The Crapparatus

The Pilot [early draft script]

Written by Tracy Tormé
Story by Tormé and Robert K. Weiss

MSTed by SL4ever

Script courtesy earth62.net

The Riffers

Timmy Bighands: Not as hungry but just as irritated.

Henry The Wonder Dog: Hideously annoyed that he is the only talking dog in the multiverse, so he takes it out on everything and everyone.

The Premise

One fine summer, SL4ever goes hiking in the mountains carrying a backpack filled with only the essentials: plenty of PIE and his entire Sliders tape collection. Of course, he is quickly lost.

After three days of wandering around and subsisting only on PIE crust, wild scallions, and a raspberry lollipop, he finally discovers a cabin. In it he finds Henry The Wonder Dog (so THAT'S where he disappeared to!) and Timmy BigHands. They tell him that it's a two mile walk back to civilization. After discovering their fridge and pantry are full, SL4ever decides that's way too far to walk.

Timmy and Henry are bored out of their skulls since they have a VCR but only Richard Simmons "Purging to the Oldies" tapes to watch. Since all three of them are irritable by nature, they find themselves riffing the eps mercilessly.

The Pilot - Part I

<establishing shot of Quinn's house>

TBH: Hey, let's >:-# with Quinn by running up there and oiling the gate!

<interior shot of Quinn's bedroom>

SL4: His housekeeper is Dom Deluise.

<cat comes into frame>

HTWD: Cat! It's what's for dinner!

TBH: Speak for yourself.

<Quinn suddenly sits up>

TBH: Oh my God! That WAS me in Can't Hardly Wait!

<Quinn glances at the alarm clock as it goes off>

Man on Radio: "Morning Bay Area. Spaceman here."

SL4: I wonder how long it took him to think THAT name up.

HTWD: "Ace" was already taken.

Spaceman: "shatterin' your sleep with the truth and nothing but."

TBH: The truth is, I get paid more in a year than you will in your life to sit here on my ever widening >:-# and be so annoying that you're forced to roll over and turn me off and get out of bed.

Spaceman: "Friends, I fear we're being invaded. Hordes of Earthquake-freaked So. Cals are flocking to our city, bringing all the wonderful things that make L.A. so special:"

TBH: Riots?

HTWD: Liberal leash laws?

SL4: NFL Football ... oh wait, never mind.

Spaceman: "carjackings,"

SL4: Isn't that what got Jimmy Swaggart in trouble?

HTWD: Um, no.

Spaceman: "tacos,"

HTWD: Yep, the first thing I think of when I hear "L.A." is tacos.

Spaceman: "drivebys, and silicon."

TBH: Just wait a couple years and we'll get to see silicon every week on Sliders!

Spaceman: "Some might say I'm being paranoid."

SL4: Especially everyone who's out to get me!

Spaceman: "but believe me, I can smell a Dodger fan a mile away.

TBH: Because the chili they serve in Dodger Stadium gives you more gas than a bean and cabbage casserole.

Spaceman: "They're here. You've been warned. Food for thought from your humble Spaceman,"

HTWD: You sound about as humble as Dennis Miller after a two week heroin binge.

Spaceman: "loyal greenblooded siren of the airwaves."

<Quinn turns off the radio and rolls out of bed.>

SL4: I'll give Charlie a job if you'll turn that bastard off quicker next time.

<scene change. Quinn's mother cooks breakfast in the kitchen.>

Miss Mallory: "Morning."

TBH: Oh God, not one of those cheerful morning >:-#-ers. Just shoot me now!

<MM puts breakfast on the table>

<Quinn grabs the cat food out of the pantry>

HTWD: He's a dimensional genius but he'd rather have cat food than eggs and bacon?

Quinn: Ma, I gotta fly. I got a million things...

SL4: I have to fire my agent because of my last two disastrous movies. I gotta spread some more "me and Buffy" rumors. I gotta visit the Sliders board under my handle Executive...

MM: "Eat. You're too much like your father."

TBH: Decomposing underground?

MM: "up all night. Working crazy hours. And look what happened to him; he worked himself to death."

SL4: Initiate forced backstory dialogue ... NOW.

Quinn: "Ma ... Dad was hit by a car."

HTWD: Um, in case you forgot.

MM: "But he was on his way to work. That is my POINT."

TBH: That's about as logical as having a lightweight like Val Kilmer play Batman.

MM: "He had too much on his mind."

Quinn: "Better than too little."

SL4: Whew! Nice comeback! You'd think this guy was a child genius or something!

MM: "Is that the same shirt you had on yesterday?"

HTWD: So, so far we know that his Mom occasionally forgets how her husband died, Quinn likes to have cat food for breakfast and he is one of those nasty mendicants who wears their clothes two days in a row.

Quinn <checks his pits> : "What? I took a shower."

SL4: I think I'm gonna throw up.

TBH: They made it clear right from the beginning that he was not going to be a romantic force on this show, didn't they?

MM: "Young man, there's a pile of clean clothes on the dryer. Run downstairs and pick something."

HTWD: But DON'T pick my black teddy like you did last time!

Quinn: "Well, it's about time you got to those. That pile's been on my floor for a week."

SL4: Are they TRYING to make us ill here?

Quinn: "And when are you going to make up my room?"

TBH: This is a good way to get a frying pan upside your head in most homes.

MM <snaps a dish towel at him> : "You just watch it buster. Two more semesters and I'm turning this place into a bed and breakfast."

HTWD: I got news for you, granny, it ALREADY is one!

Quinn: "I got dibs on the basement."

TBH: It's the only place that will contain my 5,000 tape porn library.

<Quinn heads down to the basement>

MM: "That's the only reason you're not on the streets already. It'd take years to get rid of all that junk."

SL4: I haven't seen family closeness this artificial since the last time Bill and Hillary walked hand in hand in public.

Quinn: "It's not junk. Ow!"

TBH: Isn't it early in the show for him to be tripping over the holes in the plot?

MM <petting the cat and looking at the family photo stuck on the fridge door> : "You know, Michael, I worry about that kid sometimes."

HTWD: Personally, I worry about anyone not named Haley Joel Osmont who talks to dead people.

MM: "He's too smart for his own good."

TBH: That's just something dumb people say to make themselves feel better.

Quinn <returning with clean shirt> : "Who're you talking to?"

SL4: I'm holding a cat, moron. Wouldn't you assume I was one of those cat freaks who talk to them?

MM: "Your father and I were just having a private conversation."

TBH: Ooooooooookay. Well, I think I'll go have a private conversation with whoever has been supplying your medication.

Quinn: "Well, tell him I said hi."

HTWD: Oh, and tell him he owes me $150,000 in back allowance.

<Quinn makes a quick sandwich with the toast, bacon, and eggs>

SL4: Put some hot sauce on that sucker! NO, you fool!!!! Grrrrrr.

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