Aagh! We've got post sign!

From: (EXECUTIVE)
Date: 1 Aug 1997 07:41:26

One thing that never made any sense in this series is how the Sliders can go from one Earth to the next without so many important supplies and provisions.

[ Another thing which never made any sense was how Executive can use a computer to make these lame postings, but he can't compose a single cogent thought. ]

Here is a partial list of items I would like to see our heroes carry with them in their 4th season interdimensional travels:

[ Here is a partial list of things I'd like to see Executive have with him in his daily adventures:

• A paper bag to cover his head (or better still, a plastic one)
• Humility
• A brain
• The knowledge that he was wrong about Quinn and Maggie being a couple (among other things he got wrong, like the location of Tunguska, his uninformed reasons for why Logan couldn't be Quinn's double, etc, etc, etc) ]

* Walkie talkies, on those occasions when they need to split up on a world.

* Handguns (with actual permits to carry them) and plenty of ammo.

[ That should really be a big help when they hit a "Gun Control" world, or any world where permits differ from the ones they possess. ]

* Several changes of clothing and a laundry disk (saves $$$ on
detergent and lasts for years).

[ Enough clothing changes to last for years? How are they going to carry all of that anyways? Perhaps they can get one of those standard backpacks that are the size of a football field to carry it. ]

* Tools for fixing the timer. This would include a screwdriver, a
combination amp/ohm meter, a soldering iron, and at least one roll of solder.

[ How big is the roll of solder? Well, I guess when you're carrying years' worth of clothing, it doesn't matter. ]

* Spare parts from Mallory's original timer (assuming they still have it).

[ Why bother? It's not like "plausibility" is an inherent part of your stupid list, or any of your "theories" about anything in SLIDERS. ]

* Replacement batteries for both timers.

* Replacement batteries for the walkie talkies (optional).

[ Optional, huh? I guess there's nothing more useful than a walkie talkie that you can't use when the original batteries go dead, eh Ex? I see you plan about as competently as you compose an argument. ]

* Driver's licenses and other forms of ID so they can get off their lazy butts and work more often!!

[ Or they could just waste people's time by hanging around a library to post lame parodies, bad stories and attacks on TF on the internet, all the while claiming to be entrepreneurs, like Executive! *shudder* ]

* Hairbrushes for the ladies, a comb for Quinn, afro cream for
Rembrandt, and shaving kits for everyone.

[ Afro cream for the afro he doesn't have, right? Come to that, since Quinn is the only one you'd allow with a comb, how is Rembrandt supposed to comb his hair anyway? Your foresight is matched only by your ability to write something intelligent. ]

* Toothpaste, toothbrushes, and breathmints.

[ For everyone, or just for Quinn? Gee, it'd be really neat to see the others deal with their gingivitis, gum disease and tooth decay, wouldn't it? ]

* Condoms for Quinn and Rembrandt

[ Wow, now that is clever. And ever so funny. Since this is stuff you'd like to actually see them carrying, how'd you like to see this scintillating detail conveyed? Perhaps they could bring it up when they raid a Kromagg detention center:

QUINN (after shooting three Kromaggs): Wow Remmy, I'm sure glad I brought those condoms.
REMBRANDT: I hear ya, Q-Ball. I'm glad I got mine too! Now let's kill some Maggs and get out of here!

or perhaps:

QUINN (after suffocating a Kromagg by putting a condom on the Kromagg's head): Good thing we listened to Exec and bought those condoms.

REMBRANDT: Yeah, but it's too bad we listened to all his other suggestions. Otherwise Maggie wouldn't have been killed when the weight of all those extra clothes we were carrying crushed her.

I suppose I had better be careful or else Executive will take me seriously and include this in his next story ]

* "The Inter-World Handbook", which outlines the political, economic, and social structures, and well as the histories of 5328 Earths. This important text is also available as part of The Parallel Earth Sliding Kit.

[ Geez, you never get tired of advertizing that trite, piece of crap parody of yours, do you? Ah yes, I recall this item. It's the microdot book. Of course, you'll need a machine to read the microdots, but with twenty tons of clothing to carry, what's another couple hundred pounds? ]

* An English to Kromagg / Kromagg to English translation dictionary. Absolutely must be memorized in its entirety by ALL members of the group.

[ Interesting. Have you ever heard of anyone learning how to speak a language merely by reading a dictionary? It doesn't work that way, Mr Linguistics. Noam Chomsky, you are not. ]

* Backpacks (specially equipped with gun holster side attachments), so they can carry all of this crap!

[ Crap is right. Yeah, a holster is so much better to have on a backpack than on an individual who may need to have access to the weapon quickly. ]

* THE EXECUTIVE

[ Are you seriously putting yourself on the list of things to be taken with the sliders? Now THAT is funny. Well, let's look at the uses for THE EXECUTIVE in the group's adventures:

• infiltrator, as he has a panache for impersonating others, especially on this board (c.f. his impersonation of me as "Daniel_2").
• bait for any rabid animals
• torturer - he writes lame parodies and stories so bad that they may as well be parodies (CRISIS, anyone?), then reads them to the stock villain of the week, forcing him/her to commit ritual seppuku to make the agony stop.
• His empty head makes a good place to hide valuable items, since there certainly isn't anything of value up there as it is.
• The constant hurricane-force blasts of hot air coming from his mouth can keep the group toasty warm in cold climates, or may be used to inflate hot air balloons to escape.
• On worlds where intelligence is frowned upon, Executive will quickly climb the social ladder and become supreme ruler of the world. Of course, his lack of intelligence will result in complete failure to get what is needed and will likely end in his alienating any people who work with him, but Ex will help them escape by shifting the blame to someone else, as he has demonstrated on numerous occasions on numerous boards.
• Any time something bad happens, Executive just changes the past so that it never occurred. This is done through willful and constant denial of the facts, even in the face of logic and reason. ]