"No Sex" [Chris Rock]
(The image of Chris Rock shimmers onto an oval-shaped viewscreen.)
"Ladies and gentlemen: welcome to the Slidecage."
"I have one piece of advice for you."
"No matter what a Kromagg tells you, there is NO SLIDING from the CONTROL ROOM."
"Oh, there's CONTROL..."
"But you don't WANT control."
"YOU WANNA SLIDE."
"And there's NO SLIDING from the CONTROL ROOM."
(music starts to kick in)
"DON'T go to parties where you have to sign organ donation forms on the way in."
"Oh SURE, you feel safe INside."
"But what about those lottery cops with the trucks and guns on your way out?"
"Colin, take off that FUNNY-ASS HAT."
"If Autumn says she's sixteen... and looks like Katie Holmes... she's DAMN WELL FORTY."
"If she took off all that makeup, she could play Colleen."
"Rickman couldn't POSSIBLY have put all those people into comas."
"LOGAN did SOME o' that shit."
"If you go to a fast-food restaurant and bump into an old lady, let it SLIDE."
"Why spend twenty-nine years on Lawyer World 'cause someone smudged your puma?"
"Ain't nuttin' wrong wi' that."
"No matter what you think of what I'm saying, remember this one thing."
"There is NO SLIDING... from the CONTROL ROOM."
"Ooooh... no sliding from the control room... no sliding from the control room... Absolutely, positively, no sliding from the control room..."
"Just a minute, I gotta go check on my ho's. Uh... my, uh, my garden hose. Damn hookers're always tryin' to have sex with it. Here, Eric Idle from Monty Python'll take care o' this 'til I get back."
(Eric Idle moves into Chris Rock's seat)
"I get it... there is NO sliding, except from the control room."
"I'm not to go anywhere until you slide from the control room."
"I'm supposed to slide out of the control room until you get back."
"Sliding from the control room, Quinn ordered the pancakes and was coming long for a sexual experience in the bathtub."
"And the pancake was a mutant rock named Ort. And it slid from the control room. And it was good."
(cut to a Terry Gilliam animation of a Manta ship being squashed by a foot)
(Chris Rock returns)
"If a homeless person is smoking a joint and listing his life savings down to the dollar..."
"Either he hasn't been homeless that long..."
"Or the ep's bein' written by Exec again."
"If a colonel carries around a crate of brain tissue, he'll probably SUCK YOUR BRAIN."
"If a vampire carries around a case of brain tissue, he'll give it to the colonel in exchange for blood, then be staked by Cheech and Chong, or something."
"That whole ep was CRAP."
"Here's a horoscope, for everyone."
"Capricorn: You're gonna get cancelled."
"Aquarius: A magically lit underground cave that it may or may not be possible to slide from."
"Gemini: You're gonna get cancelled TWICE."
"George and Leo: You're gonna get cancelled."
"Sliders: You're gonna set the world record for cancellation, with THREE FREAKIN' TIMES."
"NO-ONE, watches Breeder for the plot."
"If you've been sliding with a girl for three months..."
"And she hasn't changed her hair colour..."
"She's NOT Maggie."
"Some of the things I've said may not apply to you."
"Some of the things I've said may offend you."
"But no matter who you are..."
"You MUST remember this one thing."
"No matter what a Kromagg says, there IS sliding from the Control Room."