SL4: I'm going to Boston in March to do some work on the USS Salem-.

TBH: Fascinating, I'm sure. Well, we got by without you.

SL4: Yeah, I heard that Recall317-.

TBH: Oh, hi Henry! What's shaking?

HTWD: So how about them Bears, eh? The Eagles have bearshit all the way up to their knees from where they shoved their legs up the Bears-.

TBH: So, this ep we're riffing really sucks, eh?

SL4: Why are you interrupting everyone, you mendicant?

TBH: I took The Seer's "Foreseeing the Future" correspondence course so now I know everything everyone is going to say before they even finish! And it's boring to wait through what I already know is going to be said, so I skip ahead to the next comment or question. It makes conversing so much faster and more efficient!

SL4: You can see the future and all you're using it for is to speed up conversation?

TBH: Look, conversing or otherwise interacting with other human beings is hideously tedious. I'll do anything I can to get it over with quicker!

SL4: Then foresee what I'm getting ready to say. You're a-.

TBH: Good gravy! All that???

SL4: And you-.

TBH: I'll have you know I've NEVER done that!

SL4: And then you and two dingos-.

TBH: I can't afford to fly around the world! Oh, oh, I see. I misunderstood for a second. My mistake.

SL4: And then you and SpaceTime-.

TBH: <rushing away> : I think I'm going to throw up.

HTWD: You sure fixed his little red-.

SL4: Let's go riff.

The Seer - Part IX

REMBRANDT: Last chance to get off.

SL4: So that's why Mallory is rushing to the bathroom with a National Geographic magazine.

The others just look back at Rembrandt and shake their heads.

TBH: They shake their own heads or each others? It's not very clear.

They're determined to do this.

HTWD: No matter how much they die on the next world!

REMBRANDT: All right then... three, two, one.

SL4: ...and it's time for a cinnamon bun.
One, two three...
I'm taking all buns with me.

He keys the timer. The VORTEX FORMS. Rembrandt takes Maggie's hand.

TBH: This way he can throw her in front of the semi rushing towards the vortex on the next world.

The two of them take a running leap toward the Vortex, jump and... BOUNCE OFF IT,

HTWD: Damn the Kromagg Vortex condoms!!

crashing back down onto the alley floor.

SL4: Alleys have floors?????

Mallory sees this. He decides to try.

TBH: So is this ego or stupidity? You be the judge.

He breaks into a faster more determined run. He jumps and bounces off as well.

TBH: <mimicking Mallory> : Ow! I thought that if I was more determined I would get through!

They watch the VORTEX CLOSE, totally stunned.

HTWD: They're stunned because it was only open for 15 seconds instead of the usual 10 minutes.

DIANA: Looks like we don't have any choice in the matter. We're stuck here.

SL4: Hey, did Daedalus give up when he was stuck on Crete? NO! Dude made wings from feathers and wax!

TBH: And got his son killed, the idiot.

SL4: My point is, never give up! Start looking for some feathers! Being defeatist never solved anything!

Off their reactions we...

TBH: Marvel at the fact that this is ONLY the end of Act Two!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

32 EXT. AN ALLEY - DAY 32
As our heroes are recovering from their aborted slide.

HTWD: Those sissies need to recover from that light fall to the alley "floor" ? They need to start working out!

Diana pulls out the PDL and runs some numbers.

TBH: <mimicking Diana> : Okay, if I run at a steady 10mph, I can outdistance everyone in 7 minutes and finally be rid of these losers!

MAGGIE: What the hell happened?

SL4: Oppsie! Maggie said a Wirty Dord!

DIANA: I'm not sure yet.

TBH: So tell me again why the goons were necessary if the Magg Condom was in place?

MALLORY: Please don't tell me we're stranded here for twenty-nine years.

HTWD: Why would you be stranded there? Sliders hasn't followed continuity in 3 seasons!

REMBRANDT: You were wondering why they didn't come after us. Maybe they didn't need to.

TBH: Then why the >:-#-ing goons in the first place!!!

Peckinballs: <from the hallway> : So the audience would be tricked into thinking there was some suspense taking place!!!

MALLORY: You're saying someone purposely stopped us from leaving.

HTWD: Gee whiz, what an idea. There's no one in this hideous ep with a motive for doing THAT.

REMBRANDT: Think about it. Thousand dollar a plate meals, personal appearances. A lot of cash stands to be made if we stick around.

SL4: ROTF!!! He actually has to spell it out for these morons!!!! Okay, while we're all here and spelling out the obvious ... Maggie, Mallory, people want money so that they can "buy things."

MAGGIE: Assuming they can stop the slide,

TBH: What do you mean "assuming" ??? You still have the taste of the alley "floor" on your lips!!! Of COURSE they can stop the Slide!

MAGGIE: do you think someone would actually stoop that low just to make money off us?

HTWD: What are you talking about? Some people would slap their own momma for five dollars! For as much money as you can make her, Claire would have sex with a bull moose or worse, Adam Sandler!

REMBRANDT: You've obviously never had an agent.

SL4: LOL! This might be the only amusing line in season 5! Thanks for the setup, Maggie.

DIANA (still reading PDL) : It seems that there was some kind of force field blocking the wormhole entrance.

TBH: No >:-#??????

MALLORY: Somebody capped it?

HTWD: No, no one put a Steelers cap on the vortex, you moron.

DIANA: Basically, yes. But what makes this really strange is that the timer is ticking down again, from three days this time. Whatever blocked us somehow reset the cycle.

SL4: OH. MY. GOD. This is the best they can do? "Somehow reset the cycle" ??? So this Magg device can change the laws of quantum physics?

TBH: This is ALMOST as lame as Superman flying really fast around the Earth to reverse its rotation and send everyone back in time.

MAGGIE: Meaning we may have another shot.

HTWD: Of course! What makes this lameness even worse is that they don't even USE the next Sliding window! So this whole stupid "resetting the cycle" crap was unnecessary! It would have been far more dramatic for them to think they were stuck there 29 years!

DIANA: Maybe, unless we run into that force field again.

SL4: Hey, you know the rules. NO unprotected Sliding!

REMBRANDT: I think I know who's responsible.

TBH: You THINK?????

REMBRANDT: Time to have some blunt conversation with him.

HTWD: He knew you would want this, so he just took off for Hawaii for two weeks.

As they move off we...

SL4: ...wonder if this hell will ever end.

CUT TO:

33 INT. THE SEER'S HOME - STUDY - DAY 33
The Seer is standing before his easel. In sort of a trancelike daze,

TBH: This scriptwriter is so specific and precise in his language! He really lets the director know what he wants! Sort of.

SL4: I've been in "sort of" a trancelike daze since this ep started.

he's putting the finishing touches on his latest painting. It is, of course, of the Sliders.

HTWD: Of course! I was expecting it to be Talking Weasels with funny hats, personally.

A COMMOTION is heard from the hall.

TBH: <mimicking drunk redneck> : I want to see The Seer NOW! I want to know if Mallory is ever going to "get some" from Maggie! I bet someone my Elvis bottle cap collection that he wasn't and I want to know if I should take off for Alaska with them bottle caps! I CAN'T LOSE THEM CAPS!!! LEMME IN TO SEE HIM! *HELP! THEY'RE THROWING TV REMOTES AT ME!*

REMBRANDT'S VOICE: I don't care what he's doing. We need to see him. Now!

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : Oh, well, why didn't you tell me before? I DO care if he is having sex with a Wookie. Ick! We'll wait.

The Seer looks over to see the Sliders enter, preceded by a harried looking maid.

HTWD: Oh, Remmy's a tough guy! Getting loud with the woman who cleans The Seer's toilets. My hero!

THE SEER (to the maid) : It's all right, Martha, I'm finished.

SL4: You're finished all right. A maid named "Martha" ? Is his butler named "Jim Bob" ?

THE SEER (to Sliders) : There you are, my friends. I must admit, you left me with a considerable amount of egg on my face today.

TBH: I hate to say this, but that wasn't egg. You got hosed BIG TIME! :-D

THE SEER: Why did you leave us?

HTWD: Are my ears deceiving me? Mr. Omnipotent is asking them a question?

MALLORY: We suddenly remembered we left the iron plugged in.

ALL: ARRRRRRRGHH!!!!! <reaching for barf bags>

TBH: >:-#!!! Henry! You're supposed to prescreen this crap and warn us when he's about to say something retarded!

HTWD: Damn. I dropped the ball on that one. We were totally ambushed without warning.

The Seer just lets out a chuckle.

SL4: The Seer thought that was funny!?!?!?!? So HE'S the one keeping "King of Queens" on the air!

THE SEER: Just the kind of brash spirit that has inspired us so.

TBH: So they're an entire planet of humorless numskulls.

THE SEER (refers to painting) : Do you like it? It's the vision I had of your arrival here.

HTWD: I don't think you have Mallory's vacant eyes right. Try more red.

REMBRANDT: Yeah, lovely. Now conjure up a vision of us leaving.

SL4: When did Remmy become Shaft Light?

TBH: I think the Magg torture did it to him.

The Seer doesn't seem to have heard Remmy. He's rapt by the painting.

HTWD: "He's rapt" ??? Not only is the scriptwriter inventing new levels of pain, he's inventing new ways to use the English language. Versatile guy!

THE SEER: It's something new. You see, before you arrived I never could have a vision in this dimension. I must have some kind of direct psychic connection with you.

SL4: That's the best definition of hell on Earth I can imagine.

MALLORY: Well, you have to break it.

TBH: Watch Mallory descend to new levels or stupidity!! Hey Mal, his psychic connection with you is not keeping you here. It is irrelevant. The force field is keeping you here.

DIANA: Turn off your force field so we can slide out of here.

HTWD: Man, even Diana is getting loud in this ep! I think I'm aroused.

THE SEER: But Claire told me you were going to stay.

SL4: But then Claire also told me that Mallory put the blast on her, so how much can I believe what she says?

MAGGIE: We never told her that.

TBH: How do you know? You were neck deep in that line of >:-# you were feeding Mrs. Mallory all evening.

DIANA: The only thing keeping us here is that force field you put over the wormhole.

SL4: It's time once again for Riff It Yourself! Put in your own caustic comment, observation, or snappy riff and see how you stack up with the other viewers! Special bonus points for multiple entries!

TBH: Jesus, I'm still recovering from that Mallory "joke." I need to go lie down.