61A EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Quinn and Remmy move quickly down the deserted street.

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : If we walk fast enough we can stay ahead of our refried bean gas trail!

REMBRANDT: Land office has claims for three more ranches south of town we haven't checked.

HTWD: These two are looking slower than OJ is for the Real Killer. Colin's going to die of old age before they find him.

QUINN: We'll head out at first light.

SG: Why not just want for the next three day weekend?

TBH: It's cooler at night, I'd be looking then. All you have to do is strap some torches on the horse's head and you have instant headlights.

REMBRANDT: Somebody picked Colin up. That's why we haven't found him yet. No news is good news.

TBH: Duh! We figured this part out two years ago!

Blinker: Literally!

Quinn nods, grateful. Maggie rushes up to them.

HTWD: Quinn, you told me you'd never play poker again after that noodle incident!

MAGGIE (breathless)

SG: It'd probably be easier to just note when she isn't breathless.

MAGGIE: Quinn, tell me you didn't just gun down a man in cold blood in the saloon.

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : Of course not! I was just having a yak burger at The Flaming Ass Café.

QUINN: What?

HTWD: SHE SAID "HERE'S SHAKESPEARE'S BIG BOOK OF FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!! LEARN A COUPLE NEW ONES!"

MAGGIE: That's what I thought. Either you've got a really hot-headed double on this Earth or Kolitar knows you're in town.

SG: Why not have it be his double? Every other outrageous coincidence possible has already happened.

The Sliders approach the livery stable, Maggie holding up her skirt to keep it out of the dirt.

TBH: That's not why she's holding it up.

Rimshot: You woke me up for this?

MAGGIE: Why would he frame you for murder?

HTWD: Because he's such a weak villain he has to resort to lame, overly Machiavellian plots when he could just blow Quinn away.

QUINN: Kolitar and his gang are scaring off the homesteaders.

SG: ZzZzZzzzzz. Huh? Didn't I see this plot in a 1950's John Wayne movie? Even if this isn't a Guardian World, the scriptwriter is in a time warp into the past.

REMBRANDT: And according to the land office, Sheriff Redfield and a 'Mr. K. R. O'Magg' have been snapping up their property.

Mallory: <from behind Blinker> : TEE HEE!! He said Mr. K. R. O'Magg!!

MAGGIE (putting it together)

TBH: Those are the scariest four words in the English language, right ahead of "SL4ever is outta PIE."

MAGGIE: And Bugsy's just waiting in the wings to put up his casinos on it.

HTWD: Yeah, his casinos in the middle of the desert in 1850 tech world. It's a four hour drive from LA to LV these days. What is that on horseback?

QUINN: Bugsy?

SG: The Wolfman passed and Hitler was doing his 100th Outer Limits episode appearance, so it had to be Bugsy.

MAGGIE: Yeah, our friend Ben from the stage. Ben Siegel... the third.

TBH: Yeah, what a coincidence he was on the very stage they hopped onto.

REMBRANDT: Doesn't that tell you something about human nature? This world doesn't have indoor plumbing yet, but they've got the Mob.

HTWD: Actually, that tells us a lot more about the personal human nature of scriptwriter Chris Black and not such much about general human nature. Namely, Chris is an IDIOT.

QUINN: Well, I'm not going to sleep with the fishes because Kolitar's afraid I'm going to mess up his little scheme.

SG: Great, so JOC and CB used up all their lame pseudo Old West Slang so now we've moved on to lame pseudo Mob Slang?

They reach the livery stable and Quinn quietly slides open the door. He suddenly stops short at the sight of something inside the stable, and slowly raises his hands.

TBH: Um, Quinn, horses don't really respond to pantomime.

REDFIELD (O.S.) : You shouldn't ride after dark.

HTWD: He's been hiding in the barn for hours and THAT'S the best line he could come up with?

TBH: At least he avoided the cliché: "GOING SOMEWHERE???"

Quinn backs up and Redfield steps out of the stable, holding his pistol on Quinn. Two scurvy members of Kolitar's band back him up. They now sport deputies stars.

SG: Scurvy members? Chris Black must have intended to publish this script as patronizing literature at some point.

REDFIELD: It's awful easy to make a misstep.

TBH: He sure is proud of his lame entry line. He can't let it go.

QUINN: You know I didn't do it.

HTWD: At the time it happened, I was over at IHOP sucking syrup through a slice of bacon I'd rolled into a straw. Six very repulsed people saw me.

REDFIELD: Well. I wasn't there, but there's about fifty eyewitnesses say you did. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in, and your friends, too, for aiding and abetting.

SG: And I'm arresting your little dog, too.

The two "deputies" hold their guns on Quinn and Remmy.

REDFIELD: I do hate to lose my little songbird.

TBH: What is he talking about? She should be the reason they're being arrested!

MAGGIE: Tweet. Tweet.

HTWD: No, honey, see he was being stupid. You're not really a fluttering birdie.

Maggie smiles sweetly and kicks Redfield in the crotch. Quinn and Remmy wince.

SG: Ye Olde Crotch Kick. Last bitter refuge of incompetent comedy writers the world over.

Chris Black: <from behind Blinker> : Hi everybody! Enjoying my script?

<Blinker turns and kicks Chris Black in the nuts. The writer screams and folds like a cheap suitcase>

SG: Hyuck! And it still works. TEE HEE

REMBRANDT: Aye carrumba.

TBH: Oh yeah! The Simpsons comes on in a couple minutes. Thanks for reminding me, Sliders! <reaches for remote>

As Redfield crumples in pain, she hitches up her skirt and takes off running.

HTWD: You ever notice how in movies and TV shows, there can be six henchmen standing there with guns TRAINED ON YOU and you can do whatever you want with impunity?

The two deputies draw a bead on Maggie.

SG: Weren't they already supposed to have a bead on her? Considering the fact that she was close enough to kick Redfreak?

TBH: <mimicking Deputy Dawg #1> : Sheeeeeet, I thought YOU wuz watching her!

HTWD: <mimicking Deputy Dawg #2> : Oh, I wuz watching her, all right. She's as purty as a mule in heat!

But Quinn and Rembrandt heave themselves into the deputies, sending their SHOTS WILD. Maggie disappears in the darkness.

TBH: <mimicking Deputy Dawg #1> : Oh well, she got away. No sense running after her or anything. Say, I wonder if the IHOP has any bacon left?

REDFIELD (wheezing) We'll find her. Lock 'em up.

HTWD: You could find her now if you wanted to. Why don't you check the three buildings in town?

The two deputies roughly drag Quinn and Remmy away.

SG: <mimicking Deputy Dawg #2> : You're making me miss "Mr. Ed goes to Hawaii!" Take this! And this too!

63 INT. STARR RANCH - NIGHT
Colin lays in bed, his face twisted in pain and bathed in sweat. Amanda changes the dressing on his arm.

TBH: She could clean him a lot faster if she bathes in him water instead.

AMANDA: Now look what you've done to my good sewing.

HTWD: I'm sorry my life threatening injury has inconvenienced you. Here's 50 cents.

COLIN: Sorry. Sorry, I messed up your front yard.

SG: I can usually last until I make it to the outhouse.

AMANDA: Where'd you learn to shoot like that?

TBH: During the LA riots after we killed off the Professor. I helped keep the crowd off the set.

COLIN: I grew up on a farm. Everybody had to know now to use a gun. Shoot deer, raccoons. A rabid dog if need be. But I learned never to aim a gun at another person. It was one of my father's rules.

HTWD: He had lots of rules. No less than two people in the sheep pen at any one time, no spitting in church, no running like a duck, you know how it is.

AMANDA: It was one of my husband's rules, too. After he came back from the war, he was changed.

SG: So before the war he believed in randomly pointing guns at people?

TBH: Yeah, they're acting like a rule prohibiting reckless play with handguns is something special.

AMANDA: Put that big pistol of his in a box and never touched it. So Mr. K shot him in the back.

TBH: So Special K hated people who put their big guns in boxes?

SG: I'll bet he's one of the only husbands who don't touch their big guns.

<Blinker fires. His energy blast passes through SabsGhost>

SG: Ha-Ha! You can't kill me, I'm already dead!

TBH: Just like us. Every minute of this episode kills us a little on the inside. Sniff.

COLIN: I have to get into town. Now that Kolitar -- Mr. K -- knows I'm here, he'll go after my friends. I've got to warn them.

HTWD: HOLD THE PHONE! On what logic does Colin base this assumption? How does Colin know his friends ever went into town? They could have found another ranch and been using that as a base of operations. Or Kolitar might not be going into town himself, he might have a base camp somewhere. Isn't it much more logical to assume Mr. WKRP will come back here with all his friends?

AMANDA: You're not going anywhere. Not tonight.

SG: I don't want you to ruin any more of my sewing.

64 ELLIE
listening on the other side of the curtain.

TBH: There's something twisted about a young nubile girl listening in on her mom tending to a hot sweaty young man late at night.

COLIN (O.S.) : He'll kill them.

HTWD: Judging by how slowly he moved to his weapon, Special K couldn't kill a blind crippled Quaker.

TBH: Yeah, Mr. K is about as scary as Mr. Bill.

AMANDA (O.S) : You've lost too much blood. You won't be any help to them dead.

HTWD: This is boring. Let's talk about her sewing some more.

Ellie stands there for a beat, a look of deep indecision, creasing her young face.

SG: Should I get knocked up and enter a life of servitude to an unwashed backwards farmboy before or after my 12th birthday?

Then she quietly crosses the room and takes the heavy Colt peacemaker out of its box.

TBH: This just goes to show, you can't teach stupid. You're either born with it or not.

Grabbing her coat and hat, she quietly opens the front door and slips out into the night.

HTWD: Don't bother dressing warmly, your corpse will be cold by morning either way.

65 INT. JAIL - MORNING (D2)
Quinn sits on his bunk in the dank cell. Remmy stands at the tiny barred window looking out. A mournful jail house harmonica plays over the scene.

SG: What's painful about this string of clichés is that I'll bet Black and JOC haven't even seen the first movies to popularize them, I'll bet they've only seen ripoffs of ripoffs.

REMBRANDT: Do they have to do that right where we can see it?

TBH: What? Filming Tomcats in the next studio?

QUINN: I think that's the idea.

66 REMMY'S POINT OF VIEW - OUTSIDE THE WINDOW
The deputies are testing a makeshift gallows, dropping sacks of grain from two ropes strung up outside the livery stable.

HTWD: Good thing the Professor's dead by this point. They'd need a whole lot more grain than THAT.

67 RESUME SCENE
REMBRANDT: That's just cold, man.

TBH: <eyeing Chris Black, still twitching and moaning on the floor> : Don't give us any ideas!

Sheriff Redfield walks in and steps up to the cell bars.

TBH: Hey, do you guys wanna hang around town tonight? Hyuck!

REDFIELD: And how we doing this morning, gents?

HTWD: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

QUINN: Fine. How 'bout you? You seem to be limping a bit.

SG: Zing! He got kicked in the nuts, but you two are about to DIE. Boy, you're hurting him!

REDFIELD: Oh, don't worry. Your friend'll be joining you soon enough. Feisty gal, she is.

TBH: <mimicking Redfield> : That's why we just watched her run away last night. I like ‘em feisty and tired.

Remmy indicates the gallows' preparation taking place outside the window.

HTWD: Can I request a padded noose? I have a wicked rash on my neck.

REMBRANDT: Isn't that a bit premature? We haven't even seen the judge.

SG: Oh God, is this another setup? They've just topped Saturday Night Live in the running a "joke" into the ground category.

REDFIELD: Ask and ye shall receive.

HEYMON <from behind Blinker> : One job??????????

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small gavel, which he raps on a nearby table.

TBH: Darn, it doesn't seem to be working. The man I bought this knife from told me it would cut through a table!

REDFIELD: Oh yea, oh yea, oh yea. The circuit court of the state of Nevada is now in session. Do you have anything to say in your defense before I pass sentence?

HTWD: <mimicking Remmy> : Um, yeah, is it too late to turn States Evidence against this murderous scoundrel?

SG: "Oh yea"? Isn't it "Hear Yea"?

QUINN: I didn't do it.

SG: <mimicking Futurama Chicken Lawyer> : I may not be a good lawyer, but I know when we're finger licked.

REDFIELD: So noted. The court now sentences you both to hang by the neck until dead.

TBH: This little Mad TV skit merely raises the question of why Special K bothered to face morph. If Redstool can get away with a Kangaroo Kourt, Special K could have just gunsmoked Quinn and Remmy and cut out the middlemen. Or RedPIE could have arrested them for being ugly.

He turns to go.

REDFIELD: Oh, and make sure you try the grits this morning. Esther Mae knows her way around a skillet. Mmm-mm.

HTWD: There should be a law that Damron and Black should NEVER, under any circumstances, try to be funny. Ever.

He exits. Quinn and Rembrandt exchange a look. The harmonica continues to play. Remmy stalks over to the window.

SG: Ever.

REMBRANDT: Will you knock that off.

TBH: That's the same thing we're saying!

67A REMMY'S POINT OF VIEW - A GUY
sits in the alley outside the window playing the harmonica. He stops playing and shoots Remmy a dirty look as he moves off.

TBH: Ever ever ever.

HTWD: What pisses me off is that I can imagine JOC and CB sitting in an office laughing their lame asses off at this page. These are the people who've given Friends such high ratings for a decade. >:-#

Mychand: <from behind Blinker> : Hey!

68 EXT. STREET - ALLEY - DAY
A back alley off the main drag in town. Two of Sheriff Redfield's deputies walk along peering in doors and windows, apparently searching for Maggie. They pass and we hold on the still scene for a beat.

TBH: <mimicking deputy dawg #1> : Dang it! I wish we'd just chased her down last night when she was right in front of us.

HTWD: <mimicking deputy dawg #2> : Shoot. I'm tired of looking. Let's save the other two buildings for after lunch.

Maggie peeps around the corner. She looks around carefully and then moves to a horse tied up nearby. As she starts to untie the reins...

Ed_the_Horse: <from behind Blinker> : Hey! Police! Don't let this mule ride me!

BEN (O.S.) : You ran out on me last night.

SG: It's pretty bad when MAGGIE stands you up.

Maggie turns to see Ben standing behind her. He is holding a Derringer pistol.

TBH: So what is this, about the 20th time this ep someone has snuck up on someone else? Is everyone deaf?

HTWD: And everyone always has a clever entrance line to reveal themselves with.

BEN: I thought we had a date.

TBH: Noooo, if you'd had a date with her you'd be poor right now.

Off Maggie's dark expression....

HTWD: Oh Bugsy, I was just stealing this horse so I could ride over to your place and keep that date!

69 INT. JAIL - DAY
Remmy sits on his bunk while Quinn paces. Rembrandt sets down a tin plate.

SG: Those were the days. Tin plates and real knives and forks to eat with. Too bad none of that stuff is useful as weapons.

REMBRANDT: The man may be a lowdown lying polecat, but he wasn't lying about those grits. Lord, somebody stop me talking like this.

TBH: You're in the cell with the moron who helped write those lines, do something!

QUINN: You know what? We've got the advantage here.

HTWD: We're dumber than they are! We'll get outta this no sweat!

REMBRANDT: Framed for murder. Iron bars. Necktie party. Am I missing something?

SG: Only what little is left of your dignity as an actor.

QUINN: Think about it. We've seen every western movie ever made, right? We know every trick in the book.

TBH: This is practically a signed confession from the scriptwriters!

REMBRANDT (realizing) : But on this world, movies haven't even been invented yet.

HTWD: Cool! So they don't yet know the horror of "Kangaroo Jack"!

As they exchange a conspiratorial look....
70 EXT. STREET - ALLEY - DAY
Ben steps closer to Maggie.

SG: He sure is dragging this out. I'll bet he's stalling until he can think of a good villain I Got The Drop On You line.

TBH: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a ham!"

HTWD: "Is that a banana in your skirt or are you just happy to be captured by me?"

SG: <looking out monitor> : Can YOU think of a good villain I Got The Drop On You line?

MAGGIE: I hope I didn't ruin your evening.

TBH: With which activity? Applying your makeup with a forklift? Singing like the last place American Idol after he's gargled with battery acid? Releasing "Shiny"?

BEN: I'm just disappointed. We would have made a good team.

HTWD: I'll buy that. Both are dull, annoying, idiotic gender confused llamas. They would be great together!

MAGGIE: At least you'll have the satisfaction of watching me hang.

HTWD: I take it back. Not even Ben would be dumb enough to suggest his own punishment.

BEN: Gee, that'd be overreacting.

TBH: <mimicking Ben> : We don't hang women around here, we prefer the humane method of drowning so the crowd doesn't see their underwear.

Maggie looks at Ben with confusion.

HTWD: There are certain lines that just riff themselves. Such as "Mallory said something totally moronic." Or "Professor Arturo was thrown out of the buffet four hours later." Or the above line.

MAGGIE (carefully) : Are we talking about me and my friends exposing your plan to murder, intimidate and defraud the locals out of their land?

SG: I thought they were putting all their energies into finding Colin?

TBH: Shoot, they've forgotten they HAD a fourth Slider with them!

BEN: I was talking about you standing me up last night.

TBH: <mimicking Ben> : And I'm dragging this out as much as possible because my secret fetish is holding women at gunpoint.

MAGGIE (confused) : You're not going to turn me in to the sheriff?

HTWD: When did he say that? He could do that right after he finishes whining about last night.

BEN: Didn't plan on it.

SG: Speaking of American Idol, he's dragging this out more than their Results Shows. "Now that we've told you one of the ten people who is not getting voted out, let's have another commercial break!"

MAGGIE: Then why are you holding a gun on me?

TBH: Because the script was five minutes too short.

BEN: You're stealing my horse.

Rimshot: You woke me for THIS?

Carrot Top: Woo Hoo!!

Drumroll: I hate you.

Friends Writers: We're not worthy!

Winnie: HEE HEE HEE! You live!!!

HTWD: <mimicking Hee Haw Announcer> : Hyuck! Now let's go see what Annie Mae Bloomer is doing with a horse!

Ben hands Maggie the Derringer.

SG: Derringers don't cost a month's wages or anything. Why not give her your gold watch too?

TBH: To say nothing of the fact that there's Indians and outlaws out in the open road, and that Special K might come after him for ditching out. He might need a weapon.

BEN: Here. You might need this. Things are getting too crazy around here for me.

TBH: <mimicking Chief Whup Ass> : Boy I can't wait to get my hands on THIS unarmed dandy! WOO HOO!!!

He takes the reins and quickly checks his saddle and gear.

HTWD: I hope you have some Indian/Outlaw party pants in there.

MAGGIE: I thought you were in business with Redfield.

SG: Wow. She might actually be slower on the uptake than Mallory! Let's reroll a line from above!

Maggie looks at Ben with confusion.

SG: What's changed in the five minutes since this line?

BEN: I was. He promised he'd have the land available if I brought the capital to start up the casinos. I didn't know he hired a gunslinger to drive off the homesteaders.

TBH: This sounds a lot like "I didn't inhale" to me. What did he think was going to happen? These two ARE perfect for each other.

BEN (shakes his head) My grandfather might have done things that way. I don't.

TBH: So his grandfather did stuff like this and he STILL didn't think it would happen here? Perfect, I say.

He mounts his horse.

HTWD: Get a room you two!

BEN: Maybe I'll try Reno.

SG: Maggie looks at Ben with confusion. "What's Reno?"