TBH: What about all this groveling to get back with your wife after singing 5,000 songs about wanting to kill her?

SL4ever: Hey guys! Whacho doing?

HTWD: Hey! Look Em! It's Captain Loser, finally back from the West Coast! He's the only bigger loser than you right now.

Eminem: Cool. Well, I gotta go, I'm auditioning for a Chicken in a Biskit commercial in an hour.

TBH: <turns to SL4> : Howdy, Loser. While you were gone the Minnesota Vikings called and said that it'd suck to be you.

SL4: What are you guys doing?

HTWD: This is a séance. We're summoning the deceased careers of some famous people. Next up is James Woods' career. Maybe he can explain why the hell he agreed to that role in Scary Movie 2.

TBH: Don't let him change the subject. The Washington Generals also called-.

SL4: Oh, for the love of Pete --

TBH: That reminds me, when we talked to Pete Townshend's Career he said that associating with losers can turn someone INTO a loser himself. He should know. So we want you to move out right away!

SL4: I can't take this any more! I'm tired of losing! How can I become a better flamer? I'll do anything! Just make the pain go away!

"To beat Cher, first you must be Cher."

SL4: Who are you? And what the >:-# does that mean?

"I am the ghost of Jim Nabors' career. It is simple to become a good flamer. You must become gayer than a WNBA player. Only flamers gayer than Tim Curry in the movie 'Oscar' advance in the tournament."

SL4: How can I become gay? The gayest thing I've ever done is watch "Funny Girl."

"That's an excellent start. But you must do more. You must go into serious gay training. I can be your trainer. In two weeks I can have you gayer than Tom Cruise and Don Johnson put together!"

SL4: Hold your horses! I don't know about being THAT gay! I don't want to be so gay that I can't come back.

"You can't do this halfway. You have to be totally committed or I can't help you."

<SL4ever hesitates.>

TBH: I almost forgot. The makers of "Pearl Harbor" and "A.I." also called-.

SL4: I'll do it! I'll commit myself to turning gay to become a better flamer! I shall drink wine coolers and wear big baggy jeans and get one ear pierced and use "super!" as a one word reply a lot and renounce my football obsession and go see that new Julia Roberts movie and anything else you tell me so that I might become gayer than a male ballerina wearing neon yellow plastic cowboy boots! No one will be able to stand up to the might of SL4ASS!!!

HTWD: This is getting too weird, Timmy. Let's get back to the show!

El Sid - Part VIII

CUT TO:
17 EXT. GOVERNMENT HOUSING - REC ROOM - DAY
Folding chairs in half the room, exercise equipment fills
the rest. Lots of SWEATY WOMEN in leotards are working out.

SL4: WOO HOO!!! Speaking of gay, why didn't THIS make the final cut?

There's a PODIUM in front of the chairs, which are filling up with WOMEN.

TBH: I love WOMEN filling! It is so creamy and delicious. It's not fattening either.

CAMERA FINDS WADE and MICHELE waiting in line at a buffet
table featuring coffee and cookies.

HTWD: They have to force people to attend these things when there's free coffee and cookies? Get real!

MICHELE: I don't understand. Why can't me an' Sid ever get home again?

SL4: Oh goody! Wade's going to explain quantum physics to Michele! This outta be fun!

TBH: This will be like watching Mike Tyson explain the Theory of Relativity to David Spade.

WADE (sorry she said so) : Look, maybe it's not impossible. All I'm saying is we've been trying to get back to our home for a long time and haven't been able to.

TBH: Well, we kinda wouldn't have a series if you got home, now would we, Sweetheart? It's called the "Gilligan's Island Syndrome."

The sweet old biddy in line next to them can't help overhearing. Call her GLADYS.

HTWD: I don't want to! I want to call her Sweet Old Biddy!

GLADYS: If I was you, I'd try not to have any illusions about going home. These re-hab sessions are a sham.

TBH: <mimicking Wade> : If you were me and I were you, I'd be minding my own >:-#-ing business. Long Distance Dippers get shanked in prison.

WADE: Then why have them?

SL4: Without illusions beer and cigarettes would never be sold! White men would never attempt dancing! People would never swallow the idea that Subway had ANYTHING to do with that Jared dude losing 245 pounds!

HTWD: I think she was referring to why have rehab sessions, mendicant.

GLADYS (getting her coffee) : Just to keep us busy, dear. That's all it is.

HTWD: This is proof positive that not even the most Nazi society can keep old biddies from ramming their opinions into anyone who will listen.

She goes off to take her seat. Wade reacts, curious, then turns back to Michele as they fix their coffee.

TBH: <mimicking Wade> : I'm waiting for a Logan's Run world where's we'll finally be free of old biddies for a couple days!

WADE: One good thing; if you don't go home, you don't have to stay with Sid.

SL4: Christ Almighty women work fast! They've known each other ten minutes and they're already trashing each other's boyfriends!

MICHELE (bemused) : No one's making me stay with Sid.

HTWD: Well exccccccccccccuse me! I mistook you for someone who minds being treating as human garbadge.

WADE (defensive) : I didn't mean it like that.., It's just that...

TBH: ... where I come from couples hurt each other financially, not physically. You're sick!

WADE (gropes for words)

SL4: Can I legally change my name to "words" ?

WADE: He doesn't treat you very well ....

HTWD: And the award winning understatement of the month goes to Wade!

MICHELE: Sid's okay. Everyone respects him, and no one would dare lay a finger on me so long as I'm with him.

SL4: So let me get this straight, you like Sid because he prevents anyone but himself from hurting you?

WADE: But he beats you.

TBH: Wade, ... honey, ... sweetheart. You're a dear girl and I adore you for trying but arguing with this brain dead ho is like trying to convince Peckinballs not to >:-# up a series.

MICHELE: What's the difference? Once you're with 'em, they all do it.

HTWD: Hee hee. Male bashing is the second favorite pastime of Sliders writers behind Canada bashing.

SL4: I beg to differ, there were far more male bashing eps. I can think of six right off the top of my head!

WADE: Not on my world.

TBH: <mimicking Wade> : On my world men just ignore me. In fact, I brought one ignoring male with me.

MICHELE (contemptuous) : Yeah? Well, goody for you.

HTWD: Ouch. What is she trying to do, take our jobs?

WADE: Just forget it, okay? Forget I said anything.

SL4: Damn! Just TRY to meddle in someone's business these days! What has this world come to?

WOMAN'S VOICE (over P.A.) : Ladies, take your seats please. Let's get started.

TBH: <mimicking PA woman> : First Thelma is going to read her 10,000 word essay on the various ways men suck. Then Louise is going to compare and contrast Alan Alda with Sean Connery.

Wade turns and heads towards the chairs. Michele reacts, softening. She hurries after her, touches Wade's arm...

HTWD: TEE HEE! That ole "JUST FORGET IT, OKAY?" gambit works like a charm. :-P It's almost as good as the "nothing" response to "what's wrong?"

MICHELE: Look... Maybe it's different where you come from -- with guys like Quinn -- but on my world, there's no choice, so I do what I gotta do.

SL4: Great, now I have images of her "doing what she has to do" in my head! >:-#

WADE: But that's just it... You're not on your world anymore.

TBH: No, she's on prison/death world. Not exactly a ticket upgrade to first class, Miss Smug.

Michele reacts to this as they take their seats. Wade sits next to Gladys.

HTWD: Damn, there's enough nosiness and shrillness between those two to dwarf an entire sewing circle!

WOMAN'S VOICE (over p.a.) Alright, who wants to go first?

<SL4ever gets up and walks into the screen and over to the woman with the PA.> : Give me that >:-#-ing mike!!!! If you're going to talk to us, do it on screen and not at 1,000 decibels!

Gladys stands up and addresses the audience.

TBH: <mimicking Gladys> : I overheard the woman with the PA saying that she keeps a joint inside the mouthpiece and that is why she uses it so much.

GLADYS: My name is Gladys,

HTWD: Hi Gladys!

GLADYS: and I poisoned my neighbor, but I warned her again and again to keep her darn dog in her yard. If she'd just...

TBH: <mimicking Axle Rose> : I used to love her but I had to kill her, ooooooooooooooooyeah.

WOMAN'S VOICE (over p.a., interrupting) : Gladys, we're not going to listen.

SL4: Why, because she doesn't have a big ole PA like you do?

WOMAN'S VOICE: "Step One" is: Stop blaming your victim.

TBH: Remember that when AA sues your asses for infringement.

WOMAN'S VOICE (cont'd) (as Gladys sits) : Now how about you, there, next to Gladys? Why are you here?

TBH: <mimicking Wade> : I took a microphone away from this power freak and shoved it up her >:-#. Sideways. While it was still plugged in. And transmitting.

Michele's amused at Wade, who is at an utter loss for words as we:

HTWD: ... realize, not for the first time, how much of a sadistic >:-# Michele is.

CUT TO:
18 EXT. COMMERCIAL STREET - DAY - L.J.'S TRAM
moves along, with Quinn and L.J. scouring the streets for any sign of Sid.

SL4: There's a sign! Sid's BBQ house! "Try our barbecued ice cream today!"

19 INT. TRAM - L.J. AND QUINN
L.J. is at least as interested in Quinn as in finding Sid.

TBH: <mimicking L.J.> : Who does your hair? Halloween's coming up soon and I'm fresh outta ideas.

L.J.: Man that's weird. You never know what San Francisco's gonna be like until you get there?

SL4: I'll bet there's 5,000,000 panhandlers in every San Francisco! >:-# I'll bet that never changes from world to world.

QUINN: That's right.

L.J.: Ever hit one worse than this?

HTWD: The one where Elvis was still alive and playing in SF was worse. But not many others.

QUINN: Not many.

L.J. digests this until:

HTWD: ... he realizes that he's being had and puts a hurt look on his face.

QUINN (pointing) There he is!

TBH: <mimicking L.J.> Where? <mimicking Quinn> Right there! In the Slappy the Clown suit!

20 EXT. JEWELRY STORE – DAY

SL4: Let me get this straight. There is a jewelry store. In prison??????????

TBH: Yes, I'm afraid so.

SL4: The entire city is a prison?

TBH: Yes it is.

SL4: They've turned the entire city into a prison and inserted all the bad people from across the country.

TBH: Yes they have.

SL4: And not only did they fail to remove all valuable items from any stores located within the perimeter, THEY'RE STILL RUNNING A SMEGGING JEWELRY STORE INSIDE THIS PRISON?????????

TBH: This is what the scriptwriter wants us to believe.

SL4: One moment. I'll be right back. <leaves theater>

HTWD: So apparently there are prisoners working in this jewelry store, and other prisoners come in to buy jewelry.

TBH: Something like that.

SL4ever <returns sucking on a CRACK pipe> : Ahhhhhh. It all makes sense now. Proceed, projectionist!

Sid is loitering outside, looking in. TWO PEOPLE come out

SL4: Those two people are prisoners who wanted to buy some jewelry, you see. <giggles>

and Sid goes in just as L.J.'s TRAM pulls up to the curb.

QUINN (calling) : Sid! Wait!

TBH: I want to help you pick out the engagement ring!

He and L.J. jump out of the tram and run into the store.

HTWD: Our heroes leap from their trusty steed and rush to the rescue, in the next episode of "Tram Cops!" This time it's personal!

21 INT. JEWELRY STORE - CONTINUOUS

The SHOPKEEPER is busy putting display cards back in the case.

SL4: Because that's what jewelry shopkeepers do!

Sid has his hand under his jacket, ready to pull his gun, as Quinn and L.J. run in and get in his face.

TBH: <mimicking shopkeeper> : Will you be purchasing this with a gun or a knife, sir? Both are accepted here, but I'm afraid we don't accept pipe bombs.

QUINN (urgent) Sid, no ! You don't understand what's going on here!

HTWD: He hears that all the time. Tell him something he's never heard, like "Nice and very effective retort, Sid" or "Boy am I glad you took a shower!" or "Your application to our community college has been accepted!"

SID: Get outta my face.

SL4: With pleasure. And for the love of all that is holy, brush your teeth sometime in the next century.

L.J.: Seriously, man, they'll kill you!

TBH: Moist excellent.

SID: Let 'em try!

HTWD: <shivers> : Ooooh, such inarticulate bravado! I've got shivers!

He pushes Quinn out of the way, draws his gun and SHOOTS THE LENS OF A SURVEILLANCE CAMERA, then slams the gun butt down into the display case, shattering the top.

TBH: <mimicking Sid> : These jewels are shiny! Me likie! Me wantie!!!