TBH: Will you just tell him to hurry up and let Darkslider finish trashing him so we can finish this >:-#-ed movie!HTWD: I'll see what I can do.
SL4: <from doorway> : It's nice to know that I can always rely on my friends to be supportive of me no matter what.
TBH: Awww, what's the matter? I thought you were all this Gang of One and >:-#. We saw where you said you didn't need friends!
SL4: I didn't mean -.
HTWD: <paw dramatically at forehead>: Oh, the cold knife of betrayal! What is this I feel prickling my back? Is it finally, as I always knew it would be, the dagger wielded by one who swore eternal friendship?
SL4: Jesus Christ you two. How about I buy a round of banana crème PIEs at the Seer wrapup dinner party?
HTWD: Mmmmmm, two banana crème PIEs sounds fab! :-P
SL4: I said ONE round.
<HTWD starts to raise paw to forehead again>
SL4: Okay, okay! Anything but more of that >:-#!!!
TBH: <tapping fingers together> : Ex-PIE-lent!
SL4: And now, without further ado, Slide and the Blinker Stone!!!!Blinker: <half of face covered in a tattoo of the Trix bunny, wearing tight spandex and underarm hair dyed neon green>: This one goes out to the Hate Of My Life, Peckinballs!!
o/` Perish! Perish!
So tired of this Peckinballs farce,
And watching eps that make me wanna barf.
I take a chance in telling you.
I want more than just revenge.
Hating you is my destiny, I can't let go, can't you see?
Stupiiiiid, please crawl in hole and DIE!
Chorus:
I cherish the thought
Of always knowing you died (oh baby I)
Cherish the joy
Of the thought of you ending your life (I'm always singing it)
Perish, you 7>:-#
You got the power to make me feel good (and if you)
Perish and I will!
Blinker: I'll have another one over the end credits.
<Complete silence>
TBH: Um, I'm scared.
SL4: You sound ... angry.
BLK: Hey, this is the final ep, the monument to all the indignation suffered by Sliders fans the previous three seasons. All hardened Sliders veterans who endured it all are barely suppressing their King Kongish rage on a day by day basis.
CLAIRE: The 'maggs left us a very nice prison complete with some of their rather grim torture devices.
SL4: We've come a long way from Season 1, haven't we? Can you imagine a line like that directed at the Sliders in the first season?
Remmy reacts to that.
TBH: <mimicking Remmy>: That's cold, baby. Why don't we just go out and have a salad or something?
As the Attendants close on them, he's looking around for something to serve as a weapon.
HTWD: Use Mallory's head, he's not using it.
MALLORY: What about me? I don't have a duplicate.
SL4: Potted plant, man! We already thought it through!
CLAIRE: We'll concoct some cover story. I'll talk to the TV writers. They're hacks and will do anything for a buck.
TBH: <mimicking Peckinballs> "I don't get it." <mimicking Scriptwriter> "This is another 'in-joke.'" <MP> "I don't get it." <MS> "See, I'M a TV writer! So since I am the one writing this line, that makes it funny! If someone else had written it then it wouldn't be funny, it'd be a insult." <MP> "But whoever writes dialogue for a TV script immediately becomes a TV scriptwriter by that very action, so I still don't get it." <MS> "I can't believe my logic just got trumped by YOU."
The Seer enters.
TIP: <from doorway> : How many people saw THIS coming? HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
BLK: <raising guitar menacingly> : GET OUT!!
THE SEER: Daughter, what is the meaning of this?
HTWD: Does he even KNOW his daughter's name?
But he already knows.
SL4: Nothing worse than a redundant psychic.
CLAIRE: Father, you shouldn't be here. You're not well.
TBH: <mimicking The Seer> : Daughter, you shouldn't be here either. Nobody will buy you as a villain.
THE SEER: What I see here makes me feel even worse.
HTWD: Why? She is not any more repulsive looking than usual.
THE SEER: What have you done to my work?
SL4: More importantly, how could she be evil without YOU of all people knowing about it?
CLAIRE: I've followed your example, of course.
TBH: She's beginning to rival Hilary Clinton as Queen of De-Nile.
THE SEER: No, I never deceived our followers. And I certainly never turned to murder.
HTWD: You're going to be in the longest Time Out of your life if you murder them!!!
CLAIRE (to Attendant) : Take him home.
SL4: Or what? You'll shoot him?
As the Attendant holsters his pistol and crosses toward the Seer, Rembrandt grabs a long tube from a table and jams it into the Attendant's chest. The Attendant reacts to a 10,000 volt shock, and drops to the floor.
TBH: Man, the Kromagg power bill must have been out of sight!
SL4: Can you imagine how pissed they'd be if a rolling blackout hit during one of their torture sessions?
At the same instant, Maggie and Mallory jump the other Attendant and disarm him.
HTWD: Hey Superman!
Superman: <from hallway> : Yep.
HTWD: How could two people take a GUN from a man he was HOLDING ON THEM without either of them getting shot or him even having time to get even a single shot off?
Superman: Um, one of them would pretty much have to be me.
TBH: Maybe they were the same distance apart from each other as they rushed him and he couldn't decide which one to shoot.
Rembrandt picks up the dropped pistol and holds it on Claire.
TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : MWA-HA-HA-HA!!! Who's the evil villainess now? Huh? Huh? Oh, wait a minute...
The others look at Rembrandt.
HTWD: Wow! Look at him! Remember when he just used to wear a loud suit and be the comic relief?
MALLORY: How did you know what that was?
SL4: So this is why Remmy is constantly mentioning his time as a Kromagg prisoner. Mallory can never remember!
REMBRANDT: I've been on the business end of one of these a few times.
TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : Come here, I wanna show you how it works. Just hope I don't flash back to one of your "jokes" while I do.
He throws it away.
HTWD: Be sure not to take ANY kind of self defense weapon back to Earth Prime with you.
MAGGIE (to Diana, re: the transporter) : Do you think you can get that sliding machine up and running?
SL4: Make up your minds! Is it a transporter or a sliding machine?
Diana crosses to the machine, takes out her PDL and goes to work.
TBH: <mimicking Diana muttering> : I'm getting tired of that snippy little thang ordering me around!
DIANA: I'll give it my best shot.
TBH: <mimicking Diana muttering> : I'll give you a shot, alright. Lemme borrow one of those guns.
MALLORY (re: Claire and the Attendants)
HTWD: When the hell did a script become email? What's with all this "re:" crap????
MALLORY: What about them?
SL4: What about them? They've been vanquished, they no longer exist.
REMBRANDT: Why don't you find them a nice room in cold storage.
TBH: Maybe the Kromaggs have a nice James Bond creative death room you can put them in for our amusement.
Mallory grins and gestures toward the fallen Attendant. The other Attendant crosses to him, grabs his arms and starts to drag him toward the door. Mallory gestures with the gun he took from the second Attendant, and Claire starts for the door following her Attendants. At the door she turns to the Seer.
TBH: <mimicking Claire> : Are you still buying me that puppy for Christmas Daddy???
CLAIRE: You've betrayed everything we worked for.
HTWD: Is it possible for someone being betrayed to betray back by thwarting the betrayal? My head hurts.
And she's gone. Mallory and Maggie follow to take them to the prison.
SL4: Don't drop the soap! Heh heh, gotta love the classics.
TBH: Shut up.
ANGLE ON DIANA AT THE SLIDING MACHINE
as she is hard at work with the PDL and the transporter keyboard. Rembrandt starts to cross to her.
HTWD: More crossing over to people. There are a lot of rivers in rooms on this world.
Suddenly the Seer lurches, grabbing his chest. Rembrandt rushes to him as he collapses to the floor, catching him and easing him down. Rembrandt cradles the old man who is obviously having a heart attack, breathing heavily. Remmy looks to Mrs. Mallory.
SL4: It's not obvious to me! Maybe he ate at Canters.
REMBRANDT: See if there's any medicine in that chest.
TBH: It has a smegging RED CROSS on it, what else would be in the >:-#-ing chest, NACHOS?????
Mrs. Mallory crosses (HTWD: sighs) to the chest with the Red Cross on it and opens it. She find a smaller first aid kit inside, grabs it and brings it to Rembrandt.
HTWD: Better check the smaller kit to see if there's a smaller one inside THAT.
The Seer looks up at him.
THE SEER: Too late.
SL4: I said in my contract I get to have a soap operaish death scene and by gum I'm gonna have it!!
He closes his eyes. Mrs. Mallory opens the first aid kit, and she and Remmy search in it.
TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : There's nachos in here! I TOLD YOU TO CHECK FIRST!!
REMBRANDT: It's never too late.
HTWD: What about when someone's head has been severed?
Mrs. Mallory turns up several bottles of pills and starts reading the labels.
SL4: Like we have time for that? Just give him one of everything!! What's the worst thing that could happen? He'd DIE? You're Sliding out before the lawyers arrive!
Rembrandt finds...
TBH: ... the plot, at the bottom of this Red Cross box.
a syringe.
HTWD: Ooooooo!
as Remmy pockets the syringe and starts opening pill bottles with Mrs. Mallory.
SL4: Sure, take the time to play with a syringe while the man dies next to you.
MRS. MALLORY: Aspirin. Best we can do.
TBH: Well, Seer ole pal, kiss your ass goodbye then.
SL4: Yep. Someone with a chronic heart condition wouldn't be carrying any life saving medication for it on his person, would he? No no, keep searching the standard first aid kit instead of searching THE MAN WHO'S KNOWN HIS HEART IS BAD FOR A LONG TIME AND WHO, MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE, TENDS TO THINK ABOUT AND PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE!!!
HTWD: I know we said this was the last post but I need a stiff drink after this last plot hole. We'll be right back!
She takes a couple of pills. The Seer opens his mouth and Mrs. Mallory gives him the pills.
TM <from doorway> : Aspirin?! Geez, this writer's a moron.
THE SEER: Claire left word at the Center. More security forces on their way. You haven't much time.
SL4: Well, if he knew this, then what did he think he could accomplish by coming here by himself? Why didn't HE call a bunch of loyal fans to come here? The lines they actually saw fit to cut from the ep are usually the HUGEST plotholes.
WIDER ANGLE
as Maggie and Mallory return.
TBH: You NEED a wider angle to fit all of Maggie's ASS in the screen.
MAGGIE: Well, our friends will be safe and comfortable for awhile.
HTWD: We didn't ask you to treat them like royalty, we asked you to lock their monkey asses up!
WITH DIANA AT THE TRANSPORTER
TBH: <mimicking Scottish Diana> : I canna get a lock, Capt'n!
Maggie and Mallory join her.
TBH: <mimicking Scottish Maggie and Mallory> : We canna get a lock either!
<HTWD: glares>
TBH: Hey, they SAID that those two joined her!
DIANA: I've got it. It's damaged but operational.
SL4: Much like this scriptwriter's brain.
(pulls out the PDL)
TBH: How many times is she gonna pull that out? I thought she already HAD it out?
DIANA: The main problem is that the data bank has been wiped.
SL4: Much like this scriptwriter's brain.
MAGGIE: Meaning?
TBH: DON'T ASK DIANA TO CLARIFY!! SHE'LL MAKE IT TWICE AS CONFUSING!!
DIANA: Meaning all I need to do is punch in some new destination information and we should be in business.
HTWD: Punch in Spain. I need some good food and long siestas after this >:-#-ing script!
She calls the data up on the PDL, punches it into the sliding machine, then triggers the device.
SL4: Why am I not surprised that Kromagg technology requires everything be "punched in"?
TBH: This scriptwriter needs a thesaurus BAD.
But instead of our normal vortex a SMALL, RED, SICKLY LOOKING VORTEX FORMS. It's about the size of a manhole.
HTWD: That would depend on the man, wouldn't it? Some manholes are bigger than others!
MALLORY: What's wrong?
Blinker: Don't even get me started! 7:-I
DIANA: This device is too badly damaged. (checks the readout)
TBH: <mimicking DIANA> : Odd, this readout tells me to take my filthy human hands off of it!
DIANA: Containment is deteriorating rapidly. There's only enough power to get one of us through.
HTWD: So this is why Remmy took the syringe! He magically knew that only one of them would be able to go through!
TBH: "containment" ? So it's a warp drive all of the sudden?
Rembrandt suddenly knows what he must do.
HTWD: Not suddenly! He knew when he secretly took the syringe five minutes ago!
He rises, leaving Mrs. Mallory to care for the Seer.
SL4: Kiss of death! :-*
DIANA: We'd better decide who's going, fast.
TBH: I know! Let's debate it like they do in the American Congress!
MALLORY: Rembrandt, give me the vial.
HTWD: Oh, that's a fabulous idea! Let's send the most moronic member of the group!
MAGGIE: No, I'll go.
SL4: Oh, that's a greater idea! Let's send the camp slut!
REMBRANDT
has his back to the others.
TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : I can't stand to listen to these losers anymore!
SL4: I would also have accepted: When you gotta go, you gotta go.
Mallory turns him around and they see...
HTWD: James Bond has arrived too late to help out so he's got Diana bent over the Kromagg "transporter."
that Rembrandt is injecting himself with the blood sample.
SL4: Wow guys! Look! Good thing that Remmy knew ahead time he'd need that!
MAGGIE: What are you doing?
TBH: If you can't see that for yourself, you're a bigger dumbass than MALLORY!
As Remmy completes the injection and extracts the needle...
HTWD: Ahhhhh. Now, energized by this CRACK, I shall fly through that wormhole and die on the other side with a big ole grin on my face! :-D
REMBRANDT: Just call me typhoid Remmy.
SL4: How about we call you Mallory since you keep making comments like THAT.
Diana grabs for the vial with the remaining contents but Rembrandt smashes it on the floor.
TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : It had green elves in there! GREEN ELVES, I tell ya! DIE ELVES!!
The others look on, aghast, then...
HTWD: Turn to the director and ask what the word "aghast" means.
REMBRANDT: If I survive this, The Seer will know that the coast is clear.
SL4: You mean the same Seer who is dying on the floor? Or do you think that the aspirin cured him?
REMMY: Fix this thing and follow me through. If not... (beat, firmly)
TBH: He should be firmly beaten for this melodrama. >:-#
REMMY: ...have a good life.
He embraces all three at once. The hug to end all hugs.
HTWD: <sighs> : Why not just say the mother of all hugs?
Then, without looking back, he leaps into the vortex.
SL4: Sniff. The last original member. Dead. Peckinballs' master plan is complete.
Blinker: PERISH!
Not a moment too soon. The VORTEX SPUTTERS AND LOSES.
TBH: Isn't it always not a moment too soon?
A long silence.
HTWD: It's hard to riff silence, isn't it? >:-#
MALLORY: The Seer said death would be immediate.
SL4: Sliders fans have been dying the slow death for years, what are you talking about?
As Diana realizes.
TBH: <mimicking Diana> : Hey! I don't understand any of the words I've been sprouting all season! I got a correspondence course from Hicksticks Tech! TEE HEE
DIANA: For the four of us. But it seems to me that by sending only one of us through we may have just altered that time line.
HTWD: That MIGHT make sense if death happened sometime after the Slide. But since death is IMMEDIATE doesn't that make it more likely that the world itself is destroyed or radioactive? What does she think, that some gunmen are standing right where the vortex will appear, ready to immediately gun down any four people who show up but if only one person shows up they will hold their fire?
DIANA: The future may have been changed. Remmy could be alive.
SL4: She really is a moron. All that supposed knowledge and she can't even think logically.
A glimmer of hope. Is it possible? They cross to Mrs. Mallory and ahe Seer.
TBH: Um, guys? Who is the scriptwriter talking to? Did he think they would flash those words on the screen?
WITH THEM AND THE SEER
His eyes are closed. He's no longer breathing heavily. He may not be breathing at all. Mrs. Mallory cradles him, looking down at him.
HTWD: Boy, that aspirin really pepped him up, didn't it?
Maggie kneels.
SL4: Um, Maggie, I don't think that's going to revive the Seer.
MAGGIE: Mr. LeBeau, can you see our friend? Can you see Rembrandt?
TBH: <mimicking the Seer> : All I can see is immense rage. Great anger from a legion of Sliders fans...
He doesn't respond. Diana immediately checks his pulse.
HTWD: So Mrs. Mallory was holding a dead man and didn't notice? Didn't bother to take his pulse every now and then?
DIANA: Can't find a pulse.
SL4: That pretty much sums up this ep.
TBH: This season!
MRS. MALLORY: He's gone...
HTWD: Nice of you to finally notice.
A long beat.
SL4: I wish this scriptwriter knew more words than "beat," "cross" and "punch."
MAGGIE: Rembrandt...
TBH: When has anyone ever called him by his full name after Arturo left?
MALLORY: Now what do we do?
HTWD: Write lotsa letters to TV networks.
The Sliders look at one another, in shock themselves.
SL4: I can't believe we got paid for this episode! TEE HEE!!!
And we...
TBH: Start sharpening our axes and buying plane tickets to Hollywood.
FADE OUT:
THE END?
HTWD: Whomever is responsible for that question mark should be SHOT! SHOT I tell you.
SL4: So, how does that rank among series ending cliffhangers?TBH: Hmmmm, worse than Battlestar Galactica by far. Worse than The Lone Gunmen but not by much.
HTWD: Not nearly as bad as how you left readers hanging with Slide Wars! >:-# Or that other thing with the skull dude. I can never remember the name of that second story you never finished.
SL4: I was talking about TV shows, you moron.
HTWD: <pulls out SL4ever action figure> : Did you hear that? He called me a moron! Just wait until I get you back to my bedroom! My MSR, Blinker, and SpaceTime action figures are gonna have a field day with you!
TBH: Um, where has he been keeping your action figure all this time? He doesn't have any pockets.
SL4: I don't wanna know, Timmy. I ... don't ... wanna ... know.
Blinker: Take this next one, Tigs!Tigs: Thanks Blinky baby!
o/` Our show is in ruins, we pick through the wreckage,
Can find Peckinballs' mistakes each time...
We are Sliders fans, last generation...
We are the ones the show left behind.
And I wonder if we are ever gonna change...
Living under the fear, till nothing of our show remains.
We don't need another zero
We don't need anyone but Tracy Tormé...
All we want is Peckinballs stuck producing "The Frugal Gourmet!"
