Henry the Wonder Dog: Well, he's not THAT old but he acts that old.

SL4ever: Hey guys! What ya doing?

TBH: <buried under large printout> : Just looking at the United Nations Human Development Index. It ranks all the countries in the world from 1 to 162. Guess who's number one???

SL4: Um, France?

TBH: ROTF!!! Nah, they're six spots down from ICELAND, for crying out loud! Nah, Norway is the most humanly developed country in the world! We knew the fish was moist excellent and the old hot spa and then dip in ice lake was insane, but who knew they were tops in the world?

SL4: <eyes narrowing> : "Humanly developed?" You don't even know what this index MEANS, do you?

HTWD: It means you suck more than you thought you did! :-P

SL4: Let me see that! SNATCH!! Hmmm, Japan has the highest life expectancy in the world at 80.8. As far as this stooopid index goes, Norway is 1, Australia is 2, Canada is 3??? Everyone is always making fun of Canada and they're number three in the entire freaking world???

HTWD: The United States is only 6th! Granted that the United Kingdom is down at 14 but still! 6 is disgraceful!

Blinker: <walking in smoking a pipe and petting a poofy white cat.> : MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!

CoolSlider: ALL THIS TIME YOU'VE BEEN MAKING FUN OF US AND WE WERE ACTUALLY SUPERIOR!! KISS OUR RINGS!!

OzSlider: <offering his ring> : While you're down there on your knees anyway ...

Way Out West - Part I

SLIDERS
"Way Out West"
TEASER
FADE IN
1 EXT. PRAIRIE - DAY (D1)
Endless rolling hills and fields. No one in sight until....

SL4: ... a varmint runs from one cactus to the next.

The VORTEX OPENS and out tumble Quinn, Colin, Rembrandt and Maggie, all bundled up in winter coats, hats and gloves.

TBH: TEE HEE! See, they're going from a really cold world to a really hot one! The writers are so punny!!

QUINN: Well. That was brisk.

HTWD: Hey! That's taking work from the claymation guys! Clay Danny Devito is NOT gonna be happy!

MAGGIE: I hate cold.

SL4: Hidey HO, the Mr. Obvious show! Maggie just made the statement that she, like 5 billion other human beings, does not like extreme temperatures! Let's all give her a mental hug!

TBH: I'm not going near her even in a mental way!

COLIN: It must have been eighty below back there.

HTWD: <looks around> : Who is he talking to? The people who were just back there WITH him and KNOW how cold it was?

SL4: Hey Henry, remember two minutes ago when you said "Hey! That's taking work from the claymation guys! Clay Danny Devito is NOT gonna be happy!"

HTWD: Oh yeah! Those were some great times, weren't they?

REMBRANDT: You wanna talk cold?

SL4: Woo Hoo!! He's gonna mention Ice World from the Pilot! Finally, some continuity!

REMBRANDT: I remember going to start my car in the morning in Detroit. If your coat bunched up a little in the back, leaving some skin showing when you hit that vinyl seat? Yow.

SL4: WTF???

Remmy spreads his arms to the sun.
REMBRANDT: Oh, yeah. This is more like it.

TBH: Keep thinking that. Shoulda brought along some snow!

2 OMITTED

HTWD: Thank GOD!

3 EXT. PRAIRIE -DAY (LATER)
The Sliders trudge along glumly. They've stripped off their winter coats and are showing signs of exhaustion.

SL4: They make it sound like they wouldn't have immediately taken the coats off.

QUINN: Anybody see a water fountain?

TBH: No, but I see someone asking retarded questions.

REMBRANDT: Or a Pizza Hut? My blood sugar's getting a little low.

HTWD: Pizza isn't gonna raise your sugar level, it'll raise your FAT level!!

SL4: <standing up and raising his arms> : WOO HOO!!

MAGGIE: We better find something. We've got five more days till we slide.

TBH: Oh. My. God. Maggie! I just remembered! She sings "Tight Pants" in this ep! <rushes out of his seat and runs for the door.>

Blinker: <standing in doorway holding "Alien" Pulse Rifle>: Uh, uh, uh! I'm here to make sure NO ONE LEAVES during this horrid ep. Sit back down!!

<Sniffling, TBH returns to his seat>

REMBRANDT: Five days. We're gonna die out here.

HTWD: Maggie first! WOO HOO!!

COLIN: Maybe not.

SL4: Yep, those are the two possible outcomes, GENIUS boy! Either you'll die or you won't!

REMBRANDT: I knew you'd come through, farm boy. You know how to make an animal snare out of your shoelaces or something?

TBH: And do what? DRINK THE BLOOD of what you catch? The conversation was about not having water, you moron! What good is food if you die of thirst?

Dexibal_Lector: <from behind Blinker> : Mmmmm, drink the blood. :-<

COLIN: No. (pointing) Someone's coming.

HTWD: So are his eyes as superior as his run is hilarious or what? How come only he could see it?

4 IN THE DISTANCE
a cloud of dust is rapidly approaching them in the distance.

SL4: What is Pig Pen doing out in the desert?

CUT TO
5 A STAGECOACH
A genuine western stagecoach pulls to a stop beside the bedraggled Sliders.

TBH: Good thing it was a genuine one! I'd hate for them to ride in a fake one.

QUINN: Hello. Um, howdy. Sir. Could you give us a lift to the nearest town?

HTWD: <draws iron> : You EVER say "howdy" again, Quinn, and I'll shoot you myself!

The DRIVER stares at them.

SL4: What's HIS problem? He stopped, didn't he? If he didn't want to give them a ride he'd have kept going!

REMBRANDT: Maybe it's a mirage.

TBH: Cuz you can't EVER have a story or movie or TV show of someone in a desert without showing or mentioning mirages. I wish I had Mirage's agent!

STAGE DRIVER: What in the name of Samuel T. Colt are you doing out here? It's hot enough to bake the blueberries off a brahma bull.

HTWD: <Buries head in paws.>

TBH: <glances at Blinker, who sets his rifle to "incinerate," reconsiders making another run for it.>

SL4: <looks at screen with jaw dropped and an expression of abject horror on his face>

MAGGIE (deadpan) : A very colorful mirage.

HTWD: You could say that. You could also say that he was trying WAY too hard!

COLIN: We were separated from our wagon train. One of our horses got snake bit and the others run off cause my friend here... (a quick head nod at Remmy) forgot to hobble 'em last night.

SL4: So in other words, you haven't changed his mind one bit about you four being incompetent buffoons.

HurriKain: <from behind Blinker> : Why does Remmy always have to take the fall???

STAGE DRIVER: Why didn't you say so? Git in before you fry your frijoles. Two a ya's gotta git up on top. Not enough room inside.

TBH: <look of abject dismay on his face> : This is what happens, folks, when a Valley Boy tries to write Old West dialogue.

SL4: This scriptwriter has never been past East LA!

As Colin climbs up....

QUINN (aside) : Very smooth, bro. How'd you come up with that story?

TBH: The scriptwriter had just taken a hit off the CRACK pipe.

COLIN (shrugs) : Happened to me once. Prom night.

HTWD: Look! We get it! Colin's country! Hardy har har!

STAGE DRIVER: Shake your bootstraps, folks. We're in Mr. K's territory now.

SL4: "shake your..." <stands up> SHAKE YOUR BOOTSTRAPS??? NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE OLD WEST EVER SAID "SHAKE YOUR BOOTSTRAPS"!!! IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!!

TBH: I know, I know. Calm down.

SL4: NO! I'M NOT GOING TO CALM DOWN!! I'M OUTTA THIS MOTHER>:-#-ER! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!

<SL4ever runs toward the door and is vaporized by Blinker.>

TBH: <swallows> : Um, we'll be right back, folks.