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Part I - Week of Hell Chapter IV - Change of Curriculum
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(Monday)[ We see Joey on a crowded sidewalk jumping up and down and yelling. ] Narrator: Well, it's Monday... or Tuesday or Saturday or something. Back to school. I can't even use my car this time. Miss Stillman kept it when I went to Peck's. I have to hail a cab. [ Eventually, a taxi pulls up to the curb. Joey steps inside. He's shocked at who is driving. ] Joey: Trav? What are YOU doing here? Travis: This is my job, idiot. What do you THINK I do, work for some idiot in an office building doing stupid chores all day long? That would suck a fat one! Joey: [under his breath] More than you know. Travis: Where to? Joey: HKHS. Travis: Will do... and Stillman BETTER be in a good mood, or it's your ass! Narrator: I couldn't stop thinking about the low blow Da gave me. I thought I'd felt really, really stupid. Then I started to feel REAL stupidity... [ Joey is suddenly in Miss Stillman's class. ] Miss Stillman: This is a very important speech, and there are going to be some big changes, so you better listen! Joey: Oh, please, not again. Miss Stillman: After I realized that my boyfriend Joey is coming of age, I decided that I had to do something so he'd be ready when we reached that special point in our relationship... Joey: Oh no. Miss Stillman: So, I'm shifting this class' focus from English... to human sexuality. [ The class cheers. Miss Stillman smiles and winks at Joey. ] Miss Stillman: We'll start with a live-action display of the human body. Joey, come on up to the front and take off all your clothes on the way! [ Later, Joey is in Peck's office, spaced out with a blank look on his face as Peck talks. ] Peck: So, Joey... Joey: What now? Peck: I'm executive producing a TV special right now while I'm doing our movie. I call it "The Talk." In it I'll be able to tell my kids about sex without actually being there! It's perfect! Joey: [snickering] You oughta go to my English class. That's the main focus now! Peck: [agitated] Really? Are you serious? You have got to tape it for me, Joey! I'll get you a camcorder! Joey: Look, Peck, can't you give me a break or something? Peck: I guess you're right, Joey. You do need a break. Joey: Um, thanks. Peck: Yeah, I'm also executive producing this other project. It's the sequel to "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?." Have you heard of that show? Joey: Yeah, but what's that got to do with... Peck: Well, the sequel is called "SON OF Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?." Anyhow, my millionaire cancelled on me today so I need to find a replacement. Joey: Oh no! No! No! No! Peck: Hey, it's all just an act! You don't really have to be a multimillionaire. It's just for show! Joey: No! No! No! [ That night, Peck watches on his television set. On the TV is a stage. The announcer and three women are there. ] Announcer: And the winner is... Larva Bosch of New York, New York! [ A tall woman with long, curly blond hair and a very tight dress jumps up and down. ] Larva: [ecstatic] Woohoo! I win! Announcer: And now, your mystery multimillionaire... Joey Simms! [ Joey walks out onto the stage. Larva hugs him tight. ] Announcer: What do you have to say, Joey? Joey: [reluctant] Larva... Will you marry me? Larva: Oh, yes, Joey! Yes! Narrator: And then I suddenly remembered Miss Stillman... Joey: Oh no. Narrator: ... but it was too late. Announcer: Well, we'll get the two of you married right away! Then you can go off on your honeymoon on our very special plane, the Honeymoon on Wings! Larva: Where are we going? Announcer: Fantastic Hollywood! Larva: Woohoo! Joey: But I live there! [Joey and Larva are alone together on the "Honeymoon on Wings" after the end of "Son of Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?."] Joey: Um, I have a confession to make... Larva: What? Joey: Uh... I don't know how to say this... I'm not really a multimillionaire. Larva: Oh, that's okay... I'm not really a woman. [ We see a close-up of Joey as he gasps for air. The next thing Joey remembers, he's in a hotel room. He's sitting on a bed as Larva stands in front of him. ] Larva: I'll be right back, honey! I just have to powder my nose for this very special night! [ Larva goes into the bathroom. As soon as Larva is out of sight, Joey quickly, frantically dives for the phone. He picks up the receiver. ] Joey: [panicked] Room service! I need two glasses of champagne. Load one of them with the strongest sedatives you got! [ As soon as Joey hangs up the phone, Larva walks back out of the bathroom. She absently runs her fingers through her hair as she talks. ] Larva: [seductive] So... What do you want to do now? Joey: [stalling] Um, I don't know, but I'm sure I can think of something while I'm sitting here thinking... of stuff... to do... you know... Larva: Why are you stalling? Joey: Um... no reason... I just am... because... I am... [ Joey sighs with relief when he hears a knock on the door. He answers it and sees that his two drinks have been delivered with a champagne bottle. He takes them and gives the hotel staffer ten dollars. ] Joey: [whispering] Thanks SO MUCH! You just saved my life! [ Joey turns around. ] Larva: Champagne?! You SHOULDN'T have! Wow, you're the greatest! [ Larva takes one of the glasses and drinks it down in one gulp. Joey drinks the other one. Joey giggles slightly. He suddenly passes out. ] (Tuesday) [ Joey wakes up to the sound of a phone ringing. He's in a huge, elaborate bed. Larva sleeps right beside him. Joey answers it. ] Joey: Yeah? Peck: Hey, Joey. This is David Peckinpah. Sorry you couldn't come to the phone right now, so I guess... Joey: [interrupting] I'm here. Peck: [surprised] Oh! All right. The plane is all ready. All you have to do is meet me at the airport! Joey: I thought we didn't leave until Wednesday! Peck: What are you talking about? It IS Wednesday! Joey: It's Tuesday. Peck: Look. We've been through this before. Do I have to remind you? Weekends are only one day now! Yesterday was Tuesday. Joey: Whatever. Wasn't I supposed to be on some kind of vacation? Peck: No, that was part of the act. Your job is NEVER done! Get down here; I don't want to have to drive down there and kidnap you! Narrator: He'll do it, too. Joey: I'll be there. Just give me a few minutes to say goodbye to Larva. [ Joey hangs up and gets out of bed. The phone suddenly rings again. Joey answers it and hears a woman crying profusely. ] Joey: [into the phone] Miss Stillman? Miss Stillman: [crying] How COULD you?! You're so CRUEL! You married another woman on NATIONAL TV?! Narrator: Yeah, she watched it. Joey: Look, Miss Stillman, it was all an act! [ Joey hears Miss Stillman sniffle a few times. ] Miss Stillman: Really? Joey: Yeah. Miss Stillman: So you still love me? Joey: Yeah. Miss Stillman: And you're not really married? Joey: Well, I am, legally, but I can get an annulment! Miss Stillman: Oh, that's great! I love you, Joey! Come down to my house... I have a surprise for you... Joey: I can't. I have to go. Peck's making me go on a bunch of business trips. Miss Stillman: What? When will I see you? Joey: When Peck's done with me. Miss Stillman: So, you'll be away for a long time? Joey: Well... yes. Miss Stillman: [crying again] WAAAAAAAH!!! [ Joey hears Miss Stillman sniffle a few more times. ] Miss Stillman: Wait... we can work it out! Tell me when you're done, so we can go out! Joey: Uh huh. I'll see you soon! Bye! Miss Stillman: Goodbye, my precious snuggly-poo! [ Joey hangs up and shudders. ] Narrator: I swear, that woman LOVES pet names. At least she's not as creepy as Larva. Joey: Hey, Larva. Larva: [half-asleep] What? Joey: I have to go. I have a job to do for my boss. Larva: [half-asleep] Okay. Bye. Narrator: Well, that's one week out of the way! [ Joey walks out of the hotel room. ]
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NEXT: Part II and Rejection · Angry Englishman. · Bitter Chicagowoman. · Hospitable LA-dude.
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