SL4: Hey, watch it. You don't know where that's been.

TBH: Yeah, Dom Deluise could have just walked by!

Remmy: "Home."

HTWD: No, it isn't.

Wade: "Home."

HTWD: Are you deaf?

Arturo: "No place like it."

TBH: I get it now. This is a Wizard of Oz riff.

Remmy <checking his watch> : "7:25. I can almost still make it."

SL4: Sorry Remmy, but I don't think this world is any more tone deaf than Earth Prime.

Remmy: "If I had a car that is."

HTWD: Oh, you just want everything, don't you?

Remmy <glaring at Quinn> : "You're gonna explain all this to the insurance boys, Q-Ball."

TBH: Um, excuse me. May I interject something? This man just DISCOVERED A WAY TO TRAVEL TO PARALLEL WORLDS!!!!! He's gonna be a trillionare! He can buy you a fleet of crappily colored Caddys with pocket money! I suggest dropping the 'tude and sucking up!

Remmy: "Gonna have to tell them that my beautiful red sled is..."

SL4: ... an eyesore that we're glad to be rid of!

Remmy: "...on another planet, where it's stuck in a freakin' iceberg!"

TBH: Which adult males say "freakin"? What a lack of commitment! Either cuss or don't you >:-#-ing >:-# >:-# >:-#-er!!!!!

Remmy: "THEY'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE THAT WHEN I PUT IN MY CLAIM!!!"

HTWD: This isn't like seeing aliens, Remmy. He can take anyone through the vortex with him. If you were home, he could take insurance boy through as easily as he did you. Or, the insurance people can simply pick up the paper and read about the Nobel Prize committee flying here to personally deliver his Prize.

Wade: "We'll worry about that later Mr. Brown. Right now you've got an anthem to sing!"

SL4: Gee, thanks for reminding him. We almost dodged a bullet until you got the ole helpful urge!

Remmy: "Right, right, gotta get moving. Gotta catch a cab."

TBH: Don't you mean "gotta catch a 'freakin' cab" Brutus?

Remmy: "That's what a man without a car is forced to do."

HTWD: Wanna find out what a man without teeth is forced to eat?

Remmy: "Don't you NEVER do that again, y'hear?"

SL4: Okay, I won't never again accidentally take you Sliding with me while you're driving a hideous Caddy to an ice world where you'll wreck your car into an iceberg and be forced to leave it behind when an ice tornado threatens us. You got it! Never again!

<Remmy storms off, looking for a cab>

TBH: Hey, while you're looking for a cab why don't you practice the anthem really loudly? The Soviet soldiers will love that!

Wade: "God, Quinn, that was better than virtual reality!"

SL4: Saturday morning cartoons are better than 1995's virtual reality capabilities!

Wade: "It WAS reality!"

HTWD: You're talking to someone who figured out 90% of Sliding by himself and a University Professor, sweetie. I think they're aware of what is reality and what is not.

Wade: "I wanna call home and talk to my folks. Be right back."

TBH: I hate to break it to you, but your folks on this world are gonna be on the taco line for another six hours.

Quinn <after Wade dashes off> : "To tell you the truth, I'm kinda sorry we're back."

SL4: Oh, so you like having your nads so cold they're smaller than Al Gore's charisma level?

Quinn: "I mean, just think of all the other worlds out there, and how much fun we'd have exploring them."

HTWD: Who says prayers aren't answered? The wishing fairy was like, "bend over and I'll grant your wish in spades!"

Quinn: "It seems kinda dull to be back home."

TBH: You've spent your teenage years reading technical books and building stuff in your basement, of COURSE you think home is boring!

Arturo: "Think of that tornado and count your blessings."

SL4: There's a fine line between being sensible and being a scared >:-#.

TBH: He crossed that line back in the basement; what are you talking about?

Quinn: "The preset controls are shorted."

HTWD: Grrr. Who built this piece of ... oh yeah. Never mind.

Quinn: "I wonder why it brought us to the park instead of my basement like it's supposed to?"

SouthernSlider: SL4EVER!!!!

SL4: Huh? Why are you here? We're riffing the Pilot.

TBH: I knew we should have locked the door... saaaaay. For an old tamale she's a hot tamale!

HTWD: She doesn't look like a heated Mexican dish to me.

SS: I SAID I had to be out of this story cave by 9-2 and I can't be out of this cave until the storm passes over. Now, what date is it?

SL4: Um, 9-2? Is it my turn on the story game?

TBH: Who cares about a college football game?

SS: One more word from you and I'll have to show you how I treat unruly wee ones! And yes, riff-boy, it IS and HAS BEEN for days now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SL4: Okay, okay. But you stay here and keep riffing. I have to get this ep out, it's been delayed enough by work already.

SS: <sitting> Roll it!

Quinn: "I wonder why it brought us to the park instead of my basement like it's supposed to?"

SS: Probably because, like all things created by males, it refused to stop on the way and ask directions.

<SL4 leaves the MSTie part of the cave and travels through several storage caves to the Story Cave.>

Arturo: "Maybe that's what your double was trying to warn you about."

HTWD: That and how one out of five Arturos turn evil and lock their doubles in the basement.

Arturo: "Perhaps speeding up the timer has unforeseen side effects."

TBH: I can't imagine what harm could be done by Sliding before the timer has run out. Oh, except maybe STRANDING YOU IN THE MULTIVERSE FOR FIVE YEARS!!!!

Arturo <stopping suddenly> : "Dear God. It's Lenin."

SS: Make up your mind. Which is it, God or Lenin?

Quinn: "Yeah? So where's McCartney?"

HTWD: Holing up somewhere regretting the years he spent protesting the very research that gave his wife extra years of life maybe? Or maybe he's touring for his new album. Who knows?

<camera focuses in on statue of Lenin in the park.>

TBH: Nice goatee, Lenny. What is it with creators of tyrannical governments and bad facial hair? Were they laughed at all through life so their revenge is to rule the world?

Arturo: "Nicolai Ilich Ulyanov Lenin."

SS: How big of a nerd do you have to be to know all four of his names?

Arturo: "Has this always been...?"

HTWD: You know all four of Lenin's names and you don't know if a statue of the founder of Soviet Russia is supposed to be in a park in San Francisco????

Quinn: "It was Lincoln, Professor. Abraham Lincoln."

TBH: Thanks for clarifying which Lincoln you meant. I thought you meant Simon Lincoln.

<Scene change to Remmy hailing a cab. He climbs inside.>

Remmy: "Candlestick, my man. And step on it!"

SS: And don't try taking me the scenic route, like down Gulag Street. I KNOW San Fran!

<The cabbie drives away as a commercial comes over the radio.> : "Tell me comrades, is your carpet REALLY clean?"

TBH: That's kinda a personal question, isn't it?

HTWD: I hate groin cleanser commercials.

Commercial: "When you drop to your knees ..."

SS: Hey, hey, HEY! Commercials are out of control these days!

Commercial: "... to give thanks to the Supreme Leader, does your rug look as drab as yesterday's cabbage?"

TBH: I didn't think it was possible for radio commercials to be ANY more tedious and corny, but this just goes to show you that Communism can make anything worse.

Remmy: "Hey Payvill, could ya hurry it along a little?"

HTWD: I didn't get this Rolex by hurrying people to their destinations, buddy.

Pavel: "Parinska illiumavitch resnit!"

SS: That's easy for you to say.

Remmy: "Immigrants. If you're gonna live in the land, you gotta learn the language."

TBH: Show me "gonna" and "gotta" in the dictionary and I'll go along with you.

Remmy: "Well, do the best you can, chief. And hey, could you turn on the Giants game while you're at it?"

HTWD: Um, I really hate to point this out, but if the game has started, why the hell are you still going to the stadium? The anthem is BEFORE the game starts!

Remmy: "You know. Baseballski?"

SS: Ha ha. Very clever. See, he added a "ski" at the end of it to turn it into a Russian word. ROTFL!!! Hey, why aren't you two laughing?

TBH: We're crying - er - laughing on the inside.

Pavel: "Baseball? Reds? Reds game?"

HTWD: On second thought, why don't you focus on driving? It's obvious you need all your brainpower for that task.

Remmy: "Yeah. Baseball game. Capice?"

SS: Yes, yes. Speak Italian to a Russian guy. Makes perfect sense.

Pavel <changes the station. The booming sound of Internationale fills the cab> : "Anthem!"

TBH: If you say so. Personally I think it sounds like a platypus throwing up.

Remmy: "Damn!" <slowly, so slowly, it dawns on Remmy that something is wrong.> "That don't sound right. Must be playin' a Canadian team."

HTWD: Here it is, folks. The first in a series-long tradition of Canada bashing on Sliders.

<Scene change to the other three Sliders walking out of the park. Wade spots a phone booth.> "Um, listen, I wanna call home, talk to my folks. I'll be right back."

TBH: Am I going insane? Didn't she just call them five minutes ago? Not even Madonna when she first reached puberty had to check in with her folks this much!

SS: I gotta believe that one of those phone calls was cut before the final script.

<Arturo and Quinn are drawn to a public speaker. The banner behind him identifies him as a US Senator. It takes Quinn a moment to recognize that the speaker is Crazy Kenny, the speaker to pigeons> : "Friends of the state will always be rewarded."

HTWD: They only have to wait two hours for bread.

CK: "But enemies MUST be purged from the body."

TBH: Pepto Bismol will clear that right up, buddy.

CK: "The imperialist so-called American Underground is being crushed as we speak..."

SS: Can you crush Georgia Tech next?

CK: "It is only a matter of time before the last of their kind are wiped from the face of our land!"

HTWD: And then we can focus on more important things like making sure there are enough limos and caviar for all our leaders.

Arturo: "What in the world is he babbling about?"

TBH: Jesus God Almighty these people are slow! These are supposed to be two very sharp guys, and they're the ONLY ones who don't know they're on a parallel world!!!!! EVEN A STONER WHO SCORED 12 ON HIS S.A.T. KNOWS THAT THEY'RE ON A PARALLEL WORLD!

Quinn: "Y'know, I've never been able to figure that out. But now people are actually listening to him!"

SL4: You haven't seen TV on this world yet. I'd also rather listen to him than watch "As the Books Burn."

<Wade picks up the pay phone.> Operator: "PT&T. We want you back."

SS: So do ten million Sliders fans.

Wade: "Excuse me?"

Operator: "If you switched from PT&T to PT&T2 we want you back."

HTWD: And if you didn't switch, smeg you, we already have you.

Operator: "And now, thanks to our 'Comrades call Comrades' program you can save up to six rubles a year when you call long distance to the motherland."

TBH: Six rubles a year????????? Woo Hoo!! Sign me up! That's about 1 cent savings per call! :-P~~~~

Wade: "PT&T? What is this? I just wanna make a phone call."

SS: Want, want, want. It's always about what YOU want, isn't it?

Operator: "Identify. This is operator 9-3-4. Identify."

HTWD: Um, my name is Executive and I think you all are sissies! My e-mail address is...

Operator: "This is operator 9-3-4. You will state your telephone permit number NOW."

TBH: Oh, bite my shiny metal ass! Come and get me. As I said, my name is Executive!

Operator: "You are in violation of Section 33956 of the California penal code. Your location has been traced."

SS: Nice of them to let her know that. I like courteous Gestapo.

Operator: "Please remain with this unit until a communications security team arrives. Failure to do so will ..."

HTWD: ...result in your Tetris privileges being revoked.

Wade: "Thanks ... I'll try again later."

TBH: On the second Tuesday of next week.

<Wade drops the phone and backs out of the phone booth.>

SS: I know dear, the Baby Bells get weirder and more aggressive each year.

<Wade rushes back to the other two> : "Quinn, there's something I gotta tell you."

HTWD: I'm ovulating! Take me! NOW!

Quinn: "I know. We never made it home."

TBH: What was your first >:-#-ing clue????

<scene change to Remmy in the cab.> Radio announcer: "Tonight's game is brought to you by Red Bear Beer..."

SS: Which tastes like Red Bear >:-#.

RA: "when quotas are reached, reach for a Red Bear Beer."

HTWD: ...and toss it down the toilet. Then reach for Coors!

<The cab slows for the toll booth.> Pavel: "Insk vla hordka minishkin."

TBH: Loosely translated, that means "Ink makes horrid minestrone soup."

Remmy <concerned now> : "Oh, I gotcha. You need some moolah for the toll."

SS: Some money would be even better.

<Remmy pulls out a dollar bill and hands it to the cabbie. The cabbie stares at it, frowning.>

HTWD: NEVER hand American money out when you Slide to a Soviet controlled world! Haven't you learned anything?????

<When they reach the toll booth, Pavel leaps from the cab and jabbers excitedly to the woman in the toll booth. The woman presses a button and a loud alarm and flashing lights result.>

TBH: Well you can forget about your >:-# >:-#-ed tip, snitch!

<Soldiers race out form a nearby barracks and Pavel shows the bill to them and points back at Remmy.>

TBH: As a matter of fact, forget about me paying you ANYthing! This is customer service???

<Soldiers surround the cab. Five Soviet Koloshnikov rifles are aimed at Remmy's head. He slinks down in his seat.>

Remmy: "Y'all need exact change, is that it?"

SS: Is that your final answer?

SL4: Um, the story is over. And, I couldn't finish it in time. I'm sorry! Please don't kill me!

SS: <rising>: You're lucky the DAWGS won anyway. Here's your seat back.

TBH: Do you really have to go? You killed!

SS: Awww, it's easy with you guys for inspiration.

SL4: Gee, thanks guys. Really, from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate how much I was missed.

HTWD: Oh, quit whining and take your smegging seat!