"El Sid" is a lot like "Inherit the Wind." Except, that is, that "El Sid" had nothing to do with the Scopes Monkey Trial, it was filmed in living color, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan was in it instead of Spencer Tracy. I know Spencer Tracy, I have seen many of his movies, and Jeffrey Dean Morgan is NO Spencer Tracy!
Another difference between the two is that "Inherit the Wind" didn't suck. "El Sid," unfortunately, did suck. It sucked like a hooker the first morning back to work after a month long vacation. (much more, unhappily, about hookers below) It sucked like outer space. It sucked like a nuclear powered vacuum cleaner. What I am trying to say is that "El Sid" SUCKED.The thing that sucked the most was Jeffrey Dean Morgan. His single minded dedication to sucking was so successful that he overshadowed a script appalling enough that it would embarrass a "General Hospital" writer, a plot so contrived a "Saved by the Bell" fan wouldn't believe it, and a premise that was a direct "Escape From New York" ripoff. Jeffrey's career high watermark in suckiness single-handedly elevated El Sid's pain quotient to such a high level that "El Sid" tapes are now being used by the CIA to torture hardened criminals who have resisted all other forms of encouragement. I hear that "El Sid" tapes are even more successful in breaking the toughest prisoners than "Waterworld" AND "A Simple Plan" viewed back to back!
Yes, it was Jeffrey Dean Morgan that made "El Sid" so special. This is the highlight of his career so far. This Z movie actor has been in three blockbuster Hollywood movies and some trainwreck for TV called "The Burning Zone." His first movie role was in the 1991 movie "Uncaged." This one star rated bomb about five prostitutes who plot revenge on the murderer of their friend was unwatchable even under the influence of Ecstasy. Jeffrey next stuck his head above the fenceline in 1994's "Undercover." This one and half star rated soft porn excuse to show women in their underwear is about a murderer who has targeted an upscale brothel for his dastardly deeds and is more painful to watch than a testicular tumor removal operation. But Jeffrey Dean Morgan was not done punishing unsuspecting moviegoers. In 1995 he appeared in "Legal Deceit." This two and a half star rated nightmare saw Jeffrey break out of his murdered whore movie typecasting and instead play a blackmailing, murdering cooperate executive in a movie so awful that it premiered in theaters one Friday and was being sold on video at Blockbuster the very next Monday.
Since then there has been nothing but sullen silence from Jeffrey Dean Morgan as far as Hollywood movies are concerned. Either he is as dead as his emotional range onscreen or he has finally found a role he can be convincing at ... night janitor at "Steak ‘N Shake" perhaps. His departure from the big screen is a tragedy because there are so many dead harlot stories left to tell. There is only so much Charlie Sheen and Hugh Grant to go around, so the movie world has sorely missed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
The only question left is why on EARTH the pre-Peckinballs Sliders executive team chose Jeffrey to stumble around the set of "El Sid," sneering unconvincingly and failing to menace the most timid hearted watcher of the episode? Is it because of his damn the torpedoes heading straight for an Oscar movie career up to that point? Did the original script call for Michele to be a whore who gets murdered? Was it that you can't find just anyone capable of uttering a line like "All I have to do is lean on him and his windpipe is gone." with a straight face?
We'll never know why he was chosen. But we do know exactly who to find if there is ever a need for completely non-threatening oaf in a movie such as "Die, Streetwalkers, DIE" or "I Pity the Whore XII."
Despite Jeffrey's best efforts, "El Sid" wasn't the worst Sliders ep of all time. But his performance is bad enough that I suggest hiding the remote and lashing yourself to your easy chair if you want to make it all the way through to the pleasing moment when Michele finally rids herself of Sid by ventilating the poor bastard.
Leo varies the procedure on Quinn's bracelet, touching his device to it.TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : Hey! I like to know someone a little better before I let them touch my bracelet with their device!
LEO: Okay, you're activated.
HTWD: Actually I have a headache. Sorry.
LEO (then, a rote spiel)
SL4: I prefer ritual blather myself.
LEO: Now, the way the buddy system works is that each of you...
TBH: Take each other out for beer and lie about how much sex you've had the last week. We already know how it works!
LEO (reacts to something outside the window): Hold on...
HTWD: Janet Jackson sun bathes this time every day! I'll be at the window for the next hour. :-P~~~~~~~~~
LEO (into walkie-talkie) : I have a red glow in sight.
SL4: Oh no! It's the Cylons! Under the couch!
VOICE FROM WALKIE-TALKIE: Checking your position.
TBH: <mimicking VOICE FROM WALKIE-TALKIE> : Okay, it's a false alarm. They're shooting the new Battlestar Galactica movie across the street from you.
VOICE FROM WALKIE-TALKIE (then) : You have Steve Brown.
HTWD: What has Remmy's brother done NOW????
VOICE FROM WALKIE-TALKIE: Violation C14710. Action approved.
SL4: Thank God they've approved action, I'm ready to fall asleep again over here.
Leo hurries to one of the vent windows and opens it, then draws his huge gun with a silencer.
TBH: Wouldn't it work better if he drew his huge gun with a hand?
SL4: No doubt. That's how I always draw my huge gun.
He aims and fires, dropping a MAN on the sidewalk dead in his tracks.
TBH: Wait a damn minute! There's too many impersonal pronouns flying around here! Leo dropped a MAN on Steve Brown in Leo's tracks?
The Sliders react with slack-jawed astonishment, but Leo simply returns the gun to his holster and turns back to them with an air of utter nonchalance.
HTWD: Oh, so it was "utter" nonchalance? That is much more impressive than regular nonchalance.
LEO: Now, where were we?
SL4: I don't know about you, but we're stuck at the beginning of that poorly written action. Why are you using your silencer to pull out your huge gun and where did you keep this MAN you dropped on Steve Brown?
Off the Sliders...
TBH: I don't know. If you off the Sliders there won't be a show anymore. Oops! Too late. They offed all four original Sliders and we don't have a show. >:-#
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
HTWD: Is it my imagination or was that the most tedious first act since "Cats" ?
FADE IN:
13 INT. SITTING ROOM - DAY - LOOKING THROUGH THE FRONT WINDOW
to the street where we see LEO overseeing TWO MEN IN WHITE UNIFORMS pick up the dead man and strap him to the back of a special GOLF CART.
TBH: A golf cart specially adapted for corpse-hauling! I hear O.J. rides one of those.
REMBRANDT (O.S.) : They're just carting him off like garbage.
SL4: It's not so bad, Remmy. There's a Chinese Restaurant logo on the side of the cart. They're going to recycle!
PULL BACK TO REVEAL THE SLIDERS with L.J., watching the scene through the window.
TBH: TV must be as awful on this world as it is on ours.
L.J. (resigned) : The buddy system, man. (then) "Friends don't let friends break the law in San Francisco."
HTWD: Awwww, that's sooo cute! I just have one question! Who the >:-# is YOUR buddy??? How come we don't see your buddy the entire ep? That's real close tabs you're keeping on that bastard, eh?
WADE: What're you saying? That guy didn't even do anything!
SL4: Hold on, Wade. If he didn't do anything, why is he in prison in the first place? For all you know, he raped 26,000 women to be put in this hellhole.
L.J. : Them's the breaks.
TBH: Tell you what. How about you and Quinn switch buddies and then we'll see how utterly nonchalant you are about thems beings the breaks!
Meaning there's a grave concern -- Sid's on the loose.
HTWD: Thanks for spelling out this complicated plot for us, scriptwriter.
ARTURO (wording carefully) Inasmuch as we're leaving so soon, hypothetically -- if one of us were to... slip... Presumably there wouldn't be time to ... uh...
SL4: This is careful wording? He sounds like a drunken W. Bush!
L.J. : Wrong. Between the bracelets and the neighborhood watch, the custodians'd be on you in no time.
TBH: There should be a $50 fine on this world for making up contractions.
QUINN : Neighborhood watch?
HTWD: It's kinda like snitching, only worse.
L.J. : Oh, yeah. Major perks for reporting a crime.
SL4: What kind of perks can this cesspool of a prison offer? They let you say your prayers before shooting you like a dog for what someone else they paired you with did?
HTWD: Hey! Watch those dogist remarks.
Quinn anxiously watches through the window as Leo leaves with the body pickup crew. Then he turns to L.J.
TBH: So THAT was the emotion JOC was trying to convey during this scene! Anxiousness!
QUINN (urgent) : I've got a problem. My buddy's on the loose.
HTWD: Did you check the last place you remember having him?
WADE : We've got to find him.
SL4: Not so fast! The less JDM in this ep, the better. Let him wander around for a while.
L.J. : Why? What's he gonna do, knock off a bank?
TBH: Ha ha ha! That's rich! Having banks in a prison! Do the prisoners go in with their statements every month and complain about hidden fees? Ha ha ha! The next thing you're going to tell me is that they have ATMs in prison as well! ... What?
ARTURO: I suspect that will be his first impulse.
HTWD: If there WAS such a thing as banks in prison. Who would the employees be? Other convicts? Or do people from outside come in to work in a bank in prison? How bad of a bank employee do you have to be that the only job you could get was inside a city-prison?
