A TV studio buzzes with the usual people as the two figures walk out to the set. The set looks like a mix of "Politically Incorrect" and "Regis and Kathie Lee."

D
So, the show's back. What happened again?

Spike
I heard the network got some people bitching about our show being "too violent" and talked some of our sponsors into pulling.

D
Oh yeah... Parents' Television Council or somesuch?

Spike
Yeah. Oh, and Willow cast a spell that accidentally unkilled all our previous guests. Oh well, second time's the charm... I hope.

Faith, Buffy and Stoker_chick enter and walk up to D and Spike.

Faith
Guess who the new security team is?

Spike
BLOODY HELL!!!

Buffy
I think Hell is outlawed by the PTC's contract allowing you back on the air.

Spike
You're kidding, I can't even say Hell...the bloody BIBLE says Hell!

Stoker
Well, I hate to enforce any laws and order, but I really needed a paycheck.

D
I understand... but I think the show is starting. We'll all have to talk later.

D and Spike take their seats.

Cameraman
We're on in 5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Hello and welcome to Dead with Spike and Hunter.

Buffy
Uh, we can't say dead anymore, PTC bylaws.

D
WHAT? What dumb Roody Poo came u-

Faith
I think Roody Poo's outlawed too, D.

Spike growls.

D
Welcome to Living Impared with Spike and Hunter...

Spike
I swear...

Stoker
Swearing is...

Spike
I GET THE IDEA!!!! I take an oath that something unpleasant will happen by the end of this program... even if it's just me and D killing ourselves since this stupid PTC doesn't believe in the first f**king AMENDMENT!!!

D
Well, I can't wait to see their reaction to that... anyway our guests today are... Jerry O'Connell, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and L. Brent Bozell...the chairman of PTC.

Spike
Ohhh, this may be a good day after all.

D
We'll be back after these messages.

(Fade to commercial)

Faith
Well, I think combined the two of you broke about ten laws in our new contract.

D
I don't care, there HAS to be a way out of this!

Spike
Yeah, there is a loophole in every contract.

Stoker
Not this... it looks pretty airtight. It even says that if there is 'one drop of blood' on the set, you automatically concede your souls to Satan.

Spike
Well, I don't have one.

D
But I do! Damn, there has to be some way out of this.

Faith
Well it says here if that "Brent" guy dies, and the PTC disbands, you're free and clear... but you can't kill him on the show, guys. If you are convicted of his death, you get killed.

D
We have presidential pardons. Clinton loves the show.

Faith
Not anymore. He loves the show, sure, but if he pardons you two he could be assassinated by the right-wingers who support PTC. You're screwed.

D
Well Brent comes out first right?

Stoker
Yeah, he wants to inspect the show.

Spike
Let's plan.

Buffy
Sorry, the two of you aren't to be outside our sight at any time during the show.

D
Can we whisper to each other?

Faith
Well, I don't think that falls under their laws, so long as you don't sound romantic doing it.

D and Spike glare at her, then walk back up the set and whisper. Spike summons one of the lackey vampires around and whispers to him. The lackey vamp walks off.

Cameraman
And we're back in 5... 4... 3... 2...

D
Welcome back to Dea...I mean "Living Impaired" with Spike and D. I'm D.

Spike
We now welcome the man trying to RUIN OUR SHOW...Brent Bozell.

Out comes Brent Bozell, typically dressed in a suit with a stupid looking beard.

D
I'd say it's nice to have you here... but for some reason I think lying is outlawed in your little contract.

Brent
Very cute Mr. D, but I've researched you and your history. I mean, several threats of intense bodily harm to a pair of brothers called the "O'Connells" and a lot of threats to a group called "Jocnatics"... you sir are an extremely violent man.

D
If I'm so violent, why are you still breathing?

Brent
I believe that falls under intimidation, which is outlawed by our new contract.

D (obviously trying to keep from separating Brent from his intestines)
What exactly is our incentive to follow your contract?

Brent
Well, we'll kill you if you kill me... and there's also the whole soul selling thing... and plus, a fine of 10 million dollars for every time you break a rule.

Spike
WHAT THE BLOODY F***ING HELL!!!

Brent
Yelling, "bloody," and two curse words...that's 40 million dollars right there.

Spike
SON OF A

D
SHHhhhhh

Lackey Vamp (offscreen)
They're here!

D
About time, did they do like we asked?

Lackey Vamp
Yeah.

D
It is now my pleasure to introduce a man I have come to steal catchphrases from all the time. Dwayne Johnson...AKA THE ROCK!!!

The Rock enters and starts beating Bozell into a bloody pulp, while D and Spike just sit back and watch. The Rock takes care to knock Bozell off the set before the blood starts pouring.

D
And now our special live-via-satellite presentation... WWF visits PTC headquarters!!!

Triple H of WWF is outside the place yelling "SUCK IT!" Then he yells "Time to fire my cannon," steps on a tank, yells "Suck it" again and the cannon fires...blowing up the PTC building.

D
PTC is DEAD, and we'll be back in about two minutes after these messages, with DEAD with Spike and Hunter!!!

(Fade to commercial)

Faith
Smart move having the wrestlers do your work for you.

Spike
Actually D's idea. He likes wrestling.

D
Yeah, it was too ironic to pass up. So we are free and clear?

Stoker
Yeah, this contract is done.

Spike and D grab the contract and rip in into shreds.

Spike
Now to go and plan the musical guests' doom.

D
Wait up, you can do what you wish with Nick, but hands off Jessica.

Spike
Don't tell me you like her music?

D
No I don't, but: we need to stay off the 100% mortality rate, she's... OK looking, and a fellow Southerner.

Spike
Fine, she's off limits...now how to kill the guy.

Spike walks off, and returns a few moments before the show comes back on.

Cameraguy
5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Welcome back to Dead with Spike and Hunter.

D
For those who missed it the WWF just freed us from our imprisonment by the PTC.

Spike
Remind me to buy their PPV, Fully Loaded, July 23rd.

D
Did you just plug them?

Spike
Least I could do.

D
Fine. Anyway, here are our musical guests, Jessica Simpson and... what's his name.

Buffy (offscreen)
NICK LACHEY!

D
What she said.

Jessica starts off whatever the song is she and Nick sing together, but then gets somewhat perturbed when Nick doesn't enter.

Jessica
OK, I've seen the show, and it is funny... but where is Nick?

D
Well, be glad I talked Spike out of killing you... but Nick was beyond my reach.

Jessica
Where is he?

D
Well, you know that Ferrari he had?

Jessica
You didn't run him over did you?

Spike
I AM MORE ORIGINAL THAN THAT!

D
Come on, I'll show you.

D, Spike and Jessica walk outside, followed by cameras...we find Nick in his car, with all the windows rolled up and him slumped inside.

Spike
I did that to him last night when he showed up for the rehearsals. Some combo of dehydration and heatstroke killed him about noon.

Jessica
OH MY GOD... YOU KILLED NICK, YOU BASTARD!!! (sobs)

(Fade to commercial)

Jessica stops crying on a dime as soon as the cameras stop.

Jessica (babbling)
Jeez, I was going to break up with him, I didn't want him dead, but he was a real jerk... can you believe he was screwing his fangirls since I wouldn't do anything with him?

D
I'm not surprised. Anyway me and Spike have to go plan for JOC's death.

The two walk off chatting in a secretive manner, and then return to the set, shortly before showtime.

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Welcome back to Dead with Spike and Hunter. So far today we've killed the entire PTC to free us from our contract with them...

D
Well technically the WWF did it for us, but we had the idea. Anyway, then we destroyed 98 Degrees, the forgotten boy band, by sticking Nick Lachey in a car with no air conditioning, when it was... 98 degrees outside.

Spike
With a heat index of 105!

D
And our final guest on the re-emergence of DEAD with Spike and Hunter, Mr. Jerry O'CONNELL!!!

Spike
D's gonna enjoy this!

Jerry walks out with some kind of cord attached to the back of his head.

D
Hello Jerry, now can you please tell us of your career, starting with your role as "the fat kid" in Stand by Me.

JOC
Well, I wasn't fat...I was chubby, and that was the start of some great things to come. See, after that I did this series called My Secret Identity...

As JOC continues, with D and Spike turning around and watching the X-Men movie on a screen, JOC continues, not noticing NO ONE is paying attention. His head is LITERALLY growing bigger and bigger as he continues... by the time he reaches "Got my wonderful brother a job on the show" it is as big as his chest... by the time he reaches "and then M2M was a huge success" his head is bigger than the rest of his body.

D
See Jerry, to mock your own ego growing as you have been talking, we've been pumping your head up with hot air... literally. Now, we're about to have some fun.

D and Spike grab Jerry and take him outside the studio and let him go... as his hot air-filled head carries him higher and higher, until his head finally pops... raining down what little gray matter he had on the city. D and Spike smile.

D
Our work today is done.

Spike
We rid the world of the nuisances of the Nazi-like Parents' Television Council.

D
We rid the world of the egocentric A-hole Jerry O'Connell.

Spike
And we rid the world of yet another untalented boy band member.

D
So be sure to tune in next week when we destroy some more 'innocent' victims for your enjoyment. See you next time on...

Spike and D
DEAD with Spike and Hunter!