Timmy Bighands: Wonders between Snickers bars how much they are shortening his life span.

Henry The Wonder Dog: Wonders what it would be like to actually catch a car.

The Pilot - Part V

<Morning. The radio clicks on> : "It's seven o'clock. Bay area, and if I were you I'd stay in bed."

SL4: If you were me you'd realize how much like a >:-# you sound ad-libbing and get a writer like all other marginally entertaining DJs.

Spaceman: "If you're heading to work, turn around and go home!"

HTWD: Or, if you'd rather, come over here and beat the living >:-# out of me like I'm begging ya to.

Spaceman: "Nothing good's going to happen today."

TBH: You could change all that by swallowing a charged cattle prod.

<camera pans the room to reveal that Quinn is nowhere to be seen.>

SL4: Even Quinn has ditched his bedroom to get away from this bastard and you've left us here. Thanks movie!!

Spaceman: "Stay off the bridges."

HTWD: You better hope I don't see you near a bridge. Grrrrrr.

Spaceman: "Don't bet on the horses. And forget the Lotto."

TBH: Great, the only thing left to gamble on is what game Dennis Miller is gonna snap and throttle Al Michaels for stepping on his punchlines.

Spaceman: "Because Mercury's in retrograde."

SL4: Aw, he read that in the paper! I'll give him 50 dollars out of my pocket right now if he can define "retrograde" !

Spaceman: "I got the paper here..."

SL4: I rest my case.

Spaceman: "and, I swear to God"

HTWD: Wouldn't you want to pick someone a little less omnipotent to cuss to?

Spaceman: "There's not one good horoscope in the bunch."

TBH: I don't remember ever seeing a horoscope that said "you suck, your sign sucks, your planets are in a sucky position today, go back to smegging bed."

<scene change to Quinn pulling a clean shirt over his head.>

SL4: What's the occasion?

<Quinn grabs his jacket and activates his camera> : "September 27th. Well, here goes nothing."

HTWD: That was his mantra during season 4.

Quinn: "I've set the timer for 15 minutes but..."

SL4: With my luck I'll arrive at Pizza World and there are only so many slices you can wolf down in 15 minutes!

Quinn: "Mom, in the event something goes wrong and I don't return..."

TBH: I've never had the courage to tell you, but it was ME who farted at the dinner table the day you divorced Dad.

Quinn: "This message is for you."

HTWD: Or any nosy double who Slides in here after I leave.

Quinn: "I want you to know that I love you very much and I hope you understand that I had to do this. Try not to worry..."

SL4: I'll try to be back within five years or so if I don't become mind melded with some Z movie overacting nerd.

Quinn: "You know me..."

TBH: I just don't feel like I've accomplished anything until I step off into a void or otherworldly portal at least once a week.

Quinn: "Wherever I am, I'm probably having a blast."

HTWD: Oh yeah, you're a real party animal. I can tell from the hundreds of hours you spent down here by yourself building all this >:-#.

Quinn: "Oh, and don't throw away all my stuff. Who knows? I might make it back some day."

SL4: IF you don't become a wiseass and oil the >:-#ing gate, thus tricking me into thinking I'm not really home. If you do that, cancel the next 75 Christmases.

<Quinn picks up the remote control and points it in front of him. The vortex forms.>

TBH: Look at that vortex. Stargate SG1 ripped this series off so hardcore it makes you want to go over to Showtime and slap the spider monkey >:-# out of them!

HTWD: Right down to the four travelers, with one being a hot tamale. They had a magical disappearing dog too. :-P

<Quinn jumps into the vortex>

TBH: <mimicking Mrs. Mallory> : "Quinn! Angelina Jolie is here! Her sister is in your Reverse Bipolarology class and told her how hot you are so she wants to meet you. Quinn? I'm sorry, he must have left." "Oh, never mind. I feel foolish now. What was I thinking?"

<Quinn flies through the vortex>

HTWD: Look! It's a nerd!

TBH: It's a brain!

SL4: It's Sliderman!

<Quinn arrives with a yell of glee at the wild ride ... right back into his own basement. As he gets his bearings he realizes he's "still" in his basement.> : "Oh no."

SL4: Who cares if you didn't go anywhere? If people'll pay $35 for a day at Six Flags, you got $100 per ride on this sucker!

Mrs. Mallory <calling down> : "Quinn!"

TBH: <mimicking Mrs. Mallory> : "Marge Schott is here! Her sister is in your Reverse Bipolarology class and told her how hot you are so she wants to meet you." <mimicking Quinn> "Hurry up timer!"

Mrs. Mallory: "Don't you have class this morning?"

HTWD: I have 1,000,000,000 points out of a possible 450 so far in this class, Mom. I think I can skip one day, thank you very much!

Quinn <sitting there depressed, speaking softly to his cat> : "I'm a failure, Schrodinger."

SL4: Meoooow. Why don't you have a hand growing out of your ear like MY master does?

Quinn: "I'm right back where I started."

TBH: You can call it whatever you want as long as the closest Spaceman Spiff is to a microphone on this world is when he mans the drivethrough window at Krusty Burger.

<Quinn leaves the basement slowly, turning off his power breakers one by one. Switch to outside, Quinn is outside, pulling away in his car. He doesn't see his mother at the gate. She now has bleached blonde hair and glasses>

HTWD: His mother has turned into a 60 year old Madonna.

MM: "Honey, don't forget the dry cleaners on the way home!"

SL4: And stop by Sams and get me another 5 gallons of hair coloring!

<Quinn drives on, not noticing her. As he drives he turns on the radio>

Spaceman: "Guys who bitch and moan about feminists are wimps."

TBH: This guy's like Jason or Bryant Gumbal, he just won't go away!

Spaceman: "FACE IT. Men have been rigging the game for centuries."

SL4: Don't look at me, I've only been rigging the game for 30 years.

Spaceman: "and now that women are kicking ass across the board, those macho losers can't face up to the competition! I say GROW UP."

HTWD: Do you think he ever gets out of bed in the morning and says, "I'm a lame Howard Stern rip-off artist! What happened to my dream of owning my own Choco-Taco distribution business?!?"

<Quinn spots a yellow light ahead and speeds up to make it. He realizes too late that all the cars perpendicular to him are running their red light. Horns honk as he swerves and avoids a collision and continues through the intersection.>

TBH: Jimmy Christmas! I must have Slid to L.A from the way they drive!

<Shaken, Quinn keeps driving>

Spaceman: "Well, I got some good news and some bad news."

SL4: This is my last day here on this station. The bad news is that I've got a job at a radio station with a greater range.

Spaceman: "The good news is that the Brooklyn Dodgers lost again last night, and you know how much I hate the Dodgers."

HTWD: I still can't get within ten feet of a baseball bat without fainting. Those bastards.

Spaceman: "The bad news is that Dukakis says he's gonna seek another term."

TBH: And I think two terms as Deputy Dog is quite enough!

<Quinn frowns, glancing at the radio>

SL4: He sounds less on crack than usual! Something is amiss!

Spaceman: "Now, don't get me wrong, as President, The Duke's been an okay Prez."

HTWD: But we all know that Vice President Victoria Principal really calls the shots.

Spaceman: "but I was hoping they'd convince Jack Kennedy to make a run for it."

TBH: If they can dry him out from his six Playmate a day habit.

Spaceman: "Apparently JFK's enjoying his retirement a little too much and doesn't need the hassle of a campaign. And who can blame him? If I was married to Marilyn I'd probably never get out of bed!"

SL4: Oh great. I needed the thought that this annoying bastard lusts after women 40 years older than him. She'd be, what, 185 in 1996?

Quinn <stopping for a red light> : "Weird, Spaceman. Weird and not real funny."

HTWD: If he JUST NOW noticed that Spaceman is weird and unfunny then I have to downgrade him from "Genius" to "Annoyingly Smart."