No Plants

slider75 episode W-5

MSTed by DianaDavis

Foreword

1) Some critical component of life on Earth like plants, viruses or water doesn't exist on a given world, yet humanity still does.

2) The Sliders inadvertently wreak havoc and get chased after by cardboard Gestapo-men.

3) The teaser world always gives away what wacky missing element it's going to be... like when Remmy's face gets sneezed on prior to No Virus World, or Wade longs for a salad prior to No Plants World, or the sliders are caught in a tidal wave prior to No Water World.

Enough ado. This story is as finished as Al Gore's candidacy...

W-5 | No Plants

>>> Well, so much for MSZ's plans for Colin.

Written by slider75 (Jim Dale)

>>> Aaah, but remember: "My name isn't Jim, it's TIM!" His last name, of course, "is left to be a mystery"... until you check the source code on one of his pages.

Wade sat down to eat a burger at a restaurant. She took a bite out of it.

>>> Wade Welles for Congress. Taking a bite out of her burger, taking a bite out of crime.

WADE: Grouse,

>>> About this story? I'm planning to.

this burger tastes like charchoile.

>>> Is that 75-ese for "fried chicken head"?

I want by money back!

>>> The Ferengi concept of blasphemy.

WAITRESS: Read the sign girl,

>>> "That's what she's standing there for."

it says no refunds on beef. You should have ordered a salad.

>>> This is foreshadowing, kids. Write that line down!

WADE: Oh well, I guess I'll just eat on the next world.

>>> Tragically, these have formed the last words of many a supermodel. They're inevitably a self-fulfilling prophecy.

WAITRESS: What do you mean next world?

>>> Hey, Waitress Chick's ALREADY proven herself more attentive than Elston Diggs!

WADE: Watch.

>>> Wade's timer supplied by Timex Incorporated.

Wade opens the vortex in front of the inter restaurant.

>>> Inter-Restaurant. Maybe this is the Restaurant at the End of the Multiverse...

They all have stunned and amazed faces.

>>> ...on their T-shirts. Underneath is the legend, "Have an unsettling day."

WADE: See you all later.

>>> And so Malcolm, Jules and Earth Prime welcome a new entry to the list of broken promises by the Sliders to return...

Wade then jumps into the vortex

>>> In such a rush that she forgets her period. Uh, wait... lemme rephrase that.

For Three years of my life a traveled to parallel worlds trying to find my way home: I finally did,

>>> "i have been tracking you all seasoning but now I finale do"

but an off breed of humans called Kromaggs invaded my home. They captured everyone I loved and me.

>>> Nice way of hinting at Wade's self-esteem problems.

Then I was sent to a breeding camp and I was turned into a computer. After an explosion they turned me human again so they could perform more things on me.

>>> They were going to perform 'Hamlet' and 'King Lear' on my belly. The horror!

But I managed to escape, now I'm traveling the multi universe trying to find my friends and find a way to save my home.

>>> Before it's bulldozed by Vogon constructor ships seeking to expand the Inter-Restaurant.

Season 4-5 theme

>>> As far as I could tell, that theme was "Nazis."

Starring Sabrina Lloyd as Wade Kathleen Wells
Sliders Whisper and Wades Journey Whisper

>>> and Executive Producer: slider75 Whisper and Who Can't Write Worth A Crap Whisper

Wade lands on the next world

>>> The Wadelands of Florida. A vital part of our ecosystem... unlike, say, PLANTS, VIRUSES or FREAKIN' WATER ITSELF.

with 3 weeks on the timer.

WADE: I should have enough money for a couple of meals, but then I'm going to have to get a job so I have enough money for a hotel.

>>> Make sure it's on Boardwalk or Park Place. You can absolutely DESTROY the competition with those...

Wade looks around and sees there are very little trees and plants

>>> *gasp* She's reached MUNCHKIN LAND!

and it's springtime.

>>> It's the time (It's the time)
>>> Of the season (Of the season)
>>> For the sweeps (When the specials air...)

WADE: I wonder where all the plants are.

>>> Well, you'd better figure it out soon... before you suffocate. Were you just not AWARE that plants are what process carbon dioxide back into oxygen, or is this supposed to be "No Air" world as well?

Then Wade comes upon a restaurant called THE GREENHOUSE.

>>> Right next to a greenhouse called THE RESTAURANT, I'll bet.

Wade looks at the restaurant menu. I has a whole bunch of salads and vegetables listed on it.

>>> Ribeye Salad, T-Bone Salad...

She goes in. and takes a seat at a table.

>>> slider75 redefines the literary afterthought.

WAITRESS: What can I get for you?

>>> Bent.

WADE: I'll just have a salad.

>>> Um, hello? According to that last paragraph of clumsy exposition, the menu has nothing BUT salads listed on it! You're going to have to be a little more descriptive than that!

A few minutes later Wade gets the salad

>>> ...or not.

and savers it, but finishes all of it.

>>> Wade Welles: saves sinners and redeems them for valuable cash prizes.

WADE: That was a wonderful meal.

>>> ...for me to POOP ON!!

WAITRESS: Here is your bill.

>>> So this is a world where Wade's parents couldn't afford braces?

Wade looks at it. It says the salad cost her 50 dollars.

>>> Inflation World... not to be confused with the world where Maggie received her plastic surgery.

WADE: I think you wrote out the check wrong. Why would a salad be 50 dollars?

>>> You mean the prices weren't written on the menu?! And yet Wade, who only HAS 30 bucks to her name, foolhardily ordered anyway?!!

WAITRESS: Where have you been, vegetables are rare girl,

>>> Vegetables are rare girls now? What is this, Slidelent Green?

that`s as cheep as you will get them.

>>> Cheep??? There's rare BUDGIES in them too??????

WADE: Then why is there a whole restaurant of vegetables.

>>> If I were J. Michael Straczynski, there'd be a cheap shot at Reagan here.

WAITRESS: There are only three vegetable restaurants in the world. They are all called THE GREENHOUSE.

>>> Whereas the fruit restaurants are called THE YMCA.

It`s the only place where vegetables are kept.

>>> There, and Gate Haven Hospital.

No one eats vegetables any more since they have increased in price like you said.

>>> Oh, right! The Earth's climate is so screwed up that there are NO SUCH THINGS as vegetables, yet the ecology's doing fine nonetheless. And people shoved the fruit 'n vegetable food group from their diet just like that, with no ill effects????

WADE: So how did they become rare?

>>> "Well, we didn't cook them very long."

WAITRESS: You really are clueless,

>>> Alicia Silverstone as Wade. SH-YEAHHH!

the earth got knocked out of its axes

>>> The Earth suspended in space by giant axes. slider75'd make one hell of a cosmologist.

and the seasons of spring, summer, and fall hardly ever come any more

>>> So? Does the word "greenhouse" maybe ring a bell? No? How about if I put it in all caps?

so no one plants anymore.

>>> I'm waiting for Wade to team up with the talking carrot underground against the purple-haired scientist elite. The Great Vegetable Slidebellion!

So are you going to pay the bill or be sent to jail?

>>> "Can I phone a friend? No, wait... I wanna 50/50."

WADE: Jail? What happened to washing dishes?

>>> WADE (at her sentencing): FIFTEEN YEARS?!!! ...don't you mean fifteen dishes???

WAITRESS: Anyone who orders veggies and can't pay for them must go to court.

>>> If it's THAT big a deal, why wouldn't you demand payment in advance?

WADE: Well I only have 30 dollars so I'll run!

>>> For the office of Santa! Hey, it worked in that other story!

Wade jumps out of her seat and starts running as fast as she can.

>>> While mimicking the Spencer Davis Group.

The waitress calls the cops. They track Wade down and chase her.

>>> Chase Her Nine?

She runs behind a building. There is a door open. She goes inside and shuts the door.

>>> o/` But now I find, I've changed my mind, and opened up the door... o/`

Then she turns around; there is a police officer there.

OFFICER: Your coming with me.

>>> Well, there's no need to get lewd about it.

They arrive at the police station.

>>> Lampooned by Diana. Does this mean Wade and the officer have finally arrived?

OFFICER: We have decided since you were only 20 dollars short on the bill at THE GREENHOUSE we are not going to send you stay in jail.

>>> "You'll get out in a mere 20 years or so."

But from the hours 8A.M. to 2P.M. You will be forced to do community service for 2 weeks.

>>> Two weeks' worth of service crammed into tomorrow morning? Ouch.

We have found you have no place to stay so you will use your afternoon hours to get a job so you will have money for a hotel.

>>> Tracy Tormé took his name off "The Royale" after slider75 helped Maurice Hurley rewrite it.

Then you will be on that job full time so you can eventually rent an apartment.

>>> Is he talking to Wade, or Executive?

WADE: Thank you officer.

>>> "I couldn't have been arrested without you."

OFFICER: We will pay for you first few nights at the hotel,

>>> Right. Just like on our world, the police pay to put up homeless criminals in HOTELS.

oh and if you don't do you community service and do your job you will end up on the street at once.

>>> "THAT show?! I'd rather do Sports Night!!!!"

The officer had taken the timer when Wade came in earlier.

>>> slider75 just didn't consider it worthy of mentioning.

WADE: Can I have the timer back

>>> OFFICER [mimicking Alex Trebek]: Only if you punctuate that in the form of a question.

OFFICER: Why? It`s just like a little toy.

>>> I never would've thought ANYONE could be dumber than Maggie's alternate on Pulsar Double Prime. I was wrong.

So I see there is no need for you get it back.

>>> Sounds like an air-tight argument to me.

Wade stays at the dominion

>>> Despite threatening to leave every five minutes, declaring she's here to stay forever, and sending mass e-mails announcing spontaneous leaves of absence.

hotel it being very familiar to her. She wakes up the next day and picks up debree from the street

>>> Guess even here, it was cancelled overnight...

as her community service. Then that after noon she gets a job at a department store.

>>> AHH! FINALLY, this episode is about to have a point. FINALLY, all the lame set-up is dispensed with and we get some charmingly comedic moments of Wade struggling through community service. HERE WE GO, FOLKS!!!! HANG ON -- THIS IS ONE WILD RIDE!!!!

She does her community serviceand works her job everyday for 2 weeks.

>>> DAMMIT, I READ THIS WHOLE >:-#Y STORY FOR NOTHING?!?!?! I'M SUING!!!!!!!!

She saw the timer the final day and found the slide is at 2A.M.

>>> What??? When did she get it back from the police????

That night she goes out of the dominion

>>> But not before leaving behind eighteen different polls inquiring how much everyone else hates SpaceTime and DianaDavis!

with her pay from her department store.

>>> Awww NUTS, we missed the scene where she buys out the department store TOO!

She figures she can use it on the next world if she gets to the next world.

>>> I always did see Wade as the logical one.

She sneaks into the police station

>>> Crouched over. It makes alllll the difference.

through an air vent.

>>> "That wasn't nice, Diana Davis! I was just trying to make a comment related to vents and the show. ;-)"

WADE: The timer must be here some where, no one else has use for it.

>>> What??? But you just CHECKED the timer this morning!!! ["She saw the timer the final day and found the slide is at 2A.M."] You mean she checked it just so she could find out when it would be necessary to sneak into the police station and try to find out where it was hidden?!

The sensors in the building detect Wade`s presence.

>>> MALLORY: "I really liked 'No Plants.' Didn't get good reviews, but I liked it."

It elert's

>>> Should be spelled: "eLerts"

the police officers beepers but it doesn't activate alarms

>>> Because Wade isn't part of the Break-and-Enter eLert, just like she isn't part of the Sliders BBoard eLert, or the Sliders BBoard Writers eLert...

so Wade doesn't know about it. She goes into the main office. She sees all the cabinets and desk panels are locked.

>>> Strangely enough, a "desk panel" is actually MORE animated than the commentators' panels on the national news.

WADE: There must be a paper clip or toothpick I can pick the lock with.

>>> Of COURSE, because why would the LOCKED SAFES in a freakin' POLICE STATION be able to withstand a WOODEN TOOTHPICK?

She goes to the police stationary office

>>> Well shoot, I sure HOPE the office is stationary!

to look for some. She turns the light on and finds a little box of paper clips.

>>> Nice work, 75; I can really picture the scene there! She opens the door to a dark room, flips on the light, and there in the middle of the utterly bare floor -- is a box of paper clips.

She turns the light off and goes back to the main office. She starts picking the locks

>>> "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe..."

with the skills we saw her use in THE KING IS BACK. She finds nothing. She sits down next to the desk.

>>> WADE: (mimicking Neil Diamond) "And no-one heard at all / Not even the chair..."

WADE: No, now I'll never get off this world.

>>> Try an airplane. They really work!

She looks up under the desk. She sees a locked panel. She picks it with the paper clip. It opens. She sees the timer and grabs it.

>>> The timer subsequently has Wade charged with sexual interference.

WADE: Yes, 3 minutes.

>>> Doesn't that just do a PERFECT job of capturing the girl's jubilation? The hard work and sacrifice that went into editing this line provide yet ANOTHER example of slider75's devotion to his craft. Rejected lines included:

>>> WADE: Woo Hoo, 3 minutes.
>>> WADE: Hooray, 3 minutes.
>>> WADE: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy, 3 minutes.
>>> WADE: Zippity-doo-dah-day, 3 minutes.

Then the officer walks in.

>>> The Gentleman is close behind.

OFFICER: Well, well, I knew you would come back here for your timer Ms. Wells. So what is it counting down to?

>>> WADE: Ummmm... the release of Star Wars Episode II?

WADE: The truth, when it hits 0 it will activate a bomb in this building and blow the whole place up.

>>> OFFICER'S BRAIN: Hmm. A tiny, defenceless young woman is holding the detonator to a TIME BOMB which unless defused will DESTROY THE BUILDING IN SECONDS. This is not the time for studied deliberation. This is not the time for diplomacy. This is the time for... something...

OFFICER: Give it here.

>>> ...that wasn't it.

WADE: Never, 3... 2... 1... 0.

>>> HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Wade opens the vortex.

>>> What, she doesn't trust the timer to handle that?

WADE: Ever though you were going to arrest me

>>> and, for that matter, DID,

for not paying the complete price of the salad, thanks for the hospitality of the hotel.

>>> "I'm somewhat less grateful for the hotelity of the hospital."

With those words

>>> "My name isn't Wade, it's Tim. Of course my sister Kelly calls me that."

Wade slides out to the next world.

>>> Man, they just keep coming up with new euphemisms for death, don't they?

In the vortex Wade says: On the next world I'll be happy to eat any nasty burger.

>>> Pray with me that this isn't slider75's lead-in to a story merging "Any Given Sunday," "Shasta McNasty" and "Good Burger"...