Timmy Big Hands: Man, it's just not the same without being able to MSTie. How much longer is SL4ever going to be gone?Henry the Wonder Dog: The last I heard he had to camp in a tent for a couple weeks and wasn't able to get online at all!
TBH: >:-# him! I'm not waiting any longer to start riffing the next horrid ep. What is it?
HTWD: Hello Sid or something like that.
TBH: Ah yes, the horror that is "El Sid." The Sliders version of a series' "prison ep." I'd rather watch "Town and Country" than this ridiculous travesty.
HTWD: Well, we're out of things to watch. If we don't start riffing "El Sid" then we'll have to watch Survivor reruns.
TBH: Jesus God Almighty! Rack up "El Sid." One problem, who do we get to riff in SL4ever's place?
HTWD: Hmmmmm. I don't think Ed Asner is doing anything.
SL4ever: <from doorway> : Were you two planning to start without me?
TBH: >:-# yeah!!!!
HTWD: I can tell you've been camping for a couple weeks and then had a nightmare drive home. You're in no condition to riff because you need to eat something, sleep about 16 hours, and take a 200 degree, 40 minute shower cuz ... damn.
SL4: >:-# THAT! I have to riff now because I am in the worst mood I've been in since Requiem first aired.
TBH: Ouch.
HTWD: That's a bad mood.
SL4: Let's commence.
SLIDERSTBH: My favorite kind of domino.
"El Sid"
HTWD: Proving that we could feel pain before season 3.
1 EXT. A STREET THAT LOOKS LIKE A WAR ZONE – DAY
SL4: This could be the beginning of ANY season four ep.
It's littered with bricks, boxes, destroyed cars. Small
fires burn, unattended.
TBH: So this is the day after the 49ers win another Super Bowl or something?
The PEOPLE, too, look like detritus
HTWD: They should probably take something for that.
-- hard bitten and dirty, dressed in ragged, rugged,
utilitarian clothes.
SL4: Well maybe they should stop shopping at "Old Navy."
THE SLIDERS come running, full tilt down the sidewalk.
QUINN: Hurry up!
TBH: "Old Navy" is closing in ten minutes! I want to look like those people!
BEHIND THE SLIDERS - A PICKUP TRUCK cruises the street. In the back of the truck are FOUR MEN with MACHINE GUNS.
HTWD: Is it Sliders Hunting season again already? How quickly time flies...
One of them is a lanky, good-looking, young BLACK MAN (L.J. COOL).
SL4: So he's the poor man's L.L. Cool J?
He's drunk -- with booze and power -- as he waves his gun and snaps off a few rounds, just to see the people dive for cover.
TBH: I love this world! If the police don't pull them over for this then they won't care that that I like to drive with one of my legs out the window.
QUINN: In here! Come on!
HTWD: They can't follow us in here, it says "No Drunken Idiot Rednecks Allowed!"
Quinn points into
2 EXT. AN ALLEY
piled high with trash, broken furniture, and rusted-out
skeletons of abandoned care.
SL4: What the smeg is a "rusted-out skeleton of abandoned care"???
TBH: That's a euphemism for old people.
The Sliders take refuge behind a DUMPSTER.
TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : D'oh! I just remembered that dumpsters are a redneck hangout!
As they catch their breath:
WADE: How much time?
HTWD: Quinn is a bad one for YOU to ask about how much time is left, my dear.
QUINN (checks timer): Fifty-eight seconds.
SL4: That's long enough to watch all the good parts of "Bridget Jones' Diary" and still have time to use the bathroom afterwards.
There is a SOUND from nearby, something moving. Quinn
turns, alerted and tense, only to see:
TBH: His reflection in a mirror. Two hours later the other three Sliders finally manage to pry his ass away from it.
A BEAUTIFUL GIRL (MICHELE)
HTWD: But since they couldn't find a beautiful actress, they had to settle for what they could get. Best laid plans of scriptwriters...
hiding behind some other debris nearby. She reacts to
Quinn's gaze like a mountain lion
SL4: She leaps on him and eats him alive.
TBH: Um, that could be taken the wrong way. How about "consumes him" ? No that's bad too...
-- frozen in place, waiting to either run or attack.
TBH: The scriptwriter needs to put the bong down. You couldn't get me to believe that a kitty cat would run away from Quinn, to say nothing of mountain lions!
ANGLE - THE ALLEY - VIEW TOWARDS STREET - THE TRUCK
stops at the head of the alley. L.J. stops shooting as a
vicious giant of a MAN gets out of the cab.
HTWD: Yes, folks, he's a MAN. Who wrote this script, SpaceTime?
He says something to L.J., who slaps the cab roof twice -- a signal.
SL4: Or maybe L.J. saw a fly on the cab roof. How do we know it was a signal?
The truck moves on as the man swaggers into the alley.
TBH: <mimicking Jeff Foxworthy>: If you swagger into an alley ... you might be a redneck.
THE MAN (EL SID) : Michele!
HTWD: Where's my grit, woman???? I told you to have a grit on the table when I get home!
SouthernSlider: <from the doorway> : Don't make me whoop you.
ANGLE - THE GIRL (MICHELE)
She shrinks back, holds her breath.
SL4: The first (but far from last) Sliders scene involving women being brutalized. I'm shocked that Sliders has even ONE female fan.
MAN'S VOICE (EL SID) : I know you're here!
TBH: I can smell your Brown Gravy perfume!
She reacts, pissed off and frightened. Still doesn't move.
HTWD: How can you be pissed off AND frightened at the same time?
SL4: I guess you would cry and slap someone at the same time, or cuss them out and run away at the same time.
WADE (whispers) : What's going on?
SL4: This is the Southern version of a "booty call."
QUINN: How should I know?
TBH: How should you know? A blind three year old could see what is happening here! He's her butthead boyfriend. Even TIP knows that!
MAN'S VOICE (EL SID) (very threatening) : I'll count to three, then I'm comin' after you!
HTWD: How did Sliders become "Hee Haw Parlor Games" ?
(then, slowly): One...Two...
SL4: Of course he says it slowly. He looks like he'd need help counting to 1.
The girl, MICHELE, grimaces and stands to reveal herself just as he reaches...
TBH: ... the bottom of his bag of pork rinds.
MAN'S VOICE (EL SID): Three!
TBH: <mimicking El Sid> : I did it!! I did it!! I remembered all the numbers between 1 and 3! WOO HOO!!!
MICHELE: Wait! I'm coming out.
HTWD: I don't think telling him you're gay is going to get him off your back.
We now see that she's tall, with an athlete's build.
SL4: That could mean anything. A Sumo wrestler is considered an athlete. But if Michele were 500 pounds she could mop the floor with this punk, so that couldn't be it. On the other hand, does this mean she is built like a hockey player? Or a football player?
Scarcely out of her teens, she radiates a kind of raw
sexuality that is both irresistible and daunting.
TBH: Is this Sliders or "The Red Shoe Diaries"?
MAN'S VOICE (EL SID): Get over here!
HTWD: I need my back and neck waxed again!
She heads reluctantly towards him.
SL4: So this scriptwriter has power fantasies about subjugating tall, irresistibly daunting female hockey players? I'm sure at this point Bridget Nelson would do anything for the price of a Happy Meal. Scriptboy could have looked her up and saved us all this nightmare.
THE SLIDERS watch her go beyond their view, feeling very uneasy.
TBH: <mimicking Arturo> : This is making me uneasy. Let's go watch Jerry Springer where relationships are more savory than this.
MICHELE (O.S.) (plaintive) : Sid, please...
HTWD: But wait! There's more! Now we get the plaintive begging!
SL4: If he makes her put on a clown suit and get on her knees, I'm switching channels to "She's the Sheriff."
SID (O.S.): When I say do something, you do it, goddamn it!
TBH: Whoa! Hey! I think there's a potty mouth here who needs a Time Out.
We hear a SLAP; Michele CRIES OUT in pain, followed by a
loud crash, presumably as she falls over into something.
TBH: <mimicking El Sid> : DON'T YOU EVER OFFER SUNTAN LOTION FOR MY NECK AGAIN!! I LIKE IT RED!!!!!!!!!!
The Sliders react to this. It is painful and loathsome to
all of them to hear it, knowing what must be happening.
HTWD: Boy, this is entertainment! I feel soooo entertained! How about you guys?
TBH: Hmmmm. Not quite. This isn't entertaining me enough; how about switching over to the Torture Channel? I think this is "Kitten Stuffed in Boxing Speed Bag" hour.
