CUT TO:40 INT. DETENTION ROOM - DAY 40
As the door flies open, two guards with machine guns at the ready, step in. Leo stands in the doorway.
SL4: Wade Welles! We have a report that you didn't forward a chain email. Come with us.
LEO: All right, professor. Get your things.
TBH: What things? These bastards never have any things.
LEO (then, to Michele) : You, too.
HTWD: I need a new bathroom attendant.
Quinn and the others look at Arturo, uncomprehending.
SL4: Spare us. Even Executive knew what time this was the first time he saw this. Anyone who was fooled by this is surprised when a wrestler sneaks in a chair shot while the referee is distracted.
QUINN: What's going on here?
TBH: A very weak subterfuge.
Arturo is unapologetic as he collects his bag.
HTWD: What bag????????????????????
ARTURO: I slipped a note to the guard.
SL4: Oh, that would have been when THE OTHER FOUR PEOPLE IN THE CELL were all looking the other way, eh? As they were when you wrote the note.
TBH: If LEO believes that the other four didn't see someone come within 100 feet of the door right after Leo's "you all die unless someone snitches" speech, then he's dumber than UPN's late night schedule.
QUINN: You're selling us out? You son of a bitch! I don't believe this!
SL4: You know, I think that Quinn's acting is better than JOC's acting.
TBH: That's sad.
ARTURO (angry) : Do you have a better idea? Must we all die to protect your precious discovery?
TBH: Can someone tell me why this drama queen performance is necessary? Leo and even Sid (who's not even present) don't know this group enough to know if Arturo's betrayal is out of character. For all they know Arturo is a paid mercenary. Or they all met each other last week. All he had to do was leave the note and then walk out when they come for him. Maybe have the others cuss him a little. What is the whole jilted lover scene all about?
QUINN (realizing) : You're jealous!
HTWD: We get it! You're mad! <claps hands together> Let's go, Benedict Arturo! Get to the part where you try to fit through the door leading out.
ARTURO: Jealous? No, I'm disgusted, Mr. Mallory!
SL4: Putting peanut butter on baked potatoes! You disgust me, Mr. Mallory!
ARTURO (then) : To think that I should be led by an arrogant, undisciplined child into one misadventure after another when I should be engaged in the greatest breakthrough in the history of science! What a galling, appalling fiasco you've made of sliding.
TBH: <mimicking Leo> : Duuuuuuh. I had my doubts that this betrayal was real until they started this 16th round of the ToFGaL with each other.
QUINN: What are you gonna do, professor? Steal the idea? Call it your own once I'm out of the way?
TBH: <mimicking Leo> : No, you two girls take your time. The Big One could hit any second but roll on the floor and claw each other's eyes out for another couple hours. I'll just sit here and read "It," "Battlefield Earth," and "War and Peace."
ARTURO: I'm going to get home and perfect it -- something you should have done before endangering the rest of us. And once I've done that, I'll have every right claim sliding as mine.
HTWD: Do you guys want anything? I'm going to drive to Peru to pick up some coffee. Maybe these two will have decided Leo's convinced by the time I get back.
QUINN (cold fury) : Fine, professor. You do that.
SL4: Jesus God Almighty! It took me less time to break up with my wife, and she could out-talk Daniel Webster!
REMBRANDT: No! It's not fine! (indicating himself and Wade) What about us?
TBH: Ego Crying Man here couldn't let these two hams get all the lines.
Arturo looks to Leo, questioningly. Leo points to Michele.
HTWD: You there! Can you get Sid to shower?
LEO: Just her.
SL4: And only if she hurries so we can get the >:-# out of this cell!
ARTURO (to Wade and Rembrandt) : I'm sorry. I truly am.
TBH: <mimicking Wade> : If I thought you could spread your cheeks without the use of a jackhammer I'd tell you where to cram your being sorry. >:-#
WADE: I wouldn't go with you if I could. You disgust me.
HTWD: So Wade despises friends who selfishly think of themselves rather than risking themselves to save her life, eh? Hmmmm.
ARTURO (at the door, sincere) : You must believe me. This brings me no joy.
SL4: Get the >:-# OUT! Christ Almighty, could this BE any more tedious? You'd think there was a hog barbecue in this cell as long as it's taking him to leave!
The guards escort Arturo and Michele out the door.
TBH: Thank God. The fight scene in "They Live" didn't last as long as this pissy fit.
QUINN: Go to hell, professor!
HTWD: What are you talking about? He's leaving hell! Two more minutes of this >:-# and I was going to find out first hand what the afterlife has in store.
CUT TO:
41 INT. CORRIDOR - WITH ARTURO, LEO AND GUARDS - DAY 41
As the guards lock the detention room door, Arturo becomes all business.
SL4: I want two 250 pound women and six cases of extra greasy donuts. Up front.
ARTURO: Which way? (Leo points, Arturo jogs)
SL4: HEY! No running, Professor! This world's tectonic plates are unstable enough!!
ARTURO: Quickly. I'll have to check the settings in case you inadvertently changed anything.
TBH: <mimicking Leo> : We wouldn't have had to hurry if you didn't get into a protracted operatic panty fight with Quinn.
As they all hurry down the corridor
CUT TO:
42 INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY 42
Arturo and Leo burst in.
HTWD: Where's the nude Jerri from Survivor spread?! Leo told me you have that issue, Sid! :-P~~~~~
ARTURO (to Sid) : Give me the timer. (Sid takes his time) Hurry, man!
SL4: Okay, now, you remember how lame that cell scene was? And how lame the whole prison scenario is? And how lame Sid's crime was? And how lame Sid getting out of the hostage situation without getting a metal lobotomy was? Well, Arturo's next gambit is going to make all of that look more tightly put together than "Memento."
Sid pulls out his gun, levels it at Arturo then hands him the timer.
TBH: Leo let Sid keep his GUN? Sid still has his gun????? <gets up> That's it. I quit. No force on heaven or Earth could make me watch another second of this horrible ep. <storms off, muttering> Leo is shooting people in crowds from a window but he not only believes El Rainman's Sci Fi story, not only starts taking persuasion advice from him, but Leo lets him KEEP HIS SMEGGING GUN!
Arturo immediately begins feverishly pressing buttons. He reacts, panicked:
TBH: <mimicking panicky Arturo> : Oh no! Our contrivance is lamer than open mike night at a comedy club! What am I going to do?
SL4: I thought you just left.
TBH: I hate this ep too much not to keep making fun of it.
ARTURO: What the hell did you do to this?
HTWD: Um, well, no one was looking and it looked soooo sexy in that shiny case. :-P~~~~
LEO (concerned) : Nothing! We never touched it!
TBH: <mimicking Leo> : Besides, I washed it afterwards!
Arturo continues to work, hectically, then abruptly stops.
ARTURO (to Leo) : It's no good. I can't get it to activate.
SL4: This is weaker than Jay Leno's opening monologue.
SID (to Leo) : It's a trick. He's lying.
TBH: I'm sorry, but having the characters suspicious doesn't wipe away how incredibly lame this gambit is.
ARTURO: I'm not! It's Quinn's invention. He does know it better than I do. There's no choice. You'll have to give it to him.
HTWD: Not even that Taco Bell dog would fall for this impotent >:-#.
As Leo considers this Sid puts his gun to Arturo's temple.
SL4: No he doesn't. I am denying the existence of this gun. There is no >:-#ing WAY Leo would let Sid keep a gun! For all Leo knows, Sid and Arturo are lovers! He has no way of knowing the interpersonal relationships of these 6 strangers!
HTWD: Give it up! This script makes Executive's fan fiction look like a John Irving novel. Deal with it.
SID: You got one chance to stay alive. If that thing reaches zero and there's no tunnel in here, I'll blow your head off.
SL4: Actually he has a second chance to stay alive. His second chance is that Leo is a reject from the Rainman school of gifted custodians.
ARTURO: Sir, I would not have deserted my companions if I was not interested in saving my life. You must believe me, there's nothing more I can do.
TBH: Oh. We must believe the man that just moved to save his life at the expense of all his friends? I see.
Sid cocks the hammer. Arturo sweats.
HTWD: JRD is ALWAYS sweating. If you're going to order him to do something, order him to stop.
SID: You better start pushing those buttons.
SL4: Let's change Leo's name to Nonuts, since we now see who is suddenly running things.
Michele strokes Sid affectionately, then, using Sid's body
TBH: Hey, HEY! NO stroking Sid, and definitely NOOO using his body!
to conceal her actions from Leo, she pulls out her gun and sticks it in Sid's ribs.
MICHELE: I'm sorry, honey. Drop it.
HTWD: Don't do it, Sid! Make her kill you! :-P~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He hesitates, she cocks her hammer.
SL4: <singing> : An – tic – ipactiooooooooon. :-P
MICHELE: Don't try me, Sid. You know I'll shoot.
TBH: And how would he know that? You let him beat the dog >:-# out of you every day!
He drops his gun. As Arturo quickly scoops it up:
HTWD: So why exactly is Michele shielding her actions when Sid is dropping the gun on the floor and Arturo is blatantly picking it up?
CUT TO:
43 INT. DETENTION ROOM - DAY 43
Quinn and Rembrandt are pacing nervously, their backpacks on. Wade is at the table.
SL4: What kind of sexism is this? The men pace, the woman sits quietly at the table?
REMBRANDT (despairing) : They didn't buy it, man. I knew it was a long shot.
TBH: Man, that shot was longer than Crystal Gayle's hair!
QUINN: It was the only shot we had.
HTWD: What are you talking about? They didn't even search you before you put you in the cell because Michele still had her gun. Why not just use the gun to get out?
Another EARTHQUAKE. A big one, though not very long. Plaster falls. The Sliders (and Michele) barely have time to dive for cover before it's over. Then:
SL4: If Michele is in the cell then who just stuck the gun up Sid's >:-# in the other room?
REMBRANDT (excited) : Keys!
The door opens. Arturo and Michele rush in.
TBH: <mimicking Michele> : Hey! What's Michele doing in this cell with you guys?
ARTURO: It didn't exactly go according to plan, but let's not quibble... (checks timer) ...thirty seconds to spare.
HTWD: That's 25 seconds longer than they usually have before getting the timer back.
CUT TO:
44 INT. LEO'S OFFICE - AS BEFORE 44
Leo and Sid are tied up, but Sid is already nearly free, ripping the final piece of rope from his ankles.
SL4: Sid is getting free in the time it took Arturo and one of the Micheles to run from this room to the cell? Who tied him up, Grampa Simpson?
SID (to Leo) : If I had time, I'd kill you.
TBH: That's gratitude for you. Leo did everything for you, a lowly prisoner, except give you oral sex.
LEO: When I get free, you'll wish you had!
HTWD: Yep, Leo's a rocket scientist. I have a good idea, let's try to change a man's mind when he decides not to kill you while you're tied up.
Sid runs out the door.
CUT TO:
45 INT. DETENTION ROOM 45
as Arturo pushes the button and the vortex begins to form.
SL4: <pressing stopwatch> : Starting "This vortex is staying open long enough for it to watch the miniseries 'America'" horsecrap detector.
Just as it completes, Sid bursts into the room and starts to dive for it. Quinn launches himself like a goal line defender
TBH: Yeah buddy. That's the first thing that comes to my mind while watching this pansy do action scenes on Sliders. A football player.
and tackles Sid in mid-air. Sid and Quinn scuffle on the floor, with Quinn basically hanging on for dear life while Sid tries to shake him off.
HTWD: I love it when my action heroes basically hang on for dear life.
QUINN: Hit him with something!
SL4: Remmy and Arturo need him to tell them this? No wonder Quinn is the leader!!
Rembrandt locks around the room, grabs the only available object
TBH: <mimicking Wade> : Hey! Put me down, you supplicant!
-- one of the plastic chairs -- and tries to deck Sid with it. Might as well try and stop a charging rhino with a piece of Saran wrap.
HTWD: "Might as well try ..." Who is this scriptwriter trying to impress???? Just write the >:-#->:-#-ed dialogue!
Michele goes running from the room.
SL4: Great, the only person with a gun goes running from the room. Turn around, come back in, and ventilate Larry Lunchmeat here!
ARTURO (to Wade) : We're running out of time! You go, now!
TBH: No rush. This is one of the polite vortices that waits for you.
SL4: 300 seconds so far.
WADE: No way!
TBH: <mimicking Wade> : I want to see Quinn get beaten like a Phil Collins drum! No way I'm missing this!
Sid kicks free of Quinn. Rembrandt dives back onto him, trying to keep him down but Sid is like a man possessed. He tosses Rembrandt aside and scrambles back to his feet.
HTWD: Sid's tossing both you sissies around like this? You guys need to start working out because ... damn.
Arturo hands the timer to Wade and grabs Sid in a bear hug from behind. Arturo holds on for all he's worth as Sid whips him around.
SL4: I'd give JDM $50 if he could budge JRD ONE MILLIMETER!! The Incredible HurriKain couldn't budge JRD!
Quinn and Rembrandt try to grab on as well, but it's like trying to grab a locomotive.
TBH: Did Clive Cussler take over this script halfway through? What is WITH these descriptions??? "Michele's gun stuck to Sid's ribs like PIE to SL4ever's teeth." "Arturo grabbed Sid like Rosie O'Donnell grabbing a leg of lamb." "Sid's expression was more vacant than Peckinballs' mind."
Sid breaks free just as Michele runs back into the room – behind Sid -- with a police billy club. She hauls off with all her might and pops him with it.
HTWD: <standing on hind legs and waving his paws above his head.> : YES!! Hit him again!
He goes down like overcooked spaghetti..
SL4: <looking at camera> : I swear to GOD I did NOT add that in there! The script really says that!
MICHELE: I got friends now, Sid. And you would've killed them.
TBH: Oh yeah, they're friends. They're leaving you behind on the next world, no matter what it's like.
She tosses the club aside as the Sliders quickly jump through the fast fading gate.
HTWD: WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? *SHOOT HIM*!!!!!
Michele hesitates just a moment,
HTWD: ... remembering that she hadn't shot him, like an arm needing a vaccine, yet.
looking at Sid one last time before jumping into the void.
SL4: What a gyp! She's not going to shoot him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She left the room to go find something to hit him with when she had a perfectly good gun in her pocket!
Another EARTHQUAKE starts to RUMBLE through. This could well be the big one.
TBH: I'll take him dying in an earthquake ... but nothing is as satisfying as giving him lead poisoning. >:-#
Quinn waits until last, to
HTWD: ... shoot him????
make sure Sid doesn't wake up.
HTWD: >:-#
CUT TO:
46 EXT. CONCRETE EXPANSE - DAY 46
The Sliders fall out of the wormhole and onto the hard concrete. They watch the vortex intently to make sure that Sid doesn't emerge. Finally, to their great relief, the vortex closes.
SL4: Tell them a better way to ensure he doesn't follow, Henry.
HTWD: Shoot him like he talked about your momma and then stole something from you!!!!
Their relief doesn't last long. The ROAR of the vortex is .... replaced by the ROAR of JET ENGINES. They have landed on a runway, and when the vortex disappears it reveals a huge jet liner coming right at them.
HTWD: Run over them for not shooting Sid!
As the Sliders scramble madly out of its path:
TBH: ... like a meatball rolling from the table onto the floor.
FADE OUT
SL4: Man, as hard as this is to believe, the >:-# we saw on the screen was actually better than this script.
TBH: I can't believe the scriptwriter wasn't fired on the spot as soon as he handed this in. I would have forced him from the office at gunpoint.
HTWD: <foaming at the mouth> : SHOOOOOT HIMMMMMMMM!!!!
