TBH: <mimicking Blinker> : You have out of control hair too?

Wilkins: "Your friend and our Commander are being held in the same facility until tomorrow."

SL4: At which time they will be sent to the hell that is Disneyland. They'll be broken within a day.

Wilkins: "Commander Welles is about to be shipped to Moscow for a very public execution."

HTWD: Yeah, but it'll be the Moscow public. It's not like it's New York or anything. Yawn.

Quinn: "Then we're going to have to move quickly."

SL4: Then you'd better give Arturo a head start.

Wilkins: "What do you have in mind?"

TBH: I'm thinking spider monkeys. Lots of them. The Ruskies won't know what hit them!

Quinn: "A raid."

SL4: Oooo, a panty raid. :-P

Doc: "Look kid. Don't you think we would have already done that if it were at all possible?"

HTWD: Well, you DID have Wade as your commander, so how bright can all of you be????

Quinn: "Yes, but you're forgetting. The warden here is on our side."

TBH: <mimicking Arturo> : Um, if you'll excuse me, I just remembered a crucial appointment...

ThomasMalthus: Speaking of appointments, it's your turn on the Story Game, SL4ever.

SL4: Oh, um, too bad because some moron put their gum on this theater seat and I'm stuck to it now. Sorry, you'll just have to skip me.

TM: If you don't get your >:-# over to the Story Cave this instant I'll tell everyone it was YOU who stole the Rocky Road ice cream out of the Cave freezer. The women will draw and quarter you!

SL4: But I didn't ... I'd never ... so you saw me swipe it, eh? Oh well, if I must I must. <leaves his seat and exits the theater.>

TM: <taking his seat> : Ewwwww, there really IS gum in this seat! Those smegheads!

<Scene change to Arturo, dressed as a Soviet General, being pushed along under protest.> : "What if they don't believe me?"

TM: You have the whiny, bitchy tone of a Soviet General down cold. They'll believe you.

Arturo: "What if I'M still at work?"

TBH: Then you'll finally have the perfect Whist partner. Now quit crying and haul that elephantine >:-# !!!

Wilkins: "Your double works banker's hours."

HTWD: I'm shocked! I had him for a workaholic!

Wilkins: "Just play your part and everything will be fine..."

TBH: <mimicking Wilkins muttering to himself> : I just hope General Arturo's wife, Hillary Rodham Arturo doesn't show up. There's no way our Arturo could fake loving her.

<Wilkins, Arturo, Quinn, and Pat take the lead jeep and Wade and the other commandos pile into a truck.>

Arturo: "I'll have you know, Mr. Mallory, I could be at home, sipping saki and watching Jeopardy."

TM: I could be doing that too, but I'm not a total smegging LOSER.

Quinn: "Yeah, I know. It's Tournament of Champions week. I miss it too."

TM: The only part I miss is Alex's all-consuming arrogance. It is a marvel to behold.

Wilkins <handing Quinn a Glock> : "If they discover he's an impostor, hit the ground running and don't be shy about using this."

<Quinn looks uncertainly at the gun in his hand.>

HTWD: Channel season four! You can do it, Quinn!

Doc <leaning to Wade in the back of the truck.> : "You know that if we fail tonight, the entire West Coast uprising will be finished, extinguished. Everything, finished."

TBH: I got news for you, Bones. If the entire West Coast Uprising can fit in two troop trucks and a jeep, you're already finished!

Wade: "Then we won't fail."

TM: That's the spirit! That's probably the only thing that keeps you going since every series you're involved with gets canceled in its infancy.

<The trucks and jeep approach a sentry post outside the targeted compound. A sentry stops the jeep.> : "Citizen General sir, what are you doing here?"

HTWD: In about five seconds I'm demonstrating what happens to lackeys who question my movements. Then, after that, I'm pulling my boot OUT of your >:-# and then I'm continuing on into the compound like someone who RUNS THIS F-ING PLACE which, the last time I checked, I DO!

Arturo: "Since when do I have to explain my movements to you, solider?"

TBH: <mimicking sentry's voice> : Since your uniform had a tag dangling down from it reading, "Maid, Hitler, and Soviet General Uniforms R Us."

Sentry: "My apologies sir..."

TM: Not good enough! GUARDS! Shoot him!!!!!!

Sentry: "... I was just ... "

HTWD: ... feeling suicidal and there aren't any high buildings to jump off of so I thought I would >:-# with you.

Sentry: "... well, surprised to see you at this hour."

TBH: You know, when hardened sentries are SHOCKED to see you after hours, you're a hard core clock watcher for real!

Arturo: "I'll overlook it this time."

TM: IF you gimmie a donut from that box I see in the guard shack.

Arturo: "Now ... open the gate."

HTWD: Or do I have to order my men to open it with your forehead?

Sentry: "But, what are these trucks doing here?"

TBH: And the column of out-of-uniform, haphazardly armed people marching behind the trucks? And the bugle boy playing the American National Anthem, and the two people carrying American flags. There is something odd about all this, sir.

Sentry: "I have no authorization..."

TM: Very well, a post in Siberia it is then. Who's next in charge behind this soon to be living the rest of his short assed life in agonizing freeziness tin soldier here?

Arturo: "A surprise defense readiness test. And of course you wouldn't know anything about it!"

HTWD: Because you're a stupid sentry! A stupid little sentry who is never kept in the loop! Bad sentry!

Arturo: "If the revolutionary dogs launched a raid, do you think they'd call you to say they were coming?"

TBH: No, but only because dogs have trouble with touch tone phones. But still, the barking would be some warning...

HTWD: <sighs> : These Soviets have an awful dog fetish. What is up with that? It's rebel dogs this and revolutionary dogs that ... the only politics dogs get into is food and sex!

Arturo: "You will open the gate and you will maintain radio silence."

TM: Oh, and if my buddies in American tanks show up, let them in too. It's part of the "defense readiness" test.

Arturo: "There must be no warning to the people in the main facility."

TBH: <mimicking Arturo> : Otherwise our raid will not be successful. D'oh! I said that bit out loud, didn't I? It's hard to tell the difference when you're my age.

Arturo: "Do you understand?"

Sentry <glancing uneasily at the others> : "Understood, sir."

HTWD: We are mindless automatons. Shall we bend over and let you spank our plump bottoms as well, sir?

Arturo: "Very well."

TM: One more thing. Put this blond wig on and squeal like a pig. It amuses me.

Sentry: "But I will need a hand print identification before allowing your team to pass."

HTWD: Keep pushing me and I'll make you do the happy sprinkle dance while squealing like a pig.

Sentry <reading Arturo's look> : "Policy sir. Your own in fact."

TBH: Oh, and sir? Your very own policy also states that YOU have to squeal like a pig before entering! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Arturo: "I'm well aware of my own policies, mister!"

TM: When all else fails, bellow like a hippo in heat. Gets 'em every time.

<Another sentry arrives with the handprinting scanner. Arturo places his right hand on it.>

Sentry: "LEFT HAND, sir."

HTWD: Whoever gathered intelligence for this mission needs his >:-# whipped. They're making Arturo look like Forrest Gump.

<The scan is complete and Arturo is identified as the Citizen General.> Sentry: "Forgive the formality sir, but I was only following..."

TBH: ... Following. Yes, yes. You're going to be doing a lot of following at your new post at my yak farm as the official pooper scooper.

Arturo: "You did a fine job, soldier. Tell me your name and I'll see that you're commended."

TM: AHHHH! Who told that pompous smegger to embellish and go off the beaten track???????

Sentry: "But ... you know my name, sir."

HTWD: I'm married to your daughter! At the wedding last week you said I was the finest soldier in the army and you'd never forget how happy I've made your daughter! And just two hours ago we talked for a while and you called me by my name 15 times!

Sentry: "Lt. Karpov. You selected me for this post."

TBH: Is that all??? He's supposed to remember you from that? There are only 50 million posts around the base. How arrogant are you????

Arturo <laughing it off> : "Of course I did, Karpov, it was a joke."

TM: In that case I suggest you NEVER, EVER, EVER attempt another joke in your entire life! Leave jokes to professionals before you hurt yourself.

Arturo: "You've got to learn to relax a bit."

HTWD: That's what we want, a relaxed gate guard! Will someone do whatever is necessary to shut Arturo the hell up before he gets us all killed???????? Stuff a coney dog in his mouth, I don't care what it takes!

Arturo: "You will ignore all warning bells and alarms triggered by this mock raid."

TBH: You will also ignore any gunfire and screams of agonizing pain which are suddenly cut off as if the person's head had been blown off. You will ignore all explosions and the like.

Arturo: "We must do our utmost to conduct this test in as real a manner as possible."

TM: OH! We're going for reality then? Would the guards be ignoring the warning bells in a real situation??? Would the rebels be allowed to pass through the gate in a real situation? A real situation would have you storming the fences and handling whatever drama the alarms summon, right???

<The gate goes up. The jeep and trucks start passing through.>

HTWD: Wait a minute, Arturo! Don't you want to ask any of them about their wives and kids? Or how about experimenting with your remedial knowledge of Russian? Surely there is some other way you can try to muck this all up???

<The Sentry reaches for the phone after some hesitation.>

TBH: Obviously he has reason to be suspicious. But the dude passed a hand print test and looks exactly like General Arturo! Does he think the General has a twin? Does he know about Sliding? If he calls anyone he should call someone to dry an obviously drunk General out.

Sentry: "Put me through to the home of Citizen General Arturo..."

TM: ... I don't care if this IS his Tupperware party night! I need to talk to him! It's important!

SL4: <entering theater> : Time's up, Cha-cha. Pony up that seat.

TM: You can have it! Whichever horrid individual was chewing gum in this seat needs their >:-# spanked! <TM departs to go change pants and rejoin the Story Game.>

SL4: <sitting down, pulling out a stick of Wriggly's "extra sticky" gum and popping it in his mouth> : So, where were we?

TBH: We're entering the seventh and final act. Ratings are at an all time low so we have to increase funniness, raunchiness, and annoyance.

SL4: I can plainly do that. :-P~~~~~~