The Crapparatus
SHINY:
a Kari Wuhrer album

MSTed by HurriKain

Lyrics courtesy
kariwuhrer.net

Okay, so it's really a screencap from 'Data World.'

 SHINY - Part IX

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Super Bowl!!! Now before we get to the gridiron action, we have a special treat for you tonight. Singing our anthem, you know her from way back as co-host of MTV's Remote Control... Ladies and Gentlemen, KARI... WUHRER!!!

<Kari walks out with her guitar>

KW: Thank you. <winks> Ahem.

    Ohhhhh say, can you see
    By the flowerly light
    And so proudly we hail
    And the poppies last streaming
    Pretty colors and great smell
    Through the perilless night
TV Exec: "What the F*** is she doing?!?!?!
    And the rockets' red glaaaare
    The flowers flyying mid-aaaaaair
    Gave proof through the night
    That the flowers were there
    Oh say does that Star Spangled FLLOOOOOWWWWEEEEERRRR
    Yet waaaaaaaave
<the crowd gets restless and starts booing>
    ..... and for the land of POTPOURRIIIIIIII
    and the home of the... OW!
Hey! Who threw that lawn chair?!?

<Kari is grabbed by security and escorted out of the stadium, getting hit by every projectile the fans can get their hands on.>

Ow! Let go of me! I'm not finished! BUY SHINY!

    "Can't Cope"
I can't cope either! I just can't! Everytime I try to listen to this song, I get a headache and go on one of my typically insane rampages. I don't know how much longer I can last, but I must stay strong. After this, it's only ONE MORE SONG!! PRAISE BE! So, let's put this in the blender and get started...
    Sometiiiiiiiimes
    I just can't cooooooooope (x2)
Somewhere out there, a wolf howls.
    With the television news
    Pouring out the blood-sucking truth
    Of violence and greed
    I mean, yeah
Okay, how can you be disgusted with violence and greed when your ENTIRE career is based upon it, Ms. 'Maggie Beckett AKA that chick in Red Alert 2'? I mean, for a person who hates these sorts of things, you sure do like to play pretend with them and get paid in the process.
    I know I want everything
    but I'll never stoop that low
Kari: Jerry, I won't sleep with you even if you DO have a stash of drugs in your apartment. I have a rule, NEVER TO SLEEP WITH CO-WORKERS. Peck is where I draw the line!
    Those bastards are so low
I hear ya. Sci-Fi canceled Sliders so they could get "Black Scorpion". <hurls> Dumb bastards.
    Sometiiiiiiiiiiiiiimes
    I just caaaaaaaan't coooooooooooooooope.
Weeeeee heeeeaaarrd youuuuu the fiiiiiiirst tiiiiiiime.
    Like payin' my rent
    and payin' my bills
    I rather take PILLS
Like XTC and Valium, the pills you took before singing this tripe?
    Lie down and take a long rest
    or just a long trip
How about both? Out of CRACK again?
    Sometiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimes
    I just can't fucking cooooooooope
HEY! This is a family board, missy! If you were here right now, I'd personally take a stick of Lever 2000 and wash that dirty tongue!
    ( Bridge. Now, Kari goes into OZZY mode )

    Cause you take me for a riiiiiide

I did not... have... transportational relations with that woman... Ms. Wuhrer.
    And you teach me to be bliiiiiind.
But you're making me deaf, so we're even.
    You infiltrate my eeeeeeyes.
Ew!
    Is it wrong or is it riiiiiiight?
:-| .... <Jeopardy music plays>
    ( Repeat Verse One )
    ( Repeat bridge )
    ( Wash )
    ( Rinse )
    ( Repeat )
Just one more song to go, so bear with me ya'll. Now, it's time for me to take a long rest... or maybe a long trip. DAMMIT! >:-(