50 OMITTEDSG: Oooooh, moist excellent!
51 EXT. STARR RANCH - DAY
Ellie walks to the woodpile. The sky has grown darker and
there is the distant RUMBLE of a far-off thunderstorm. She
quickly gathers an armload of split wood from the pile and
heads back toward the house.
TBH: Because nothing says Old West or Country like firewood! It's the most overused visual IN Western movies!
As she heads for the porch, she drops one of the logs. She
bends to pick it up, but a boot suddenly steps down on the
log.
HTWD: So let me get this straight. Your normal human being has about a 120 degree field of vision, and that's when they look straight ahead only, and she doesn't notice this tall galute who is close enough to her to STEP ON HER PIECE OF DROPPED WOOD???
Ellie looks up to see....
SG: ... a row of pink elephants doing the Hokey Pokey in mourning for that guy who wrote it.
52 KOLITAR
standing over her.
TBH: <mimicking Kolitar> : Good day Miss, check out this invisibility cloak! It is very useful for grand foot on wood entrances!
Two of his gang members are behind him on horseback.
HTWD: So she missed tall assed Kolitar AND two other men on horseback? Helen Keller would have noticed this marching band in her yard!
"Mr. K" tips his hat with exaggerated politeness....
SG: Because nonhuman mass murderers pick up this kind of irony in just two short months of exile.
KOLITAR: Evening, li'l lady.
TBH: <mimicking Kolitar> : Have you seen an orange cave ape wearing a wedding dress? She's mighty shy but I ain't takin' no for an answer!
He grins a pointy-toothed smile and there is another peal of
THUNDER.
HTWD: Good thing that thunder waited until he'd said his piece. Thunderclouds love good drama.
53 INT. STARR RANCH - DAY
Amanda clears the table.
TBH: <mimicking Amanda> : You're cleared of all charges, Table. Sorry to keep you up, you're free to go.
COLIN: It may not be my place, but if I can say something, ma'am. It's
pretty clear the girl misses her father.
SG: Um, what the heck is this? What girl wouldn't miss her father? Maybe Lisa Hitler or Tina Carrottop, but who else? Why on Earth would Colin say something this obvious?
TBH: Pardon me, Ma'am, but it's pretty clear you're wearing a bra. How do you feel about that?
AMANDA: It most certainly is not your place.
HTWD: Maltida, the obligatory nosy neighbor, comes by once a week and tells me other obvious things like you should use dish soap for dishes and body soap for showers. She is quite helpful.
COLIN: I know you're trying to protect her, but don't let her grow up ashamed of her feelings.
TBH: What is this? "Touched By A Slider?" They don't explore the feelings of the main four characters? Who cares about the feelings of a guest star we met five minutes ago???
AMANDA: What do you know about our feelings?
SG: Considering Colin couldn't even tell whether she was a boy or a girl five minutes ago, this is a very good point.
AMANDA: I don't want Ellie toever forget what a good, kind, loving man her father was.
TBH: <mimicking Amanda> : That's why I keep his mummified body in the basement.
She grabs the Colt and slams it onto the table in front of Colin.
HTWD: Would someone who fears and hates guns really be slamming them around the house on every table in reach?
AMANDA: But I will not raise her around men who think that every problem can be solved with one of these.
SG: Who has she been dating in her life? A gun is NOT what men think about all the time.
From outside, we hear....
TBH: ... Kolitar breaking out into a duet with William Hung, which still sounds better than Maggie's singing.
ELLIE (O.S.): Ma!
HTWD: Lassie's here Ma, and she says little Timmy has knocked up a farmgirl!
AMANDA: Your strength seems to be coming back, Mr. Mallory. I'll run you into town in the morning.
SG: Huh?
TBH: Wtf?
SG: Her husband has recently been brutally murdered in her front yard, the people who did it are still at large and they still want her to move off this land, her daughter was only going outside for a block of wood and has been gone three times the time needed to run this errand ... and Amanda is ignoring her daughter's cries in order to be snippy with Colin????
ELLIE (O.S.) : Ma!
TBH: <mimicking Ellie> : Um, Ma, I don't want to interrupt your little snit in there, so take your time coming out here and saving me from this alien hell ape with his fingers wrapped tightly around my eyeballs. No, no, that's okay, check and see if the stew needs stirring first.
AMANDA: What is it?
TBH: <mimicking Ellie> : Oh, nothing, never mind. I'm just being murdered out here.
she heads for the door.
TBH: <mimicking Ellie> : Seriously Ma, don't do me no favors.
54 EXT. STARR RANCH - DAY 54
The door opens and Amanda steps out onto the porch.
AMANDA: Ellie....
HTWD: Oh shoot, she still had time to do a load of laundry! Kolitar hasn't even warmed up his eye puller outer yet!
She gasps when she sees Kolitar standing in the yard, holding a terrified Ellie in front of him. His two gang members sit easily on their horses in the background.
SG: Well, yeah, it's not TOO hard to sit on a stationary horse.
AMANDA: Oh my God.
TBH: Oh my God I wish this ep was PTSS!
KOLITAR: You may recall I had a business transaction going with your husband that was never satisfactorily concluded.
HTWD: Only because you ventilated his skull before it could conclude.
AMANDA: Please. Let my daughter go.
SG: Don't start caring now. You took twenty minutes to get out here!
KOLITAR: Excellent. Now we're negotiating. I have something you want and you have something I want.
TBH: Now remember, people, that line was just spoken by A KROMAGG!! How far away from "Invasion" are we now?
HTWD: <head in paws> : About 26 light years.
AMANDA: Please.
HTWD: Oh yeah, the magic world always works when a thug has your daughter by the throat.
KOLITAR: Hand over the deed to this little patch of dirt and your daughter walks away from this with a minimum of emotional scarring.
SG: "Emotional scarring." Hmmmm, he didn't pick up a cute phrase like that on THIS Western world. Do you really think Klingons - opps! Excuse me! - Kromaggs sit around talking about emotions with each other?
TBH: Can I just ask one more time why these moron bad guys don't just kill those who resist and forge their f-ing signature on the deed???
Blinker: No, you can't!
AMANDA: All right. Just don't hurt her.
TBH: Please Hammer, don't hurt them.
COLIN (O.S.): Leave the ladies alone.
HTWD: Or I'll do my Duck Dance O' Death on you!
Colin steps out of the doorway behind her. He is holding the Colt. Kolitar's eyes flicker with recognition.
SG: I would hope he recognizes a revolver, he's carrying one!
KOLITAR: You. I know you.
TBH: <mimicking Kolitar> : I never forget a duck walk.
COLIN: Yes, you do.
HTWD: Clint Eastwood had the right idea. The less you talk, the more threatening you are. Especially if THAT is the best you can do.
At that moment, one of Kolitar's henchmen draws his pistol and levels it at Colin. Colin whips up the Colt and snaps off a SHOT that blasts the man out of his saddle.
SG: A little hint. Capitalizing it doesn't make it any more believable.
Colin spins and FIRES again, just as the second henchman's pistol is clearing his holster. The bullet catches the man in the arm and his gun spins away.
TBH: Too bad Colin was aiming for Kolitar's big ugly mug.
Colin now aims the gun at Kolitar, whose hand freezes halfway to his holster.
HTWD: So the lesson we've just learned is that Kolitar is such a slow punk that Colin can gun down two men, one of which requires him to spin his body to aim at, before Kolitar can get more than HALFWAY to his holster???
TBH: A gunslinger even slower than he is ugly is running stuff around here? He'd be an assclown in our Old West!
COLIN: Don't.
SG: Please don't, because I have to spare you now while I have the drop on you so we can have a climactic battle later.
Blinker: Firefly's captain would have never let him live!
(to Ellie) Go to your ma.
She scrambles away, running to her mother's arms.
TBH: <mimicking Amanda> : I hope this teaches you to never go out with older boys! They're always nice in the beginning but they always go for the eyes that night.
COLIN: Move out.
TBH: <mimicking Kolitar> : But the lease is in both our names! YOU move out!
Kolitar gives Colin a long, hateful look, then he moves to his horse and swings into the saddle.
HTWD: Don't hate him because he's beautiful.
KOLITAR: This isn't over.
SG: Duh! We still have 35 minutes left!
With a quick nod to his surviving henchman, the two spin and
ride off.
MSR: <from behind Blinker> : I can't believe Colin let one redshirt live!
ELLIE (wide-eyed) : Never saw nobody shoot like that.
TBH: Christ Almighty! We have GOT to get this girl into a Lee Marvin/ John Wayne/ Clint Eastwood film festival!
Colin stares for a long beat at the first henchman lying dead in the dirt. Then he turns to Amanda and spins the gun in his hand, holding it out to her butt first.
HTWD: I think I'm going to be sick. At least when Jango Fett spun his blasters he was wearing a cool suit!
COLIN: Killing's nothing to be proud of.
SG: So that's why you showboated and spun the gun in your hand, Rocky?
Suddenly, he wobbles unsteadily. Amanda grabs him to steady him. We now see that the bandage on his shoulder is soaked through with blood.
TBH: Four out of five doctors warn against gunslinging within 24 hours of an arm injury.
AMANDA: Help me get him back inside.
HTWD: Oh, come on! Colin doesn't even weigh a bill! You can handle it!
As Amanda and Ellie help Colin inside, we go to....
55 INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE - NIGHT (N1) 55
SG: You know, this is the most informally written script I've ever seen. I've seen fan submitted scripts that handled transitions more professionally than this!
Kolitar sweeps the contents of Sheriff Redfield's desk onto the floor. Redfield jumps back out of the way.
TBH: <whiny voice> : My manwich!!!
KOLITAR (in a rage) : Sliders! Now I know where I've seen that dance hall floozy before.
HTWD: Took you long enough. He puts the Cro-Magnon in Kromagg.
REDFIELD: You know these people?
TBH: I know what he means, Kolitar doesn't look like he has a large circle of friends.
KOLITAR: Oh, yes. You said there were two more?
HTWD: He did? When?
REDFIELD: Yep. Black fella and a white fella. Rented 'em some horses.
SG: I didn't think much about their "We Hate Ugly K" tee shirts, I just thought they were into rap music or something.
KOLITAR: It can't be a coincidence. They must have followed me here.
TBH: It's been months. They're slower pursuers than The Mummy.
REDFIELD: Things are just starting to come together. We can't afford to have them meddling in our plans.
HTWD: And it would have worked, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids!
KOLITAR: Don't worry. I'll see that they don't.
SG: I have a plan that involves a bowl of Visine and two shaved kittens. MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!
Off his thin smile....
TBH: Which begs the question, what does a thick smile look like?
56 INT. SALOON - NIGHT
Maggie is stepping down from the stage as the saloon patrons applaud enthusiastically.
HTWD: Merlin's beard! These are the kind of people who are responsible for me knowing Justin Timberlake's name!
She makes her way through the crowd to the bar. Ben is grinning at her.
BEN: That was incredible.
SG: What is incredible is the lies men will resort to in order to get in a woman's tight pants.
BEN: I've never heard those songs before.
MAGGIE: 'YMCA' is always a show-stopper.
TBH: Hyuck! Does Jay Leno have a writing credit in this? These people wouldn't even get the reference because they obviously have no YMCAs, and sure as hell wouldn't get the irony because they wouldn't know these used to be gay hangouts, to say nothing of the fact that Maggie is not a gay male-.
HTWD: (putting paw on TBH's arm): Come on, man, it's no use.
TBH: (sobbing): I know! I know! It's just so hard sometimes!
BEN: And those dance moves you do. It's a little, um... spicier than I'm used to seeing.
HTWD: Britney Spears would blow these people's little tiny minds.
MAGGIE: Too much?
SG: Well, I thought you crossed the line when you used that guy for a dance pole, but other than that...
BEN: Oh no. Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to join me for dinner tonight.
TBH: He says no, it wasn't too much, but then he immediately asks her out. His words are sweet, sweet lies.
MAGGIE: Corral your ponies there, Bronco Billy. I'm afraid singing and dancing is all you get for your price of admission.
TBH: Let's bring in our guests for this one!
TM: <mimicking Maggie> But for the price of three fresh water baths I can take your ponies for a run around the track, if you know what I mean.
DMD: <mimicking Quinn> Oooh! You've added a new feature to your act then! Is the singing and dancing before or after the blowjob?
R317: <mimicking Bronco Billy> Uh-huh, and what will a half-dime get me?
MSR: <mimicking SSM> Well come on baby. Lap dancing is just fine.
TBH: WOO HOO!!! You'll all be back later when one of us is gunned down.
BEN: What?
HTWD: She said "Prove to me you have one masculine bone in your body and I'll consider it!"
BEN (embarrassed): No. You misunderstand me. I just thought we could talk.
SG: Oh suuuuuuure! She's a hootchie momma singing about tight pants and shaking her booty like her ass is on fire but you only want to talk!
TBH: I KNEW he was gay!
BEN: When I was watching you... You're so self-assured, so in control. You can keep an entire room of drunken cowboys nailed to their seats with just your attitude, the look in your eye.
HTWD: I got news for you pal, it wasn't her attitude OR the look in her eye. And it wasn't her singing either.
BEN: It's very powerful.
(a beat)
I find powerful women very attractive.
SG: That's because they remind him of what he REALLY wants.
MAGGIE (intrigued) : Well, I gotta eat.
TBH: You know, for all the protesting she does, Maggie sure does give in easily.
Over Ben's shoulder, Maggie sees Quinn walk into the saloon.
She is momentarily distracted -- she didn't expect to see him here -
HTWD: So THAT'S what she was supposed to be conveying! I just thought Kari Wuhrer had gas from the look on her face.
- but he gives her a nod of acknowledgement and moves to join a table of men playing poker.
TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : Can I play?
HTWD: Shut up and get lost, tenderfoot!
TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : Uh! But I wanna play!
HTWD: Okay, but you start out delivering our drinks.
BEN: You know, with your talent, I'll bet you could help me with a new project I'm working on.
SG: It's called Maggie Does The West.
MAGGIE: What kind of project is that?
SG: It's something new I like to call Live Porn Theater.
BEN: Ben Siegel thinks big, Maggie. I have a plan to turn this one-horse burg into a mecca, a crossroads. Everyone coming west will stop at Las Vegas, Nevada.
TBH: <burying face in HTWD's paws> : Oh God. Let's bring our guests back in here to point out what is wrong with this speech.
TM: So this guy is supposed to be Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel? Who was born in 1906 and died in 1947?
R317: And this town is supposed to be Las Vegas, which was founded in 1905?
MSR: But if this is a "slow time" world like The Guardian, Bugsy wouldn't be born yet and there wouldn't even be a one horse town here.
DMD: And if this isn't a "slow time" world then Bugsy would already be dead, or almost a hundred years old.
HTWD: None of this even considers how unlikely it is someone would think up a "Las Vegas" back in the days before running water and electricity made desert living palatable for anyone not completely desperate.
TBH: No no no! All of that is bogus, sure. I was talking about the fact that Bugsy thinks MAGGIE is the one piece of the puzzle he needs to make Las Vegas a reality!
MAGGIE: Las Vegas?
HTWD: Wow, even an abject moron knows when the script is being profoundly stupid.
Shii-Ann: <from behind Blinker> : Stupid script! Let me say that again. Stupid, stupid script!
BEN (laughs) : Don't you even know what town you're in?
SG: We're not exactly talking about a rocket scientist here, Bugsy.
MAGGIE: Ben Siegel?
Shii-Ann: Stupid, stupid script!
Something clicks in her head.
TBH: Yeah, the rocks.
She turns and glances at the bar. On the mirror behind the bar, we now see the words (if we haven't noticed them before): FLAMINGO SALOON.
TBH: We didn't notice them before because we've been trying to avert our eyes!
MAGGIE: 'Bugsy' Siegel?
HTWD: Take what you can get, at least he's not Warren Beatty.
BEN (flat) That was my grandfather. He didn't like that nickname and I can't say I do either.
SG: Awwwww! Is the baby getting MAD!?
Shii-Ann: Okay, so it's not THE Bugsy. But it's still a deeply, deeply stupid script.
DMD: Well, this answers the question once and for all. This is not a "slow time" world because Bugsy lived and died when he was supposed to. Though they seem to be implying that The Mob still existed on this world-.
Blinker: Quit coming in here! <!ZAP!>
Before Maggie can respond ....
QUINN (O.S.) : You trying to cheat me?
TBH: I'm trying, but you're not making it easy!
R317: So you DO watch Futurama!
Maggie and Ben turn to see ....
TBH: Peckinballs sneaking away to swap bodies with Chris Carter so he can ruin The X-Files too.
57 QUINN
standing up at the poker table yelling at one of the other players.
HTWD: No wonder they couldn't be on a world for five minutes without getting into trouble in Season 1!
QUINN: What are you trying to pull?
SG: I was trying to pull some of your money out of your wallet, almsman!
Quinn pulls a six gun from under his jacket and levels it at the other man. The "cheater" holds his hands up defensively. He's unarmed. But Quinn pulls the trigger. BLAM! The man is blasted out of his chair.
TBH: Sound effects provided by the scriptwriter for the old Batman TV series.
MAGGIE (horrified) : Quinn!
HTWD: That guy owed me $20 for last night!
Other patrons in the saloon scream and scatter.
59 BACK TO QUINN
He lowers the pistol and looks around the room with a smug expression, almost as if he's giving everyone a good look at his face.
SG: Now why would Quinn want everyone to see him?!?!?
QUINN: Nobody cheats Quinn Mallory.
TBH: You oughta see what he did to the McDonald's clerk who didn't give him the correct change.
Then he turns and strides out of the saloon.
HTWD: But I thought you wanted to play poker!
60 EXT. TOWN - NIGHT
Quinn exits the saloon and strides down the street. As he walks down the street, the camera tracks with him. He reaches the corner and stops. Turning toward the camera, he MORPHS INTO KOLITAR.
SG: So he has this awesome power to change his face and he uses it to frame a wet blanket he could shoot in the back with impunity since he has the sheriff in his back pocket?
TBH: All this to strengthen his hold on a tiny, primitive human town.
A smile plays over Kolitar's face, as we....
TBH: Hurriedly make dental appointments at the sight of his nasty grill.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
