"Slides and Slidesability"



by FearlessJesse

Intergalactic House of Flying Flapjacks. It was an alien themed pancake house complete with theme dishes and its own cheesy polyester, Star Trek rip-off uniforms. Mint green uniforms that made you look three shades paler. Uniforms that itched like crazy. Uniforms with seemed to come up too short. Uniforms that had its own Lieutenant Uhura head gear that didn't really do anything except make her feel off balance. Oh how she hated them.

"One Star Command with extra Picard pickles, one D'Argo Dawg, two federation fries," Wade said as she slid the two orders onto the table—one hamburger with pickles almost spilling out and one hot dog. "Can I interest you in two chocolate Mulder Malts or two Agent Scully Sundaes?" The burly men on the left shook their heads and Wade moved on to the next booth.

Quinn was sitting there. Correction—he was sitting there with Maggie, with Maggie's legs across his lap. God, she hated Maggie. Maggie and her ever-changing hair. Honestly, it seemed that Maggie changed her hair color more often than her underwear. Assuming Maggie bothered to wear underwear. The thought tickled her. "Welcome to IHOFF, can I interest you in one of our out of this world appetizers? The Moya Mozzarella Sticks are excellent," she said, trying to sound perky.

"Nice outfit." Maggie said.

Bitch. She thought. "Thank you," answered Wade, trying to sound as tough as she possibly could. "So the cheese sticks?"

"We'll pass." Quinn answered looked directly at her with his intense, baby blue eyes. Oh those eyes. She could get lost in them. "We've got something to tell you too."

Great, she thought. Quinn was proudly going to say that he and Maggie were a couple now. "So what'll you have?" she asked, completely forgetting what Quinn had told her.

"Give us a minute," answered Maggie, shooting Wade a smile.

"Sure." Wade answered, trying not to let her true feelings out. She turned and headed towards the counter.

"Hey, Wade, did you catch Dawson's last night? I think that he's finally maybe going to possibly pick between Jen, Joey, Eve, and the one other chick next week." Wade didn't need to turn around to know that it was Marie. Marie was sixteen and when she wasn't watching Dawson's Creek, she was telling Wade about it. It would be talking, but that would mean Wade could actually get in a word or two edge wise.

"Really?" Wade asked, doing her best to fake an even remote interest.

"Yeah really. And I really hope that he picks Joey because she loved him first, but then Joey loved Jack for awhile. If he does pick Joey, then Jen will be free for Pacey, but the problem is Pace loves..." Marie's words just began to trial off. What kind of name was Pacey anyway? And she hoped Joey was a girl.

"No, I don't wanna wait! I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over! I wanna know right NOW! What will it be!" The loud, angry voice had ripped Wade from her train of thought. It was the two customers from earlier and they looked pissed.

"I'm going to get the manager," whispered Wade as she turned towards the door marked 'Employees Only.'

"He's got a gun!" screeched Marie. Wade turned around just in time to hear a gun click. The first man jumped on top of the other and the two began to wrestle.

"You'll never know if you're dead!" the other man yelled.

Suddenly, an ear-shattering explosion filled the room and Wade found herself down on the floor. She looked down and saw a dark red patch starting to form on her IHOFF uniform. She was bleeding. She had been shot. Just great. She knew this uniform was going to be coming out of her pay.

"Quinn?" Wade asked confused. Already, her vision was blurring. "I won't go...I won't sleep...and I..."

"Shhh." Quinn said putting his finger to her lips.

Suddenly, Wade heard a sound a fabric ripping. She glanced down and noticed that Quinn had torn her dress open. Lord, why wasn't she dead yet! Right now, her polka dotted bra and panties were out there for the world to see. Did Quinn finally decide to take an interest in her now? "Qu...inn?"

"Hold on." He answered sliding his right hand over the bullet hole on her stomach.

Was this Quinn's idea of foreplay? Suddenly, she felt warm. All of a sudden, she fell out of consciousness and was bombarded by images of Quinn. Four-year old Quinn and his dog playing catch. Ten-year old Quinn winning the science fair. Teenage Quinn in the eraser room with Laura McDugle. Quinn inventing sliding. Quinn and Maggie running from a dinosaur. Quinn saving Maggie from the breeder creature. Then, an image of her getting shot.

Flash. Wade looked down at her stomach. The bullet hole was gone. Quinn grabbed a syrup container from the counter. Smash. It cracked open and he poured it all on her stomach.

"You want to do body shots?" Maggie asked.

"Later," Quinn answered. "Wade, tell them you slipped and spilled syrup all over yourself."

"But this is blueberry," Wade said.

"Oh right," Quinn said. He grabbed the next one off the counter and smashed it and poured the contents on her. "There."

"I don't know, Quinn," Maggie said. "Raspberry doesn't look like her color. I think she needs more red." She started playing with strands of her hair. "Like this." She said showing him the strands.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I think we need some a little lighter. Like this one." He said pointing to one of her bangs. "Or maybe we should get some corn syrup and add some food coloring. Wade, where do they keep the food coloring here?"

Before she could respond, a tall, skinny man came up. "Is she okay?" the man asked.

"Yes, she just spilled syrup on herself," Quinn answered.

"Which looks nothing like blood!" Maggie shouted.

"Okay, well as long as she's not hurt. I guess there's no need to look for a bullet then." He turned around. "False alarm, Sheriff Witter. You can go now."

"Well all righty then."

The tall man turned back towards the three sliders. "Wade?"

"Yeah?"

"That syrup is coming out of your pay. Now, go in back and get that uniform cleaned off. Or at least, close it. Everyone can see that awful tattoo of a gold left handprint on your stomach."

Just then, the door swung open letting the harsh light of day flood into the dimly lit room. In the doorway stood Wade and Rembrandt. Wade had safety pins holding her uniform together and several large syrup stains on it too. Her hair was runny with sweat and one of her heels had broken off so she was off center. Rembrandt just look pissed.

Gasping for breath, she spoke. "Fourteen...fourteen miles and not a single cab would pick the two of us up."

"Q-ball, I really think that on this world-"

Wade interrupted Rembrandt. She collapsed on a couch with some questionable stains, then summoned up the last of her strength to speak. "Tell...me...how you healed me..."

"Okay, it all started right on Christmas Nazi Clown Earth. I decided that I should try and fix the timer because it had shorted out just after I saved the entire world from the Olsen Triplets from making another movie."

"Thank God." Maggie added.

"Hey!" The Japanese businessman protested. "It's the Olsen Quintuplets."

Maggie quickly grabbed on Quinn's shirt. "We really have slid into hell!"

Pipper let out an annoyed sigh and turned back to Quinn. "So back to your story?"

Quinn smiled and put his hand on top of hers. "Okay, I had just entered the library."

Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Can I help you?" a woman asked politely. She spoke with a British accent. It reminded him of someone, but he just couldn't place his finger on it. Oh well, they must not have been someone THAT important.

Quinn smiled. "I'm looking for some books on physics. Quantum theory. Wormholes. M theory. Parallel dimension theory. "

"Quinn Mallory?" she asked.

"The one and only." He said putting his hands on his hips in a superhero position.

"I'm Samantha Spellmen, the librarian."

"Ah hence the working in the library part." The two of them giggled. Quinn studied her tall, slender form. She had a natural elegance to her, particularly dressed in English tweeds and wools, a dress shirt, tie, and pleated skirt. In fact, she looked more like a Catholic school girl than a librarian.

Quinn flashed his smile again. "So are you interested in dinn-".

"I know just what you're after." She turned and led him to the checkout desk near her office. Samantha slid on top of her desk and reached over it. Quinn could almost see up her skirt. He tilted his head back for a better view.

"So what am I looking for?" Quinn coyly asked.

Samantha slid off the desk and handed Quinn a thick leather bound book. She blew some dust off the cover and handed it to Quinn. On its worn green cover, it had one word engraved in gold.

SLIDER

"Umm...cool."

Samantha grabbed the book from him and read aloud. "Into every world, a Slider is born. One born with the strength, skill, and witty aphorisms to kill the Kromaggs and stop the spread of their evil assimilation of parallel earths."

Quinn stared at her dumbfounded. "...and you think that's me?"

"Oh I don't think, I know."

"How do you know?"

"I know because I'm a hook...Looker."

"Yes, you are." Quinn said flirtatiously.

Samantha blushed. "Not that kind of bloody looker. A Looker is some one who-"

"Looks?"

"Don't be daft. A Looker. She, she prepares the Slider to kill Kromaggs. Don't fight it Quinn. It's your destiny. If you've slid before, then you must kill the Kromaggs."

"What about my friends?" he asked.

She replied coldly, "They're not chosen."

"How do you know? They've slid before too."

"I'm a Looker. Trust me, I know."

"Of course."

"Yup."

"Cool," Pipper said. "Let me get you a free beer."

"So is that how you got your powers to heal me?" asked Wade.

Quinn shook his head playfully. "No, that's how I got her phone number."

Its I. Remembur me, Wade Wels again. Sumethang reel freaky happened 2 me. I wuz shoot and I might heve dyed 4 a sekund. Then, Quinn bought me back. Nother reason I luv him I guess. I been makin good money hear 2. Plus, this gurl Intensity told me ho she gunna follow tis dude Ben to collage. Anything 4 luv I wayz sez. G2G. C ya l8er.

XOXO,

Wade

"Yeah." Maggie answered not even bothering to deny anything. "It's really boring though. I mean, come on, where's the sex?"

Wade snatched the book back from Maggie. "So Quinn," she snatched the book back from Maggie. "Where did your powers come from?"

"Well back when I was a kid playing in the corn fields..."

"Wait! There are corn fields in San Francisco?" Wade asked.

Quinn shot her a look. "Yeah...."

"You know Q-Ball, I've noticed something." Rembrandt said.

"Not now."

"No this is really important, I just started to noticed that I'm the only bla-"

"Ma! I wanna play with the meteoroid rocks!"

"Oh no sweetie, you can't"

"BUT I WANNA!" Eight year old Quinn whined, stomping his feet.

"Well, you just can't, baby cakes."

"Why not!"

"Well Sweetie, you weren't exactly born here on this earth."

"Huh?"

"Oh Quinn." His mother said doing her best to control her voice from breaking up. "Your parents were sliders. They took you to us from a parallel universe to be raised as our own son because on your earth Nazi Kromaggs were taking it over. So we promised not to let you play with any meteoroid rocks till you learned to slide."

Quinn stared at her dumbfounded.

"Oh Quinn..." Her voice almost singing. "There's a telescope in the attic. I think that there's a meteoroid shower you can watch."

"Or Luna Lung is taking a shower now." the Mallorys' talking cat Shrodinger said.

"Sweet! Uhh...Mom. If you hear the vacuum, don't bother me. I'm just cleaning."

"Okay, Sweetie have fun now."

"Did you find a magic book up there that said you were really a witch and used it to unlocked the power to heal there?" Pipper asked.

"No."

"Did you learn that you had a brother, whom you were separated from at birth, who you would later run into during a slide or at the mall- Wait! That's too far fetched." Maggie said to herself. "Can I get another pickle?"

"No." Quinn answered.

"Did find out that if you're a minister in a small town like Glindill, you can have more kids than the Bradys did and still live on just one income?" the Japanese man asked.

"No." Quinn pulled back his hair with his hands. "Remember that earth where I scored with that one blonde chick who later died?"

The entire group exchanged confused glances. "Can you be more specific?" asked Wade.

"I had a really cool spandex costume."

"Oh..." Maggie, Pipper, Wade, the Japanese businessman, and Rembrandt went in unison.

"Well, I still had some powers left over from that world with the red sun. I'd just been saving it."

"Well, that makes perfect sense." Wade said.

"Yup, now let's all get some rest before tomorrow."

"Tan?"

"Yeah, how long till the slide?"

"I wanna rock and roll all night!" Shouted Maggie jumping up and down on the trampoline. "And something something else."

"Sixteen hours, thirty-eight minutes, and forty-five seconds."

"So why are we outside already?"

"Because, we can't slide until I've fully stretched." Maggie said waving her arms like she had invisible pom-poms. "U-G-L...L...Quinn how do you spell-"

Maggie was interrupted by a loud noise. "There he is! There's the alien!"

Suddenly, a hoard of cameras and reporters came charging at the sliders. "It's okay." Quinn said. "There's plenty of me for all of you."

"Not you." Chlois Sullivan said. "The alien." she pointed to Rembrandt. "He's going on my bulletin board of the weird."

"Wha-" Rembrandt asked. "Alien my-"

"Look, I think he's trying to communicate with us." She took her finger and pointed to herself. "Me friend." She threw her arms out as if getting ready for a hug. "You come in peace?" She made a peace sign with her fingers. Several flash bulbs went off.

"Mother-"

"Okay, it's time to slide." Quinn announced.

"But it's not time yet." Wade said.

"Wade! Is that peach in your skin?"

"Oh God no!" She grabbed the timer from Quinn's hands and pressed the play button and the vortex shot out in front of them. Wade grabbed Rembrandt by the collar and Quinn by the wrist and darted in.

"Hey!" Splat! Maggie fell on the ground, but bounced right back up.

"It's a miracle." The photographer said. "You could have broken your face."

"I know. Oh thank goodness for these. Worth every penny." She said hugging her chest. The vortex began to close. "Gotta go!" She yelled jumping in just as it closed.

"So the alien abducted them all and is taking them back to his home planet to be anally probed." Chlois smiled. "My twenty-four year old editor Lexx Lutheran is going to love this story! Maybe even more than he likes hanging out with fourteen year old high school freshman boys who look like they're in college..."

Notes

• First, let me beg for forgiveness from the fans of all the shows I spoofed for this fan fic.
  
  
• Second, this is the first fan fic that I've ever attempted to write, so that's one of the reasons why it might suck.
  
  
• Third, thank you so much, Recall317. You really helped put this story together.