Part III - Production of Adversity Chapter II - Field Trip

Narrator: Remember Chris Black? He's one of Peck's underlings. He's that producer who had the thick child molester mustache and the major thing for women in uniform. Whenever he sees a policewoman he just loses control. It's pretty strange how little things like that can change a person's life.

[ Chris Black hears the song "Another Saturday Night," by Cat Stevens. He likes the song so much that he mouths along to the words, bounces around in his seat, and plays conductor with his right index finger. Most importantly, he pounds his foot down alternately on the gas and brake pedals, following the beat with his foot. As a result, his car moves in lurches according to the beat... really slow lurches.
Black panics when he hears a siren from behind. He pulls over to the side of the road. The police car stops right behind him.
Black looks in his rear view mirror to see the officer. A fully-uniformed woman steps out of the car. Black sees this and panics, giggling wildly. ]

Black: [to himself, giggling, fast-talking] Oh my God! A woman in uniform! A WOMAN IN UNIFORM!!! Hee hee hee!

[ By the time the policewoman steps up to the window of the driver's side of Black's car, Black is bucking and twisting in his seat. ]

Cop: Sir, step out of the car please!

[ Black opens the car door and steps out. He tries to stand up straight and giggles wildly in the process. ]

Black: I like women in uniform! Hee hee hee!
Cop: Is there a problem?
Black: Hee hee hee!

[ The woman takes a step back and looks at him. She starts to look at Black's mustache. As she takes a closer look, she gasps. ]

Cop: Oh, God, that mustache... You're a child molester, aren't you?!
Black: Hee hee hee!
Cop: You have to be a child molester. Nobody else would have that kind of mustache! You're under arrest, freak!
Black: Hee hee...
Miss Stillman: [interrupting] He's over there!

[ We suddenly go to Miss Stillman, who is in a huge grassy field, obviously in the middle of a large green park. A river is nearby. Even closer to her is her class of about 30 high school students. She points at Joey, who is with a filming crew.
Miss Stillman and her class run over to Joey. As soon as the blonde teacher sees Joey, she wraps her arms around him. ]

Joey: Um, hey Miss Stillman.
Miss Stillman: Hi, Joey! [pauses] How are you?
Joey: I think I'm all right. What are you doing here?
Miss Stillman: You haven't been in school lately and I missed you so much! I just had to take your human sexuality class on a field trip to the set of the Sliders movie!
Joey: How did you convince production...?

[ Peck suddenly walks up behind Miss Stillman. Joey rolls his eyes. ]

Joey: Peck?
Peck: She said she teaches students about sex. I couldn't resist!

[ Peck's cell phone rings. He answers it. ]

Peck: [in the phone] Bruce? ... Hey, man! ... Dinner? ... Sorry, but I'm busy... Yeah, I know... Look, we'll be able to do something soon... Don't worry about it! ... Okay... Bye!

[ Peck turns around. Miss Stillman still has not let go of Joey. The other students mill around the set. Robert, Tembi, Kari, Jerry, Charlie, and Cleavant are in the middle of the field with the cameras pointed at them. ]

Joey: Um, Miss Stillman, I think you can let go of me now!

[ Miss Stillman squeezes harder, leaving Joey short of breath. ]

Miss Stillman: I don't think so, my precious puppy-wuppy!
Narrator: I really thought I was going to die!
Joey: Um, I need to check something!

[ Miss Stillman smiles and lets go of Joey. It takes a while for Joey to regain breathing regularity. When he does, he smiles at her and walks over to Paul Cajero. Cajero is a few yards away from Peck, about to enter one portable outhouse in a line of them along the river. ]

Joey: Hey, Cajero!

[ Cajero turns around. ]

Cajero: What?
Narrator: This is Cajero, the only member of Sliders production I really like.
Joey: Do you know what happened to Chris Black? I don't see him here.
Cajero: [laughing] He got arrested this morning. Apparently some chick cop thought he was a child molester. It was the mustache. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to.

[ Cajero shows Joey a rolled-up newspaper, which Cajero takes with him into the outhouse. Joey goes back to the set.
A few yards away in a different direction, Bill Dial is standing behind a tree, completely naked. He giggles to himself. ]

Bill Dial: [to himself] One streak across the set and the other producers will be so impressed with me they'll make me leader again! I'm so smart now that I came up with this idea! Life's been looking up ever since I decided to start stating the obvious to myself! I'm so smart!

[ Bill Dial runs out from behind the tree and runs straight at the set. Before Bill Dial even comes close to the set, Joey turns his head and sees him. Joey gasps. ]

Joey: Bill Dial?! What are you doing here?!

[ Bill Dial gasps and jumps in fear. ]

Bill Dial: [to himself] Oh no! Discovered before I even started! My plan is foiled!

[ Scared, Bill Dial runs back behind the tree. Joey rolls his eyes.
Joey looks over at Peck and notices that Peck has a boombox next to his chair. ]

Joey: What's that boombox for?
Peck: Oh, this? Well, I've noticed that these Sliders scenes are much more fun when they're accompanied by music! Check this out!

[ Peck plays "Joy to the World" by Three Dog Night on his boombox. ]

Narrator: Whoa! That was total déjà vu!
Peck: [yelling out to the actors] Hey, Jerry, Charlie, Cleavant, Kari, you're not in this part! Go do something else!
Joey: Dude, Paul Leonard died the last time you let those four go do something else!
Peck: Oh, Joey, it was a coincidence. What do you think they'll do, push the Port-o-Potties into the river or something?

[ Jerry briefly looks at Peck, then at the other actors. ]

Jerry: Hey, Kari, Cleavant, Charlie, I just got a great idea!

[ Joey looks at Peck. ]

Peck: What?
Joey: I'm gonna go stop him...
Peck: Actually, Joey, I have an assignment for you.
Joey: What now?!
Peck: Could you do a little undercover work for me?
Joey: [confused] What?
Peck: I need you to convince Miss Stillman to let me take cameras in her sex ed class!
Joey: Why?
Peck: I'm doing that TV special for my kids alongside this, and I don't have anything yet!
Joey: Wait, are you talking about that one TV special of yours where you talk about sex?
Peck: Yes, Joey, and I'm still not done with it! If I don't get it done soon I'll have to tell Da, Garrett, and my third kid about sex myself! Only you can get me out of that, Joey!
Joey: I'm pretty sure Da knows where babies come from by now. She's fifteen.
Peck: You can never be too sure! Now go see Miss Stillman! She's in Kari's trailer. Kari let her borrow it. She says she left a surprise under the bed for you!
Narrator: Probably a big hairy wig.

[ Joey reluctantly trudges over to the trailer. Sure enough, the door opens to Miss Stillman's smiling face. Visibly delighted, she grabs Joey into the trailer by the shirt. She smiles at him. Joey takes a quick glance out the trailer window and gasps at what he sees. Jerry, Cleavant, Charlie, and Kari have all crowded around the line of portable outhouses. ]

Joey: Oh, shit, they're really gonna do it!
Miss Stillman: Do what?
Joey: [frantic] I'll be right back, Miss Stillman!

[ Joey runs out of the trailer. Peck starts the cameras rolling and plays "Little Green Bag," by Tom Jones & Barenaked Ladies, at full volume. Panicked, Joey runs straight through, clearing every obstacle in sight. He passes by in front of one of the set cameras so fast he only shows up as a blur.
When Joey gets to the outhouses he sees Jerry, Kari, and Charlie laughing. Joey turns and sees Cleavant keeping an eye on the set. ]

Cleavant: [mumbling] Stupid lookout job.

[ Joey looks in the river. Sure enough, six outhouses are floating in the river, each one sinking by a matter of feet with each passing second. ]

Joey: [panicked] Oh my God!
Jerry: Lighten up, Kid! We're just having some innocent fun until Peck finally acknowledges my talent as a big star and pays me accordingly!
Joey: Paul Cajero is in one of those, you idiot!

[ Jerry, Kari, and Charlie pause for a second. ]

Jerry: [nonchalant] Whoops! [laughing hysterically] Wah ha ha ha ha!

[ Kari and Charlie start laughing again too. ]

Joey: [angry] Dammit, I thought he was cool!

[ Joey reluctantly trudges back to the trailer. Miss Stillman greets him with a smile. ]

Miss Stillman: Now where were we?

NEXT: Guilt Trip · Revelation. · Confrontation. · Ass-kicking.