D walks onto the set.

Spike
Hey man, good to see ya.

D
What's up, Spike? Specifically, what's the deal with the set?

The set now looks a bit more Gothy, like "Tonight Show with Leno" only in blacks and reds.

Spike
Needed some more redesigning. Anyway, wait 'til you see today's guest list. This is gonna be SO much fun!

D
Why does your enthusiasm scare me?

Faith
Because you still have a few bits of sanity remaining?

D
Yep, that would be it.

Buffy
Nice to see you all again. Now get on set before I lose my job.

D and Spike walk up onstage and take their seats.

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Hello and welcome to an all-new episode of DEAD with Spike and Hunter!

D
Spike is cheery, which is weird since he is only usually cheery AFTER he's killed someone.

Spike
Read the guest list.

Spike hands D the cards and D nearly cracks up laughing.

D
Ohhh, this is too much, today's guests...in an election special, we have Gore, Bush and Warren Christopher!

Spike
Oh, this is gonna be fun!!!

D
Normally I'd be overjoyed, but I doubt our presidential pardons would extend to killing his second in command.

Spike looks somber as if realizing this for the first time.

Spike (almost Cartman like)
G*DDAMMIT!!

D
We'll be back with Bush.

(Fade to black)

Faith
Back with Bush? Sounds like a porno movie sequel.

Spike
(cursing a blue lightyear) How the BLOODY HELL are we gonna get any ratings if no one dies!

D
Well, I guess we'll have to find a way. Besides, just cause we can't kill 'em doesn't mean we can't make their stay unpleasant.

Spike
We can give them nightmares that'll last longer than the recount.

D
Exactly!

D and Spike walk off to plot painful days for the candidates and the aide.

As is usual they return just in time to take their seats.

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

D
Welcome back to DEAD with Spike and me, HunterD.

Spike
Although we realized that killing the presidential candidates would result in our deaths and the cancellation of our show, we promise you that their stay will NOT be pleasant.

D
So let's welcome the first of the Famous Frontrunning Fools...

Spike (interrupting)
You've been taking notes from Dr. Smith on Lost in Space again haven't you?

D simply glares at Spike.

D
Al Bore...I mean Gore.

Spike (under his proverbial breath)
Got it right the first time.

"Hail to the Chief" plays as Gore walks out.

D
Hail to the Chief? Aren't you being a tad presumptuous?

Gore
Not at all! It's clear I won the popular vote; ergo, I was the people's choice.

Spike
Is he ripping off the Rock?

D
No, Rock is the people's champion.

Gore
Ah, wrestling references. You know, I love wrestling.

Spike
Really? Then how come you chickened out of the Smackdown Debates?

Gore (changing subject)
You know, I was wanting to hear your opinion on those ridiculous Florida ballots.

Spike
Honestly? I think if you're too stupid to read the ballot before you vote, you should be shot.

Gore
Funny, what's your name again? Mr. Bloody?

Spike game faces and grabs Gore. About seven Secret Service guys try to pull him off... but fail.

D
You can't kill him, remember!?!

Both Spike and the Secret Service guys look up in embarrassment, unsure of who's being addressed. Spike lets go of Gore, and the secret service guys slink off.

Spike
Call me William or Bloody or Bill or anything like that and I'll make you wish I'd killed you.

Gore
That's a threat. I want him arrested!

The Secret Service guys start in... but Spike game faces again and they scatter like roaches when the light comes on.

Spike
Let's get this over with before I do something Al will regret.

D
Fine by me, I want to move onto Bush's torture anyway.

In comes a line of fifty or so lawyers, each of whom hands an envelope to Al.

Gore
What is this?!?

D
Lawsuits from actual inventors whose items you've taken credit for.

Spike
Oh, not to mention... THIS!

Spike pulls out a big bag and dumps it over Al's head. Swarms of insects run over him as he flees, shrieking.

Faith runs on from the other side, screaming even louder.

Faith
Did you just unleash TERMITES on a mostly WOODEN set?!

Buffy
I swear this is coming out of YOUR paycheck.

D
Relax.

Spike
We're not that bloody stupid; they were army ants. I trained them to think of Al as an invader. He'll live but it'll hurt like hell!

D
And that's only the beginning! Come back to see Bush and Warren Christopher!

(Fade to commercial)

D
Wow, that WAS fun.

Spike
Maybe this torment instead of death IS a fun change of pace... but I still plan on killing someone next show.

D
Depends on who it is. Now let's go make sure that all's prepared for Bush!

As usual they return just in time for commercial's end.

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Welcome back to DEAD with Spike and Hunter.

D
In case you missed it, Gore was sued by a number of inventors, and then Spike dumped a bag of insects on him.

Spike
And now it's time for Daddy's Drunken Dimwit, George W. Bush.

"Hail to the Chief" plays as Bush enters.

D
If that plays when Christopher comes out, I'm gonna go nuts.

Spike
You know Bush, I have to admit I support your campaign.

Bush
Really? I'm surprised, I'm shocked you would like me.

D
He doesn't like you, he just wants to make jokes about it being Dick and Bush in the White House.

Bush (as if it's dawning on him for the first time)
HA HA HA!! That's a good one!

D
So, G.W. - we wanted to check something.

Spike
Spell Yugoslavia!

GW
Is this a joke?

D
No, spell Yugoslavia.

GW
Uhh, Y-O-U-G-O-S-L-A-V-I-A.

Spike
WRONG!

D
Spell Arafat.

GW
Uhh, um. A-I-R-A-F-A-T?

Spike
Strike Two!

D
Spell POTATO!

GW
That's easy, P-O-T-A-T-O-E!

D grabs Bush's head and pulls. A mask comes off to reveal... Dan Quayle!

Quayle
DAMN IT! Well, I might have been exposed, but I can still try this again next election!

D
I knew that stupidity was familiar!

Quayle
Well, uncle George will still get me elected one day, one way! You'll see, you'll all see!!! YOU ASSH**ES!!

Spike
Oh damn it, I think we just did a public service.

D
Don't look at it as being a public service, look on it as tormenting an ex-vice president... in fact, two VPs in one night.

Spike
Thanks, I feel better. We'll be back with Warren Christopher.

D
Uh, actually we're almost out of time, better bring him out now.

Warren walks out to Metallica's "Call of Cthulhu."

D arches an eyebrow in amazement and mouths "Metallica?"

Warren
Hey Spike, long time no see.

Spike
Good to see you too, Orlok. It's about time you quit this stupid mortal day job.

D
Wait, Warren Christopher is Count Orlok? The Nosferatu?

Spike
You're surprised?

D
Not really, I had noticed the resemblance. But we're out of time; see you all next time in a hopefully Election-Free DEAD with Spike and Hunter!

(Fade to black)

D
A political vampire... I love it.

Warren Orlok
Hey, great to be on the show. Spike, what say we go out and maim a few Secret Service guys?

Spike
Sounds like fun.

Spike and Orlok walk off.

D
Hey Faith, remind me to ask for pre-show guest lists from now on.

Faith
Sure thing.

D grabs his leather jacket and leaves the studio.