A Cold Day

slider75 episode 7.6

MSTed by Blinker

We've got slider75 sign...

>>> The story of slider75 finally managing to write a coherent fanfic. Oh, and did I mention it's set in hell?

Written by Slider75

>>> When you're proud of finishing each story in half an hour flat and refuse to do any editing whatsoever, can it really be called 'writing'?

He dashed across the field trying desperately to get to the others. His heart is racing at 100 miles per hour,

>>> Nearby, professional race car driver Jeff Gordon was racing at 100 beats per minute.

as he has to stop to take a life saving breath.

>>> The scene around him freezes as he pops a Life Savers Breath Mint (with accompanying "ding!" effect.)

SOLDIER 1: Hey buddy, are you okay?

REMMY: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just a little exhausted.

>>> HOMER [chasing Remmy]: He's just a little exhausted! He's still good! He's still good!

From a few meters in front of him Quinn Mallory shouts out to him.

QUINN: Hey Remmy you coming, we slide in a few minutes!

>>> So it's gonna take him a few minutes to cover a few meters?! I know blown timelines are a Sliders tradition, but really!

SOLDIER 1: Looks like your friend wants you. Get out of here. Ah chew!

>>> That was either the weirdest non sequitur ever, or a really poor attempt to indicate a sneeze.

He sneezes right on Remmy's face.

>>> A Confederate soldier: Whedon's original, somewhat less frightening concept for the Queller Demon.

SOLDIER: Sorry. Good luck!

>>> What, he isn't "Soldier 1" anymore? Oh, right... this is where 75 realized there'll only BE one soldier in the scene, so the additional designation is amazingly pointless. But there's only 28 minutes left! No time to correct!

REMMY: Thanks.

Remmy dashes desperately towards the group so he doesn't miss the slide.

>>> The exposition on Remmy's motivation for hurrying is necessary for readers who tuned in late.

WADE: You okay Remmy?

REMMY: Yeah, I'll be glad to leave this world.

ARTURO: Me too Mr. Brown, nothing like sliding into a second American civil war.

>>> The hell?! He sounds like he's expounding on the fresh mountain air or something!

REMMY: And having one of the soldiers sneeze directly in your face.

>>> Yes, no Civil War experience would be complete without that.

ARTURO: Here we go.

Arturo opens the vortex. Remmy jumps into the magnificent colored tunnel, which is colored like it was during their first years of sliding.

>>> Just a guess... blue?

Quinn and Wade jump in right in front of Arturo.

>>> "Last one in is a rotten egghead!"

Remmy falls straight out of the vortex and his face goes directly into a batch of pollen flowers.

>>> Courtesy of stock footage from "The Last of Eden."

Quinn and Wade fall right onto the grass, and Arturo's back ends up on the sidewalk. Remmy quickly gets his face out of the flowers.

>>> Seriously. Who knows what Kari's been doing to them...

REMMY: Ah chew!

Quinn and Wade walk over to The Professor.

WADE: Are you okay?

ARTURO: Do I look okay Ms. Welles? My back just landed directly on the hardest cement I've ever felt!

>>> MINDGAME ANNOUNCER: "On the Moh's Scale of Mineral Hardness, rank the following five substances: talc, gypsum, ordinary cement, limestone, and the special extra-hard cement that Arturo just landed on."

QUINN: It's okay Professor.

>>> "It is not okay! That blasted sidewalk was so hard, I couldn't even dent it!"

How long are we here?

ARTURO: 4 days.

>>> WADE: For how many, though?

WADE: Why did the vortex change colors again?

>>> Hey, you aren't supposed to notice that! It makes the show too realistic.

QUINN: I think every time you open the tunnel there's some sort of pulse that goes through it, which can change the color or keep it the same.

>>> Um... yeah. Is this pulse measured in miles per hour, too?

WADE: Does it feel like it's easier to breath on this earth than the last one?

>>> REMMY: Hey, she who smelt it dealt it, lady!

QUINN: Yeah it does I don't have to gasp as much for lots of air?

>>> His delivery belies that statement.

REMMY: Don't any of you care about me? First a man sneezes in my face then my face lands directly in pollen.

>>> "Actually, this is kinda cool. The pollen got stuck in the mucus, and now I look like some sorta feathered mutant! Let's go freak out some kids!"

I'll be sneezing forever.

WADE: Ah, poor baby, just make sure you don't give me a cold if you get one.

>>> The cold cynicism of this chilling remark hints at Wade's harrowing torment in the breeding camps. Or... not.

REMMY: You're real sensitive. Q-ball are we any closer to finding the ray that can neutralize the nuclear pulse so we can go home?

>>> QUINN [pause]: "Remmy, what in the hell are you talking about?"

QUINN: The Kromaggs are the only ones who have the technology according to Max Welles, and until we find Kromaggs we won't go home.

>>> Try setting the timer for Season Four sometime.

People start walking by.

>>> They stood offstage waiting for their cue through that whole conversation.

REMMY: Ah Chew!

A tall African American women,

>>> ...from that Bond movie with Christopher Walken...

I tall Hispanic man, and a short white woman walk over to Remmy.

>>> Aww, did you have to include a token white person? I mean, now you don't have any room for the Eskimo!

AFRICAN: What was that?

REMMY: Are you talking to me?

>>> Cleavant Derricks stars in a pointless remake of "Taxi Driver." Thank you, Gus Van Sant.

HISPANIC: Yes, she is we all want to know what that was.

>>> "I want to buy a recording of it for my wife." [pause] "It's going to accompany the divorce papers, okay?"

REMMY: Ah chew!

SHORT WOMEN: Could you please tell us what that is?

>>> Hmm... the "tall African American women [sic]" is abbreviated to "African," but the "short white woman" is abbreviated to "short women [sic]." I'm not sure whether to criticize the subtle racism, or the absolute incoherence.

REMMY: A sneeze. You don't know what sneeze is?

>>> AFRICAN: We ask, he freezes
>>> REMMY: She doesn't know what sneeze is
>>> WADE: His sinus got diseases from the Civil Waaaaaar

HISPANIC: Why would we? I've never heard of such a thing.

AFRICAN: Me neither.

REMMY: This is nuts,

>>> No 7>:-#, Remmy. Even on the small points, slider75 falls down. Picture this: someone on a busy California sidewalk is making a weird sound with his nose. You really think an ethnically diverse crowd is going to gather on the spot to repeatedly ask him "Could you please tell us what that is?"

I've got to go. (He turns to back to the others.) Professor what's going on?

ARTURO: It appears we've landed on a word

>>> "...judging from this hyphen up my >:-#."

where the cold virus must not exist. This is truly extraordinary.

>>> Almost as extraordinary as Arturo's belief that the common cold is the only possible cause of sneezing. Here's a little experiment for you, 75... walk into a reaaaaaaal dusty room. Then get back to me.

WADE: Why, what's the big deal.

QUINN: Wade you said yourself the air is easier to breathe, which is a sign of fewer things in the air. For all we know we could have just landed on the first world where viruses don't exist.

>>> This is a prime example of what db3cool recently brought up. If you remove viruses from the history of the world (as outrageous as that premise is), a million changes accumulate and compound each other that would make the present day unrecognizable. Since we're talking about a radical change to the planet's ecology that would predate higher evolution, I doubt we'd even be the same species (let alone one with the city of San Francisco and a double of Abraham Lincoln, as seen below.)

WADE: That means with your sneezing Remmy that you could have just brought the first virus to this world.

>>> But if 75's intended audience needs to have THAT spelled out for them, I doubt they're ready for Allohistorical Theory 104.

QUINN: What if you found a gateway to other worlds,

WADE: where anything is possible?

>>> "No matter how improbable or stupid it is?"

REMMY: What if you got lost by searching these worlds though?

ARTURO: And what if you have one last chance to find your way back home?

ALL: We've found the gateway!

Season 1 Theme

Staring:

>>> Hey, quit that! I'm telling!

Jerry O'Connell and Quinn Michael Mallory

>>> Suddenly, the Olsen twins don't seem so bad.

Sabrina Lloyd as Wade Kathleen Welles

>>> Damn, he actually spelled a line right! [shrugs] I got nothing.

Cleavant Derricks as Rembrant 'Cryn Man' Lee Brown

>>> That's better. I guess 75 figured the authoritative spelling would have to be found on the man's license plate.

And John Rhys-Davies as Professor Maximallian Arturo

>>> PECK: "We adjusted his name to appeal to the young female market."

Sliders Whisper by Robert K. Weiss

>>> Until he sues to prevent the use of his voice. 75: "Oh well, I'll have his voice morph into a Kromagg's in the season premiere..."

REMMY: Hold on a second, maybe I don't have a cold for sure.

>>> "Maybe I only have one for waveringly uncertain."

QUINN: That's true.

>>> "Maybe you're just sneezing 'cause you're allergic to sick people coughing directly on your face."

Just for safety though Remmy check into The Dominion, and the three of us will find out the history of this world.

>>> "Now then, where's a homeless guy smoking a joint at close range..."

The group of three go up into The San Francisco library.

>>> Or look for Exec himself! Good call!

ARTURO: Okay if you can't find anything that says 'virus' unless it has to do with computers then my guess would be viruses don't exist here.

>>> "Unless it has to do with computers"?!? Just when you thought this story couldn't get ANY dumber...

Wade goes over into the dictionary are of the library.

>>> HOMER: Heh heh heh... they suuuure are.

She pulls out The Webster's Dictionary.

>>> Only for the serious net surfer.

She scans the book looking for virus.

>>> With a med-scanner picked up from "World Killer" Earth.

Virus-A program that causes a computer to crash.

>>> ROTFLMLSLTAO!! Under that definition, MS Word is the worst virus of all time!

She walks back over to Arturo.

WADE: Well Professor you appear to be right for one, the viruses that cause sickness don't exist on this world.

>>> Right. Just the ones that cause euphoria, increased dexterity, and unbelievable luck.

ARTURO: Mr. Mallory get over here. (Quinn quietly walks over) It appears that we were correct, actual viruses don't exist here.

>>> Only the virtual ones which were also termed "viruses" by ASTOUNDING COINCIDENCE! 75, how can I put this kindly...

So there's a problem.

WADE: Why isn't that good? I mean there are no colds, no HIV, I think it's great.

>>> That's our Wade all right! "A world free of sickness, huh? TIME FOR CASUAL SEX!!!!"

ARTURO: You're not seeing the big picture Ms. Welles. It was great before we got here but the four of us have viruses in us. And with every sneeze Rembrant took he spread them.

>>> C'mon, 75, only sixteen minutes left to write! Quit spelling out the obvious and get to the conflict!

WADE: So people have colds every once in a while, big deal.

QUINN: Wade these people's bodies have never come in contact with viruses, meaning they have no immunity against them. If a person gets a cold on this world it could cause them to die in a matter of hours.

>>> *cough*DIDTHISINFEVER*cough*

WADE: Oh my god, we better get inside then before we spread any more of it.

>>> "And, these cold viruses' ability to eat through walls renders most buildings extremely vulnerable to attack!"

QUINN: And we better hope that these people's bodies find a way to build immunities against the virus.

ARTURO: Yes we should, but with Mr. Brown's sneeze it may all ready be to late for this world.

>>> Look, it's not possible to make a sentence with the word "sneeze" in it sound foreboding. It's just not.

The group enters Remmy's room.

WADE: How are you doing Remmy?

REMMY: look at my nose.

Rembrant turn his nose to show it's bright redness,

>>> Wade's gaze panned to the hotel room's minibar.

just like Rudolph's nose.

>>> If this story ends with Remmy being invited to pull a sleigh, I'm KILLING someone.

WADE: That bad.

She walks over to Arturo.

WADE: Professor why can't we just kill the virus?

>>> Because, Captain Janewade, you don't have a bazooka small enough...

ARTURO: You don't remember your high school Taxonomy or Biology classes do you?

>>> "Sure I do! Taxonomy was right in between Home Ec. and Gym."

WADE: Just tell me.

ARTURO: Virus aren't considered living. The only life like ability the have is to reproduce and they need a host cell to do that. There is something I've neglected to tell you though.

WADE: What?

>>> ARTURO: "I... ate Rembrandt's bag of pork rinds."

ARTURO: If the cold is driven out of his body before we leave them we can use his blood to help other people's bodies build an immunity.

WADE: Why?

>>> "Yeah, why can't we just let them all die?"

QUINN: Immunities we be built up

>>> Like Sam Beckett, Quinn is fluent in seven different languages. Although three of them are dialects of Ebonics.

in Remmy's body and they'll be in his blood. So putting his blood into another person would get rid of the virus.

>>> And remember... in the Sliders multiverse, there's no such thing as blood types.

Of course it may mutate so the person could get another cold, but they'll be able to fight it off on their own.

>>> Oh. Well, as long as we're clear on that point.

WADE: Is there a chance they'll live if their bodies can build immunity with out his blood?

QUINN: it's very slim, but they could.

>>> No, no! Build UP the tension!

3 days later:

Remmy wakes up in his bed at about 9 in the morning with the others already up having breakfast.

>>> With only twelve minutes to go, 75 hired Dorky to ghostwrite a few key passages.

REMMY: Man I slept great.

WADE: It looks like you did, and your cold looks like it's gone to.

>>> ...gone to the same place as the rest of that sentence, I guess.

REMMY: yeah I think it is. I blacked out the last couple of days pretty much,

>>> Again, Wade cast her eyes to the minibar. The shelves were utterly bare, and the door was swinging forlornly to and fro.

what did you guys do?

QUINN: We went out and explored and…

ARTURO: found tons of people have the cold virus, you're not going to believe what's going on with it, you're not going to like it.

>>> Seriously, what kind of cold IS this? I mean, when I get a runny nose, I don't usually black out for two days.

Remmy starts to watch the television.

REPORTER: Someone has made the city of San Francisco a deadly place.

>>> Not deadly enough to incite panic and a state of emergency, just deadly enough to get mentioned on the morning news between stocks and an interview with Ashton Kutcher.

Several people have claimed to see and hear a man doing what he calls 'sneezing,'

>>> PAVEL: Is true! [points to red nose] He - he give me this!

and now 75% of our town is doing the same the same

>>> "A link between 'sneezing' and 'stuttering' has not yet been proven."

thing. This 'Sneeze' has cause a quarter of our population to already die.

>>> Okay, let me get this straight. 200,000 people are DEAD inside of TWO DAYS (not that the reporter bothers to supply any timeframe...) and the news report on this mounting catastrophe lasts FOUR CALMLY DELIVERED SENTENCES???? What is this, VALIUM WORLD?!?

All I have to say is I'm getting out of this city as soon as I can.

>>> "But first, over to Kate for the weather. Kate? Um, Kate?"

Tami Straker

>>> Tami! Why, it's a double of the spa worker from "The Breeder"! Now THAT'S continuity.

sighing off,

>>> Her hopelessness has started to manifest as Freudian slips.

back to you Jim.

>>> "My name isn't Jim! It's TIM!"

REMMY: Oh my god, I'm responsible for this.

ARTURO: That's why we have to get to the hospital and have your blood drawn. It has immunities that may drive the virus out of the bodies of these people

>>> Am I the only one who sees 75 heading for an "Osmosis Jones" pastiche? Am I the only one heading for the gun cabinet?

saving the lives of millions of people.

REMMY: When do we slide?

QUINN: This afternoon.

>>> "Damn it! Look Q-Ball, can't we go to the Thomas Pynchon signing first? We can take care of this blood thing afterward!"

REMMY: Let's get to work then. What's the plan Q-ball?

>>> Are you deaf? Arturo just outlined it!

QUINN: Why do I always have to have the plan?

>>> Hellooooo! It's Arturo's plan! Hospital! Blood drawn! Immunities!

WADE: What are you talking about I've planned most of our moves lately.

>>> ARE YOU PEOPLE DEAF?!

QUINN: Fine, here it is.

>>> I give up.

The team walks out of The Dominion and start walking towards the hospital. Remmy enters in the lobby and stands up on a chair so everyone can hear.

>>> But no one heard at all... not even the chair.

REMMY: Excuse me everyone! I'm the person where the so-called 'Sneeze sickness' came from, my name is Rembrant Brown. As you see I'm not dead so I must have a cure.

>>> Sounds like airtight logic to me. As in, logic coming from someone who's spent a little too much time with an airtight bag over his head.

The cure is my blood. It has immunities in it what will fight off

>>> REMBRANDT: "I've been hangin' around you waaay too long, Ebonics Boy."
>>> QUINN: "Don't I know it, G."

this sickness.

So before I go to jail, let me save your life! And the sickness is actually called 'The Cold Virus.'

Remmy steps down.

>>> Such was the sad aftermath of Wuhrergate.

ARTURO: I'm proud of you Mr. Brown. I don't even think I could have just done that.

>>> "I probably would have crushed the chair."

REMMY: Thanks Professor.

NANCY: Come Mr. Brown, we'll have your blood drawn up right away,

>>> Drawn up? Are we talking blood here, or a mortgage?

my name is Nancy.

>>> As Nancy has a name and a major speaking part, there's no need to define her ethnicity. But for the record, she's from Tibet.

Nancy shows Remmy to his room.

NANCY: Wait here.

>>> Is Nancy already infected? Because from what paltry description the author provides, she seems pretty blasé about her contact with Patient Zero.

The Nancy walks back into the lobby with the other sliders watching her. She goes to the desk phone. She calls the police.

NANCY: Hello we have the man here who caused the sneeze. After we draw his blood take him right out of here please. So you'll be here for the drawing then?

>>> "Really, the door prizes are fabulous. One of our interns, Susan, baked this cake..."

Great, Bye.

QUINN: Oh no, we have to get Remmy out of here now.

WADE: Quinn this world will die if we do that.

QUINN: Don't worry about it, trust me.

>>> That's way out of character. Quinn wouldn't bother trying to assuage Wade's guilt with platitudes; he'd be inviting the Chick of the Week to slide with them even if it were her immunities needed to save humanity. And I offer the following dialogue from "Sole Survivors" as proof:

>>> QUINN: You could come with us.
>>> DR. TASSLER: But... it will mean the end of mankind here.
>>> DEBRA: W-- you're asking if I want to leave this world with you?
>>> QUINN [pointedly ignoring Dr. Tassler, as the invitation is for hot chicks only]: That's right. You can come with us.

The group walks to Remmy.

QUINN: Remmy we have to get out of here now. Did you make sure you did the thing?

>>> Worst "withholding the plan from the audience until they can see it in action" scene ever. EVER!

REMMY: Yes I did.

WADE: What are you two talking about?

REMMY: We'll tell you on the next world. Come on.

WADXE: Wait you guys we can't leave this world to die!

>>> Wadxe is better known to TF1 fans as the Chinese Wade.

REMMY: You have no choice.

>>> Why the hell are they being so cruel to Wade? Is she going to sell them out to the police if they confide their plan to save this world or something?

The group walks into the hallway. They see Nancy on the left side and the cops on the right.

NANCY: What are you doing?

The group turns their heads trying to decide.

>>> Nancy... cops. Nancy... cops. Nancy... cops.

QUINN: Run to the left!

>>> Yeah... that was my thinking, too.

The team races like wild animals past Nancy with the vicious cops chasing after them.

>>> Would you believe that's not the weirdest animal imagery left in the story?

WADE: Keep running!

The team races towards the Lincoln statue.

>>> It's in the hospital's dental clinic having its plaque removed.

QUINN: 10 seconds! Here we go!

He activates the vortex and jumps into the blue portal. The Professor takes a tiny jump in and Wade flies into the vortex like a bird.

>>> Yes, by flapping her arms and swooping into it from above. *sigh*

Before Remmy enters the vortex he turns and says:

REMMY: Be grateful you don't know what HIV is.

He then dives into the vortex and it closes.

>>> COP [leering at Nancy]: You know, he has a point...

The tunnel opens and all of the sliders end up in the ocean. They walk onto the beach.

>>> They're so practiced, they don't even need to swim.

WADE: I can't believe we left that world to die.

>>> "...Hey, look! A surf shack!"

REMMY: When I said you didn't have choice you did.

>>> HUH? So she had a choice between leaving that world (as far as she knew) to die, or staying behind and finding out that Remmy lied to her? Even for crappy fanfiction this is incomprehensible.

WADE: What do you mean?

>>> Yeah, that's what I'd like to know!

QUINN: All you need to know is that Remmy left something of his behind that will save that world.

>>> WADE: Uh, how is a slice of his buttocks supposed to cure the common cold?
>>> REMBRANDT: Trust me, girl, it's one damn fine piece of ass.

Wade smiles at them.

We shift back to the previous world

>>> ...via a "Malcolm in the Middle"-style wipe...

and Nancy walks into the blood donor room.

NANCY: It's not fair, now we're all going to die.

>>> "Oh well... these tables aren't going to clean themselves."

As she goes over to clean the table she notices a vile and a note.

The vile has blood in it. She starts reading the note. This is what it says:

This blood will save your word

>>> Remmy be a Blood. Word! WILL THESE EBONICS NEVER CEASE?!?

from the sneeze because it had immunities in it that were naturally in my blood. I drew it myself

>>> "Well, Wade insisted on drawing all those smiley faces on the platelets. I insist they detract from the overall feel of the piece."

incase I had to leave town to escape the cops so you would be able to save this world.

>>> "There weren't any syringes in the room where you left me, so I had to use a ballpoint pen. Tell the janitor I'm really, really sorry."

Use this blood wisely.

>>> Nancy sighed, returned to the hospital fridge, and poured the blood back into the vial from the pitcher labeled "KOOL-AID."

It's about the only thing that can save your world now.

>>> "There's always the Sword of Bondregan, but I doubt there'd be time to retrieve it from the Dark Necromancer's clutches."

Good luck.

Sincerely,

Rembrant Lee Brown

>>> And that, children, is how the sliders unwittingly caused the deaths of millions, and no one on that world particularly cared. (As if anyone on this one did.) The moral: always heighten the drama by keeping from one member of your group, no matter what, the knowledge that you have already set plans in motion to save the day. Now get to sleep.

- Blinker 7:-/
http://slidersweb.net/blinker