MSR: Run like hell away from it!

HTWD: What about you, TM?

TM: I'd be neck to neck with Missy.

Kari Wuhrer: I'd be making hot, sweet, love to it.

HTWD: I said T-H-E S-E-E-R.

KW: Oh. Did you know I was in a porn movie called "Suckers" that played off Sliders? Instead of using a vortex we Slid using a big open-.

HTWD: ANYway, that leaves our final guest. I loathe having to do this, but TIP, you have the floor.

TIP: Weeeee! Okay, first I want to talk about ham salad-.

HTWD: Never mind. Kari, back to you. I'd rather get thrown off the air than listen to one more second of the second most annoying person on the planet behind Connie Chung.

SL4: What the smeg is going on?????

HTWD: <hastily shoves his MissingSliderRyan, ThomasMalthus, Kari Wuhrer, and TIP action figures under the couch.> : Um, nothing. Just passing the time until the projectionist is ready with "The Seer."

SL4: <eyeing Henry suspiciously.> : Oooooookay. Anyway, let's get to the theater. Finally time to tear the worst ep of Sliders a new >:-#.

HTWD: WOO HOOO!!! <he lags behind and grabs his MSR action figure [making sure her blaster is still in the holster] to take in with him for courage.>

The Seer - Part I

SLIDERS
"The Seer"
TEASER

SL4: Funny, this horrid ep makes me feel a lot of things, but "teased" is never one of them. >:-#

FADE IN:
TIGHT ON AN MD-TYPE DATA DISK (D1)

TBH: Every horrible movie has a disk, have you ever noticed that? If you hear the lines "Give me the disk!" you know you're watching a horrible movie.

held in Diana's hand. Widen to include...

HTWD: ...Arturo. Keep widening. Keeeeeeeeep widening. KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP going.

NEW YORK STREET - OUTDOOR CAFE – DAY

Peckinmoron: It's a parallel world, of COURSE New York City could be in California! Go with it!

A normal day.

SL4: So Mallory has said only 34 hideously unfunny comments, then?

A fairly normal world.

TBH: Normal for Peckinballs? <mimicking Remmy> That mosquito just picked up Maggie and carried her off! <mimicking Diana> Will someone please tell the orange fairy to take her hand out of my ass?

DIANA and MALLORY are comfortably seated around a table at a sidewalk cafe sipping coffee. A somber serious mood hangs heavy in the air.

HTWD: <somberly> : We're drinking the last of the Half and Half we brought along, guys. I sure hope we reach a civilized world soon!

DIANA: This is it, folks.

SL4: TEE HEE. See, the first line of dialogue is a double entendre! Genius!

She slips the disk into the PDL's drive.

TBH: <mimicking PDL> : Sure, just shove it in! No grease, no rubber, nothing. >:-#

DIANA (continuing) : I just need a few moments to call up the coordinates and punch them into the timer. Then we're off to our home worlds. Thanks to Dr. Geiger.

HTWD: SL4ever, thank Dr. Geiger for us.

<SL4ever makes an obscene gesture>

MALLORY: So, any plans after our triumphant return?

SL4: The first thing the other three will do is take enough drugs to remove all memory of your "jokes."

MALLORY: Wait, I know... (a la an announcer)

TBH: ... You've just murdered Mallory, the second most annoying bastard on any planet. What're you gonna do next?

MALLORY: And the Nobel Prize goes to... Diana Davis! Come on down!

HTWD: So is he more tedious when he's trying to be funny or when he's sucking up to someone worse than SL4ever sucks up to Blinker?

SL4: Hey! Blinker rocks! What can I say?

HTWD: You can't say anything when you have your lips shoved so far up his-.

Maggie comes out of a store front, fast food carry-out in hand.

TBH: <mimicking Maggie> : I know that Mallory had the barbecued fish, Remmy had the sextuple cheeseburger, and Diana had the McTofu, but who ordered the Trampburger?

DIANA: No, a couple of months ago that sounded nice. But after everything we've seen and done, getting a 'prize' for it seems... wrong.

HTWD: Then just keep the money and give the prize back. :-P

MALLORY: Well, for me a hammock, a blender and endless margaritas come to mind.

SL4: So you're saying that you're a lazy boozehound?

TBH: You act like any of that was a surprise to you.

Maggie is there, and takes a big bite of her "burger." Mallory takes note and winces.

TBH: This nasty >:-# was just talking about drinking MARGARITAS and he's acting like what she's eating is gross????

MALLORY: What are you eating?

HTWD: I would be careful asking Maggie that question.

MAGGIE: Giraffe burger and pork soda. It's not bad, try some.

SL4: You can't TELL me that this writer wasn't surfing this board and seeing some of the stuff like this that I was posting! >:-# This is straight out of "Slide Wars" ! While I'm at it, I noticed that Damron didn't start calling the Sliders "Our Heroes" until I started doing it. >:-#

TBH: After all the >:-# you've ripped off from other people, you have a lotta nerve to say anything!

She shoves it in his face.

HTWD: I'm not touching this one.

TBH: Well, I'M certainly not going to riff it!!

He rears back.

SL4: Who is he fooling? He'd eat Rocky Mountain Oysters if no one was looking!

MALLORY: The word 'why' comes to mind.

TBH: Only an unmitigated moron can take a one word question and turn it into a six word sentence.

MAGGIE: Because it's the last chance to take a bite out of the bizarre and unusual.

HTWD: Well, you can always date Marilyn Manson for the former and Jim Carrey for the latter.

MAGGIE: From now on the expected is what you get and the unexpected is just a memory.

SL4: You're too kind. Who here expected you to record an album? But when you did our expectations of how horrible it would be were exceeded.

MALLORY: Very poetic. (to Diana) I'll take that margarita now.

TBH: As I was saying, this nasty >:-# turns away from calling a pork drink nasty and asks for a nauseating margarita!

DIANA (to Maggie) : Since your home world is... (searches for the right word)

HTWD: Destroyed? Annihilated? Demolished? Shattered? Devastated? A collection of fragments?

DIANA: ... no more, will you be sliding home with Remmy?

SL4: Hmmmm, go home to occupied Earth alone or take along Maggie. Have to spend more time with Maggie versus the chance of her dying at the hands of the Kromaggs. Decisions, decisions.

MAGGIE: I haven't decided yet.

TBH: Well neither has HE, you presumptuous >:-#.

MAGGIE: I'm not saying I wouldn't enjoy stability, but my world is... (gestures)

HTWD: Maggie! That gesture is NOT PG-13!

MAGGIE: ... out there, wherever we go.

SL4: That's deep ... in a bubble headed bleach blonde bimbo sort of way.

WIDER
to reveal Rembrandt coming out of the little church, crossing toward them.

TBH: <mimicking CD> : Please God let this be my last show of hell unless they change the writers!

MAGGIE: Thought he stopped going to church years ago.

HTWD: You would drive ANYONE to confessional!

DIANA: Yeah.

SL4: "Yeah" ??? "YEAH"????? How the >:-# would YOU know, Diana? You've known him what, two weeks?

MALLORY: Probably just hedging his bets.

TBH: Which is the same reason you pack hand lotion and "Swank" magazines when you go on a beach vacation.

Rembrandt arrives. Reacts to their looks with a shrug.

HTWD: You turned to God! Ha ha! Everyone! Look at him! This fool turned to God!

REMBRANDT: There comes a time in a man's life when he's got to look at where he's been to figure out where he's going.

TBH: <mimicking Mallory> : So THAT'S why hundreds of men keep coming up to Maggie and asking her to take her pants down!

DIANA: And here we thought you were just in there asking for back-up.

SL4: So God is just a 911 call away whenever you get super duper desperate. That's a fresh angle on religion.

REMBRANDT: That too. (sighs, then) I thought I'd be going home with some new way to defeat the 'maggs. A weapon or something. Instead I'm going back empty handed.

TBH: If your goal is a way to help your home world, and you have the Earth Prime coordinates, then keep Sliding until you reach a world that has a high level of technology and beg, borrow, or steal help from them!

MAGGIE: No, you're not. You've got me.

HTWD: Thanks. I feel so much better now. It'll only be 1,000,000 to 2 instead of 1,000,000 to 1.

MALLORY <opens his mouth to speak>

SL4: COVER YOUR EARS!!! INCOMING!!!!

MALLORY: Recommended by more moms and arms dealers than all other brands combined.

TBH: <reaching for barf bag> : I swear to god if I ever discover whose idea it was to make Mallory the Gump-Witted-Quipster I'll strangle them in a tub of cherry Jello!

REMBRANDT: Make no mistake, people, my world's probably still occupied by Kromaggs. It's not a pretty place these days. I won't blame anyone who wants to bail.

HTWD: What are you talking about? Only Maggie has volunteered to go! The other two said they are going to their world!

Their response is to just look back at him, saying nothing.

HTWD: Did I fall into a coma or something and miss the line where the other two said they were also going?

Remmy gets the idea.

SL4: Oh, you all think I'm nuts to go home. I can take a hint!

REMBRANDT: All right then.

TBH: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Act like you wouldn't have been cursing them for the rest of your short >:-#-ed life if they hadn't come along.

Diana looks down at the timer.

HTWD: Hey guys! This thing has numbers on it! I've never noticed that before!

DIANA: This is it... three,

SL4: Lame replacement characters who wouldn't make a pimple on the original ones' asses.

DIANA: two,

TBH: Of which are the dumbest people to ever appear on television in the 50 year history of the medium. That includes BOTH incarnations of "Three's Company" !!!

DIANA: one.

HTWD: Other character who is supposed to have a PHD and yet uses the phrase "ATM machines" and so isn't exactly a nuclear physicist either.

She keys the timer.

SL4: Now why did she do that? Did it park too close to her driver's side door or something?

The VORTEX FORMS.
One by one our heroes leap into the swirling maw...

TBH: Coincidentally, "Swirling Maw" is Maggie's porno nickname.

EXT. COURTHOUSE SQUARE - COURTHOUSE - DAY
and the double door entrance to this venerable old building.

The CHURNING LIGHT from a vortex can be seen seeping through the door cracks,

HTWD: Because we don't want to pay for the special effects to actually show the vortex.

accompanied by the sound of a BLAST OF WIND and four distinct THUDS. The tumult subsides,

SL4: So this is how they write the cheesy scenes where they save money but not showing the vortex.

then...
REMBRANDT'S VOICE: Now that's what I like, an inconspicuous landing.

TBH: Personally, I like to ... I don't know ... SEE what the smeg is going on! If I wanted to listen to the action I'd turn on one of those old horrid radio dramas!

The doors swing open. As our heroes step out the first thing they see is...

THE COURTHOUSE LAWN
And on it, a CHEERING MOB.

HTWD: Technically, if they're cheering they're called a "crowd." If they have pitchforks and poorly spelled "burn, witch bride of Satan, burn" signs THEN they're called a "mob."

They are carrying signs that say "Welcome Sliders." They are wearing concert-style T-shirts with our heroes' pictures on them, as well as buttons, hats and all manner of paraphernalia.

TIP: <from doorway> : Hee hee. He said paraphernalia.

Several news crews are in the crowd.

SL4: Let's hope they're more competent than Connie Chung's lightweight question asking >:-#.

THE SLIDERS
look at each other, dumbstruck.

TBH: So only CD will have to do any actual acting right here.

MALLORY (to Rembrandt, dry)

SL4: TWO "JOKES" BEFORE THE TEASER'S EVEN OVER????? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

MALLORY: Did you call ahead?

HTWD: Bark! Bark! <raises nose to moon> Ooooooooooooowl!

Off their reactions we...

SL4: Try to swallow the bile of blistering hatred that arises every time Mallory tries to be funny.

FADE OUT:
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:

EXT. COURTHOUSE SQUARE - DAY
The ROARING ADULATION continues. The Sliders are on the top step looking down at the crowd and a podium which is on a lower step.

TBH: <mimicking an extra> : We have to cheer for THOSE losers? I want more money!

DIANA: These people don't exactly look conquered.

HTWD: They're cheering for two replacement Sliders and a third who is a replacement of a replacement! These people must be more oppressed than Oprah's underwear!

MAGGIE: Is it possible that they found a way to defeat the 'maggs?

SL4: If they had a couple "comedians" as bad as Mallory it IS possible. The Maggs would be shooting themselves.

Rembrandt reacts, is it? They start down the steps. As he slowly realizes.

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : Oh smeg, I left my loudest suit at the hotel on the last world. We have to go back if we're going to be dealing with an adoring crowd.

REMBRANDT: That could be. I haven't been home in almost two years. A lot can happen.

HTWD: <rolling eyes> : You can say that again!

DIANA: How do these people even know who we are?

SL4: Bad news travels fast. Everyone wants to see your bad acting up close so they can scare their children with stories about it.

MAGGIE: We haven't done anything to get famous here. (a look to Remmy) Have we?

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : Hey! Wasn't Clinton in San Francisco the last time we Slid home? Maybe a reporter saw you together.

The Sliders are joined by a woman,

HTWD: AGAIN?

CLAIRE, mid-thirties, sharp, attractive,

SL4: Apparently the casting director didn't read the script. >:-#

professional. She guides them down toward the podium where they find a frail old man with a cane.

TBH: Because old men always have a cane.

We will come to know him as THE SEER.

HTWD: Too bad he couldn't see how badly this ep would be taken by the fans.

TemporalFlux: <from the doorway> : Stevie Wonder could have seen that! No one associated with the production of this wanted to see it.

CLAIRE: Welcome, Mr. Brown, Ms. Beckett, Dr. Davis and, of course,

SL4: Last and very least,

CLAIRE: Mr. Mallory.

SL4: >:-D

CLAIRE: I'm Claire LeBeau, and this is my father Marc LeBeau, better known as The Seer. Before we move on would you like to

TBH: Roll around in a vat of sausage gravy with me?

CLAIRE: say a few words to your public?

HTWD: Dogs rule! Goodnight everybody!

Mallory just stares at them a moment. Then...

SL4: Oh, Jesus God. I can't take any more of Mallory. We need some guest riffers in here. Riff the next moronic thing out of his mouth and win a seat next to these two while I go off and find a Burger God restaurant.

MALLORY (into microphone, still bewildered)

TBH: Mallory would still be bewildered if he had the script in front of him! Hmmmm, that's not really saying much, is it?

MALLORY (into the microphone) : How's it going?

HTWD: Light his ass up, everyone!