ACT TWO
FADE IN

46A INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE - DAY
Kolitar holds Maggie roughly by the arm. He hisses in her face.

TBH: <mimicking Maggie> : Well, your breath rivals that of a CRACK whore, as I'm about to mention, but you DO have a pulse! Gimme some sugar!

KOLITAR: What's a matter, missy? Never seen a real gunfighter before?

SSM: Jesus how the mighty have fallen! He goes from being a ranking member of the most power conquering force any world has ever seen to making lame "Imma gunfighter!" remarks!

MAGGIE: Gee, I dunno. Ever seen a real toothbrush before?

HTWD: When all else fails, go for the obvious insult!

<TimmyBigHands and HenryTheWonderDog exchange a high five>

TBH: It's worked for us for years!

SSM: Is she implying there is such as thing as a fake toothbrush?

Before Kolitar can respond, Ben steps in.
BEN: No need to drag her into this.

TBH: He wasn't dragging anything, Kolitar was reduced to trying to impress a two bit salon girl.

KOLITAR: What do you care? You sweet on her?

SSM: Not to belabor this point, but I mean really! Put in your mind a fearsome eye eating monster dressed like a Nazi. Got that picture in your mind? Now imagine him reducing entire worlds to dust along with his fellow soldiers. He could have witnessed the slaughter of MILLIONS of humans! With all that in mind, imagine this same monster saying "You sweet on her?"

KOLITAR (to Maggie). : What were you doing out there?

HTWD: I heard the winner of the annual gay rodeo was here. Glad to meet ya!

MAGGIE: I, uh, I was Just looking for the boss.

TBH: It's kinda hard to find him with your ear pressed against the door.

She nods to Redfield.
MAGGIE: I'm done with my first show. I wanted to know if I could freshen up before dinner.

SSM: What makes you think he has ten gallons of bleach?

REDFIELD: Baths are two bits. Four if you want fresh water. I'll take it out of your pay. Now get out.

TBH: Dude, that ‘four if you want fresh water' line is pretty funny!

SouthernSlider: <from behind Blinker> : Ew!

TBH: So do they have four or five tubs where they save the dirty water and one for fresh water?

SouthernSlider: Just ew!!!

Maggie nods and turns to go, but Kolitar holds onto her. He looks hard at her face.

HTWD: It's always hard to look at her face, why make a big deal about it?

KOLITAR: Do I know you?

TBH: That depends, ever surf ASSblast.com?

MAGGIE: I don't think so, sir. I'm sure I'd remember your face.

SSM: Not necessarily. Remember how fugly her husband was?

KOLITAR: yes, I'm sure you would.

HTWD: Proving once again that you don't have to have a lick of brains to conquer entire worlds.

He lets go of her and she backs, quickly, out the door. Kolitar stares after her for a beat, a thoughtful look on his face.

TBH: Nah, that's just gas. Morons can't look thoughtful.

47A EXT. STREET - OUTSIDE SHERIFF'S OFFICE - DAY
Maggie exits the Sheriff's office and the door slams behind her. She pauses for a second, calming herself and catching her breath. Then she hurries down the street.

SSM: Hey miss! You shore do sing like a bird! Can I have your autograph? Miss? >:-# Five minutes of applause and she's turned Hollywood!

48 INT. STARR RANCH - DAY
Amanda is stoking a wood-burning stove and Ellie sits at the table reading a text book.

TBH: <mimicking Ellie> : Ma! Why do they want to see Spot run?

A curtain screening off part of the room draws back, revealing Colin. His arm is in a sling and he leans unsteadily against the wall.

AMANDA: Here now, you shouldn't be up.

HTWD: Why not? All the women are out here! :-P

COLIN: I need to get into town, ma'am. My friends are probably looking for me.

SSM: Why should you show any more urgency to find them than they did you? Chat up the chicks!!!

Colin lets her guide him to the kitchen table.
AMANDA: Then let them find you. You won't be going far with that wound, mister.

TBH: I don't know about that. He can get pretty far if you give him the keys to the horse.

COLIN: My name's Colin Mallory.

TBH: <mimicking Colin> : What do you mean I can't go find my friends!?!? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM??????

Colin spots the Colt Peacemaker lying on the table.
COLIN: That's a big gun.

SSM: We have a big cockroach problem.

Ellie picks it up.
ELLIE: It was my father's. He was in the army. He fought with General Schwartzkopf at Gettysburg.

TBH: So the Civil War still happened, just two hundred years later?

HTWD: Maybe this is another slower time world like the Guardian, that would explain a lot.

TBH: Then why is Schwartzkopf alive?

Amanda takes the gun away from her daughter and places it on the mantle.

SSM: I miss the worlds where ceramic Santas are the mantle centerpiece.

AMANDA: I've told you not to touch that.

TBH: <mimicking Ellie> : But it told me it loved me, Ma! It even applied to the same college as me!

ELLIE (to Colin) : Can you shoot?

HTWD: You pulled a bullet out of him, what do you think?

ELLIE: My daddy said a man's got to know how to use a gun.

SSM: If course, he also told me that fresh cow manure would cure my athlete's foot.

AMANDA (hard) : And look where it got him.

TBH: So it's better to not be able to shoot when they come to run you off your farm? Yeah, if you miss a lot maybe they'll leave you alone.

Ellie looks stung. Amanda turns back to the fire. Colin looks between mother and daughter.

HTWD: Colin really is a moron. He can look at one of two fine looking women and he chooses to look BETWEEN them!!

49 EXT. LIVERY STABLE - DAY
Quinn and Rembrandt ride up to the livery stable and dismount. Maggie hurries up to them.

TBH: Did you find a Pizza Hutt? Please tell me yes!!

MAGGIE: You didn't find him.

HTWD: No, Maggie, they found him but they left him in the desert!

REMBRANDT: We found wagon tracks. Looks like somebody picked him up.

SSM: But we did see some of the CUTEST prairie dogs!! TEE HEE

MAGGIE: Who?

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : Lemme point out for the second time in two minutes that we didn't bring Colin back with us. If we knew who took him we would have recovered him!!

SSM: Mebbe she thought the Picker Upper left behind a PostIt note with their telegraph number on it.

QUINN: We lost the trail.

HTWD: Only because Remmy saw a "Beef ‘N Burger" sign to the west!

MAGGIE: We've got another problem. Mr. K's in town... and it turns out he's an old friend of ours.

Quinn and Remmy exchange a look.

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : So! My old nemesis Krappula finally returns to haunt me! He never forgave me for laughing at his singing vampire act!

REMBRANDT: What?

SSM: Translation: "Keep stretching out the suspense and you're gonna get dunked in the water trough!" What's next? "Guess who I saw today! No, guess! Wrong, guess again!"

MAGGIE: It's Kolitar.

HTWD: Was he the one who only ate blue eyes?

QUINN: Kolitar? The Kromagg?

TBH: Maggie's right to do our riffing for us on this line. Quinn didn't turn into an action hero in season 4, he turned into Forest Gump.

MAGGIE: No, Kolitar the Care Bear. When we sprung him from the Slidecage, this must have been the Earth he bounced back to.

SSM: Thank you Sherlock. Now sit down before you hurt yourself with all this thinking.

REMBRANDT: Talk about the good, the bad and the really ugly.

HTWD: Unfortunately, this script is only bad and ugly.

QUINN: How could he have known we were on that stagecoach?

TBH: Have you forgotten about all their bogus psychic abilities?

MAGGIE: I don't think he did. He didn't recognize me in this get-up.

SSM: What get up? You mean she doesn't always look like a slut?

TBH: Actually, she does.

MAGGIE: I heard him talking to the sheriff and that guy Ben about some scheme they have to grab land from the homesteaders. Maybe we just got in the middle.

HTWD: Let's go back to the video tape!

MAGGIE: We've got another problem. Mr. K's in town...

HTWD: If he didn't recognize you, why is this a problem? And don't say it was only the "get up" because believe me, you look the same as always.

QUINN: Some homesteaders might have found Colin. We need to check out all the local ranches in the area.

SSM: Why do I think JOC doesn't even know what a "homesteader" WAS?

SLB4ever: Hi everybody! <sits on sock monkey>

SSM: HEY!!!

TBH: SLB4ever????

SLB4ever: What can I say? I just saw Star Trek Nemesis.

REMBRANDT: There's probably a list of deeds at the land office.

HTWD: Wouldn't it be simpler to ask someone in town? Someone must know who lives closest to the place where Colin was shot.

QUINN (to Maggie) : We're going to need to keep these horses a spell longer.

SLB4ever: "a spell" ???

TBH: You have no idea how much uglier than that it's been.

MAGGIE: Just find Colin before I owe my soul to the company store.

HTWD: You'd have to get your soul back from Peckinballs before you can give it to anyone else!

TBH: Okay, it's time once again to insert your own riff! Winners get to join us in the theater and chance being shot by Blinker. Not sure what we'll do if Blinker wins so we'll play that by ear. Here is the line from an upcoming scene that is so ripe for riffing:

MAGGIE: Corral your ponies there, Bronco Billy. I'm afraid singing and dancing is all you get for your price of admission.