SL4: Ooo, a scary moment. I'm scared!

QBall79: Good, you're back! Now I can get away from this hideous ep. Sheesh.

SL4: Thanks for standing in!

REMBRANDT: Oh, man! This is not how I want to die!

TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : I want to die like Richard Pryor's father! In :-# !!! :-P~~~~

Wade glances at Michele, concerned, and goes to her.

WADE: You okay?

HTWD: I'm just suffering from beating withdrawals! Sniff. Can you slap me a couple times?

MICHELE: Yeah.

She doesn't sound okay.

SL4: I'm glad the script told us because I'd never be able to tell from her acting. To me she sounded like she'd won the lottery.

MICHELE: Can't do anything about it, so what's the point of talking.

TBH: <mimicking Michele> : I don't have a brain, so what's the point of talking?

WADE: Is it Sid?

HTWD: Do you smell corned beef hash? Two dollar cigars? Hair greasy enough to change the oil on a 767? Then it's Sid!

MICHELE: What if he made it? What if he came back for me?

SL4: What if you could travel to a world where five billion people don't care if Sid came back for you?

TBH: Five billion people don't care on this world!

WADE: What if he did? Were you really that happy with him?

HTWD: You don't get it, Wade. It's a Bruising Kind of Love.

MICHELE: What's with you? Who the hell gets to be happy?

SL4: What if the scriptwriter had the characters ask questions, even in answer to questions, for the rest of the ep? What if the audience rushed the movie screen and ripped it down? What is the record for the most consecutive questions asked on a TV show?

MICHELE: Look around for God's sake. You see any reason to be happy?

TBH: Duh. Sid's not here!

SL4: And neither is Tom Green. :-DDDDDD

HTWD: And neither are the makers of "Cats and Dogs." :-D

WADE: Yeah. I do.

HTWD: I just rented Fatherhood and I have some tofu ice cream. What could be better?

WADE: I see friends I care about, who care about me. People I can count on. I think I'm pretty lucky.

SL4: People you can count on????????

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : I don't know if we have time.

MICHELE: Yeah? Well, you're luckier than me, that's for sure.

HTWD: It's not all bad. You're ten feet tall, maybe you could try out for the WNBA or something.

WADE: Anyone's luck can change. (then) For what it's worth, I think you made the right choice.

SL4: I had forgotten what a self righteous little tramp Wade was. She's pining over a moron too idiotic to see what he has in her and yet Wade's lecturing someone else about their feelings.

Michele isn't ready to concede that.

REMBRANDT

points up ahead.

REMBRANDT: Attention K-Mart shoppers...

TBH: Look, leave the lame humor to Mallory before you hurt yourself.

ANGLE - BLACK MARKET WAREHOUSE AREA

as our group arrives. A large area of the platform and tracks has been given over to rows of well-stocked shelves filled with cartons of cigarettes, televisions, small appliances, sporting goods and a variety of other merchandise.

HTWD: Hmmm. Okay, I can see the cigarettes and maybe the televisions. They probably have several prison television stations. Wink, wink. But I never knew that small appliances and sporting goods were black market prison items.

There's no shortage of well-armed TOUGHS to guard the region.

SL4: And what's with the guns? Did they leave the gun stores open as well? Apparently the prison walls are less guarded than the Mexican/American border!

L.J. (calling) : Yo! Big Jake! You here?

TBH: Big Jake? Was "Ace" taken?

Big Jake steps out from behind some shelves. He is the chess OPPONENT L.J. was playing when the Sliders arrived.

HTWD: Thanks for reminding us. I know it was only a half hour ago but maybe we'd forgotten.

BIG JAKE: You got the goods?

SL4: He sounds like such a criminal! "The goods" ?? It's golden!

L.J. (indicates the Sliders) : You're lookin' at 'em.

TBH: <mimicking Big Jake> : Oh! There they are! I couldn't see them because of the slope in my forehead gets in the way of my eyes.

The Sliders react, realizing they've been had. Quinn whirls around as if to run,

HTWD: In the next episode of "Quinn Mallory, Action Hero!" See Quinn TURN TO RUN, abandoning his friends!

but Blade, Gap and Pecks are right behind them - armed.

L.J. (to Big Jake) : You got the cash?

SL4: Cuz here in prison we use paper money.

BIG JAKE: Not so fast. I want to see it first.

TBH: In front of everyone? Sigh. Okay, whatever turns you on.

L.J. : Give him the gizmo!

HTWD: Okay, just don't feed him after midnight or you'll be sorry. And keep him away from water!

L.J. (off Arturo's reluctance) : The thing that makes the tunnel in the air! Give it to him!

TBH: <mimicking Arturo> : What on Earth are you talking about? Say, Big Jake, how long has this man been delusional? Has he ever complained of seeing the Blue Fairy?

QUINN: Better do it, professor.

SL4: So this is where Mallory gets his abject cowardice. All they had to do was act like L.J. was insane. The story is so unlikely that it wouldn't take much acting.

Arturo reluctantly removes the timer from his bag, hands it to Big Jake who looks it over. It's meaningless to him.

HTWD: Duh, I already had a remote control. But since we only get two channels I fed it to my cat.

BIG JAKE (to L.J.) : This made the tunnel?

SL4: Were you expecting an air shovel or something? Jesus.

L.J. : That's it. Our ticket out of here.

TBH: So if it's OUR ticket out of here, why do you also want cash? It's not enough that Jake helps you get it from these people, you need money as well?

SL4: In fact, if he just wanted to get out, all he had to do was help them like he's been doing and they would surely have taken him.

HTWD: Are you two trying to make sense of this plot? LOL!

QUINN: No one's going anywhere, Jake. You can't make it work without us.

HTWD: Oh, don't get brave NOW!

Without skipping a beat, L.J. grabs Wade and puts his gun to her head.

SL4: Why does it always have to be the woman? A gun to Remmy's head would have been just as effective.

L.J. Wrong, sucker. You are gonna show us how it works.

TBH: Here it is folks, the first use of the word "sucker" by a black man in 25 years.

The Sliders react, there's no alternative. Michele reaches her hand into her purse, but thinks better of it -- too many guns against her. Quinn reaches for the timer.

HTWD: Michele actually thinking something out? This is less likely than Jake comprehending the rules of chess!

QUINN: Let her go and I'll show you.

SL4: Folded like a cheap suitcase. Big shock.

WADE: Quinn, no.

TBH: Let him blow my brains out, Quinn!

L.J. (hard) : Shut up!

HTWD: L.J. couldn't say something hard if he was holding a flame thrower! He looks too much like Snoopy!

Big Jake comes to Quinn, doesn't relinquish the timer.

SL4: If Big Jake can PRONOUNCE "relinquish" I'll EAT the timer! So I really doubt he'd do it.

BIG JAKE: I'll hold it. You just tell me what to push.

TBH: They could never get away with dialogue like that in the 50's or 60's TV. :-P

Suddenly, FLOODLIGHTS come on from the darkness of the tunnel lust beyond the station.

CoolSlider: <from the doorway> : Ooooo, hot, hot tunnel lust!

LEO (O.S.) (through bullhorn) : Nobody move!

HTWD: There's more off screen chatter in this ep than during the entire Magnum P.I. run!

Blade pushes over one of the shelf units to create a diversion. It hits into others, like falling dominoes. Everyone dives for cover and the shooting starts – with bullets ricocheting all over the place in the confined space.

SL4: Ricocheting from WHAT? The cigarettes and TVs?

The Sliders are separated. Quinn slithers from cover to cover

TBH: JOC's done that a lot, I'll bet.

looking for the others. He finds Wade and Rembrandt first.

WADE: Where's Arturo?

HTWD: He's at the stack of spam boxes.

QUINN: Stay down!

SL4: It's a good thing you're here to tell them these things, genius.

He starts to creep away.

REMBRANDT (pointing) : Quinn! The timer!

TBH: Remmy! You get it! I'm scared!

Quinn looks where Rembrandt is pointing and sees:

HTWD: A box of TV remotes has been knocked over and six hundred remotes are on the floor.

BIG JAKE

lying on the ground, shot -- the timer still in his hand.

SL4: Lying next to him are agents Spencer and Fowley.

CROSS CUT - QUINN AND L.J.

Each seeing the prize. Ignoring the danger, they race to Big Jake. Quinn gets there first, but L.J. has the gun. Quinn is dead meat

TBH: Hey! We're the only ones allowed to riff his acting!

as L.J. takes aim, but

MICHELE

HTWD: Starts a risqué striptease to distract him.

fires her gun and

L.J.

HTWD: Thanks her for shooting him before he has to see any more of her body.

gets hit as he pulls the trigger.

SL4: <standing and raising his arms> : YES!

His shot misses.

SL4: <sitting> : Smeg. Can't have it all. >:-#

Quinn grabs the timer and scurries away.

MICHELE

dashes to follow Quinn, but a huge arm reaches out and grabs her. It's Gap, and he's pissed.

TBH: <mimicking Gap> : I'm pissed.

GAP: Where you goin', bitch?

HTWD: Ahhhh. That'll make her less lovesick for Sid. :-P>

She punches him hard enough to knock out another tooth, but he doesn't let go.

SL4: So she's gunned someone down like Dirty Harriet and hit like Rockyanne but she let Sid stomp her for years.

CROSS CUT – ARTURO

TBH: That would be one BIG cross section!

close enough to see what's happening. He grabs a brick and punches Gap with it. Gap goes down. Arturo moans at the pain, shaking his hand.

HTWD: When you hit someone with a brick they're the ones who are supposed to be in pain! What a sissy!

Michele points:

MICHELE: That way!

She runs off in that direction.

SL4: Let's follow the dumbest person of the group! Come on everybody!

She runs off in that direction.

ARTURO: You're welcome.

TBH: Don't waste your breath. The last time she was grateful was when she finally toilet trained Sid.

He runs off after her to

THE RENDEZVOUS POINT

HTWD: Has anyone ever figured out how that word is pronounced Ron-Day-Vooo? Whoever decided to shove French words into English was smoking some big time CRACK.

BritSlider: <from the doorway> : What are you talking about? American is the only language that's >:-#-ed up! English is fine!

Wade hugs Arturo as he arrives.

SL4: Awwww. Sweet hugs! :-P JRD is one lucky >:-#-er.

QUINN: Okay. Let's go!

Using whatever is available for cover, the Sliders scurry back up the tracks.

TBH: Should heroes be doing so much creeping, slinking, and scurrying?

REMBRANDT: Where're we going?

HTWD: Nowhere. Just like the plot.

QUINN: The street! Out the way we came!

SL4: That's why he's the genius.

As they near the entrance, they scramble onto the platform and rush to:

THE BARRICADED ENTRANCE

TBH: I'm starting to see how bad movies get made. Anything written IN ALL CAPS looks impressive.

SpaceTime: <from doorway> : Duh.

The shooting is still going on at the other end of the station, and ricocheting bullets are still whizzing by as they struggle to unlatch the secret panel.

QUINN (working it)

spaz119: <from doorway> : Work it, Jerry! Yeah, baby!

TBH: <turning to look at the now empty doorway> : I think we need to lock that. >:-#

QUINN: Get the other side!

HTWD: You'd have to get the door open first before he can try it from the other side, wouldn't you?

SL4: He didn't mean that other side, mendicant.

ARTURO (trying to force it) : It's not moving!

SL4: Put your weight into it! Brinks couldn't make the door that could stand up under your weight!

MICHELE: It's caught!

She releases the snag and the panel comes away. They rush out and

TBH: Kill themselves for the humiliation of having Michele figure out the panel was caught.

UP THE STAIRS

REMBRANDT (O.S.) (at the top) : Oh, no!

HTWD: The hot sign at Krispy Kreme is out! We were in there too long!

37 EXT. STATION ENTRANCE - BEYOND THE FENCE - CUSTODIANS

A slew of them, with guns drawn, pointed at the Sliders. Then, SID steps out from behind them.

SID: Goin' somewhere?

SL4: Actually, yes. We're going over to the scriptwriter to beat his ASS.

Off the Sliders' reaction...

TBH: <mimicking the Sliders> : This is BULL>:-# ! There is NO WAY they would give El Sid three seconds to say anything before they busted a cap in his punk >:-# ! Leo shot a dude on a crowded street from a window! His mom never bought him toys as a kid because he doesn't play!

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

38 INT. DETENTION ROOM - MORNING 38

Mesh gratings on the windows, and a long table with a half dozen chairs around it.

The Sliders, plus Michele, are seated around the table except for Quinn, who is pacing in agitation.

TBH: <mimicking Quinn> I'm telling you! This is bull>:-# ! What is it about this world that makes everyone automatically believe in Sliding? Especially when someone as inarticulate as Sid is trying to explain it! <mimicking Quinn mimicking Sid> "See, they go to different Wal Marts. When their Timex runs down that tells them it's time to go to a new Wal Mart through an air carpal tunnel."

ARTURO: Sit down, Mr. Mallory. You're making me crazy.

HTWD: Sniff. But people always pace in movie jails!

QUINN: We're running out of time.

SL4: That's why he's the genius.

ARTURO: It's hopeless -- all thanks to your meddling in a lover's squabble.

TBH: I couldn't have said it better myself. Slap him around a couple times! >:-#

Another EARTHQUAKE rumbles through, just to remind them of their dreadful prospects.

HTWD: That was helpful of the EARTHQUAKE! I can't even get the wind to give me a reminder.

WADE : -- Lover's squabble? Sid could have killed her!

SL4: That would have been a tragic loss for QVC and her trailer park landlord.

ARTURO: Nonsense. (then, to Michele) Would he have killed you?

TBH: <mimicking Michele> : Of course not! The grave outside was for my lover after he beat the name out of me.

MICHELE: No.

HTWD: What did you think she was gonna say? Ask her another easy one like, "are you a natural blonde?"

ARTURO: And where would you rather be? Back on your home world, as you had been, or trapped here with us?

SL4: Another easy one. She was contentedly brutalized.

QUINN: Just ignore him. You don't have to take this.

TBH: Let Arturo harass her! It makes her less lovesick for Sid.

ARTURO: It's not your place to tell her how to live! This is a scientific journey. Our job is to observe, not to enforce our values on other worlds. How many times must I say this?

SL4: YES! Tell him again! How many times have I wanted to jump into the screen and give this lecture to Quinn?

REMBRANDT: Guys, can we concentrate on getting off this world? Then, you can kill each other.

TBH: <mimicking Arturo> : No we can't. Because of this imbecile we're going to die right here!

WADE (to Rembrandt) : Thank you.

HTWD: Let's see another hug! :-P~~~~~~~~ Hug him thanks!

THE DOOR OPENS - LEO enters, along with two GUARDS. He holds up the timer.

LEO: Here's the deal. From now on, you're all hostages. The first one to tell me how this works gets to leave with us. And until someone volunteers, I'll kill one of you every five minutes. Either I get what I want, or you're all dead.

SL4: Hmmm. So either you kill us now and then you die with us. Or you kill us after we show you how to work your timer and you survive on another world. Lemme think about this.

He leaves.

MICHELE: That's Sid's scheme. I saw him use it a couple of times.

TBH: It's offical. Leo is as retarded as the scriptwriter if he's taking ideas from granite brain.

ARTURO: Did it work?

HTWD: <rubs his ears with one paw.> : Excuse me, I must be losing my hearing. Did Arturo just ask if one of Sid's hair brained schemes worked?

MICHELE: Always.

HTWD: I love Hollywood.

MICHELE: -- as soon as he killed someone to show he was serious. (then, to Quinn) I'm sorry. You should've just let him beat me up.

SL4: I think Wade is the only person in this ep with a speaking part who hasn't yet cussed Quinn out for what he did. I even saw a couple extras giving him dirty looks.

QUINN: It's not your fault.

TBH: No >:-#. She said "You should've just let him beat me up." Which means YOU >:-#-ed up. Not her.

She regards him appreciatively, but Quinn's mind is racing elsewhere.

HTWD: I get the idea that Quinn's mind is always racing elsewhere.

WADE (looks to Quinn) : What are we gonna do?

SL4: Die like dogs.

HTWD: HEY! I swear, one more dogist comment from you, mister ...

Off Quinn, thinking:

TBH: I'm scared.

39 INT. LEO'S OFFICE - MORNING 39

It's well appointed. Leo sits behind his desk.
In a bookcase behind the desk are stacks of cigarette cartons, tins of candies and cookies, and other assorted prison treasures.

HTWD: I'm sorry, but when I think of "prison treasures" I don't think of tins of candies and cookies. The closest this scriptwriter has been to a real prison is standing in line at the DMV.

Sid sits opposite Leo, his feet up on the desk, total balls, as he looks ever the timer, then hands it back to L.J.

SL4: Total balls? I don't want to know.

SID: Don't sweat it. One of 'em'll cave.

TBH: 'em'll???????????? 'em'll???????????? That's IT! <pulls out a 9mm> I'll be back in a couple days. I'm flying to wherever this scriptwriter lives.

SL4: Sit down! We need to finish this ep! It's taken long enough already.

LEO: You better be right.

HTWD: Don't get tough now, punk. You're a bigshot prison guard and you're taking orders from a moronic scum like Sid!

SID: I called it on L.J., didn't I? He crossed you faster than a cockroach when the light comes on.

SL4: It didn't take a genius to figure out L.J. was a weasel skippy ratboy! After all, Quinn didn't figure it out, did he?

LEO (unimpressed) : We'll see.

TBH: Sure, get all stoic now. You're still taking orders from natural born lobotomy boy here.

Sid just smiles confidently. There's a KNOCK at the door.

LEO: Come.

A GUARD enters. He holds a piece of paper out for Leo.

HTWD: It's a summons. John Carpenter is suing the bejesus out of them.

GUARD: I found this outside their door.

SL4: Yeah, yeah. You got your one line in. Scram!

Leo takes the note and reads it, smiles at Sid.

LEO: Mr. Arturo wants to meet with us -- alone -- to discuss exchanging knowledge for freedom.

TBH: This proves it! The Wrong Arturo Slid!

SL4: What are you talking about? Either one of them would stab you in the back for their lives or even a happy meal.

SID (savoring it) : Told you.

TBH: Can we cut to the part where Michele peels back his dome with her Desert Eagle? I can't describe how much I loathe him.