Announcer (VO): And the Peckinpah team, David, Kari, Charlie, Robert and Tembi!

[ They run to their positions. ]

Announcer: It's time to play Production Family Feud! Here's your host: Louie Anderson!

[ Louie comes out to huge applause. ]

Louie: Thank you, thank you. Today we're going to settle a longtime grudge between the two key executive producers of the television show "Sliders." Tracy Tormé, the co-creator and true brains behind the operation, has brought his original cast with him. While David Peckinpah, his successor, has brought his own team of Sliders. Our contestants are ready. Let's play the feud!

[ Music plays again and Tracy and David join him at the podium. ]

Louie: Welcome to the game! Let's get right to it. 100 audience members surveyed, top 4 answers on the board. Name something you do with something you no longer have a use for.

[ David buzzes in. ]

David: Send it to a breeder camp!

[ Louie just stares at David with a horrified look. Kari jumps up and down clapping. ]

Kari: Woooooo! Good answer!!!

Louie: Uh...let me see 'send it to a breeder camp.'

[ X (Strike) ]

David: Damn! I knew I shoulda said head in a fish tank.

Sabrina: Take that you son of a --

[ Jerry covers Sabrina's mouth. ]

Louie: Tracy? For control of the board, name something you do with something you no longer have a use for.

Tracy: Pretend it doesn't exist anymore.

Louie: Survey says!

[ Ding! 4. Pretend it doesn't exist 12 ]

Louie: All right. Tracy's team has control. Sabrina, the #1 answer is still on the board.

Sabrina: Well, never say never is a good motto. How about storing it in the cellar just in case you're forced to use it again for lack of a better option?

[ Ding! 2. Store it and forget about it 28 ]

Louie: Second most popular response! OK, Jerry, your turn. What do you do with something you have no use for any longer?

Jerry: [laughs] I tell her I'll call her.

Louie: Survey says!

Jerry: No, wait... Louie, I was just joking...

[ Ding! 3. Tell her you'll call. 25 ]

Sabrina: Uh...good answer, Jerry...yeesh...

Charlie: [from other side] That's my bro!

Louie: Cleavant, you're up. Just the #1 answer remaining.

Cleavant: I think I have to go with the obvious, Louie. Why not just throw it away?

Team Tormé: [clapping] Good answer!

Louie: Let me see 'throw it away'!

[ X (Strike One) ]

Louie: Ooo. Sorry. John, name something you do with something you no longer have a use for.

John: Replace it with a younger model.

Louie: Is it 'replace with a younger model?'

[ Ding! Ding! Ding! 1. Replace with younger model 33. ]

Louie: And you've swept the board!

David: Boo! Boooooooooo!

Louie: Please, Mr. Peckinpah, show some class.

[ David sticks his tongue out at Louie. ]

Louie: [ignores him] OK, it's time for round 2!

[ Music plays. Sabrina and Kari run to the podium. ]

Kari: Bitch.

Sabrina: Whore.

Louie: Uh...heh-heh...OK ladies. Top 5 answers on the board. Name a way to get a promotion.

[ Jerry yells out: ]

Jerry: Hold out for more! Power play, baby!

[ Sabrina is distracted and Kari buzzes in. ]

Kari: Sleep with the producer!

[ Ding! Ding! Ding! 1. Sleep with the boss 42. ]

Louie: Kari, you've won control of the board.

Kari: [jumping up and down] All right! Wooooohoooo!

Louie: Charlie, 4 answers left, what do you say?

Charlie: I have to go with nepotism, Louie.

Louie: Show me nepotism!

[ Ding! 2. Nepotism 23 ]

Louie: Robert, top two answers already down.

Robert: Hmmmm...I'm gonna say...wait for more qualified people to leave and take their place.

Tembi: Good answer!

Louie: Survey says!

[ Ding! 3. By Default 17 ]

Louie: Wow! You guys really know this topic. Tembi, name a way of getting a promotion.

Tembi: Gee, I don't know. How about being attractive? That works, right?

David: Go with it!

Louie: Show me 'pretty face.'

[ Ding! 4. Better looking than co-workers 11 ]

Louie: David, your team is on a roll. Just one answer to go.

David: Damn, nepotism is gone. Default is out. Wow! This is going to be tricky! Hmmm.........

Louie: David? Uh...David?

David: .....

Louie: DAVID!

David: Huh?

Louie: Name a way of getting a promotion.

David: Uh.....oh, I got it! Bosses are just as dumb as you!

Louie: Is it 'nitwit boss?'

[ Ding! 5. Work for FOX 7 ]

Louie: I guess the judges thought the answers were synonymous.

[ Even Tormé's team had to nod their heads in agreement on that one. ]

Louie: OK, folks, we've got a great game going. We'll be back after these messages! Please stick around!

[ Canned applause and fade out. ]

Louie: Welcome back. Before we continue the feud, let's take a moment to meet our contestants. Tracy, you have recently been muscled out of yet another show.

Tracy: That's right, Louie. I don't even know why I [censored] bother anymore.

Louie: Heh, heh. Sabrina, what are you up to these days?

Sabrina: Oh, you know, shooting some pilots, counting the days to the next cancellation. That sort of thing.

Louie: Well, best of luck to you.

Sabrina: Bite me.

Louie: Next up we have Jerry O'Connell...

[ Screams from the audience. Jerry waves in appreciation. ]

Louie: ...the fat kid from "Stand By Me." Tell me, do you stay in touch with Wil Wheaton and Corey Feldman?

Jerry: Not really, no.

Louie: That's great. Cleavant, I hear you're not just a singer on TV, you also play one in real life.

Cleavant: Why yes, I have an album...

Louie: And finally, Mr. John Rhys-Davies of "Indiana Jones" fame. Will you quote a line for us from "Raiders of the Lost Ark?"

John: I most certainly will not!

Louie: All right! Let's meet the red team!

Kari: Woooooooo!!!

[ Louie walks over to David. ]

Louie: So David, what are you working on right now?

David: Well, I'm taking some time off to recharge the creative juices.

Louie: No one will hire you, eh?

David: Yep.

Louie: Kari, I see you've been doing some work with infomercials.

Kari: Hmm-mmm. I'm hawking my "Songs that Get Me in the Mood" CD.

Louie: I see you have Was Not Was's "Walk the Dinosaur" on this album.

Kari: Mmmm...

Louie: Moving right along, Charlie...

[ Screams from the audience. Charlie gives them the thumbs up. ]

Louie: It says here that you want to be just like your big brother Jerry.

Charlie: That's right, Louie. Hopefully I'll be the one playing jocks and jackasses in films for the next ten years.

Louie: Can't hardly wait.

Jerry: [interjects] Hey, that's my movie!

Louie: Robert, you're kind of nameless. What are you working on?

Robert: I'm starring in the "Liam Smith" show. You can visit us at www...

Louie: Hey, hey, no shameless promotions here! That's more of an S Network thing. And finally, Tembi Locke.

Tembi: Hi Louie.

Louie: So what's up with you?

Tembi: Commercials mostly. I'm dishpan hand sufferer #2.

Louie: Well, you never could tell.

Tembi: [blushes] Thank you.

Louie: I think that's enough filler for this installment, let's play the feud!

[ Music plays. Jerry and Charlie join Louie at the podium. ]

Louie: OK. Winner of this match goes on to play for the big money. Top 5 answers on the board. 100 people surveyed. Name something you do to increase ratings.

[ Charlie buzzes in. ]

Charlie: Special guest appearances by the siblings of famous people.

[ Ding! 3. The Frank Stallone factor 16 ]

Louie: Can you top that Jerry?

Jerry: I think I've been in this business long enough to know how to boost ratings. Take off your shirt.

Louie: Uh...Jerry...I'm flattered but...

Jerry: That's my answer, dumbass!

Louie: [relieved] Oh...survey says!

[ Ding! Ding! Ding! 1. JOC takes off shirt 46 ]

[ Cheering from Tracy's side. Louie comes over. ]

Louie: Cleavant, name a way to increase ratings.

Cleavant: I think a good cliffhanger boosts ratings. Particularly ones that are never resolved.

Nicholas Lea: [from audience] Damn straight!

Louie: Show me cliffhanger!

[ X (Strike One) ]

Louie: John, three answers on the board.

John: Let me see...oh! How about killing off a beloved character and replacing him with some talentless tart!

Louie: Survey says!

[ XX (Strike Two) ]

John: See Peckinpah! You see! No ratings boost there!

Louie: All right, Tracy. Two strikes against your team. You need to hit the board or David will have a chance to steal.

Tracy: And we all know how good David is at stealing things.

David: [interjects] It's called paying homage!

Louie: Three answers left. Name something you do to increase ratings.

Tracy: I know I should say something stupid like CGI dinosaurs, but I have to go with what I know is true. If you want good ratings, you need a compelling story.

Louie: Show me compelling story!

[ XXX (Strike Three) ]

Louie: I'm sorry Tracy, but you knew better than to take the high road. David, your production family will advance if they can name one thing that increases ratings. Let's see what your team has to say.

Tembi: CGI Dinosaurs!

Robert: CGI Scarabs!

Charlie: CGI Earthworms!

Kari: Full Frontal Nudity!

Louie: Well David, your team has plenty of suggestions. Will you listen to them or do something stupid like strike out on your own?

David: Louie, I'm going to go off on my own on this one. I see killer apes dressed up as Nazis...I have to go with it!

Louie: Survey says!

[ Ding! 2. Monkees = Ratings 21 ]

[ Music plays. Kari gives David a big kiss as the other three jump up and down. ]

Tracy: You have got to be [censored] kidding me!

Louie: Let's see the other answers.

[ Ding! ]

Louie and audience: CGI Dinosaurs

[ Ding! ]

Louie and audience: Albino snakes

Louie: Yup, you can't lose with those albino snakes.

Tracy: This is a total farce. Who did you poll?

Louie: The same focus groups the UPN network uses. I'm sorry, Tracy, looks like your team has ended up on the doo-doo end of the stick once again. But a few of you do have careers to return to and the rest will get a lovely copy of our home game!

[ Louie turns to the camera. ]

Louie: When we return, David's team will play for the big money! Don't go away!

[ Music plays and fade out. ]

Louie: We're back and ready to play for the big money. David, have you decided which members of your team will play?

David: Me and Kari. Like I'm going to trust that much cash to those other three twits.

Tracy: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black you [censored] [censored] [censored]!

[ Tracy is grabbed by some big men and dragged back off stage. ]

Louie: Heh heh. Lotta love here tonight. All right, who will start?

David: I'll go first.

Louie: Very good. Kari will now be escorted backstage.

Kari: But I wanna stay!

Louie: You need to go out back so you don't hear David's answers.

Kari: Well this is a stupid game!

[ Kari is led back kicking and pouting. ]

Louie: Ok, David. You will be asked 8 questions and you have 60 seconds to answer them. If you get stuck, you can pass. The object is to get 200 points between yourself and Kari. Are you ready?

David: I was born ready.

Louie: 100 people surveyed. Let's go. Name a sci-fi television show.

David: Um...gee...I should know this one...I wish "Sliders" wasn't action/adventure...hmmm...

Louie: You can pass if you're stuck...

David: ...

Louie: David?

David: …

Louie: DAVID!

David: Huh?

Louie: You've wasted thirty seconds! Name a sci-fi television show.

David: Oh! Uh...I always thought "Empty Nest" was pretty out there.

[ X ]

Louie: You're going to have to hurry now. Name a type of cancer.

David: Tracy's attitude!

[ X ]

Louie: Something you say to cover up a glaring discontinuity.

David: Who cares? It's a parallel world!

[ X ]

Louie: Name something you say to deflect blame.

David: It was FOX's idea! Not mine!

[ Ding! FOX's fault 3 ]

Louie: Name something you eat with a spoon.

David: Worm goo! No wait, no spoon there…damn!

[ X ]

Louie: Name something that arouses you.

David: Dead blondes! I mean…

[ Ding! Dead Blondes 1 ]

Louie: Something you do with an umbrella.

David: Pass.

Louie: Name something you find in a closet.

David: Kari?

[ X ]

[ Buzz! David's sixty seconds are up. ]

Louie: Well, David you got… 4 points. Four freaking points. That has got to be the most miserable score in the history of this show. And frankly, some of your answers were just downright frightening.

David: Thank you Louie. I am a groundbreaker after all.

Louie: Why don't you rejoin your team while we bring out Kari.

[ David heads back to his team where the other three are irritated. Charlie smacks David upside the head. ]

Robert: Nice going, David. Now we'll never get the money!

Tembi: [almost crying] I can't go back to doing commercials for Wisk…

[ Kari joins Louie. ]

Kari: Woooooo!

Louie: Your partner scored 4 points. You're going to need to come up with 196. Do you feel up to it?

Kari: Bring it on, Louie! Woooooooo!

Louie: Sixty seconds on the clock. Name a sci-fi television show.

Kari: Hmm…now what was that show they offered me a role in as a sex-starved robot?…oh yeah…Lexx!

[ Ding! Lexx 12 ]

Louie: Name a type of cancer.

Kari: Ooooo…icky. I like, so pass.

Louie: Something you say to cover up a glaring discontinuity.

Kari: Uh…um…er…

[ Ding! Uh…um…er… 56 ]

Louie: The number one answer! Name something you say to deflect blame.

Kari: I didn't know you were a cop!

[ Ding! Didn't know he was a cop 21 ]

Louie: Name something you eat with a spoon.

Kari: [giggles] Hee hee…woah I can't say THAT…

Louie: Well, say something…

Kari: How about…"pudding"?

[ Ding! Pudding 32 ]

Louie: Name something that arouses you.

Kari: [laughs] What's this show rated again?

Louie: General audience.

Kari: Then I think I'll stick with pudding again.

[ Ding! Pudding 27 ]

Louie: Something you do with an umbrella.

Kari: What is this? The Playboy channel?

Louie: Uh…I'd have thought this one would be obvious…

Kari: Well, yeah, but I can't say it! [giggles] Uh…lessee…how about using it in bad weather?

[ Ding! Bad weather 31 ]

Louie: I'll be damned! That wasn't the number one answer?!

Kari: Of course not, silly!

Louie: Next question. Name something you find in a closet.

Kari: Leather whip!

[ Ding! Leather whip 16 ]

[ Buzz! Kari is out of time. ]

Louie: Wow, that was a fantastic round! Your score was…195! Unfortunately the two-person total is only 199. I'm sorry.

Tembi: [starts to weep] Why, Lord, why?!!!

Louie: Take heart, Tembi. The five of you are still the defending champions and will have the opportunity to play again tomorrow!

Kari: [jumps up and down] Wooooooooo-hooooooooo!!!!!!

Louie: That's all for today. I'm Louie Anderson for Production Family Feud, saying so long!

[ Music plays. Kari continues jumping up and down. Jerry comes back out and he and Charlie go into the audience to sign autographs. In the process, both somehow lose their shirts. As the credits roll, we overhear David talking to Louie. ]

David: So you use the same exact set for every show too, huh?