Buffy
Almost time. Are you sure about this?

D
Trust us, the special 100% mortality ep will get the highest ratings EVER!

Spike
Yeah, TONS of people want to see these three die.

Buffy
I just feel like I should be stopping this.

D
Yeah, well I think our security force can make sure you couldn't stop us anyway.

Buffy looks off to the side and sees all the members of the Six (save Hunter) brandishing weapons.

D and Spike take their places on stage.

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Welcome to Dead with Spike and Hunter, where today is our 100% mortality rate special.

D
Our guests today are RandomJudgement, Silverguy, and a special surprise guest.

Spike
Bloody Hell, stay tuned this is gonna be great.

(Fade to commercial)

Spike
Time to plot some death.

D
The fun truly begins.

The two of them converse briefly with the rest of the Six and then go off to put the plans into action. They return shortly before the break is over.

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Welcome back to the All Mortality episode. Let's get straight to the mayhem.

D
Here is the first of today's unlucky three, Silverguy.

Silverguy walks out.

SG
wtz up evrybdy. Slverguy is in da huose

Spike
And I thought the Irish were hard to understand?

D
Even if he spoke perfect English it still wouldnt make any sense.

Spike
Good point.

Silverguy
Wht Da Fck R U tlking abt.

Spike
That Klly gal without the vowels is easier to understand!

D
Yep.

Silverguy
fck U, U R so gay, U R just as

Spike punches Silverguy. Silverguy is KOd.

Spike
Bloody Hell. Big mouth, glass jaw.

D
Well might as well set it up.

Spike
Yeah.

TF and SpaceTime step on stage and pull open the curtain behind D and Spike. It opens to a dungeon setting with a "rack."

They all chain Silverguy to the rack thing and D and Spike pull a lever.

D
This is inspired by the great Edgar Allan Poe's "Pit and the Pendulum"...a pendulum is high above this table, and gets closer with each swing. According to our math it will cut him in half just in time for the end of the show...and don't worry, these are solid steel chains so he won't be going anywhere.

Spike
Well, we'd best go to commercial for our next guest's setup.

(Fade to commercial)

Spike and D walk off to plot the death of RandomJudgement, and once again return just in time for the commercials to end.

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

D
Welcome back, that still KO'd idiot in the back is Silverguy, and up next is our second guest... RandomJudgement.

RandomJudgement walks out, wearing a T-Shirt with the word "Enigma" on it. As D laughs, RJ looks down and we see him mouth the words "Oh sh*t, forgot to change." He runs to the back and returns moments later in judge's robes.

RJ
Hear ye, hear ye, court is in session! I hereby accuse HunterD and Spike of a Murder Most Foul. They killed the greatest man in the history of this fine world, Exec, and therefore I sentence thee to death.

Spike
Nice try idiot. We have presidential pardons.

D
Hey, you can gripe about Clinton's moral life all you want, but anyone who allows us to kill as many guests as we wish is A-OK by us.

Spike
Anyway, we have something special for you.

D and Spike grab RJ and escort him elsewhere on the set, an area made to look like a courtroom. With the aforementioned jury in their seats, Hunter takes the prosecution table while Spike sets RJ in the defendant's chair. EPT is dressed as a bailiff.

EPT
All rise for the honorable judge TemporalFlux.

TF walks out in a judge's robe of his own and takes his seat.

TF
Is there a counselor for the defendant?

Spike
Oh yeah!

Spike reaches into a box and pulls out a small rice sized object...and a even smaller object that glitters.

TF
What are those?

Spike
Exec's heart and brain, respectively.

TF
Why does his brain glitter?

D
Aftereffect of the nanotechs.

TF
OK, the prosecution may state its case.

HunterD stands up.

D
He's an idiot who dissed you, me, S, Info, many others... and likes Exec.

TF
Does the defense has anything to say?

Spike (hiding his mouth beneath his hand and mocking Exec's voice)
No.

TF
Jury, you may deliberate.

The jury files into the deliberation chamber. The very moment the door closes behind them, it opens again and they file out in the same order they entered.

TF
Have you reached a verdict?

QBall79 (foreman)
Guilty as charged, and we recommend he be punished to the full extent of the law.

TF
Carry out the punishment.

The floor beneath RJ collapses as he falls into a huge pit of fire.

Spike
Now THAT is what I call "flaming."

D
We'll be right back with the surprise guest and the death of Silverguy.

(voice from offscreen)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

D
Sounds like he will be awake for it too.

(Fade to commercial)

Once again D and Spike go off to plot the surprise guest's death, while "the Five" gag Silverguy.

As usual Spike and D return just before the commercial's end.

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Welcome back. One down, two to go.

D
And now for our special surprise guest.....KEITH DAMRON!!!!

Keith waddles out...he must weigh about 500 pounds.

Spike
Uhhh, what were you doing before you came out here?

Keith
Eating lunch?

D
Wait, I saw you when I got here four hours ago... you were eating lunch then!

Keith
What's ya point?

Spike
Let's get this over with before he farts and take out the pendulum.

D
Good idea.

Spike & D walk offscreen as several tons of food fall on Keith...killing him.

Spike
We needed at least one "fall on" death.

D
Yeah, the equivalent of all the S4 & 5 lunches.

Spike
Well, it's about time.

D
Yeah?

They walk over to the pendulum and see it slowly cut Silverguy, then a little deeper... and after about 10 swipes it's still not even an inch deep. Silverguy whimpers slightly.

Spike
Bloody Hell, let's get this over with.

Spike yanks down on the pendulum, cutting Silverguy in half.

Spike
Well, that's all folks.

D
See you later!