[ Stayin' Alive music starts as Executive struts down the street to the local library. It is sunny outside. The next shot, the library doors explode inward as Executive walks in, lit from behind like the god he thinks he is.

NEXT SHOT: A 13 year old boy with freckles and a ball cap using one of the library computers has pages of research on the computer. He turns to see what the commotion is. Suddenly a hand covers his face and pushes him off the chair into the book shelf, causing the shelf to fall on the boy. Executive jumps on the seat declaring that he has an important task to accomplish which takes precedence over everything else in the library. He exits the kid's research without saving, thereby losing all the data, and brings up the Sliders board to respond insultingly to one of TF's posts. ]

Well, you can tell by the way I post my schlock,
I'm more than a man: I'm a god!
Logic: none, and brain cells: zip.
I'll kick you around cuz I'm full of S**T.

[Alternate lyrics:

Mouth too big and brain cells dead
You'd swear I had mashed potatos in my head]

And now it's all right - it's O.K. -
By default YOU'RE wrong anyway.
I could try to understand, but I'm too dumb to do that, man.

I'll say I'm your brother, but I'm really a motherf**ker,
I'm stayin' online, stayin' online.
An ass of myself I'm makin' and ev'ryone else's mistaken
I'm stayin' online, stayin' online.
Ah ha ha ha, Stayin' online.

Well now, I am low and I like to lie
And if I can't win, then I claim I never tried.
You'd swear I was drunk on booze, but
I'm deranged man, I can't admit when I lose.

You know it's all right, it's O.K.
by default I'm right anyway.
I could try to understand what people say but I can't follow that plan.

Whether you're my brother or whether you're my mother,
I'm stayin' online, stayin' online.
My sophistry's breakin' and everyone know's I'm mistaken'
but I'm stayin' online, stayin' online.
Ah ha ha ha, Stayin' online.

[ Executive types frantically as he loses the argument. He throws in insults, lies and tries to deflect the issue, but to no avail. Police enter the library and approach Executive with guns drawn ]

Arguments' goin' nowhere. Somebody help me.
Somebody help, me, yeah.
My life's goin' nowhere. Somebody help, me,
Guess I'll invent another handle, yeah

[ The police grab Executive and start hauling him away from the computer while medics tend to the unconscious kid under the shelves. Executive thrashes around violently, screaming about his rights. ]

I'm goin' nowhere. Somebody help me.
I'll call myself Daniel_2, yeah.

[Original line read: "I'll call myself TANAGRA, yeah" - referring to a suspicious "rotating supporter" who posted solely to defend Executive on MCA, then vanished again. It was likely Exec in disguise, but since I have the proof that Exec was Daniel_2 posted on the Dominion, it seemed more felicitous to change the lyric.]

I'm goin' nowhere. You can't do this to me!
I'll call my imaginary Russian lawyer friend!

[Executive refuses to calm down, so the police pepper spray him]

Cuz I'm Stayin' ONLIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNE!!!

[Executive is dragged out of the library kicking and screaming]


[MUSIC FADES OUT]

EXEC: Well, when I was writing the song I thought, "What should I write about?" It had to be something important to society, something more important than anything else in the world. Then it struck me: I am the most important person in the universe. After all, without me, what would the world have to revolve around?

INTERVIEWER: Interesting. And is that why you are in this mental institute now?

EXEC: No. That was someone else's fault as is everything else that goes wrong in my life. As you know, I can't make mistakes. People once accused me of being wrong about the location of Tunguska, but it was really the fault of my Russian friend.

[Refers to events on Fox board where Exec got the location of Tunguska wrong, but would not admit it]

INTERVIEWER: Ah yes, your Russian friend. What's his name, by the way?

EXEC: His name is "Russian Friend", duh. Wanna meet him?

INTERVIEWER: (nervously) Sure.

EXEC: (Holds up his clenched fist and moves the thumb as a mouth while doing a bad ventriloquist act) Hello. I'm Russian Friend; Executive's Russian friend. It is entirely my fault that Executive was wrong about Tunguska.

[ EXECUTIVE smashes his hand against the rubber floor ]

Sorry, I mean, I was wrong. Executive was not to blame at all.

INTERVIEWER: OK, OK. I believe you. So, that scene with the pepper spray looked pretty real. How did you make that look so lifelike?

EXEC: It WAS real. Apparently, the folks at the library didn't appreciate my genius, or the fact that I started filming in the library without their permission - who knows - and they called the cops. Come to that, the crew filming the video were in on it as well. Those crazy jokers. They said they did it because I am an overbearing, pompous loudmouth with serious mental problems. Boy, they really know how to pull a practical joke. I've been in here for six months now. Good one guys!

[ Exec waves at the camera ]

INTERVIEWER: Sure. Well, thanks for the interview.

EXEC: Wait, you can't go! I have to tell you about my entire life! I didn't even get to tell you the exciting story of how my fiction "Crisis" was based on my adventures going to the library. Future generations must know of my genius!

INTERVIEWER: Believe me, we've all heard enough. This interview is over.

EXEC: NOBODY WALKS OUT ON ME! I'M A GOD!!!!

[ EXEC grabs frantically at the interviewer, who pushes him to the floor easily. EXEC starts blubbering like a baby. The interviewer runs away, fearing for his life as interns rush in and give Ex a shot of drugs to knock him out. ]

INTERVIEWER: Jeff, AKA The Executive: Shambles or monster (or more likely, both). You be the judge...

- The_Cynic