TBH: Hey! What's that on his face???

HTWD: It's an alien! <sniffs> No! It's a gray/brown hamster attacking his face!

TBH: Get it!

"What the-."

"AHHHH! Grab it off him!"

"Ow!"

"Hold him down! Stop thrashing, SL4y! It has control of his mind, hold him down so it can't make him fight us off!"

"OW! OW! Stop it!"

ThomasMalthus: <passing by hall doorway, noticing commotion.> : What's happening?

"He has an alien sucking his face off! Help us!"

<TM runs in and leaps on the pile>

"OW! OWWWW!"

"Snatch it! Rip it off!"

"Yeah, get that chair over here! HIT IT!!"

BAM BAM BAM!

"OW!"

SNATCH! RIP! BAM!

"Yeah! Hit it again!"

"I got a hold of it, help me rip it off!!"

"I just ripped the toilet seat cover off, make way, I'm a gonna bash it!"

IHK: <from doorway> : Oooo, a fray! COME ON, PEOPLE, THERE'S A FRAY IN HERE!" <runs in> YEA-HA!!!

<Blinker, MSR, Chaser, Brand_S, and DMD run in and jump on>

"OWWWW!"

SNATCH!!! "GOT IT!!! YEAH!!!"

<TBH, DMD, Brand_S, HTWD, IHK, TM, Chaser, MSR, and Blinker dance together arm and arm, waving something that looks like a gray, brown, and red furry dishrag over their heads and sing in unison.> : We got the alien! We got the hamster! We rock! We rock!

TBH: <mimicking Tom Hanks> : I have snatched the alien hybrid hamster!  I, I have done this! I have SNATCHED it!

SL4: <getting up> : Um, guys?

ALL: Yes?

SL4: That was my <heinously awful curse word deleted> BEARD!!!!

TBH: Oh. Here, you can have it back.

SL4: <taking beard> : Thanks. Let's riff.

The Seer - Part IV

We see a graphic spiral in -- THE SLIDERS. Then we...

SL4: ... reach for our vomit bags.

CUT TO:
11 INT. CHANDLER SUITE - BEDROOM - DAY 11
reveal that Mallory and Diana are seated on the bed

TBH: Locked in a torrid embrace until they remember that they really annoy each other.

Actually watching a show about themselves on TV. Maggie is on the floor at the foot of the bed.

HTWD: So they're "actually" watching it, eh? As opposed to what?

TV VOICE (V.O.): What if you found a portal to a parallel universe?

SL4: Don't bring along snippy friends, whiny lounge singers, and pompous windbags whose ego is exceeded only by their girth.

TBH: I'd much rather have them along than a submoronic pretty boy whose sense of humor is more feeble than Andrew Dice Clay's.

SL4: Mallory IS pretty annoying, isn't he?

TBH: I was talking about YOU.

SL4: <mimicking Sandra Bullock> : You think I'm pretty. You. Want. To. Kiss. Me. :-*

HTWD: Okay, I'm scared now.

TV Voice: What if you could slide to a thousand different worlds?

TBH: For the love of GOD don't got to any that air "Friends" !

Diana mutes the audio.

HTWD: Thanks for giving me the idea. <reaches for remote>

DIANA: I can't believe they made a TV show about us.

SL4: What's so shocking? They made a show about guys chained to the a woman where she has to pick which one she wants to date! They made a show about a mother returning as a freaking CAR! THEY MADE A SHOW WHERE JAN MICHAEL VINCENT, WHO IS A BIGGER >:-# THAN JIMMY CARTER, IS A BIG MEAN TOUGH GUY!!!! I'm not surprised by any >:-# they put on the air these days. >:-#

MALLORY: I think as a general pan-dimensional rule all Diana Davises should stick to science and stay out of showbiz.

TBH: No doubt. Her acting was worse than yours, and THAT'S saying something! Remember that fake assed lame crying he did in "Requiem" ? A kid they pulled off the street to do a weenie commercial could cry on call better.

HTWD: Pan-dimensional? That should be in Blinker's glossary somewhere.

MAGGIE: They could have at least tried to be accurate. There were never five of us together at one time.

HTWD: Yeah, every time you brought someone along you murdered them with an ax before the next episode. I ran away when I saw you taking out Nick.

MALLORY (reading TV Guide) : It says here the episode is called 'Arturo's Return.' 'Tonight, this beloved character is back by popular demand.'

SL4: Since when did Sliders become a fantasy show? What's next, a plausible, palatable main character exit?

MALLORY (then) : See what a letter writing campaign can do?

Tigs: <from hallway> : Ha ha! The script writer is soooo punny!

MAGGIE: Some people have way too much time on their hands.

TBH: Don't you love it when Peckinbals speaks directly to the audience through a character?

REMBRANDT (O.S.) : Sliders, front and center!

HTWD: Awwww, but I wanna see some more of this guy who looks NOTHING like JRD! He's shorter than Tom Cruise, lumpy in places JRD NEVER was, and his mangy facial hair is the only thing on this planet that looks worse than the hamster attacking SL4y's face.

llA INT. CHANDLER SUITE - LIVING ROOM - DAY llA
Several fruit and flower baskets are placed at various spots throughout the room.

SL4: Oooooookay. Thanks for that stunning description of the room. I can picture it now.

Rembrandt is holding two cocktail dresses

TBH: Guys, which one of these makes my ass look fatter?

and two suits on hangers under plastic.

TBH: And for you two girls, personally autographed Annie Lennox suits.

He lays them over the back of the couch.

HTWD: What's UP with that? Did you grow up in a trailer??? Hang those >:-#-ers UP!!

As Maggie, Mallory and Diana enter...

SL4: ... Remmy jerks his hand back from inside one of the dresses.

REMBRANDT: They just dropped these off. Along with these fruit baskets,

TBH: <Mimicking Maggie> : Christoper Lowell was here! AHHHHHH! I love that guy!!

REMBRANDT: roses and...

HTWD: A VERY rude and hairy Spider Monkey. I don't know what THAT was all about!

He hands Maggie a letter. She looks it over.

SL4: Remmy, for the LAST TIME, I don't want to cosign your credit application!

REMBRANDT (continuing) : This marriage proposal for Maggie.

TBH: What kind of loser proposes by letter??? Was the skywriter and Stadium Big TV already taken?

MAGGIE: Did you get a financial statement?

SL4: <sniffing> : Why did they have to get all real on us all of the sudden? I was having a good time here.

MALLORY: Big lunchtime reception and royal treatment for just showing up. Doesn't get much better than this.

SL4: OH REALLY? Is there an all you can eat shrimp table???? A PIE rotisserie? Is there chocolate gravy??? IS THERE?????

TBH: Will Sabrina Lloyd be laying on a buffet table buck neekid with a 5th of Vodka in each hand?

HTWD: Will there be any hot Collies in heat???? WILL THERE????

SL4: It gets better, moron. But a free lunch is cool. :-P

REMBRANDT: This isn't about grabbing the spotlight. This is all business.

SL4: Yeah, the business of stuffing my face for FREE! >:-D

MAGGIE: First order of business, we play along with their hospitality...

SL4: Which means stuffing my face for FREE! >:-P

DIANA: While learning what we can about this world.

SL4: Fortunately chewing is the perfect activity while listening.

REMBRANDT: Second order, get our hands on that anti-'magg virus.

TBH: Just don't let Maggie touch it.

SL4: That was weak. You can do better than THAT.

TBH: Okay, okay, roll it again.

REMBRANDT: Second order, get our hands on that anti-'magg virus.

TBH: <mimicking Mallory> : Just don't let Maggie touch it.

SL4: Much better.

MALLORY: Then we're still planning on sliding out of here?

TBH: <mimicking Mallory> : I might actually be able to score on this world! Come on guys! You can't do this to me!

DIANA: I still don't know what brought us here

HTWD: I'm not a genius or have a PHD like you or anything but I think it was probably a wormhole created by your timer.

DIANA: but I can't find anything wrong with the timer. We should try again.

SL4: DEATH! DEATH! I have a hot cup of DEATH! Anyone want some?

TBH: <mimicking Diana> : We'll take four over here, please.

REMBRANDT: I've been thinking this over. There's no doubt that this Seer has the inside scoop on all of us.

HTWD: He's not the first person to have the inside scoop on Maggie.

REMBRADT: He's been right about the past. Could be right about the future.

SL4: Could be????? He had everyone waiting at the precise time and place you four arrived! I'd say that's a pretty good prediction!

MALLORY: You believe that guy's story?

SL4: Allow me to rephrase that. HE KNEW WHERE AND WHEN YOU FOUR WOULD SHOW UP, YOU SLOBBERING MORON!!! To say nothing of his paintings and all the books. How could you doubt it?

MAGGIE: How else do you explain the paintings?

TBH: Damn. When you need MAGGIE to shot holes in your doubt logic, it's time to stop being so cynical.

REMBRANDT: Right. So when it comes time to make the slide, I'll be the only one going.

HTWD: That way we can get rid of the last original actor.

MAGGIE: I don't think so.

SL4: You wouldn't be saying that if you'd seen the way he fondled your dress a minute ago.

DIANA: That's not a decision you can make on your own.

TBH: Hey, nobody complained when you decided by yourself that you were going to wear your hair like that.

REMBRANDT: Sure, it is. It's my world we're talking about here. I'm the only one who should take the risk. I figure if I survive, I'll come back for you.

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : And if I die I won't.

MAGGIE: And if you don't?

HTWD: You can have his Fat Albert Buffet points. He's only six points away from a free ham.

REMBRANDT: Then, the Seer will know what happens to me.

SL4: If I scream like a girl while the radiation mutants pull the flesh from my body in long strings, then I hope he edits that part out.

REMBRANDT: (beat) At least you'll be alive in a world where you're safe and welcome.

SL4: And the lunches are FREE. :-P~~~~~~~~

MALLORY: What happened to all your talk about teamwork? About how you can't slide and be a loner. Were you just wasting our time with all that?

TBH: What are you doing???? Don't you realize this is the only world in the multiverse where you might actually get laid????

Rembrandt softens.

SL4: I'm not surprised, the only women around are Maggie and Diana.

REMBRANDT: You mean you were actually listening?

TBH: Well, technically, Mallory isn't intelligent enough to learn by listening. It takes a rolled up newspaper, some food, an anal probe, and a blond bimbo to teach him anything.

DIANA: So was I. We all watch each others backs. That's what keeps us alive.

SL4: I think Remmy watching your back is why he's soft.

Rembrandt looks to Maggie who fires back a knowing glance.

HTWD: Don't you have to know something before you can give a "knowing glance" ?

MAGGIE: Don't look at me, pops. You raised them.

SL4: So if that was all she was going to say, what was the "knowing glance" about?

Remmy breaks into a very fake humorous cry.

TBH: Well, they got half of it right, it was very fake but not very humorous.

REMBRANDT: And I'm so proud, too.

HTWD: If I ran the risk of having THEM as children then I'm GLAD I was neutered. >:-I

The tension is officially broken. On to the matter at hand. Mallory picks up his suit and yanks off the plastic.

SL4: I can't wait until he finds out the entire suit is made of plastic.

12A EXT. THE CENTER - DAY 12A
A small group of Sliders' fans are at the front gate.

TBH: Hey! There's Temp! And Orangey! And Vortex! Hmmm, who's the goofy looking dude standing with them? Is that an alien/hamster hybrid sucking his face off?

A limousine pulls up to the gate. As it waits for the gate to open, the fans rush the car, flashing pictures. The car goes up the drive. The gates close, and the fans are shut out.

HTWD: I think that says it all. "The fans were shut out." That pretty much sums up this cliffhanger ending to the series.

13A INT. THE CENTER - FOYER 13A
The Sliders enter and are greeted by Claire.

TBH: <mimicking Claire>: Yo fellows, WAZZZZZZZZZUP? :-PPPPPPPPPPPPPP

We see some more Sliders paintings on the wall. There are several other guests there, chatting. We also may get our first look at two large security men - Attendants.

HTWD: So does the script writer have Tourette's writing syndrome? Just spitting out random words at the end of sentences. MORON!

TBH: I guess he is trying to say that they are dressed as attendants but are really security men. Bleu Cheese!

The_Seer: <coming in> : Mmmm, I like bleu cheese. Frogmortin!

DIANA (aside to Mallory) : I overheard someone say it's a thousand dollar a plate luncheon.

SL4: :-O That better be some FIRE meatloaf! I wouldn't pay for $1,000 for a meal unless the food gave me oral sex before I ate it ... of course, who would want to eat it after you ... um, you get the idea.

CLAIRE: It's a small occasion this afternoon. Just the members of the board, and some of our most faithful supporters.

TBH: Faithful RICH supporters, you mean.

Rembrandt reacts, suspiciously.

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : Hey! You're going to try to charge us for our plates, aren't you??

MAGGIE (sotto, to Diana) : Board of directors?

HTWD: Why am I not surprised Maggie doesn't know what a board of directors is?

The_Seer: She doesn't know what a director is.

REMBRANDT: Is this some kind of permanent fan club?

TS: We're still around two years after you got cancelled, aren't we? I'd call that permanent.

CLAIRE: You might call it that.

SL4: That's very helpful, since we "might" call anything anything. In fact, I might call you a -.

CLAIRE: As you can see, your adventures were a great inspiration to us all. Especially in our darkest of hours.

TBH: So the Sliders are flashlights? I'm confused.

CLAIRE: We've organized around that inspiration.

HTWD: I guess organizing around the inspiration provided by Matlock didn't work.

DIANA (whisper to Remmy) : I think you call it a cult.

TS: Is Claire deaf or dead? They're whispering and sotto voicing to each other left and right and she doesn't notice any of it.

Suddenly some things are falling into place.

SL4: Which is more than I can say for this plot.

Claire leads our people out of the foyer to...

SL4: ... the woodshed. <mimicking Remmy> This house is layed out really weird.

14 INT. BALLROOM - DAY 14
A cocktail reception going full tilt, in honor of the Sliders.

TBH: Which is fitting because you'd almost HAVE to be drunk to get through season 5.

There are chairs arranged at one end of the room. A cocktail Waiter promptly serves them each a drink as...

SpaceTime <from hallway> : ... a naked midget, bald as a cue ball, races through the room with the feather boa stuck in his ass swaying from side to side in mesmerizing fashion.

REMBRANDT (to Claire) : Listen, we need to talk...

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : Girl, you have GOT to do something about your B.O. Come on, lemme take you to the nearest water hose.

CLAIRE: Certainly. But first...

TBH: <mimicking Claire> : ... allow me to warn you that I am married. You can still hit on me and shore up my ego if you like, but don't get your hopes up.

Claire herds the group up to...

HTWD: ... Three mimes dressed as Britney Spears. Two of the mimes are choking the third one.

15 REMBRANDT BROWN #2 AND MAGGIE BECKETT #2 15
their duplicates. They are giddy, giggly, thrilled to be meeting the real deal. Of course, to our guys this is old hat. They try to be as polite as their patience will allow.

TBH: <mimicking Maggie #1> : Damn, ever since I gained weight every one of my doubles has also turned into a fatass. What an odd coincidence.

CLAIRE: Allow me to introduce your duplicates from our world.

TBH: <mimicking Claire> : Maggie, this our Maggie. On this world she is a brain surgeon who won the 50 million dollar jackpot last year and has been married to Mel Gibson for the last 15 years. Remmy, this is our Remmy, he's bigger than sex on this world, his records sell a million copies an hour.

The duplicates in turn grab Rembrandt's hand and give it a good hearty shake. Then the others.

REMBRANDT #2: A thrill, a real thrill.

SL4: He's thinking "THIS is the owner of the coattails I've been clinging to? >:-# I could take him."

MAGGIE #2: Absolutely, absolutely.

SL4: She's thinking "I look better than this >:-# TEE HEE"

CLAIRE (to Diana) : You may have already seen your duplicate. She stars in the TV show.

TS: So, did the owner of the world "double" sue Sliders and prevent them from ever using it again? They are bending over backwards to keep from doing so. Oh, and judging from the acting I saw, I think "stars" is a grossly inappropriate word.

DIANA (to duplicates) : You two don't act?

TBH: Boy did she hit the nail on the head!

TS: But she should look at the dailies before she starts throwing stones at other people's acting abilities.

MAGGIE #2 (with a wink) : More money in public appearances.

HTWD: So it's all about money, eh? >:-#, baby, you're sitting on a gold mine. Comere a sec, we'll talk.

MALLORY: What about my duplicate?

SL4: He died scuba diving after he confused a tank of laughing gas with a tank of oxygen.

CLAIRE: Sadly, Quinn Mallory never existed on our world.

The_Seer: That settles it, I'm moving to this world! Seeya later guys!

SL4: Bye. Enjoy the move.

MALLORY: Guess I'm one of a kind.

SL4: Thank God.

Rembrandt leads Claire off again, trying very desperately to corner and talk to her. Diana and Mallory follow.

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : I'm serious, your stench could make a maggot throw up.

MAGGIE (aside to duplicates) : You know, if we stay on this world, you guys are out of a job.

HTWD: <checks watch> : It's ironic you say that, Kari. Stick around for another 45 minutes and you'll be out of a job as well!

Suddenly those giddy gee whiz smiles completely dissipate as the idea connects.

SL4: They'll be okay, there's a Monster Truck Rally coming through town soon, that'll cheer them up.

Maggie follows the others, sporting a look of satisfaction.

TBH: <mimicking Maggie> : It's satisfying to be a spiteful tramp, ruining presumably good if shallow people's happiness for no apparent reason.

MAGGIE (sotto voce) : My work here is finished.

HTWD: What are you talking about? There's a man or two in this room you haven't put the blast on yet. Get back in there and finish your work!

a young man, early twenties, geeky, appears from the crowd.

SL4: Hey! A guy can be a rabid fan of this show without being a geek! <eyes shift>

CLAIRE: Oh, and this is Vernon. He's the El Segundo University Chapter president of the Four S Club.

TBH: Ah yes, the Four S Club. Sad Suckers Scammed by Sliders.

VERNON: The Seer's Students for Sliders Society.

HTWD: That's almost as lame as your guess.

TBH: Well, YOU come up with one then!

HTWD: Silly Sots Snookered by Sliders.

Andrew Dice Clay <from hallway> : Scummy Snotbags Smoking Schlongs.

SL4: You again? NO, I haven't seen your career! Look somewhere else! Get the smeg out!

The geek hands each of our people a business card.

TBH: <mimicking a whispering Maggie> : Remmy! He handed us Cheese Nips Proof of Purchases. Cover me, I'm going to head for the exit!

VERNON: You're all welcome to stop by the Four S Club any time.

HTWD: We'll show up if we need to causally use you.

This is getting too nutty.

SL4: Even the scriptwriter is rebelling against Peckinballs.

Rembrandt pulls Claire away again, finally getting her cornered.

REMBRANDT: Look, we appreciate the hospitality but we have to leave. We're sliding out in a few hours.

TBH: <mimicking Claire> : Are you carrying any family heirlooms or diaries you don't want to get vaporized along with your screaming thrashing corpses? I'll be happy to hold on to it for you.

CLAIRE: You can't. You heard what the Seer said. You'll be killed.

HTWD: Listen lady, if you had to travel with these three annoying numbskulls you'd be rushing toward your mortal coil's exit door as well!

MAGGIE: Maybe so, but we have to try. Now if you can just help us get our hands on that anti-Kromagg virus...

SL4: MAYBE?? Not to be repetitious, but dude is batting 1.000 so far. This is like saying "maybe a truck will hit me if I leap in front of one at the last second."

A HUSH befalls the room. Now what? The Sliders look up to see the crowd part. A Woman, fifties, a blank almost lost look on her face.

TBH: Oh, well that last part cinches it, that must be Peckinballs in drag.

She locks her gaze on Mallory and starts to move toward him. The woman walks straight up to him. She cups his face in her hands and looks deeply into his eyes.

HTWD: See? I TOLD you that you were bound to get laid on this world! She's old and looks some fish short of a tuna fish sandwich, but I didn't promise quality!

Rembrandt and Maggie react -- shock of recognition.

MALLORY: Excuse me... who are you?

SL4: That's the "Mallory, The Grand Mac Daddy!" I know and love. A strange woman comes up and snatches his head and looks deeply into his eyes and he's all about "WHO ARE YOU??? And oh, btw, F you."

Maggie crosses to Mallory's side.

TBH: They make her sound like she's fording a river. Stage directions by Lewis and Clark.

MAGGIE (carefully) : She's your mother.

HTWD: I can understand his confusion, with all the actress switches.

TBH: Why can't it ever be Arturo's mother? Why does it always have to be Quinn's?

SL4: Man, can you imagine Arturo's mother? Jesus God Almighty! I think our next host segment will be the parents of the rest of the Sliders. Just thinking about Maggie's parents has me in stitches.

Off his reaction we...

TBH: ... marvel at Floyd's incompetence as an actor. That reaction conveyed that he'd just finished eating cabbage, radishes, and beans.

FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE

HTWD: Thank God! It seems like we've been doing ACT ONE for three months! <eyes shift>