Dry Road

slider75 episode 7.7

MSTed by Blinker

We've got slider75 sign...

>>> Is there any other kind?

you should be familiar with most if not all of the original Sliders series. In addiction

>>> Told you he was on drugs...

you should be familiar with most of my fan-fiction if not all which includes Wade's Journey, Season 6, and all previous episodes of season 7.

>>> This warning is ludicrous. There isn't a single continuity reference to any Sliders episode anywhere herein, and the only nod to his previous fanfic is a brief mention of that infamous world where viruses didn't exist. Since it stars the original cast, you don't even have to know anything past the Pilot!

Episode 7.7-Dry Road

>>> Retitled at the last minute from "Dry Roads Oughta Move to Kapuskasing."

Written by Slider75

QUINN: Keep running! Don't stop!

>>> REMMY: Huh?
>>> WADE: He means "Go, go, go."
>>> REMMY: Oh, gotcha.

WADE: We're going to have to jump off that cliff into the Pacific Ocean; the water behind us will engulf us if we don't!

>>> Wade, do the words "frying pan" and "fire" mean anything to you?

The scene reveals a huge title wave flowing behind the sliders. The team runs up the hill and to the edge of the cliff

>>> On this world, tidal waves originate in Vermont and flow uphill seeking the Pacific Ocean.

WADE: Here goes everything!

>>> No, no, it's people from OTHER worlds who are supposed to use alternate terminology!

Quinn and Wade jump off the cliff in front of Remmy and The Professor while Wade

>>> studies her script in bafflement.

holds onto a duffle bag. All four of them splash into the ocean. The title wave flows into the ocean waking it

>>> Apparently, the ocean found it impossible to sleep through the words "A Streetcar Named Desire" slamming into it.

taller than ever before. The sliders are trapped underwater using all their strength to get to the surface. Remmy and Quinn start sinking low.

>>> Before long, they find themselves starring in "Kangaroo Jack."

Wade makes it to the surface along with The Professor.

ARTURO: Where are they?
WADE: They must still be under. We have to go back down.
ARTURO: Right.

The two start swimming to the bottom on the ocean as hard as they can. Wade spots Remmy who is tacking in lots of water.

>>> Time to try a different tack, Remmy...

She grabs him with The Professor

>>> He doubles as a handy grappling hook!

and they start dragging him to the surface.

WADE: Ah. Arturo stay here.

>>> Huh? When did Wade EVER address him as "Arturo"? Everyone knows the other Sliders called him "Max."

If I don't get back in time slide without me!

Wade takes a big gulp of air

>>> On this world, 7-11 serves oxygen-flavoured Big Gulps.

and swims back under. She can't find Quinn anywhere.

>>> She's too busy seducing his doubles. Serves the bastard right!

She looks right below herself and spots him.

>>> No... that's his double.

She drags him back up to the surface.
ARTURO: I hope they didn't take in to much water. If they did they'll die.

>>> Is there NO LIMIT to 75's obsession with exposition?!

WADE: How much time?
ARTURO: 20 seconds. Grab your bag Wade just incase.

>>> ALTERNATIVE PHRASING: "Grab your case Wade just inbag." Hey, it's like castling! With words!

The water keeps rising. Wade us taken back under with her bag.

>>> I think I see where this is going. A bit of living ocean gets stuck in Wade's bag, and starts drowning people on the next world, until the Sliders befriend it and name it Billy...

The Professor swims with all of his strength to save her. He grabs her and brings her back to the surface. She has taken in to much water and

>>> ...will die? Come on, don't tell me that exposition was for nothing!

has fainted

>>> CHANGED PREMISE! CHANGED PREMISE!

along with Quinn and Remmy. All the weigh he's holding pulls the Professor under.

>>> You sure that's not the other way around?

He activates the vortex and throws Quinn in. He then throws Wade and her bag in and pushes Remmy in along with him as he comes to the surface.

>>> You lost me at "along." Actually, you lost me at "if you're a first time reader of my fan fiction," but I thought I'd try being polite.

The group arrives on a desert like world. They fall out onto the sand. Arturo faints to.

>>> He simultaneously came to... and fainted. It's harder than it sounds!

Wade wakes up and gets up.
WADE: Professor, Remmy, Quinn get up!
Quinn and Remmy wake up.

>>> But don't get up.

REMMY: What happened? The last thing I remember is jumping into the ocean.
WADE: I'll tell you later.
QUINN: professor get up.
Quinn kicks Arturo and he doesn't get up.

>>> In the first of many bizarre hallucinations, Quinn had mistaken the desert for an automobile showroom.

QUINN: Professor! ARTURO!!!

>>> It's MAX!!

QUINN: What if you found a gateway to other worlds,

>>> ...that brought them up in pop-up windows, hampering your ability to navigate, bookmark, or see the URL and tell which site you're actually on?

WADE: where anything is possible?

>>> After just ten minutes reading fan fiction, Tormé was kicking himself for ever coining that line.

REMMY: What if you got lost by searching these worlds though?

>>> Searching them for what, a way home? Am I sensing circular logic here?

ARTURO: And what if you have one last chance to find your way back home?

>>> SORCEROR: Look, I don't CARE if Arnold's the governor! AUTOSETTING THE SYSTEM FREAKIN' WORKS. You people come back here AGAIN and I'm gonna start busting some heads.

ALL: We've found the gateway!
Season 1 Theme
Starring Jerry O'Connell and Quinn Michael Mallory
Starring Sabrina Lloyd as Wade Kathleen Welles
Starring Cleavant Derricks as Rembrant "Cryn Man" Lee Brown
And Starring John Rhys-Davies as Professor Maximallian Arturo
Sliders Whisper by Robert K. Weiss

>>> Don't forget to credit his divorce attorney.

QUINN: Come on Arturo don't leave us! We don't want to loose you again.

>>> "Loosening that bungie cord from around your waist was the worst experience of our lives!"

ARTURO: Cough, Cough. What happened?

>>> "You scared us, professor. You started speaking completely in onomatopoeia."

WADE: Let's just say you saved all of our lives. Come on we need to go into town.

>>> "Hey, for once we won't be lying when we say where we're from!"

Wade picks up the timer.
WADE: We have 49 hours here. Can you walk Arturo?

>>> It's MAX!!

ARTURO: Yeah, I'm fine.

>>> You really captured Arturo's erudite diction there...

Let's get moving.
Wade picks up her duffle bag

>>> Tired of the guys' complaints about holding her purse for her, she finally gave up and let them pick a replacement.

and the sliders walk along the long dry road.

>>> "So what're you gonna ask the wizard for?" "Mmm... I'm thinking brain." "Same here, same here."

REMMY: Is it just me but is it really dry out here?

>>> "Yes, but it's a hot dryness."

WADE: Why wouldn't it be? We're in the middle of a desert.

>>> *laugh track*

QUINN: I think he may actually have a point. The air composition is different from any we've ever been surrounded in.

>>> REMMY: "I KEEP TELLING YOU PEOPLE! HE WHO SMELT IT..."

REMMY: Please don't tell me we're on another world where viruses don't exist.

>>> I'll second that.

QUINN: I don't think so, it's almost like there's no moisture. In fact there are no signs of life anywhere.
ARTURO: Oh my god, this is the world I've all ways feared landing on.

>>> The world where Celine Dion and Rush Limbaugh recorded a duet?

WADE: Why.
ARTURO: Because theory states that there may be a parallel world where H20 doesn't exist.

>>> Ah, yes! The little-known "one parallel Earth with no water" corollary of the many-worlds interpretation.

Without that chemical life isn't possible.

>>> And yet, as we'll soon see, not only can life develop without water but it will evolve into humans who speak English. Naturally.

I have a fear that if we don't find any life soon

>>> "...we may be doomed to live forever in our respective parents' basements."

water may not exist on this earth.
WADE: Don't say that Professor.

>>> It's Professor MAX!!

ARTURO: How much water do you have in your duffel bag Wade?
WADE: About 2 liters.
ARTURO: Make sure none of it goes to waste we may need it.

>>> Arturo wisely takes the first step in preserving his voice by excising all superfluous punctuation.

QUINN: It would make sense, nothing seems to be developed.

>>> Nothing ever gets developed in these stories, either, but I don't see them making sense...

The sliders start walking along the long dry road for 3 hours.

>>> Now wait a minute. I thought nothing was developed on this world. So why does he keep reinforcing that they're on a "road"? Is slider75 really as clueless as Diana in "Requiem"?

ARTURO: I need a break.
3 other sliders: Again?

>>> *laugh track*

WADE: Well we might as well because it doesn't look like water exists on this world and I could use some that I brought from that last world.

>>> What did the 'Maggs to do Wade, anyway? Turn her into a nonstop recap machine?

Can you make it to those rocks up there Professor?
ARTURO: I believe I can Ms. Welles.
QUINN: All right then, let's keep going.

>>> When do we get to the amusing cross-cultural stuff? You know, "Hey Q-Ball, check out TV Guide! Law and Order with Sam Waterlesston!"

The group arrives at this tall cave cliff of rocks

>>> Now WHAT IN THE LIVING 7>:-# is a "tall cave cliff"?!??? Is that anything like a "flat door wall," or a "thick hole surface"?

and they rest inside it. Wade gets her water out

>>> "Professor! I think she's going into labour!"

and they all take a sip of water.

>>> Ewwww!

ARTURO: I'm going to get some rest. Good night.

>>> Hard to believe this episode is half over, and all they've done is take a swim, then walk around for hours on end drinking water, isn't it? Well, things are about to get even more dramatic... with the introduction of SLEEP.

QUINN: I second that motion.

REMMY: Well I third that motion.

>>> Humbled by the powerful writing in this single exchange, Dave Eggers immediately retitled his memoir "A Passable Work of Staggering Okayness."

After the rest of the group gets to sleep Wade tosses and turns trying to sleep.

WADE: Why can't a sleep?

>>> Now that's power-drama.

I think I'll go outside to get some fresh

>>> Prince of Bel-

air.
Wade Welles walks to the top of the cave and cliff and looks out to what is ahead of them.

>>> Alternate histories less plausible than "Slide Like an Egyptian"... whole episodes composed of eating, sleeping, and walking (what, no searching for the others?)... "jokes" that MALLORY wouldn't chuckle at... She stepped a little closer to the edge of the "cave cliff."

WADE: Oh my god, I see buildings. There is life on this world.

>>> This is just a world where California didn't curtail lawn-watering until it was far, far too late.

Remmy wakes up the next morning as the sun is rising.
REMMY: Oh ma I'm hungry.

>>> REMMY'S MOTHER: For the last time, NO COOKIES UNTIL AFTER DINNER!

Wade do you have…
He looks over and notices Wade is gone. He wakes up

>>> Either I'm stuck in a causality distortion, or slider75 has no idea what he's writing.

to the top of the cliff.
REMMY: There you are, what are you doing up here?
WADE: look at what's ahead of us Remmy.

>>> "More spelling errors than a Japanese manual... Constant clashes with fascist governments... Want to jump together?"

REMMY: Life, you mean people do exist on this world?

>>> ARTURO: "Possibly. However, both films clearly established that Gremlins need water to reproduce, so I'd wager against their having evolved here."

WADE: Yes, let's go wake the others up and get moving towards it.
REMMY: Before we go, do you have any food in your duffle bag?
The sliders walk into this mysterious town

>>> REMMY: I'll take that as a 'no.'

and people greet them.

GREETER: Welcome to

>>> ...Value-Mart?

the city of Los Francisco.

>>> San Angeles' female double.

QUINN: Thank you, do you know any place where we can get some food to eat?

>>> GREETER: "Well, I dunno 'bout food to eat, but you can get some to scrub your hair with in the second tent to your right."

GREETER: Come with me.
The team sits down at a table in an outside restaurant. The sliders are brought four places of dirt.

>>> Don't forget to carry the one.

REMMY: What is this?
WAITER: Food.

>>> "It's organic dirt."

WADE: Can we see a menu?
WAITER: What's a menu?
WADE: Never mind.

>>> Douglas Adams only wished he could satirize the frustration of coming up against implacable bureaucracies as well as this guy.

The sliders receive four empty cups.

>>> HEY! The 'Oxygen-Flavoured Big Gulps' idea was mine! MINE! DAMN YOUR UNORIGINAL HIDE, 75!!!

WAITER: Enjoy.
The Professor looks around seeing the other people here smelling and inhaling the nothingness out of their cups.

>>> Much as the original "Outer Limits" was required to include a scary monster or 'bear' in every episode, slider75 is under contract to produce one idea per fic so jaw-droppingly stupid that it makes "AfterM*A*S*H" look like a surefire hit. This week: the concept of charging for open-topped cups full of the same air all around them.

Wade yells at the waiter?

>>> Even slider75's fingers rebelled at the unlikeliness of this...

WADE: Hey could we have some water?
He walks back over to them.
WAITER: What is water?

>>> WATER: What is waiter?

ARTURO: Never mind, my friend is delirious. We have to go. Where is the nearest informational center?
WAITER: You mean the library?

>>> *extended laugh track, with added hooting and hollering*

Two miles from here.
ARTURO: Thanks.

>>> "I'll just walk out to a two-mile radius and search EVERY BUILDING IN A PERFECT CIRCLE, YOU BONEHEAD!"

We shift to Arturo looking at a book.
ARTURO: Yes I knew it!

>>> He proceeds to dance a brief jig.

Water does not exist on this world.
REMMY: How is that possible?
ARTURO: According to this the makeup of life on this world relies on gases and solids,

>>> KEITH DAMRON: "Every damn pitch we got was Civil War this, Civil War that. We wanted to examine some subtler alternate histories, like how the effects of a tiny change like liquids never being discovered might trickle down to present day LA. I mean, not trickle down. And... present day LF."

so this world and its people don't need H20 to survive.

>>> Somewhere, Bill Nye rolled over in his Giant Mahogany Coffin of Science.

So there for water never existed here.

>>> And aside from the non-invention of wet T-shirt contests, history proceeded on exactly the same path. Huh.

WADE: Then we need to preserve that water we have as much as we can.

>>> What's this duffel bag made of, anyway? Thermalized plastic?

REMMY: This is a little too much for me to swallow. I need another drink.

>>> Rembrandt's "everyman" role has gradually shifted from demanding comprehensible explanations for time running slower or backwards, to absorbing wild claims of rock 'n roll vampires or waterless humans and passively finding them "a little too much to swallow." As if THAT'll put our doubts at ease.

Remmy takes a big gulp of water from Wade's 2 liters into his body.

>>> "Hey, at times like this, Pacific salt water's better than nothing!"

As man walks by him though

>>> It's anyone's guess who's supposed to be walking by here. Aslan? The Tasmanian Devil? Letterman mainstay Dick Assman?

and Remmy spills some of the water all over him.
MAN: What the hell is that stuff! It's eating right through my skin!

>>> Typo. Line should read "YEEAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

WADE: What's going on?

>>> You just put the "hydro" into "hydrochloric acid." *rimshot*

QUINN: Since water doesn't exist on this world it must act against their bodies.

>>> Logical. They teach you that in Taxonomy, Quinn?

It's killing him.

MAN: GET ALL OF THEM!!!!!
The sliders run as fast as they can out of the building.
REMMY: What are we going to do?
QUINN: It looks like we have no choice but we're going to have to run back into the desert.

>>> No, hide in the Master's house! It's the one place they'll never look!

Guards stop them from all directions.
GUARD: Stop or we'll soot.

>>> Oh no! The elite Santa Guard!

ARTURO: I don't think so!

>>> Seriously, just who did they get to play Arturo in this story? Keanu Reeves? The other guy from "Bill and Ted"? Just wondering.

Arturo leaps onto the guard pushing him down. Quinn spins around and his leg kicks the second guard to the floor without a second though.

>>> You mean "thought"? His leg kicks without a second thought?? I know Orwell complained about the thoughtless use of clichés, but man.

Wade and Remmy run as fast as they can but the other two guards grab them at the last moment pulling them back with no escape.

>>> See previous riff. WHY is 75 telling us that there's "no escape" when the next two sentences prove there IS?!

Wade swings around and punches the guard holding Remmy down. They made a death defying escape

>>> It even defies description. Apparently.

and they catch Quinn and The Professor and the four of them run out of town.
WADE: How many more hours until the slide?
QUINN: 5.
REMMY: Great, and we don't even have one drop of water left.

>>> Huh? When'd they lose the "duffle" bag? Last we heard of it, Remmy was taking another "big gulp from Wade's 2 liters" when he spilled "some of the water" on "as man." There's no indication that they spilled the rest or dropped their bag in the skirmish. But hey, "tell, don't show" has always been the way of this series.

The sliders walk slowly along this dry road

>>> The third and final use of the story's title within its text. I'd call it pretentious, but...

with hardly any energy left.
WADE: Doo wee have to keep going?

>>> Words fail me...

QUINN: Justt for a littlee longer. We slider in an hourr.

>>> ...although not as badly as they failed slider75.

Remmy faints along with Quinn.
WADE: We have to to keep awake Professor, or we'll miss the slide. I'm going to sit down.
ARTURO: Don't Wade you'll…

>>> ...get sand in your shorts? Die?

He looks at he and sees that she has passed out.
ARTURO: Pass out. Only a half hour Arturo, you can make it.

>>> It's WELLES!! I mean, MAX!!!

Time goes by and it's 30 seconds until the slide.

>>> The professor only survived by sucking every last drop of saliva from his unconscious colleagues' mouths.

He activates the vortex throwing Wade, Quinn, and Rembrant in. He collapses. About 40 seconds later he wakes up, drags himself to the wormhole and falls in.

>>> And there we have it, folks! Once again, sliding made a difference! Gee, at least this time they only killed one person.

The vortex opens and all the sliders fall on the grass in the park. Several minutes later a women came along and sees the four.

>>> The man has more tenses than a motel clerk!

WOMEN: Oh gosh.
She gets a bottle of water out of her purse and splashes it on the group.

>>> In the 75 tradition, we've apparently gone from "splashing water on people is illegal" world to "NOT splashing water on people is illegal" world.

REMMY: Ugh.

>>> At last, the PROOF that Cleavant is Tf!

The rest of sliders wake up.

>>> STAGEHAND: Is it over? Can we go now?

WOMEN: Are you four all right?
QUINN: Yeah we're fine but we have to go.

>>> [calling to stagehand] "Hey, could you give me a lift?"

Quinn picks the timer up off the ground.
WADE: Thank you.
The sliders walk out of the park.

>>> Mixed baseball metaphor, or just the anticlimactic end to another tale told by an idiot? You be the umpire.

- Blinker 7:-/
http://slidersweb.net/blinker