Timmy Bighands: Hates SL4ever.

Henry The Wonder Dog: Hates fetching.

The Pilot - Part VI

<A blasting horn behind Quinn startles him.>

HTWD: Hey! Quit applying your makeup and go! The light changed, idiot!

<Quinn looks behind him to see a row of cars whose angry drivers are shaking their fists and urging him to run the red.>

TBH: Hurry up!! Jerry Springer starts in ten minutes you >:-#-er!!!!!

<Quinn turns back, realizing that all the other cars are stopped for their green light.>

SL4: Welcome to Earth 69, Quinn.

Quinn: "What on Earth?"

HTWD: You mean "which" Earth, sport.

<uncertain, Quinn accelerates cautiously and drives through the red light intersection>

TBH: Next time don't take so long! Dude acts like he's never driven through a red light before.

Spaceman: "In local news..."

SL4: Marlon Brando is officially one quarter of a ton today, the new record for a celebrity, surpassing John Madden this morning when he ordered a double shot of chipped beef gravy.

HTWD: Radio and TV is always moving "to local news" just as we start the scene in a movie, have you ever noticed that?

Spaceman: "Mayor Reagan vows to bring law and order back to our streets..."

SL4: By threatening to redo the movie "Hello Dolly" with Kathie Lee Gifford unless crime drops 25% in a month.

Spaceman: "by, get this, allowing private citizens to own handguns."

TBH: What else is he supposed to do with the other six warehouses of guns he was left with when the scandal broke?

Spaceman: "Great idea Ronny. That's all we need, guns in everyone's home!"

HTWD: Yeah! Preach brother! Big foaming at the mouth dawgs are MUCH better!

Spaceman: "A few more proposals like that and its back to sitcoms."

SL4: I'd rather watch Joe Camel run a marathon than watch Ronald Reagan in a sitcom.

Spaceman: "I've always liked him better than Tom Bosley anyway."

TBH: Gee whiz, I like Dennis Rodman's acting more than Tom Bosley's, what's your point?

Spaceman: "To me there's only one Mr. C, and that's Ron Reagan, enough said!"

HTWD: If by that you mean "Mr. Crummy actor" I'm with you.

SL4: And it was "enough said" six seconds after the first time you ever opened your piehole.

<Quinn, looking out of breath and very confused> : "What's happening?"

TBH: <mimicking Mrs. Mallory> : I told you that hippie music was gonna make ya crazy!

<Quinn sees something to his right and pulls over, staring up at it in disbelief>

HTWD: Wow, the stories are true! You really CAN see Al Davis' ego from the highest hill in San Francisco!

Quinn <whispering> : "My God, where am I?"

SL4: Still blocking traffic, you almsman! Beep beep!

<Quinn pulls a screeching U-Turn back to his house>

TBH: Ohmygod! I look horrid in Bermuda shorts! What was I thinking? I'm going home!

<Camera angles up to hold on the billboard Quinn saw. It reads, "Now appearing, one week only, Elvis!" Then fade to black>

HTWD: So it only takes a week to consume California's entire supply of cathead biscuits and fried banana sandwiches, eh?

<Quinn drives through red light with the rest of traffic.>

SL4: I can get used to this! F--- red lights!

<Quinn parks in front of his house and exits his car. He looks around for signs this is another world.>

TBH: Keep looking, Quinn. There's bound to be a point to all this somewhere!

<Quinn walks to the gate and discovers that the gate doesn't squeak.>

HTWD: That >:-# kissing gardener's been here again, I see.

<Mrs. Mallory walks out the front door, blonde, bespectacled, and pregnant. She is arm and arm with Jake> : "What'd you do, honey? Forget something?"

SL4: Oh, nothing much. I just forgot that you're plumb full of baby, have hair the color of a albino golden retriever, and are shacked up with Spanky. Never mind, I'll just be going now.

<Quinn stares in disbelief at his mother's condition> : "Mom, look at you. You're ... I mean ... you and Jake?"

TBH: This "genius" sure is slow on the uptake. By this point even Peckinballs would know he was on another world! Wasn't Elvis, reverse street lights, and Radio Puke's commentary enough for you, Sherlock?

<Before she can respond Quinn hears his backpack beeping. He pulls out the TV remote, which is beeping loudly>

SL4: So we're supposed to believe that he went upstairs, got in his car, drove through town, drove back, and stood here gawking at his mother ... all in 15 minutes? I can't even get my car started in less than 20 minutes!

<Quinn is yanked back through the vortex, disappearing from this world.>

TBH: <mimicking Mrs. Mallory> : I've told him and told him that it's impolite to ask a question and then step into another world before giving someone a chance to answer!

<Quinn pops out of the vortex in his basement and skids across the floor. His cat meows.>

SL4: Meoooow. Your double said you CAN afford to buy me 9 Lives. I'm ripping your throat out when you go to sleep tonight!

Quinn: "Yes!"

HTWD: Don't get too happy. Wait'll you see your power bill.

<Quinn bursts upstairs and gives his Mom a bearhug.> : "Mom!"

TBH: You're back to your normal frumpy self! I love you!

MM: "Quinn, honey, put me down and get to school. You're gonna be late again."

SL4: Aw, Mom, did Newton's mom make HIM go to school after the apple fell on his head???

Quinn: "I'm home, mom. Home!"

HTWD: Now that you've grasped that concept, let's move on to something more complicated. "A" is the first letter in the alphabet...

MM: "That's just the point. School, sweetheart."

TBH: And don't forget your widdle booties. It might rain today.

<Quinn bounds down the steps, greets the gardener Jake like an old friend, then plays with the gate, listening to it squeak. MM rolls her eyes.>

SL4: That's it, I'm switching him to decaf Kool Aid.

<Quinn rushes down the college hallway, bursting to tell Arturo what he's accomplished. He charges into the classroom, horribly late> : "I'm sorry, Professor."

HTWD: My dog ate my car keys.

Quinn: "Forgive me. I don't mean to interrupt, but we have to talk!"

TBH: I've discovered a way to clone baby back ribs!!!!

Arturo <eyeing him angrily> : "I don't think we have anything more to say to each other, Mr. Mallory."

SL4: Until you apologize for your "Professor Klump" Freudian slip.

Quinn: "Gee, a guy's a little late, you'd think I'd killed someone."

HTWD: Don't be impatient. You get to do that a lot in a couple seasons.

Quinn <moving closer and lowering his voice> : "Professor, the Einstein-Rosen bridge; I've crossed it."

TBH: That old thing? Invent a way to cross the Golden Gate bridge in less than four hours and then I'll be impressed.

Arturo: "Get out of my classroom!"

SL4: Gosh, I'm sorry, I just think The Living Daylights reeked. That's just my opinion!

Arturo: "Very well, if you refuse to leave, then I shall!"

HTWD: >:-#, if that works, I'd be up there every DAY talking smack to get class dismissed!

Arturo: "Don't you ever dare speak about my THEORIES like that again. Class dismissed!"

TBH: You have to admit, professor, it's not very likely that mankind descended from trees.

<Arturo slams his briefcase shut and storms out.>

SL4: I'll be curled up, sulking, in a tub of Ben and Jerry's if anyone needs me!