HTWD: WELL????

TBH: I'm not going to do it! I refuse!

HTWD: Fine. I'll set myself up then. <badly mimicking TBH> What are you up too, Henry?

TBH: Oh Jesus God, that was HORRIBLE! If you're going to muck it up that badly, I'll do it! >:-# What are you up to, Henry?

HTWD: I'm writing a letter to the editor of MoviesthatSUCK.com. He bashed Winona Ryder last week and yesterday the news came out that the secret video tape does NOT, as previously reported, show her cutting the tags off clothes and stuffing them in her bag. She is INNOCENT!! All this was a railroading and I'm going to clear her name!!

TBH: Henry, she was dressed as a bag lady. She should have been arrested just for that. Plus she sleeps in the nude with cold melons.

HTWD: <jumping up on his hind legs> : WOO HOO!!!

TBH: Um, that was an unfortunate way to phrase it. She takes melons that you eat like honeydews out of the fridge and brings them to bed with her. Then she strips down to bare flesh and arranges the cold melons around her and goes to sleep. She is a wackjob of Michael Jackson proportions!

HTWD: <jumping up and down>: WOO HOO!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!

TBH: I keep forgetting, YOU'RE the F-ing wackjob.

SL4: <from doorway>: What's up? Winona Ryder having sex with fruit again?

The Seer - Part XII

Attendant #2 comes bolting into the room. He grabs the timer and makes for the door.

TBH: <mimicking Att#2> : WOO HOO!! Temp said he'd trade me two Sabrina Lloyd bikini piccies for this!

Diana intercepts him and tries to grab for the timer. But he's bigger and stronger and he easily swats her aside.

HTWD: Big bully! Of course, Pee Wee Herman is bigger and stronger than Diana.

Mallory tackles him from behind. The timer goes flying.

SL4: I'm glad they cut out the part where the timer waited in line for three hours of security checks.

It hits the floor. Attendant #2 struggles to get away. He kicks Mallory in the face, stunning him long enough to make his exit.

TBH: What kind of heavies are these two morons? He RUNS AWAY from weak assed Mallory and 70 pound Diana???

Mallory staggers to his feet. Attendant #1 is standing a few feet behind them.

HTWD: These action descriptions are making my fur hurt. Could this scriptwriter BE any more of an incompetent buffoon?

The timer is between them. It's a standoff. Attendant #1 picks up a floor lamp.

TBH: <mimicking Mallory> : NO!! NOT THE LAMP!! I surrender!

At first Mallory thinks he's the target.

TBH: <mimicking Mallory>: Please don't hurt me! I'll dance for you!! Tappity tap tap!!

The attendant suddenly smashes the heavy base down onto the timer, smashing it.

HTWD: So lemme get this straight. It's a standoff because the timer is between them. But if he's close enough to just smash it then why didn't Mallory charge him when he reached for the lamp?

Mallory and Diana are so stunned by this that Attendant #1 sprints right past them and out the door.

SL4: Aw man, now they won't be able to change the channel and watch Celebrity Boxing tonight. :-(

TBH: <Mimicking Att#1>: WOO HOO!! My work here is done! On to my next prop destruction! Anyone know where KITT is parked?

Diana reaches for the timer. She holds up a handful of broken plastic, smashed LED's and twisted wires.

HTWD: Sniff. But how are they going to destroy continuity now? The timer was the best way! :'-(

The Timer has been completely pulverized.

SL4: Damn, that's quite a lamp. Must be one of them 100 pound lamps.

Off their horrified reactions we...

TBH: ...wonder what the HELL that Little Bo Peep costume was all about.

FADE OUT:
END OF ACT THREE

HTWD: How many acts are usually in Greek tragedies?

ACT FOUR
FADE IN:
44 INT. CHANDLER SUITE - DAY 44
Rembrandt and Maggie enter. They see the smashed timer on the floor.

SL4: No they don't! Diana picked some of it up!

For a moment they just stare at it in disbelief.

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : Mallory!! What did I tell you about keeping the room tidy!! Pick that >:-# up!!

REMBRANDT: Is that what I think it is?

HTWD: Nah Remmy, we're cool. That's just the timer. The remote control is over there. Whew!

DIANA: I'm afraid so.

SL4: That's what happens when you give the two rookies the timer. You two suck so much!

Diana starts to pick up the pieces.

TBH: Wait a minute. If so little time has gone by that Diana hasn't even picked up the pieces then why didn't Remmy and Maggie run into the Attendants? And what happened to the pieces Diana was already holding?

Mallory struggles to his feet

HTWD: NO! He doesn't! When did Mallory get OFF his feet? He was standing opposite the Attendant with the timer between them!

SL4: He must have screamed like a girl and thrown himself to the floor when the Attendant picked up the Lamp o' Destruction.

and staggers into the...

SL4: ... bathroom to shower the fear off himself.

TBH: Why is this drama queen staggering? He barely got touched! What a puss.

45 BEDROOM 45
Where Mrs. Mallory is laid out on the bed, her head injured. Mallory runs to her side.

TBH: I KNEW it was all drama queen! Now he can run!

MALLORY: Are you all right?

TBH: <mimicking Mrs. Mallory> : I am now! >:-D I sold you out, punk! Diss me again, beeee-otch!!!

Rembrandt and Maggie join him.

MRS. MALLORY: This is my fault.

HTWD: So she dressed up as the attendant and smashed the timer and then ran back in here and took her attendant costume off? What? Guilt fiends are so annoying. >:-#

MAGGIE: Of course it's not. It's those crazy fans.

SL4: Huh? SpaceTime had nothing to do with this.

Mallory has taken charge of Mrs. Mallory, seeing to her needs and comfort.

TBH: Um, can we leave the room while he sees to her needs? :-X

Maggie looks on, now feeling shoved aside, left out, replaced.

HTWD: <on hind legs>: WOO HOO!! TEEZ ME YOU BIG BAD SLIDERS EP!!! TEEEEEEEEEEZ MEEEEEEE! :-P

TBH: I gotta see that again! Projectionist! Roll that puppy again!

Maggie looks on, now feeling shoved aside, left out, replaced.

TBH: Oh yeah! That's good! :-P Mmmmm, that's just the spot. Ahhhh.

Rembrandt sees this.

SL4: Who needs Miss Cleo? Maggie sure as HELL didn't express this with her face! I would have worn that part of the tape OUT! :-P

MALLORY: It wasn't the fans. That's what they wanted us to believe. But I recognized them. They work for Claire.

TBH: So they wanted you to believe it was fans but they used the only two henchmen whom you'd had a chance to see in the short time you've been on this world?

REMBRANDT: She sent them to trash the timer?

HTWD: You know Remmy, when MALLORY is ahead of you on the plot it's time to put down the cheeseburgers and start paying more attention.

MAGGIE: Trash it or steal it. The results are the same. It's pretty obvious she wants us stranded here.

HTWD: It wasn't obvious to Remmy! Come on Rem-Rem!! Even Maggie is schooling your ASS right now! This is sad!

REMBRANDT: Did you talk to her?

TBH: <mimicking Mallory>: Yeah, until she slapped me and called me mean names. Then I ran away.

MALLORY: No one has seen her. At least that's what we were told.

HTWD: Apparently none of them are X-Files or Star Trek:TNG fans.

MRS. MALLORY: I could have prevented this. I could have told you.

SL4: Oh for crying out loud! <walks into screen, grabs chair, and sits down right in front of Mrs. Mallory.> Okay, fine, Miss Guilty Thang! I'm all ears! Unload your burden so we can move ahead with this >:-#-ing "plot"!

MALLORY: Told us what?

TBH: <clapping hands>: Yeah! Everyone pay attention to her so she'll proceed to shut the SMEG up!!

MRS. MALLORY: During the occupation Claire and I worked at a Kromagg garrison.

HTWD: I was the cook, I make FAB-YOU-LESS eye omelettes! And Claire was the Jester. She looks so cute in funny hats!

MRS. MALLORY: When the virus was released the Kromaggs packed up what they could and left the rest.

TBH: <mimicking Kromagg grunt> "Sir, wanna take these Sliding devices?" <mimicking Kromagg leader> "Nah, >:-# it! These HU-mans don't have a virus or anything like that they can spread to other worlds and eradicate all Kromagg life in the multiverse."

SL4: Oh, before we go, I gotta have it again! Projectionist!!

Projectionist: Sigh. Okay.

Maggie looks on, now feeling shoved aside, left out, replaced.

Wade: <from doorway>: I LOVE CRUEL IRONY!!! WOO HOO!!!

SL4: <looking around> : I see that "Slide and the Blinker Stone" are setting up for their musical number. We'll take a break and come back with that!