SL7: Well >:-#!!TBH: What's wrong? Depressed that your doubles were vaporized by Blinker and that you're obviously next?
SL7: Huh? Of course not! Smeg them! I'm just depressed that "The Adventures of Pluto Nash" bombed at the box office. That movie was hysterical! Dennis Quaid alone was worth the price of popcorn!
HTWD: Well, it didn't have any dog murdering in it, that's always a good thing. >:-#
SL7: And the Hilary Clinton running gag was great! Even though it was obviously planted by the mystery uncredited actor who pops up two thirds of the way through the movie. That Republican weenie is always doing things like this!
TBH: I don't think so. The great thing about the Clintons is that you don't have to be conservative to hate and mock them! They are the Executive of national politics.
HTWD: <grinning at camera> : "Hating the dirtbag Clintons! It's no longer just the Right thing to do!"
QUINN: What?SL7: He said your script sucks tons of ASS!!
REDFIELD: Don't know where you come from, son, but we haven't taken paper money in these parts since the recession of '74.
TBH: If the recession was great enough to wipe out paper money, why did you have to identify the year?
QUINN: Great. I don't suppose you offer credit?
HTWD: I think this ranks up there with the most ASININE question EVER asked! Even as a joke!
REDFIELD: Nope. (then) But we might be able to work out a trade.
He eyes Maggie.
TBH: <mimicking Redfield> : I'll give you one broken down ole nag for the hussy.
REDFIELD: I sure could use a little songbird to entertain the customers.
SL7: Then go bird hunting! Seek out Maggie only if you're looking for a little screechhawk to get rid of the customers.
MAGGIE: Excuse me?
HTWD: He said, "A slice of your ass per horse you wanna rent."
REDFIELD: Nothing fancy. Just perch on the piano and bat those beautiful eyes.
TBH: Who is he talking about? Is he looking past her at a horse's rear end?
REDFIELD: maybe flash a little ankle ---
SL7: Her ankles turn him on because that's about the only thing she hasn't had augmented.
Maggie makes a move toward Redfield, but Quinn and Remmy hold her back.
TBH: <mimicking Maggie>: HOW DARE YOU!?! I'll have you know I only show my ankle to get movie roles!
HTWD: TEE HEE. She's mad now but loves it later! I love the messages Sliders gives to teenage girls!
REMBRANDT: I don't think the lady's interested.
SL7: Now if you were a record producer you'd feel those ankles wrapped around your neck ...
REDFIELD: Too bad. For a short-term contract, I could set you up with a couple horses, and throw in the tack and some gear to boot.
HTWD: Jesus, the current girl must be a 1,000 year old pigboat for him to offer that much!
MAGGIE: Forget it.
TBH: Who is she kidding? She'd PAY HIM to sing and flaunt her stuff in front of 50 hard up men!
REDFIELD: Be a pity if your friend was still lying out there in the desert. Got fire ants out there, little bitty things, but bite? Saw a feller once got into a nest, swole up somethin' awful before he died.
SL7: swole??????? <eyes Blinker guarding the doorway>
TBH: "swole" is country for "I couldn't handle third grade so I quit and joined the circus."
REDFIELD: Heard his screamin' two counties over.
HTWD: Maybe he shouldn't eat so much cheese and peanut butter.
Quinn and Rembrandt give Maggie a look.
TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : Methinks thou dost protest too much.
MAGGIE (sighs) : Oh, all right.
SL7: Ahhh, once an attention lusting slut, always an attention lusting slut!
REDFIELD: Two shows daily, three on Saturday. Room and board and you keep the tips.
HTWD: Who'd want even one TIP???
REDFIELD (a wink) : Any private arrangement's strictly between you and the customer.
TBH: This is a pretty good deal. Most Sheriffs would make her give him 25% of all her illegal prostitution earnings.
Maggie goes for Redfield again. As Quinn and Remmy grab
her....
SL7: Oh, I see. She gives it away free every night but if someone implies she might sell it then she goes off the chain.
TBH: Speaking of implications, I guess we can deduce that she prefers broke losers to men who might be able to afford to pay for her.
SL7: 7-11 Slushie jockeys have a decent chance with her! WOO HOO!!!
28 EXT. BACK OF A WAGON - DAY
We start tight on Colin's face, streaked with sweat, his eyes closed.
HTWD: Eeeeeew! Do you have to be in tight on him? I feel like I need a shower now!
His head lolls back and forth with the jostling motion of the wagon. After a short beat, his eyes open. He looks up groggily.
SL7: Are they trying to say Colin ever looks anything BUT groggy?
29 COLIN'S POINT OF VIEW
He sees the back of someone driving the wagon. The figure is still fuzzy and unclear, a dark form in a cowboy hat slapping the reins of the horse team. The figure turns back and looks at Colin but we can't make out any features.
TBH: Mmmmm, CRACK cam! :-P
30 ON COLIN
as he drifts off into unconsciousness again.
HTWD: Well ... that was an informative scene.
SL7: Way to take all the tension out of the ep, guys. Colin's been rescued, so there is nothing to worry about.
TBH: But they made the wagon driver FUZZY, so we can think that Special K captured him.
SL7: But wouldn't Special K have killed him?
TBH: Not if the "K" stands for freaK! He's taking Colin home for the red ball and "bring out the gimp" treatment.
SL7: <standing up, arms over head> : WOO HOO!!! So much for Colin! Bring in the next loser!
SL8ever: <pushing past Blinker>: Someone call me?
<There is a flash of light, SL8 explodes.>
BLK: Nope.
31 EXT. TOWN STREET - DAY
Quinn and Remmy ride down the street on horseback. Both are sitting tall in the saddle sporting cowboy hats and dusters.
SL7: You ever notice how the lamest Sliders ideas always come in twos? Westerns. Dinosaurs. Zombies.
TBH: They only had one zombie ep!
SL7: What about Quinn's entire season 4 performance?
Rimshot: You woke me up for this?
REMBRANDT (a drawl) : Hear tell there's a coupla strangers in town.
TBH: <checking watch> : Is this tedious yet?
QUINN (squintin') Yep.
HTWD: Please tell me that's not a Clint Eastwood impression. He wouldn't make a pimple on Clint's wrinkled ASS!
REMBRANDT: Tough hombres. Just rode in from Wormhole Gulch. Aimin' to do some drinkin' and dukin'.
Vigeant: <from behind Blinker>: "Wormhole Gulch." I get it!
QUINN: Yep.
SL7: Their lame banter is concealing a deep seated worry for Colin, I assure you.
TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : Colin? Sheeeeet! I knew we forgot somein'!
Remmy shifts uncomfortably in the saddle.
REMBRANDT: Are your chaps chafing you as much as mine are?
HTWD: Since you brought it up, care to explain why you needed all this gear for a single trip back to where you left Colin? Or did you read ahead in the script?
QUINN: Yep.
They ride on up the street.
SL7: They don't seem to be riding towards Colin very fast.
32 INT. SALOON - DAY
Like everything else in this town, it says Wild West from the wagon wheel chandelier to the beer-soaked floorboards. Maggie heads for the bar, where she finds Ben sipping a whiskey.
TBH: Actually, everything in this town screams "Mild Mild West" and this bar is no exception.
BEN: Why Miss Beckett, you're a vision.
HTWD: One of Saint John's visions maybe.
MAGGIE: Yeah, I clean up pretty good.
SL7: She's so retarded she thinks that phrase is a compliment!
MAGGIE (eyeing his drink)
TBH: Is that what they're calling it these days?
MAGGIE: Stake a lady to a drink?
TBH: <mimicking Ben looking around> : Sure! Where is she?
Rimshot: I hate you.
Ben pours Maggie a shot, which she quickly throws back.
BEN: I didn't realize you were an entertainer.
HTWD: Are you kidding? Did you just see the way she swallowed that glass whole??
MAGGIE: Neither did I. I won't be making a career of it.
SL7: She prefers her casual sex with complete strangers to be strictly a hobby, not a profession.
BEN: Just as well. Saloons like this are on the way out. Folks coming west these days are looking for a more family-oriented experience. Something for the wife and kids to do. Not just drinkin', gamblin' and girlie shows.
TBH: So put in a Dennys next door. But as long as there are men and money, there's gonna be "girlie shows."
Sheriff Redfield appears behind the bar.
REDFIELD: I'm not paying you to drink my whiskey. How 'bout givin' them pipes a workout?
HTWD: They don't need another workout. Her pipes are the Arnold Schwarzenegger of throats.
Maggie glares at Redfield, then turns to Ben.
SL7: Could she oversell her attitude any more? James Traficant didn't protest this much!
MAGGIE: I guess I'm on.
TBH: <reaching for vomit bag> : I guess I'm throwing up.
Ben raises his glass in a silent toast, and we....
HTWD: Reach for a Dred Zepplin CD with a quickness.
CUT TO
33 HANDS
dancing down a piano keyboard. The piano player plunks out the opening bars of "The Camptown Races."
SL7: No thanks. I'd rather hear a cat having a colonoscopy with no medication.
34 MAGGIE
stands near the piano. She looks nervously around the saloon as the drinkers and gamblers don't pay her much mind.
TBH: "Pay her much mind"???? Okay, so the dialogue is tre Western, but why is the script writer using western colloquialisms in direction???
The piano player hands her a lyric sheet. She glances at
it, then looks over to....
35 BEN
at the bar, who gives her a smile of encouragement.
TBH: <mimicking Ben> : Come on! You can do it! <lower voice> Tee hee. I love encouraging people to make complete asses outta themselves!
36 RESUME SCENE
Maggie takes a deep breath, and begins to sing. She starts out slowly, tentatively, but as she sings her voice grows firmer. Gradually, the din of the saloon quiets down as everyone turns their attention to Maggie.
HTWD: "Hey! Either take off your clothes or shut the hell up!" "Actually, can you shut up either way?" "How much does she owe you, Sheriff? I'LL pay if you'll make her stop that chalkboard scratching!"
37 EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY
Start out on the strongbox lying in the road, cracked open and rifled. We find Quinn and Remmy approaching on horseback. They dismount and walk up to the strongbox.
SL7: Why do they look surprised he's not here after the way they lollygagged and joked their meandering way out here?
QUINN: This looks like the place. (calling out) Colin!
TBH: Come check out our outfits! We've worked out some lines for you to join in on our pseudo western accented mockery!
REMBRANDT: Colin!
HTWD: Your turn to be the straight man!
They spread out, searching the area.
REMBRANDT: Q-Ball. Over here.
TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : Look at these prairie dogs! TEE HEE!! <mimicking Quinn> : Remmy! Colin, remember? <mimicking Remmy> Oh yeah!
Quinn rushes over to join him. Remmy holds up a blood-stained shirt.
SL7: So whoever picked him up stripped his shirt off and left it behind? Why would they do that?
TBH: Maybe it was SouthernSlider?
QUINN: Colin's.
REMBRANDT: Maybe someone picked him up.
HTWD: Duh. Unless you think Special K stripped his shirt off and then took the time to bury him?
QUINN: Picked him up and took him where?
SL7: Maybe they needed a block of wood. His head would serve nicely.
REMBRANDT: Don't look at me, Kemosabe. I can't tell you when the BART's coming without a schedule.
TBH: That's probably the only time the Lone Ranger and the Simpsons have been referenced in the same speech of a TV show.
SL7: I don't think they mean THAT Bart.
TBH: Why not? Him talking about the Simpsons makes about as much sense as him mentioning a San Francisco subway in this context.
QUINN: Damn.
HTWD: Yeah, agree! This is terrible that you didn't find his vulture plundered corpse out here! It sucks that the only plausible reason someone would have for taking him with them is if he were still alive.
As they stare off across the seemingly endless prairie, we....
SL7: Get the hell out of here before they cut back to Maggie singing!!
BLK: <aiming blaster at SL7's head> Whoa there, cowboy.
CUT TO
38 INT. RANCH - DAY
A dark room lit by flickering lamplight. Colin lays on a
bed, a bloody bandage on his shoulder. His eyes open and he
tries to sit up, but he winces in pain. A youthful voice
speaks up....
TBH: Mom! The tree is awake!
VOICE (ELLIE): I'd lie still if I were you.
HTWD: Yeah, but if you were him then you'd have just woken up in a strange place with no idea how you got there and the very real possibility that you were captured by enemies, in which case lying still would be the worst move you could make. So tell me honestly, would you really lie still if you were him?
Colin looks up to see a figure in a cowboy hat silhouetted
in the doorway. It's the same dark shape Colin saw hovering
over him in the desert.
SL7: This shadowy figure has already spoken so we know it's female. Why is the scriptwriter being secretive about the gender?
COLIN: Where am I?
TBH: Orbiting Solaris, which is why you were fast asleep.
The figure steps into the room. In the dim light, we see it's a teenager, thirteen or fourteen.
HTWD: I think making your minor wear a cowboy hat should be considered child abuse.
ELLIE: You're on our ranch. I found you out by Jawbone Wash.
SL7: Which is right next to Hambone Dry.
COLIN: You're just a boy.
SL7: Huh?
TBH: What does that have to do with anything????
HTWD: Also, she's spoken twice now, how could Colin not realize this is a girl?
TBH: Projectionist! Run those last two lines again, I wanna see if I missed something.
ELLIE: You're on our ranch. I found you out by Jawbone Wash.
COLIN: You're just a boy.
SL7: Huh?
TBH: So is he arguing that boys can't find things?
HTWD: Maybe he's suggesting that boys wouldn't go to places called "Jawbone Wash"
TBH: Run that one more time!
ELLIE: You're on our ranch. I found you out by Jawbone Wash.
COLIN: You're just a boy.
SL7: Huh?
TBH: Hmmm, maybe he just randomly insults everyone who saves his life.
ELLIE: Am not.
Ellie takes off her cowboy hat, revealing a cascade of sun-bleached hair. She's a fresh-faced farm girl.
HTWD: So boys can't have long hair??? I mean, if her feminine voice and ample cleavage wasn't enough to convince him, what's some hippie hair gonna do?
COLIN: Sorry.
SL7: You should be! Jerk.
TBH: Actually, I think "abject moron" fits better here.
ELLIE: My name's Ellie. Ellie Starr.
TBH: My parents were so dumb they made my first and middle names the same.
ELLIE: Someone put a hole through you.
HTWD: Speaking of rocket scientists, is she just noticing or does she think he hasn't noticed?
TBH: Neither, this is the unnecessary dialogue that sets up someone's entrance segment of our program.
AMANDA (O.S.): Don't move stranger. Or I'll put another one in you.
SL7: I've always wanted to wait out of sight for just the right comment to make my entrance on. Here, I'll go out in the hallway and then you say "And no one in the world has the power to stop me now." Then I'll make my grand entrance with a dramatic comment!
TBH: Okay.
<SL7ever jumps up and heads for the door. There is a harsh flash of light, a bug zapper sound, and a screech of atomized torment.>
BLK: I'd like to test that theory.
HTWD: Great, who will help us riff now?
TBH: Anyone can do it! Here, I have a Spider Sock Monkey in my bag. <sets Spider Sock Monkey on seat between them.> Good boy! Sic the movie!
Spider Sock Monkey: Roger roger.
Reveal AMANDA STARR, an attractive, if slightly world-weary frontier woman, standing in the doorway behind Ellie. She is holding a huge Cold Peacemaker pistol.
SSM: Who cares what temperature the pistol is?
AMANDA: You one of Mr. K's boys?
TBH: Why would one of his boys be laying around shot and abandoned? I haven't seen anyone on this world with the sand to face him, to say nothing of shooting one of his minions.
HTWD: <paralyzed look of horror on face> : "Sand"???
TBH: Sorry.
COLIN: No. I think the piece of lead in my arm belonged to him, though.
HTWD: Considering his leaden performance so far, how are they ever going to find the bullet? HA HA HA HA HA!!
SSM: Damn. I'm just a sock monkey and all but I think that's lame!
Amanda moves closer to Colin, but still keeps a watchful attitude.
TBH: What exactly is a watchful attitude?
HTWD: I think it's like when you watch the new Twilight Zone. You know it's gonna suck, so you have an attitude about it, but for some reason you're still compelled to watch it to the bitter end each week.
AMANDA (to Ellie) : You got chores, Ellie.
SSM: But Mom! I already pulled the polecat outta the septic tank!
ELLIE: Ma.
TBH: And I already loaded some coal in the microwave! I'm done for the day!
AMANDA: Now.
HTWD: Forgot to feed the zebras again, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!?!?
Stymied, Ellie stalks out of the room. Amanda eyes the bandage on Colin's arm.
SSM: Kids these days. Can't live with ‘em, can't stuff ‘em in the septic tank.
AMANDA: The slug missed the bone or you
would'ye lost that arm.
TBH: Would'ye????? Wouldn't that be better used as "Would'ye fetch me another keg of yak beer?"
SSM: I'm pretty sure that was a scanner error, mendicant.
She picks up a small bowl and tilts it toward Colin. A lead slug rattles in the bottom.
HTWD: What kind of slime does a lead slug leave behind as it crawls?
TBH: It'd be an oil base, I reckon. But Ellie said there was a hole THROUGH him? If that is the case, why did Amanda find a bullet?
AMANDA: If this came from Mr. K's gun like you say, you're damn lucky. He doesn't usually miss.
SSM: ‘cept that time he hit Whiskey Ma in the dentures when he was aiming for Reverend Miller's ASS. But it was windy that day.
COLIN: You know him?
TBH: Yeah, we belong to the same bridge club. Surprisingly, he's a very patient partner.
Amanda drops the bowl containing the bullet onto the side table with a jarring clank.
AMANDA: He put one of these in my husband's back.
HTWD: Man, he sure does get around! Kolitar left the Slidecage 8 episodes ago. Presumably he arrived here. So that's been what? 3-4 months?
TBH: If that.
HTWD: He's had time to spread this much fear around and stop by here to kill her husband?
Off Colin's look....
39 INT. SALOON - DAY
Things are rockin' now.
SSM: They'd have to book Wayne Newton to get UP to the complete opposite of "rockin'."
The piano player, is hammering the keyboard as Maggie bops around the room singing "Tight Pants."
TBH: Which is a more horrifying thought? Maggie bopping around the room or her singing?
HTWD: <dabbing eyes>: I'll go with her singing because audio memory cuts so much deeper.
She's got the crowd singing along, but suddenly it's as if someone just pulled the plug -- the piano player stops and the crowd falls silent. Maggie continues on her own for a beat. Then she stops, realizing the room's gone dead.
TBH: <mimicking Maggie>: Dammit! Did my sagging butt bop outta my tight pants again?
Reveal....
40 MR. K
standing inside the swinging doors of the saloon. Two of his gang members flank him and his girl, a fiery Latina spitfire, hangs on his arm.
SSM: If she's a willing girlfriend to a Kromagg, I don't think "spitfire" is the description starting with an "S" you were looking for! :-X
Mr. K's face is still obscured by his wide gat and upturned collar as he strides slowly across the saloon, his spurs clinking ominously on the floorboards.
HTWD: Spray "Omniclink" on your ordinary, very common objects and YOU TOO can be scary!
At the bar, Mr. K signals for a drink and the bartender gives him a bottle of whiskey. Mr. K takes a swig then slides the bottle to his compadres.
TBH: <mimicking compadres> : Dude! I'll follow you blindly, even though you just got here, but I'm NOT drinking Kromagg backwash!!
MR. K: Place seems a little dead.
SSM: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
<notices glares>
SSM: What? That was SO comically ironic!
...
SSM: The sock monkey will shut up now.
The piano player nervously resumes playing and a low buzz of conversation ripples through the room.
HTWD: "... so I told Martha if she didn't stop spending all day watching ‘Musketsmoke' I was gonna-..."
TBH: "... when is someone gonna do something about this eye missing epidemic? I think it's Grandma Tilly, she's stopped wearing her glasses, have you noticed?"
SSM: "... I'm telling you, something jest ain't right about Special K. Who really believes his face was run over by a hot iron when he was a baby???"
Maggie watches curiously as Mr. K moves down the bar to where Ben and the sheriff are. She's too far away to hear as the three men exchange a few words, but she watches Ben rise and follow Sheriff Redfield and Mr. K out of the saloon.
TBH: Man, if those two sold their soul to Special K in the few days he's been on this world, they were just waiting for anyone with a pulse to come through town! Brisco County Jr. would have RUN this place!
After they leave, Maggie announces to the room....
HTWD: I haven't been getting offers so I wanted to make it clear to everyone! I'M. A. SLUT. Jesus, you people are dumb!
MAGGIE: I'll be taking a short break, folks. Don't forget to tip your servers.
SSM: How ‘bout we give you a tip instead? Singing is not supposed to be painful to the audience!
And she heads across the room toward the door.
Mr. K leans casually against the wall and lights a cheroot. A cloud of smoke obscures his face.
TBH: This is getting more tedious than the Ausin Powers 'I'm neekid behind this lamp' bit!
BEN: I don't appreciate being shot at.
HTWD: Boo Hoo. If you were in a Clint Eastwood western you'd be getting the gun shoved up your >:-#!
MR. K: Didn't realize you were on the stage. Man's got to make a living.
SSM: And what exactly do Kromaggs need with money? Eyes are abundant.
BEN: I thought that was what I was here for.
TBH: No, you're here to simulate a boyfriend for Magge and then hurt her feelings when she discovers you're a dirtbag.
REDFIELD: Easy, boys. No use spattin'. We're all going to make a lot of money together.
HTWD: Wouldn't it be simpler for Kolitar to just "invent" kernel popcorn? He'd make millions!
Maggie inches along the sidewalk towards the door to the Sheriff's office, straining to eavesdrop on the conversation inside.
SSM: How long before Nancy Drew here gets busted?
TBH: Less time than it takes to heat up leftover pizza.
Redfield stands between Mr. K and Ben.
BEN (to Redfield) : You told me you'd have the homesteader problem cleared up by the time I got here.
HTWD: You know, monks were forging documents in the first millennium. People in the Old West HAD to be aware of the practice! Why do these guys never just blow away all the homesteaders and forge their names on the papers? Are they worried someone's gonna do an Internet comparison of the signatures? Or maybe they think the FBI is gonna show up and investigate?
SSM: These movies would only be 20 minutes long if they did that.
HTWD: I don't see a downside.
MR. K: Don't worry about it.
TBH: He learns quick. Five minutes on this world and he's already learned the language of Lazy.
REDFIELD: Mr. K's been doing a fine job opening up new properties for development.
HTWD: If you think he's good at that you outta see him make an omelet!
BEN: Those dirt farmers are sitting on land we need.
SSM: Dirt farming sounds really easy! Even a sock monkey could handle that! "Ellie! Fetch us some dirt, we're going to market today!"
MR. K (cold) : I said don't worry about it.
TBH: Awww, I don't think Special K is gonna ask Ben to the prom.
Maggie crouches near the door.
HTWD: Good thing she always has a pair of kneepads with her.
BEN (O.S.) : Well, I am worried about it. If we can't lock up the land, this whole deal falls apart.
SSM: They have the law in their pocket and they can't take out some dirt farmers? >:-#, even Robert Urich would be slapping these punks around!
There is a moment of silence, then a low murmur from inside. Maggie leans closer to the door, straining to hear. Suddenly, the door flies open and she stumbles in....
TBH: <mimicking Maggie> : Oh! TEE HEE. I thought this was the church, I was just praying-.
Mr. K jerks Maggie inside, holding her tightly by the arm.
HTWD: Watch it! She's gonna need that arm later to dance badly!
MR. K: Looks like the songbird got out of her cage.
SSM: This is a subtle echo back to "Slidecage" right?
TBH: <patting Spider Sock Monkey on the head> : I love it when they're so naively innocent.
Maggie struggles.
MAGGIE: Let go of me, you....
HTWD: ... my Gawd, and I thought you Kromaggs looked like dorks in their Nazi uniforms ... foul bad guy!
She looks up and sees Mr. K's face clearly for the first time. Her words catch in her throat. He's a Kromagg. More specifically, he's KOLITAR, the Kromagg leader the Sliders helped release from the "Slidecage."
TBH: Aw man, I wanted to see all the neatly coy ways they were gonna hide his face in the second act! :'-(
MAGGIE: Oh my God.
SSM: Does this mean the wrong Maggie Slid?
Off her stunned expression, we....
TBH: Run to the bathroom-.
BLK: Uh uh!
TBH: >:-#
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
HTWD: WHAT?? Is the first act all we've seen??? It feels like we've been doing this for months!!!
