Part II - Recruitment of Pain Chapter II - Rebound

Narrator: After Tracy turned down my offer to write a screenplay because he was busy, I decided to free up his time a little, so I did some research. His new project involves John Travolta, Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise, and Isaac Hayes... All Scientologists! I also did a little research on cult enforcement...
Joey: [talking into the phone] Hello, is this the FBI? Scientology Division? You people are dedicated to destroying every Scientology meeting place on the planet, right? Well, I have a new one for you...

[ We see John Travolta laying on a bed in what looks like a hospital operating room, only much bigger. A number of actors are crowded behind one colorfully-dressed man who appears to be a priest. Everyone in the room is wearing a pyramid-shaped hat. ]

Priest: Today is a very special day for the Church of Scientology, Mr. Travolta. Once again, you've come to us to have those body thetans in your body expelled, correct?
Travolta: That's right. I don't want aliens crawling around inside me anymore, even though they're inside all of us!
Priest: That's right.
Travolta: Hey, where on Teegeeack do these thetans go when they're taken out of me, anyway?
Priest: Different places. In this particular case, we're putting them in a VHS copy of your crappiest film, "The Experts!"

[ The priest holds up a VHS copy of the film. The crowd looks at it with awe. ]

Kidman: That movie did suck.
Travolta: Praise L. Ron Hubbard!
Priest: Are you ready for the operation?
Travolta: Yeah, I think...

[ John Travolta is interrupted by the sound of the door being kicked down. FBI agents swarm into the room, crouch, and aim their guns. ]

Agent: FBI, Scientology Division!
Hayes: You crackers have a Scientology Division?
Agent: We're dedicated to wiping out you Scientology scum forever. You're all under arrest!
Cruise: We're being arrested just for being in Scientology?
Agent: No, you're being arrested for this!

[ The FBI agent holds up a picture of a thoroughly demolished house. ]

Agent: We have evidence that shows everyone in this room destroying a TIME magazine reporter's house after he wrote an anti-Scientology article.
Hayes: I don't remember doing that.
Cruise: Yeah, Isaac, that was us.
Hayes: [out the corner of his mouth] Shut yo damn mouth!

[ We now go back to Joey, who is on Tracy Tormé's doorstep talking to Tracy. ]

Joey: So, now that the main cast of your next movie have all been arrested, I guess you have a lot more free time on your hands, huh?
Tracy: Yeah, I guess so.
Joey: Does this mean you'll write that Sliders screenplay?
Tracy: No.
Narrator: This was getting annoying.
Tracy: Why are you even here? Did Peck send you to mess with me?
Joey: Peck doesn't even know I'm here! [begging] Would you please do the movie?
Tracy: No.
Joey: [begging] Please!
Tracy: I don't wanna!
Narrator: This was getting to be a REAL pain in the ass...
Joey: All right, Tracy... If you don't help me write a screenplay, I'll help the FBI's Scientology Division arrest every last Scientologist in Hollywood AGAIN and you'll be considered the nark! You'll never work with Isaac Hayes again! Are you going to help me, or do I need to start making a few calls?
Narrator: Of course, I was full of shit, but hopefully it made a good bluff...
Tracy: Fine! I'll help you!
Narrator, Joey: [in unison] WOOHOO!!!

[ We see Joey receiving a finished screenplay from Tracy. ]

Narrator: So three days later I had the screenplay.
Tracy: There. There's your Sliders screenplay! Now I never want to see you again!

[ Tracy slams the door. ]

Narrator: And Peck decided to send me back to John, Sabrina, and Cleavant.

[ Joey is in John's house as John Rhys-Davies reads the script. When John is finished, he is so happy he hugs Joey and dances. ]

John: [smiling] Of COURSE I'll act in this! This is one of the greatest pieces of fiction I have ever read! [singing] I am the monarch of the sea...

[ Joey is at Sabrina's doorstep as she reads the script. ]

Sabrina: Wow! This is awesome! This may actually be worth working for Peck! I'll do it!
Joey: Thanks so much!
Sabrina: You're welcome. By the way, good luck recruiting Jerry O'Connell.
Joey: What do you mean?
Sabrina: He's let his career go to his head since he left Sliders.

[ Joey is in Cleavant's kitchen as he reads the script. ]

Cleavant: The Cry'n' Man is BACK! This one's a keeper!
Joey: Great. So you're in?
Cleavant: Of course... By the way, good luck recruiting Jerry O'Connell.
Joey: Huh?
Cleavant: He's been acting like a damn fool ever since he left Sliders.
Narrator: That's not very reassuring.

[ Joey is at the airport in Los Angeles talking to Peck on a pay phone. ]

Joey: [into the phone] Peck, I got John, Sabrina, and Cleavant.
Peck: Great! Now you can go after Jerry O'Connell next! He's probably the hardest one to get, so you'll have lots of fun! Be sure to pick up his brother Charlie while you're at it!

[ Joey hears a click, ending the conversation. ]

Narrator: Well, I tried searching for Jerry and Charlie, but I had problems. They weren't anywhere near Jerry's apartment in New York...

[ We see Joey knocking on an apartment door. ]

Narrator: ... his summer home in Vermont...

[ We see Joey knocking on the door of what looks like a resort house. ]

Narrator: ... his winter home in Colorado...

[ We see Joey knocking on the door of a house submerged in snow on a mountain. ]

Narrator: ... or even his home away from home, a brothel in New Jersey.

[ We see a woman at the door of a brothel talking to Joey. ]

Prostitute: So you're NOT a customer?
Joey: I'm just looking for Jerry O'Connell and his brother Charlie.

[ The woman slams the door in his face.
We see Joey using the pay phone at an airport in New York City. ]

Jerry: [answering machine] Hello, you have reached the O'Connell residence. I'm a big star now, so I'm never home that often...
Narrator: Moron.
Jerry: ... so leave your name and number after the beep. I'll respond if I consider you worth my time and energy as a star! If you've been trying to catch me for a while, try finding me on the road. I have a big star limo now! The plates say "B-I-G-S-T-A-R!" Good luck!

[ Joey hears a beep and opts to hang up the phone instead of leaving a message. He pauses to think for a second, then dials another number. ]

Joey: [on the phone] Larva? ... Hey! It's me, Joey Simms, your husband! ... Oh, not much! ... Hey, could you do me a favor? ... I know you live in the area so I thought you could help me...

[ We see Joey and Larva in a car on the side of a busy freeway. ]

Larva: So, Honey, tell me about what you're doing again. I don't understand.
Joey: Well, I was checking up on the shortest distance from Jerry's apartment to his favorite brothel and it's right here along the New Jersey Turnpike!
Larva: Wouldn't it be easier to talk to him at the whorehouse where he's going or try to catch him at his apartment?
Joey: Well, he's never at his apartment for long and that brothel won't even let me in without paying first and I don't have the money to spend. So, we wait for a limo whose plates say "BIGSTAR"... [sudden] HEY! THAT'S HIM! After him, Larva!

[ Larva puts the car in drive, pulls out into the freeway, and chases the long black stretch limo. As soon as Larva's car pulls off the roadside, we see Cameron Diaz with frizzy blond hair falling from the sky. She looks around. ]

Cameron: Maxine sensed my feminine longing! Woohoo! Oh, shit, I have to get back in Malkovich!

[ Cameron Diaz runs off.
A few hundred feet away, Larva is chasing the limo in her car. Joey is sitting right behind Larva in the back seat. As Larva's car approaches the "BIGSTAR" limo, Joey opens his door. He takes out a skateboard and a rope with a grappling hook on one end. Joey climbs to the top of Larva's car and looks down at Jerry's limo. Joey leans over into Larva's window. ]

Joey: [yelling so Larva can hear] You enjoying our first date?
Larva: Oh yes, Joey!

[ Joey stands on the roof of the car. He throws the grappling hook at the limo's rear bumper. It completely misses. Joey retrieves the hook with the rope and throws it again. It misses again. Joey throws it a third time and it hooks right on. Joey grabs the other end of the rope. He jumps on the skateboard and leaps down onto the road. Luckily, he finds a way to balance himself on the skateboard with the rope in his hand, although he does a lot of wobbling.
So, as it ends up, as Jerry's "BIGSTAR" limo is driving down the New Jersey turnpike, Joey is skating right behind him, connected by a rope. Inside the limo, Jerry and Charlie O'Connell look out the back window. ]

Charlie: What's that kid doing?
Jerry: It looks like he's skating right behind us!
Charlie: Cool! It's like waterskiing on a freeway!
Jerry: I better go see what he wants...

[ Outside, Joey finds a way to maintain balance while holding the rope with both hands. He starts to tremble as a car gains on him from behind. Joey sees Jerry's head pop up out of the limo's sunroof. Jerry climbs out of the limo, walks to the back, and sits on the edge of the limo's roof, his feet planted on the trunk. ]

Jerry: [yelling] What do you want, Kid? This better be good!
Joey: [yelling] Remember that TV show Sliders?
Jerry: [yelling] That insignificant little show? I'm too good for that show now!
Joey: [yelling] I think there's something I can do to advance your career!
Narrator: I love that. I knew just the right thing to say!
Jerry: [yelling] I'm listening.
Joey: [yelling] We're doing a Sliders movie, and we want you to come back for it!
Jerry: [yelling] A Sliders movie? You have a screenplay?

[ Joey looks to his right. Larva is still there, driving alongside him. ]

Joey: [yelling] Larva! Script!

[ Larva rolls down the window and hands Joey the screenplay. Joey smiles. ]

Joey: [yelling] Thanks!
Larva: [yelling] What?
Joey: [yelling] THANKS!
Larva: [yelling] Did you just call me a skank?
Joey: [yelling] I said THANKS!
Larva: [yelling] Oh, okay! You're welcome! Bye!
Joey: [yelling] Where are you...?

[ Before Joey can finish his question, Larva accelerates away. Joey looks back at Jerry and throws the screenplay. Jerry catches it with one hand. Joey watches while maintaining balance while Jerry reads it. ]

Jerry: [yelling] I refuse to do this! My brother isn't even in it!
Joey: [yelling] Yes he is! Keep looking!

[ Jerry keeps reading. ]

Jerry: [yelling] Okay, I see it. Yeah, I'll do it! You're lucky you have a big star like me on this project! It's almost too good for me!
Narrator: I thought about flipping him off, but then I realized it would create even more problems for me.
Jerry: [yelling] See ya 'round, kid!
Narrator: I was lucky. He didn't ask who the executive producer was. But luck never lasts, especially not for Joey Simms.

[ Jerry O'Connell climbs back in the limo. Joey looks at the road and sees a rock smack dab in the middle of the highway, right on his path. He panics and screams at the top of his lungs. He tries to maneuver his skateboard, but the rock is in the middle of the lane, and he can't dodge in time. He screams louder as the small pebble comes closer and closer and closer...
The skateboard collides with the stone, and Joey blacks out. ]

NEXT: Rectal Problems ˇ Sexually active actors. ˇ Showering actors. ˇ Supporting actors.