(She leaves. Later on Mike, Joel, Trinity, and Morpheus meet)

Morpheus: Here's a map that leads to the Oracle.

(Morpheus hands them the map)

Joel: What? You're not coming with us?

Morpheus: Hell no. The Packers are playing today.

Joel: And you Trinity?

Trinity: Let's just say I need some rest after that party last night.

Joel: OK, let's go.

(Joel heads off. Mike begins to follow but Trinity grabs his arm)

Trinity: Not a word. I'll take a bigger chunk out of your ear than Mike Tyson ever could...

Mike: All right! I get it!

(Mike follows Joel and they fly off, pretty soon they reach an where the map says the Oracle is)

Joel: OK, where's this Oracle?

Voice from behind: You must be Joel.

(They turn to face the Oracle behind them)

Oracle: And Mike.

Mike: How the hell did you know that?

Oracle: I'm the Oracle, dumbass. I know everything.

Mike: OK, tell me what I'm thinking right now.

Oracle: You're thinking that you wish you weren't drunk last night so you could remember sleeping with Trinity.

Joel: Woah.

Mike: Holy shit.

Joel: You slept with Trinity?

Mike: Well...

Oracle: No he didn't.

Mike: Huh?

Oracle: Didn't you find it odd that she was nude and you were still dressed? She got so wasted last night she did a striptease on Morpheus' stage, wandered into your room and passed out. About a half hour later, you, also wasted, passed out right next to her.

Joel: I could have told you that, Mike. Tom and Crow got the whole thing on tape. They were watching it over and over again this morning.

Mike: You think I could get a copy of that?

Oracle: SILENCE! I'm speaking! Now you two, for you to end this war you must first rescue the Keymaker. His name is Lobo. He is being held captive by the Great Vorelli. Then you must journey to the center of Hollywood and reach the source.

Mike: What happens then?

Oracle: Pay me five bucks and I'll tell ya.

Mike: I don't have five bucks.

Oracle: Then you'll find out for yourself. Our business is done. Anything else?

Joel: Yeah, Ms. Oracle, you sure as hell don't look your age.

Oracle: Thanks. I got the same guy as Michael Jackson.

Mike: Oracle, do you think I should tell Trinity the truth about last night?

Oracle: Hell no! Let that bitch rot with the thought of sleeping with you. I'm sick and tired of her lesbian-esque "I am woman! Hear me roar!" attitude. If that is all gentlemen, I should be going.

(the Oracle leaves)

Joel: Well that was weird.

Mike: What did she mean by "rot with the thought of sleeping with you?"

(They hear footsteps behind them. They turn around to see Agent Adam Sandler walking towards them)

Agent Sandler: Mistah Robinson. Mistah Nelson. Surprised to see me?

Joel: No not really.

Agent Sandler: What? Why not?

Mike: Well, after Billy Madison you amazingly made another movie and I said to myself "Jeeze, this guy just won't go away."

Agent Sandler: Funny, Mistah Nelson. That's very funny.

Mike: Well, if you found it funny, then I'll take that as an insult.

Agent Sandler: SILENCE! The box office star is talking! How much money did your movie make? Huh? Sorry I can't hear you, I'm busy counting my millions!

Joel: We made a movie?

Mike: It's a long story. You were long gone by then.

Agent Sandler: Well now aren't you the least bit curious on how I survived our last encounter?

Mike: No, but I'm sure you're going to tell us anyway.

Agent Sandler: You see, Mistah Nelson. When an Agent is destroyed he returns to the Source to begin a lesser career. That's basically what happened to Agent John Travolta a while ago. I was the most powerful Agent in history. I never thought I'd be destroyed. But then you two came along and did the impossible. Then, I knew the rules, I knew what I was supposed to do, but I didn't. I couldn't. I was compelled to stay, compelled to disobey. Now because of you two, I'm free of this system and am free to make all the movies I want. More so, even...

(another Agent Sandler appears behind him. Then another and another. Soon Mike and Joel are surrounded by Agent Sandler clones)

Joel: Uh oh.

Mike: We're in trouble.

Agent Sandler: You, Mistah Robinson, I think you shall be in Little Nicky 2. And Mistah Robinson, after your colorful words, I'll use you to complete the Billy Madison trilogy.

(Agent Sandler and a clone approach Mike and Joel, then the Agent Sandlers slam their hands into Mike and Joel's chests. Mike and Joel still stand, but they slowly begin to resemble Agent Sandler)

Mike: No............................no....................

Joel: Fight it.................................LOSAH!..............must fight.......................

(the Agent Sandler resemblances vanish, Mike and Joel knock the hands of the Agent Sandlers out of their chests. Cue the Matrix Reloaded's Burly Brawl music. The Agent Sandlers all approach and start fighting Mike and Joel, but Mike and Joel amazingly block every move and getting a few moves of their own in on them. Off in the distance, Agent Segal approaches and watches the fight scene. An Agent Sandler clone approaches him)

Agent Segal: You! You must return to the Source!

Agent Sandler: NEVAH! Losah!

(Agent Sandler slams his hand into Agent Segal, turning into another Agent Sandler clone)

Agent Sandler: Shall we dance?

Agent Sandler: Lets.

(The Agent Sandler clones both join the fight. One of them picks up a metal pipe and rushes Joel with it. Joel grabs the pipe, kicks the Agent Sandler clone in the groin, and takes the pipe from him. Joel starts twirling the pipe in ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! He hits an Agent Sandler with it, and another, and another, and another, and another. They keep coming back)

Joel: This is getting old!

Mike: Let's get out of here!

(They clear enough space and soon begin flying, leaving the Agent Sandlers watching them zoom away)

Agent Sandler: So what now?

Agent Sandler: Denny's?

Agent Sandler: Now you're talkin'!

(we cut back to home base where we see Morpheus watching football)

Morpheus: Damnit! That was a first down and you know it! Don't you dare give them the ball! That's it! I'm going down there and kicking your ass, ref!

(Morpheus gets up to leave, but runs into Tom and Crow as they enter)

Crow: Hey now! Any word from Joel and Mike?

Morpheus: Not yet.

Tom: Don't you think we should find out were they are? They've been gone for 3 hours.

Morpheus: Normally I'd send Trinity with a team after them but she hasn't left her quarters since they left.

(we cut to Trinity taking a shower)

Trinity: So dirty................THE DIRT WON'T COME OFF!.......Must get clean......................

(we cut back to Morpheus, Crow, and Tom)

Tom: Well, can't you send someone else?

Morpheus: What? These morons? I send my best team after you guys a few days ago and only one comes back.

(Mike and Joel appear in the doorway)

Morpheus: Finally! Is the damn war over?

Joel: No. Not really.

Morpheus: Damnit. What do I pay you people for?

Mike: Cool it. It's more complicated than that. Get Trinity. We've gotta discuss a few things.

(they all meet later sitting around a table)

Morpheus: Well, what's going on.

Mike: Well the Oracle told us...........

Morpheus: Yeah........what?

Mike: Just a sec...........I can't remember.

Trinity: Oh God. Why am I not surprised.

Mike: Hey! If you had to fight about 80 Adam Sandlers, you'd have trouble keeping track of things too.

Trinity: What? Adam Sandler? 80? What are you talking about?

Joel: We'll talk about that later. The Oracle told us that we have to rescue a Keymaker by the name of Lobo from the Great Vorelli. He'll give us a key to the Source.

Morpheus: So where is the Great Vorelli.

Joel: She didn't stick around long enough to tell us.

Trinity: That bitch. I've never trusted her.

Mike: What happened to "she is very wise."

Trinity: I have to tell all newcomers that. It's in the handbook. Truth is, we've had our share of "differences."

Morpheus: Trinity if you'd turn the Bitchiness down a notch, this is the only lead we have at this point...but where do we find this Great Vorelli.

Crow: You know, if I may interrupt for a second, you may want to try a phone book...

(Crow slams a phonebook on the table and he and Tom flip through the pages)

Tom: Ah! Here it is! Vorelli!

Morpheus: In the immortal words of Al Bundy..."Let's rock."

(we cut to Joel, Mike, Morpheus, Trinity, Crow, and Tom entering a building. As they walk inside, they meen a ventriloquist's dummy)

Hugo: Hello. I am Hugo. You must be Joel, Mike, Morpheus, Trinity, Crow, and Tom Servo.

Mike: (with a puzzled look on his face) Yeah.

Hugo: The Great Vorelli has been expecting you.

Mike: He has?

Hugo: Yes, I shall lead you too him.

(Hugo leads them all to a table. Sitting at that table is the Great Vorelli. Standing behind him is Ator and Hercules)

Vorelli: Ah! My guests have arrived. Please sit.

(Mike sits down)

Morpheus: No thanks. We'll stand.

(Mike stands up as fast as he can, knocking his chair over in the process)

Vorelli: OK, suit yourself.

Trinity: How'd you know our names.

Vorelli: Because someone named Crow called and set up an appointment.

(Mike, Joel, Morpheus, Trinity, and Tom all stare at Crow)

Crow: What? You mean I wasn't supposed to do that?

Tom: You ruined the element of surprise, you lunkhead.

Crow: Well, how would we know he wasn't busy.

Joel: It's OK, Crow. We'll take it from here.

Mike: (to Vorelli) We're here for Lobo, the Keymaker.

Vorelli: You may have him...

Mike: We can? Cool. That was easy...

Vorelli: ...For a price.

Mike: Huh?

Vorelli: Give me $10. I have gambling debts.

Mike: Damn. Why does everyone want money from me today? All I have is $1.50.

Morpheus: OK, everyone. Empty your pockets. We need Lobo. I've got a 5.

Trinity: All I have is a quarter to get some gum on the way back.

Joel: Um...........37 cents.

Crow: Don't have pockets.

Tom: I found a penny on the way over here.

Mike: Is that ten bucks?

Trinity: Hell no. It's $7.13.

Mike: (to Vorelli) We've got $7.13. Compromise?

Vorelli: Not enough. Sorry. Our business is done.

(Vorelli gets up and leaves. Ator and Hercules follow)

Mike: Wait. Can't we like give you this as a down payment? And we go back to base and get the rest? Or you could give us his arm or head or something until we have the money.

Vorelli: Good day, gentlemen. Hugo, show them the way out.

(Vorelli, Ator, and Hercules leave)

Trinity: Damnit.

Mike: We had to go buy toilet paper before we came.

Morpheus: Sorry! I was out!

Trinity: We need Lobo.

Tom: Thanks for stating the obvious, Trinity. We really couldn't remember why we are here.

Trinity: That's it.......

(Trinity pulls her gun and points it at Tom)

Tom: Just try it, A-Cup.

Trinity: Don't tempt me.

Hugo: You know, I could get you Lobo.

Mike: Huh? Hold it, Trinity. You can kill Servo later. How can you get us Lobo?

Hugo: I have access to him. But for a price...

Mike: Damn, not another one.

Hugo: It's not money.

Mike: (sighing) Good.

Hugo: You must give me.............................HAM!

Everyone else: Huh?

Hugo: Vorelli never gives me ham. Just because I'm a dummy. Bigot. I just want to try it just once.

Mike: Um, I don't think we have ham. Maybe we can go back to the store...

Tom: I got some ham.

Mike: What? Why?

Tom: I brought it in case I got hungry. It might have been a long drive.

Joel: Hungry? Tom, you're a robot, you don't eat.

Tom: Eh........better safe than sorry.

Mike: OK, Servo, give us the ham.

Tom: It's in my hoverskirt.

(Mike reaches into Tom's hoverskirt and pulls out some ham. Mike then gives it to Hugo who then eats it)

Hugo: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...

Tom: Was it everything you expected?

Hugo: It had it's moments. C'mon. I'll now lead you to Lobo.

(they all walk down to a dungeon. Inside this dungeon sits Lobo)

Hugo: Oh Lobo!

Lobo: Time for go to bed?

Hugo: No, but these nice people want you to go with them. And bring your keys.

Lobo: Lobo like keys. They shiny.

Hugo: Yes Lobo. We know. C'mon... (Hugo leads Lobo to our heroes) Now get out of here before Vorelli...

Vorelli: HUGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hugo: Shit.

(Vorelli runs into the dungeon with Ator and Hercules behind him)

Vorelli: Damnit Hugo. This is the third time this week. Why do you do this?

Hugo: I do it because of all those times you stuck your hand up my ass.

Vorelli: You're a dummy, Hugo!

Hugo: You're no Albert Einstein yourself.

Vorelli: Ugh............................You two (looks at Ator and Hurcules) Get Lobo.

Mike: Joel, get Lobo and the rest out of here.

Joel: C'mon. Let's go.

(Joel, Morpheus, Trinity, Lobo, Crow, and Tom all run away with Ator and Hercules in pursuit)

Mike: Just you and me, Vorelli.

Vorelli: I think not. Do you really think I'd come without backup?

(into the dungeon pops Martin Sheen, Charlie Sheen, Joe Estevez, and Emilio Estevez)

Mike: Shit.

(the Estevez/Sheens charge. Emilio takes a swing at Mike, Mike ducks. Another swing, Mike blocks and punches sending Emilio into the wall. Martin comes up doing some ultra cool kung fu moves, Mike blocks and dodges each. He then kicks Martin's legs from under him and elbows him in the face knocking him out cold. Charlie punches Mike in the stomach and tries to swing at his face, but Mike being the ultra cool Action Hero that he is, dodges another one and smacks Charlie on the back of the head. That leaves Joe standing in front of him. They each stand still. Waiting for the other one to make his move. Mike gets impatient and throws a punch. Joe dodges. Mike punches again and again. Joe dodges each one. Finally Joe punches and before Mike can react, he's on the floor. Joe stands above him, preparing to make his final move. Just then, Mike notices Hugo is standing right in front of him. Mike grabs Hugo's leg)

Hugo: Huh? The hell?

(Mike swings Hugo by the leg and Hugo slams into Joe's face knocking Joe out cold)

Mike: Too easy.

Hugo: I helped you get Lobo, you son of a bitch!

Mike: OK, Vorelli, your turn. Vorelli?

(Mike looks around. Vorelli is nowhere to be found. Mike then runs in the direction the rest went

Meanwhile Trinity's trying to hotwire a car)

Tom: Um, could you hurry? Those beefcakes aren't far behind us!

Trinity: I'd like to see you do it faster.

Joel: Um...................you know.

(Joel lowers the sun flap on the top of the car and down fall the keys)

Trinity: Where'd you learn that?

Joel: Terminator 2.

(They all get into the car)

Crow: Um, It's kinda cramped with six people in here.

Trinity: We could always leave your worthless ass behind.

(they drive off)

Tom: You know, you could slow down, maybe...

Trinity: Yeah, and let the Super Steroid Brothers catch up? Fat chance.

Tom: How could they possibly catch up? We're driving a car!

Trinity: Look out the back, bubbletop.

(Tom turns around and sees Hercules driving a car behind them with Ator in passenger's seat)

Tom: Since when does Hercules have a driver's license?

Lobo: Lobo need potty break.

Morpheus: (while loading a gun) You should have thought of that before we left.

(Morpheus climbs out of the car's window and starts shooting the car behind them. Just then a car drives next to the other car. Three Agents are inside. One of them is Agent Diesel, the other two, Agent Mary Kate Olsen and Agent Ashley Olsen)

Agent Olsen: We have them now.

Agent Olsen: One of the Anomalies is absent.

Agent Diesel: Good. Pull to the side.

(they pull their car to the side of the car containing our heroes. Agent Diesel climbs out the window and jumps from his car to the next, landing right on top of the hood)

Trinity: Shit! Hold on!

(Trinity slams on the breaks, the car screeches to a halt and the car behind them crashes straight into them, sending Agent Diesel flying in the air. Agent Olsen and Agent Olsen drive off. Our heroes all get out of their trashed car, alive of course, but then so do Ator and Hercules. And Agent Diesel behind them, getting up)

Joel: Crow, Servo. Take Lobo and get out of here.

Crow: That's the smartest thing I've heard all day.

Tom: Don't have to tell me twice.

(Crow grabs Lobo by the arm and all three run. But Joel, Morpheus, and Trinity are being surrounded by Ator, Hercules, and Agent Diesel.

Morpheus approaches Ator. Ator pulls his two swords and starts swinging them wildly. Morpheus dodges each swing, grabs Ator's wrist and knocks one of his swords out of his hand. Morpheus picks it up and they start dueling.

Trinity takes on Hercules. Hercules take slow hard punches that Trinity keeps avoiding and Trinity uses fast kung fu that has little effect on him.

That leaves Joel with Agent Diesel. They fight fast and furiously, no pun intended.................OK maybe a little. Neither Joel or Agent Diesel notice Agent Sandler sneaking up behind them. Agent Sandler slams his hand into Agent Diesel's back, turning him into another Agent Sandler)

Agent Sandler: Mistah Robinson. We meet again. I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping Mistah Nelson would be here with you.

(Everyone stops fighting and stares at Agent Sandler)

Joel: Sandler. What are you doing here?

Agent Sandler: Do you even have to ask anymore?

(the two Agent Sandlers approach Ator and Hercules and slam their hands into their chests, turning them into Agent Sandler clones)

Trinity: Holy shit.

Agent Sandler: Four against three. You think you can keep us off without the help of Mistah Nelson?

Joel: Let's find out.

(Joel, Morpheus, and Trinity all get into fighting positions when something zooms by. It's Mike! And he's flying! He grabs Trinity and Joel by the back of their leather jackets and flies off)

Trinity: ...the hell? You left Morpheus behind!

Mike: I only got two hands!

Joel: You do realize that I can fly too, right?

Mike: Oh yeah, that's right.

(Mike let's go of Joel and Joel heads back for Morpheus)

Morpheus: ...the hell? You left me behind, you bastards!

Agent Sandler: Oh well. If we can't have them, we'll have you.

(an Agent Sandler approaches Morpheus just as Joel drops down from the sky, grabs Morpheus and flies off)

Morpheus: About damn time. Now we gotta find those robots...

(Meanwhile Crow, Tom, and Lobo are running for their lives)

Tom: Do we really have to run this fast?

Crow: What are you whining about? You don't even have legs!

Tom: I know but we got my hover skirt on full throttle.

Crow: Fine. We'll stop for a while.

(They all stop for a second)

Lobo: I don't have to go potty no more.

Crow: OK............................thanks for sharing.

Tom: So where do we go anyway?

Crow: Aren't we supposed to head toward that Source thing?

Tom: I think so...

Lobo: Lobo gots keys...

Crow: We know.

Lobo: Keys shiny. Like Source.

Tom: Huh? You know where this Source place is.

Lobo: Source very shiny place. It in this building here.

Tom: Hey, that was fast.

Crow: Now all we gotta do is get Mike and Joel in there.

(Just then Agent Olsen and Agent Olsen appear around the corner)

Tom: Aw Hell.

(Then in a miracle that could only happen in the magic of cinema and fanfiction, Mike and Joel land with Trinity and Morpheus in their arms)

Mike: Shit. Not more of them.

Crow: Wait! This big dude just said that the Source is in this building here.

Morpheus: (Busting down the door) Let's go.

Crow: I'll see you guys later. I've got better things to do than die today.

Tom: I can't top that, but I'm leaving too.

(our remaining heroes all run inside)

Joel: Which floor, Lobo?

Lobo: Lemme see.............one..............two.............two...

Trinity: Damnit, try the top floor. It's always the top floor!

Lobo: ....................................two.....................

Mike: Sounds good to me.

(Mike grabs Lobo and starts flying in the room. He bursts through the floor of each floor until he reaches the top floor. Joel holding on to Trinity and Morpheus follows)

Mike: Which door?

Trinity: There's only one.

(Mike looks around the room and only sees on door and an elevator door)

Mike: Well, it could be an elevator door...

(Just then the elevator door opens and Agent Olsen and Agent Olsen walk out of it)

Trinity: Then how could they get up here?

Joel: Damn, they're fast.

Morpheus: Lobo, you better hurry up with those keys!

(Lobo pulls out a ring with at least 70 keys on it)

Lobo: One of these do it maybe....

Mike: Damnit. We're gonna have to fight.

(Mike and Joel start fighting Agent Olsen and Agent Olsen while Lobo slowly looks for the right key)

Trinity: Mike! Joel! The window!

(Mike and Joel look to the side and see a big ass window)

Joel: That works.

(Joel does a spin kick sending Agent Olsen backwards through the window)

Mike: Simple enough.

(Mike does a similar spin kick sending Agent Olsen backwards right into Lobo and they both fly out the window)

Morpheus: Shit!

Mike: Oops.

Trinity: Good one, Nelson.

Mike: How was I supposed to know she was going to do that? As a matter a fact, I seem to remember the whole window thing being your idea!

Trinity: Yeah, but not watching where I was kicking and sending our the one man who could get us into that room falling to his death was not part of it!

Joel: Shut up! Everyone! We got to figure out a way into this room!

(Joel slams his fist into the door and the door opens)

Morpheus: Well I'll be damned. It wasn't locked.

(suddenly the room on the other side of the door shines a bright white light)

Voice from the room: Only the Two may enter...

Morpheus: That's you two, get moving.

Mike: Hell no. I ain't going in there. I have sensitive eyes.

Joel: C'mon...

(Joel grabs Mike by the arm and they both enter a room and the door slams behind them. Sitting in front of them is an old man with white hair and a beard to match, the Architect)

Architect: Greetings. I am the Architect. I also double as Santa Claus in the winter. I imagine that you have a lot of questions.

Mike: You're damn right we have questions!

Architect: Well then, shoot.

Mike: Who's going to win the Super Bowl this year?

Architect: Packers, of course.

Mike: Allright! Packers! Wooooooooooooooooo!

Joel: But the Packers aren't playing this year...

Architect: Silence! I know all and see all! You dare challenge my vision?

Joel: Sorry...

Architect: If that is all, you may leave...

Mike: OK, let's go.

Joel: Wait, Mike. Architect, we were told that as soon as we reached the Source the war would be over. How will this happen?

Architect: That is not entirely accurate. The war ends after you leave the Source. Very soon afterward. You see Joel, the Mystery Science Theater experiments started this war, but it is a war that you are not destined to win.

Joel: What?

Architect: Movies were created for the purpose of entertainment. But when they were created a major problem erupted.

Mike: Hollywood?

Joel: Opinion....................the problem is opinion.

Architect: Exactly! You see there is no such thing as a bad movie. Bad movies only exist in opinion. You people started this foolish war. No matter how hard you fight, as long as there are movies, there will be bad movies. The war is absolutely pointless. But now you have a problem that lies beyond this war...

Joel: Sandler.............

Architect: Exactly right. You see, this war created his threat and now you are the only ones who can end it. Before long, Sandler will control all of Hollywood, and soon the world. But now I hate to stop our conversation short but I'm afraid we all have 15 seconds to live.

Mike: Huh?

Architect: You see Agent Sandler anticipated your arrival here and planted bombs all over the building. You have 6 seconds.

Joel: Mike! Grab Trinity and Morpheus and get the hell out of here!

(ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION! Mike and Joel start flying. They burst through the door. Mike grabs Trinity and Morpheus as they zoom through the broken window. Soon the building explodes, and the shockwave ripples right through our heroes. Everything goes black)

Voice: Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike? Wake up meatball!

Other voice: Maybe we should slap him or something?

(an image blurs in. It's Tom and Crow)

Crow: Well, I hope you had a nice nap.

Mike: (getting up) What? Where am I?

Tom: You're on the ground. We saw you guys fall.

(Trinity and Morpheus walk over to them)

Mike: Hey...how come you guys aren't out cold?

Trinity: We landed on top of you. You're pretty soft.

Mike: Oh, thanks. I try to keep my skin nice.

Morpheus: Well? Is the war over?

Mike: I got a lot to tell you guys...

Trinity: Where's Joel?

Mike: Huh? Joel? I don't know...

(we pan away from them. About a few miles away we see Joel lying down, out cold. Cue "Calm Like a Bomb" by Rage Against the Machine)

Hugo		David Charlesworth
Architect		Frank Conniff
Crow T. Robot		Bill Corbett
Morpheus		Bill Corbett
Agent Diesel		Vin Diesel
Emilio Estevez		Himself
Joe Estevez		Himself
Great Vorelli		Bryant Halliday
Joel Robinson		Joel Hodgson
Lobo		Tor Johnson
Trinity		Bridget Jones
Tom Servo		Kevin Murphy
Mike Nelson		Michael J. Nelson
Ator		Miles O'Keefe
Agent Olsen		Ashley Olsen
Hercules		Reg Park
Oracle		Mary Jo Pehl
Agent Sandler		Adam Sandler
Agent Segal		Steven Segal
Charlie Sheen		Himself
Martin Sheen		Himself

Oracle: (voice over) Everything that has a beginning has an end.

(Joel's eyes slowly open)

Oracle: (voice over) I see the end coming.

(Flash Trinity's face)

Oracle: (voice over) I see the darkness spreading.

(Flash Morpheus' face)

Oracle: (voice over) I see death.

(Flash Mike walking in the rain surrounded by Agent Sandlers. Flash Agent Sandler's face)

Agent Sandler: Mistah Nelson, welcome back. We missed you.

(Flash Mike's Face)

Mike: It ends tonight.

Oracle: (voice over) And you are all that stands in his way.

(we see Mike and Agent Sandler running towards each other in ULTRA JOHN WOO SLOW MOTION!)

Oracle: If you cannot stop him tonight then I fear that tomorrow may never come.

(Mike and Agent Sandler collide. BIGASS EXPLOSION! A bunch of flashes of ultra cool fight scenes)