SL4: This is how rednecks kiss each other good morning.

ARTURO (disgusted): What do you think he's doing?

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : No need to be snippy, I was just trying to get a conversation going so we don't have to go out and rescue her.

ARTURO: I've never seen such vermin as what passes for human on this world.

HTWD: What? Oh yeah, fortunately you Slid out before Tom Green became famous.

More CRASHING SOUNDS, SCREAMS.
QUINN: He's gonna kill her!

SL4: He must be a member of the fashion police. I mean, I like leather, but Jesus God girl! Try some lace or something!

Quinn reaches his boiling point as there's another SLAP,
YELP and CRASH.

TBH: So this must be pre Selfish Heartless Quinn.

He grabs a length of PIPE, lying nearby,
and drops the timer into Arturo's lap as he gets up and
heads in the direction of the trouble.

HTWD: Good move, giving up the timer. You don't want that shoved up your >:-# along with the pipe!

WADE: What are you doing?

SL4: What is with all the stupid questions this ep? What the @*&%$*!&6)*&^%$@ does it LOOK like he's doing????

QUINN: I have to stop this.

TBH: Well, we can only hope that he gets so worn out from beating you to a pulp that he can't lift his arms to hit her anymore.

REMBRANDT: Are you crazy, man? He'll kill you!

HTWD: Damn, Remmy! It's one thing for us to say Quinn's a punk, but you're one of his best friends!

WADE (to Remmy) : Do something!

TBH: <mimicking Remmy) : Hey! I'm not the only other man here! What about Arturo? Why are you singling ME out? <mimicking Arturo> Leave me out of this. My momma always told me to never fight rednecks.

REMBRANDT: Like what?

SL4: Place bets, you fool! Not on who'll win, that would be silly. On how much time Quinn lasts before he's pulverized.

The other Sliders scramble to watch...

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : Thanks buddies! You guys are the bestest friends in the whole wide world! Are you comfortable? Do you want me to wait on this >:-#-beating until you find comfortable places to sit?

QUINN
as he runs towards MICHELE and SID. She's lying on a pile
of trash, scrabbling backwards like a crab, trying to keep
away from him. Quinn steps between the combatants,
brandishing the pipe.

HTWD: This fight is going to make what the Lakers just did to the Spurs look like a love tap.

QUINN (to Michele) : Run! I'll keep him here.

SL4: He can't chase you as long as I keep his fists occupied with my face!

Sid is utterly undaunted by Quinn and his pipe.

TBH: Marty Harmless would be undaunted by Quinn.

SL4: Quinn couldn't daunt El Sid if he was holding an anti aircraft gun!

SID (deadly, to Michele) Is this the guy?

TBH: <mimicking Michele> : What are you, a moron? Don't answer that. If I was going to cheat on a psychopath like YOU, it'd be with Michael Clarke Duncan or someone like that! It sure as hell wouldn't be this wet tee shirt here!

MICHELE: No! I never even saw him before!

HTWD: It was dark! I never saw his face! I never even asked his name!

QUINN: For God's sake! Quit arguing and get out of here!

SL4: <sighing> : Quinn, Quinn, Quinn. Don't tell me this surprises you. This must be your first meddling in a lover's quarrel. She's not going anywhere. If you're really lucky, she won't jump on your back and scratch your eyes out while El Sid is mopping the floor with you.

She doesn't leave.

SL4: Now there's a surprise.

Sid starts to move towards Quinn, who backs up, braces himself to swing.

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : Don't come any closer or I'll once again back up and brace myself to swing!

QUINN: Stay back!

HTWD: I have a pocket protector and I know how to use it!

ARTURO (O.S.) (calling): Mr. Mallory! It's time!

SL4: That was a looooooong 58 seconds! The timer must be on TV Standard Time.

Sid comes decisively towards Michele. Quinn has no choice,
swings the pipe. Sld intercepts it with one hand, barely
even looking at it. He wrenches the pipe out of Quinn's
hand and tosses it aside, still moving towards Michele.

TBH: Ouch. When you get your pipe taken out of your hand by someone who doesn't even bother to look around or even slow down, it's time to start hitting the iron pile.

HTWD: "Hitting the iron pile"?????

TBH: Lifting weights, you moron.

HTWD: No need to call names, I have teeth so I don't need to lift weights!

Quinn takes a swing at the guy, but he blocks it and swings
on Quinn, sending him flying. Suddenly a 2X4 comes down on
the giant's head.

HTWD: Giant? El Sid is maybe 2 inches taller than Quinn. And really not that much larger. He's just mean. But giant?

TBH: Maybe the scriptwriter is a shrimp, so El Sid seems gigantic.

REMBRANDT to the rescue.

SL4: I'm not going to keep saving your >:-#, Q-Ball! Start minding your own business!

Sid doesn't go down, but his legs get rubbery.

TBH: Hit him again, >:-# it! Hasn't Remmy ever seen a horror movie? I wouldn't turn my back until El Sid is face down in the dirt with his dome caved in!

He stumbles towards a car frame to lean against it, now sees Arturo press the timer, the GATE OPENS. Sid and Michele both gape in wonder as it forms.

HTWD: I see what you mean. If you're going to hit someone with a 2X4, don't stop until the reason they are gaping is because they can't move their jaw!

REMBRANDT: Come on, man. Let's go!

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : But I see an old lady trying to cross the street over there! Be right back!

Quinn resists. He's not ready.

SL4: I don't doubt it, there's a kitten up in a tree three blocks over.

MICHELE (re: the wormhole) : What is that thing?

TBH: (re: the re) : Thanks for specifying, but what else would she have been talking about, Quinn's >:-#?

QUINN (to Rembrandt) : Go on. I'll be there.

HTWD: I have to go help the Franklins paint their house first.

QUINN (to Michele) : I have to go.

SL4: So kiss me thanks quickly. Hint, hint.

MICHELE: What about me?

TBH: Here's another hint. LEAVE THE BASTARD!!!! And next time don't be surprised if the heavy drinking, thieving, leather clad, redneck boyfriend turns out to be abusive. Duh!

MICHELE: Thanks to you, he'll probably kill me.

HTWD: So let me get this straight. She's mad that Quinn prevented El Sid from killing her because now El Sid might kill her?

Quinn glances to Arturo. Arturo knows what he's thinking.

SL4: Mr. Mallory! You're thinking about a three-way between you, Wade, and Michele, aren't you???

ARTURO: No, Mr. Mallory. Absolutely not!

SL4: Not unless I get to watch!!

Quinn looks at Sid, who is already letting go of the car and
looking extremely pissed. Quinn makes the decision. He
grabs Michele and starts to run towards the gate.

TBH: Does the gate squeak?

SID: What the...?

HTWD: The things you see when you drink homemade hooch.

SID: Michele !

SL4: Are we still going out to dinner tonight?

ARTURO: Mr. Mallory, no!

TBH: Unless you at least agree to film it for me! How about some still photos? A courtroom style drawing?

QUINN: No choice.

HTWD: I'm a helpaholic. I have no choice!

Sid lurches towards towards them. Quinn dives through the
gate. Arturo follows.

SL4: Has it been 60 seconds yet?

TBH: It's been about three minutes since the vortex opened. If the slowness of the timer countdown is any indication, the vortex still has 10 minutes of being open.

SID: Michele! ! !

TBH: Do you still want to go to the beach with me tomorrow?

He gropes at the vortex,

TBH: <mimicking vortex> : Hey! Watch your hands, buddy!

torn between his confusion at its presence and his rage at Quinn and Michele. At the last second, rage wins and he jumps through the gate just before it closes.

HTWD: That was very nice of the vortex to wait for him like that after he had just been groping it.

FADE OUT.

SL4: Well, it's better to fade out than burn away ... or something like that.

END OF TEASER

TBH: Funny, I don't feel teased. I feel repulsed, confused, and enraged, but not teased.