SL4: Jealousy doesn't become you.

HTWD: I'm not jealous of that crap you call fan fiction! Satan's left testicle could write funnier stuff!

SL4: I don't see you writing anything, Critic Boy.

HTWD: It just so happens that I've got something right here. It's a sonnet entitled "Peckinballs is a horse's ASS." <clearing throat>

Sing with me now, accompany me with a 700 piece band of brass...
Sing about the one who is a gigantic, galaxy sized horse's ASS.

There are many people who approach horse assness, Adam Sandler, Tom Green...
Bryant Dumbell, Silas, Jon Don Baker, Chris Carter, and the horrid Knick sucking, Mike Breen.

But there is only one person who wins that special chocolate colored, oval shaped, puckered prize...
That I am talking about a drooling, flat brain panned, cross eyed, blue lipped moron named Peckinballs is no surprise!

SL4: That's not a sonnet! And if you wanna call it a poem or song, the syllables in the rhyming lines aren't even close to each other, for one thing.

HTWD: I didn't see one insult I could take out.

SL4: That was doggerel.

Winnie: <from hallway> : Ha ha ha ha ha!! You may live!!!

Guest Star Profile

Name: Jennifer Hetrick

Role(s): Claire LeBeau and Caroline Fontaine

Appeared in: "The Seer" and "Last Days"

Distinguishing Characteristics: So lacking in femininity she could drain the lust from a 15 year old boy pumped full of a gallon of Viagra from fifty paces away.

Acting Ability Rank: 1,345,124 (36 ahead of O.J. Simpson, 234 below William Shatner)

Bent over the Guest Star Profile gurney today for our inspection is Jennifer Hetrick, who did her best to muck up the fantastic ep "Last Days" as Caroline Fontaine but truly submerged to new levels of suckiness as Claire LeBeau. Before we look at how stunningly crappy she was in her Sliders appearances, let us put on our miner's helmets and probe her career. Be careful where you step, though, there are several steaming piles you really don't want on your shoes.

Golly gee, where do we start? Perhaps with the two short lived TV series she "starred" in during the early 90's. "Civil Wars" lasted 36 episodes and its episode titles were not only the most mind numbingly HORRID "things" (to call them puns would be giving them too much of a compliment) but actually a better example of writing than the rest of the scripts were. Oh, you don't believe me? HUH??? You think Sliders episodes had horrible titles? All right, try these episode titles on for size! "Have Gun, Will Unravel," "For Better Or Perverse," "Pro Se Can You See," "His Honor's Offer," "Whippet 'Til It Breaks," "Tape Fear," "Chute First, Ask Questions Later," "Denise And De Nuptials," "Till Debt Do Us Part," "The Naked And The Wed," "Grin And Bare It," "Oboe Phobia," "Drone Of Arc," "A Bus Named Desire," "A Partridge In A Pair's Tree," "Dances With Sharks," and, I swear to God, "Watt, Me Worry?"

Let us not forget titles like "Captain Kangaroo Court" and "Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense." Suddenly, I feel a strong desire to stop making fun of "Slide Like an Egyptian." Ernest Hemingway is spinning in his grave faster than my blender ten minutes after I get home from the grocery store if he knows his daughter Mariel was in this horrid series. Sometimes being dead is a blessing.

Jennifer's other TV series had a shorter run than "Get a Life." It was called "Bodies of Evidence," lasted only 16 eps, and almost destroyed George Clooney's career. This series also revealed how desperate ten years of oblivion had made Lee Horsley for him to have accepted a role in it.

Since hiring Jennifer Hetrick full time was obviously a quick and easy way to get your series canceled, TV series producers tried her as a guest star. Two appearances as the hideously annoying Vash on Star Trek TNG and it was all downhill from there. A third appearance as Vash on DS9 portended that series' eventual demise. "Jake and the Fatman" lasted only five more episodes after she sank to a new low as Mrs. Scanton. "Beverly Hills 90210" limped along for another couple years before dying after her sluttish appearance as Kim. "Brooklyn South" lasted another 11 eps after Jennifer stank up the joint as Miss Wilcox before it was mercifully canceled. Want Jennifer Hetrick to play Gayle Wheeler in "Diagnosis Murder" ? Here's your cancellation slip. And I would be remiss if I didn't mention that "The Seer" was the last episode of Sliders. Of ALL the TV series Jennifer has guest starred in, only "The X-Files" is still alive.

If you call that living.

Obviously she is the Typhoid Mary of guest stars. I would go into her illustrious movie career but it begins and ends with the 1979 battle of the sexes softball movie "Squeeze Play" that is ALMOST as devoid of plot or acting as it is taste. Don't ask me about her TV movie roles. She appeared in some, but none of them are available on video and I was busy watching "Hong Kong Phooey" reruns when her horrid movies originally aired. But the fact that NONE of her TV movies are available on video (while the TV movies made about Amy Fisher ARE) is pretty damning.

So this is a brief overview of Jennifer Hetrick's career. How did she perform in the two Sliders eps she appeared in? She made so little of an impression on me in "Last Days" that when she appeared in "The Seer" the first time I didn't say "Hey! She played Caroline Fontaine in Last Days!" Actually, my initial reaction was "Hey! She played the woman Walter Skinner dumped so he could hose Samantha Carter of SG1!!" Then I argued with the other people I was watching it with that Skinner rocks harder than MacGuyver since it took Skinner 2 minutes to get Carter in bed and Jack O'Neal hasn't been able to play "hide the meat weasel" with her in five seasons. Her performance in "Last Days" is best described as "Disappearing Acting" because (like disappearing ink) any impression she makes fades quicker than Regis Philbin's popularity.

Unfortunately, her performance in "The Seer" is more memorable because it is far worse. Even KARI WUHRER's Checkers style speech to comfort Quinn's mother in this ep was more believable than Claire being evil and menacing. Jennifer was so inept that I've invented a new drinking game. Pick an emotion! Anger, grief, sadness, it doesn't matter. Pick one and every time you see that emotion presented believably by Claire in "The Seer" you must take a drink of 200 proof hooch. If you don't want to get drunk, this is the drinking game for you! The Pope could play this drinking game and be in no danger of sinful liquor EVER passing through his lips.

I've seen evil. Anthony Hopkins can play evil. Hell, even JOC can play evil, though not intentionally. But Jennifer gave us evil like I give you serious prose. Reluctantly, grudgingly, and incompetently. The most evil thing Jennifer did was smile and reveal her ghastly grill. In this day and age, that's no longer good enough. We like our evil to be more than a snippy attitude and vague lip curls.

One more thing, Jennifer. Do me a favor and keep your TV series murdering ASS away from the rest of the shows I love!!!

The Seer - Part VI

The door opens and the exhausted Sliders enter. Maggie seems distant, pensive.

SL4: That's better than up close and enraged I guess.

TBH: I prefer her prone and submissive.

HTWD: I prefer her supine and presenting.

MALLORY: Ironic, isn't it? We finally land on a world where people love us and we're running away.

TBH: I wish more than one person in ten knew what the hell the word "ironic" actually meant! Everything is ironic! <mimicking coked up, shrill, old-boyfriend-scarred singer> "It's like RAAAAAAAAA-E-AAAAN, on your wedding day! Isn't it ironic?" The only thing ironic would be you writing a song called "your 15 minutes are UP, buddy" !!!! Rain on your wedding day wouldn't be ironic, it'd be proof that God EXISTS!

REMBRANDT: I don't want to be loved like that.

HTWD: The last time he said that was when his girlfriend climbed in bed with a bag of uncooked carrots.

Diana has the timer, checks it.

SL4: SL4ever has PIE, eats it.

TBH: This is called script padding, folks. It would have been a lot more efficient to add this with the next line and say:
DIANA <checking timer> : Well in a few ...

DIANA: Well in a few hours we'll be able to slide right out of here.

TBH: I hope the taxpayers didn't foot the bill for any of her PHD education! "Slide right out of here?" Is this a Hee Haw/ Sliders crossover? "Fetch me my grits and timer, girl! Get your bottom right out here!"

MAGGIE: And into what?

HTWD: Ah. She used extraneous English to set up this comeback. If Diana had said "Slide away" or "Slide out of here" she would have sounded normal but not set up Maggie as well. Pay attention, this is writing genius at work.

No one has an answer for that.

SL4: Maggie should have said "and right into what?" and maybe someone would have had a comeback!

There is a knock at the door.

Rembrandt crosses and opens the door. There stands Mrs. Mallory.

TBH: <leafing though "Time's Arrows" by Richard Morris> : I can riff this ep on one quarter brain power and use the rest of my brain for this book. "There stands Mrs. Mallory" ????? Did Al Gore write this page of the script? The writing is more wooden than the Trojan Horse's ASS!

MRS. MALLORY: I... I don't mean to intrude. But you left so suddenly.

HTWD: You had been escorted away, how do you know when they left or how suddenly?

Remmy is quick to accommodate, as if he understands her pain.

SL4: He has no clue what pain is! Try watching this ep in slow motion like we're doing!

REMBRANDT: It's no intrusion. You're welcome here.

HTWD: That's a come-on line if I've ever heard one.

She enters and looks at the Sliders, especially at Mallory. He's not happy to see her. Mrs. Mallory seems more lucid than before.

TBH: So this is her when she's lucid. Remind me to never get her drunk.

MRS. MALLORY: I'm sorry I reacted the way I did.

HTWD: How else did you react other than the way you did? Script by Extraneous Jones. If you pay per word, he is your MAN!

MRS. MALLORY: It's just, when I saw you... (she crosses to Mallory) I just have to know.

SL4: Yep, she's as lucid as Damron's journal entries, all right.

Mallory is beginning to get annoyed.

TBH: Now see, MALLORY being annoyed by someone else ... THAT'S what is known as irony! :-P

MALLORY (firm) : I told you. I'm not your son.

HTWD: She can see that, moron! Are you laboring under the illusion you look ANYTHING like JOC??? If you were bending over you'd look more like his face!

MRS. MALLORY: I understand.

HTWD: See, even Lucid Girl here knows you look nothing like him.

MRS. MALLORY: But is my son still alive? Is any part of him still there?

SL4: Only his capacity to deeply wound the women who love him.

MALLORY: No.

SL4: I rest my case.

Maggie steps in and fires a "shame on you" look at Mallory.

TBH: When the Queen of Shame gives you that look ...

MAGGIE: I think I need to talk to her alone. Why don't you guys go down to the bar.

HTWD: I want this to be a pig free conversation.

Rembrandt understands, nods, and gestures to Diana and Mallory. They exit.

SL4: She said "guys" !!! Why is Diana going... Oh ... I see...

Maggie turns back to Mrs. Mallory.

MAGGIE: Why don't we sit down?

TBH: Mrs. Mallory can't sit, Mallory just cut the knees from under her.

They sit on the sofa.

MAGGIE: Well, mom... um... Mrs. Mallory.

HTWD: She's being counseled by a moron who can't even remember if Mrs. Mallory is her mother or not!

MAGGIE (where to begin) : I once had an uncle

SL4: Oh Jesus God. They're not making up >:-# in the last episode to use as the Obligatory Lame Grief Consolation Story are they? This is the woman who sang "Tight Pants" !!!!!!!!!!!! Projectionist! Start at the top!

MAGGIE: I once had an uncle

SL4: No you didn't, you lying tramp.

MAGGIE: who was more like a father than, well, my father.

TBH: Because your father was a rooster salesman who spent all his time on the road taking comfort from his meaningless life and miserable family in the breasts of chickens.

MAGGIE: He was killed in a car accident.

HTWD: Never drive and choke a chicken at the same time!

MAGGIE: He was a strong, healthy man.

SL4: Not anymore he's not.

MAGGIE: So my aunt decided to donate his organs to people who needed them.

TBH: As opposed to people who didn't need them and would just use them for door stops and dog treats.

HTWD: Yummy.

MAGGIE: I had lost my uncle but I always felt that, through other people, he was able to live.

HTWD: So you're saying that Mallory needed a personality transplant and Quinn provided it?

MAGGIE (beat) : Does this make sense?

SL4: It makes about as much sense as RandomJudgement's inarticulate, horrendously misspelled, 2am syphilitic ramblings.