Buffy is walking around frantically.

Spike
What is your problem?

Buffy
Angel got some idiot messing him up with holy water... now we don't have a co-host.

Spike
Wait a second, I'll get someone.

Buffy waits. After a few seconds, Spike returns with HunterD in tow.

Buffy
Who is he?

Spike
HunterD. A vampire hunter. He's cool, and as you wish, will probably try to keep me from killing the guests. He likes that show we have people from on today, so...

Buffy
Fine. Quick, it's almost time! Get on stage!

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Hi, welcome to "Dead with Spike and Angel." Angel got messed up with holy water so our replacement host is Hunter here - just call him D.

D
Uh, Hi.

Spike
We're supposed to get right to our first guest tonight. As usual, a musical guest... here is Cleavant Derricks.

Cleavant steps out and starts singing "Remmy's Slide."

As he is about halfway through the song Hunter notices a giant slide (like from a playground) above Cleavant. It has been sharpened to razor thin. As it starts to fall Hunter throws his sword, knocking it off course and missing Cleavant.

Hunter
Cleavant, you'd best get out of here.

Spike (obviously upset)
Hey, I ALWAYS get to kill the musical guest!

Hunter
Only when it's POP singers... Cleavant is off limits.

Spike
Listen, Hunter boy....

D
Hey, we still have two guests tonight.

Spike
Good point, I guess I'll have to have my fun with them.

(fade to commercial)

Buffy walks up.

Buffy
Thanks for saving Cleavant; I'm trying to get him to kill less guests. But Spike, I am warning you, don't you DARE touch Jerry.

Spike
Hey, I agreed no 100% mortality rate... but Cleavant survived, so Jerry is mine.

Buffy
No way, I like him. You kill him, I stake you.

Spike
Like to see you try.

Before Spike knows what hit him he is on the ground with Buffy holding a stake over his heart.

Buffy
Now like I said, NO KILLING JERRY! Promise, Spike?

Spike (obviously pissed)
I promise! Now get off me, Slayer!

Buffy (turning to Hunter)
Do me a favor and make sure he doesn't go anywhere...he's usually planning to kill someone when he does that.

D
Fine.

The two sit on the stage waiting for the commercial break to end.

Cameraman
5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Welcome back to Dead with Spike, and today's special guest host D.

D
Hi.

Spike
In case you missed it, D just saved one guest's life, and now that Slayer bit- says I can't kill another one. So let's bring out the only one I can kill, ex-producer of Sliders,

D
and all around idiot who ruins good shows, David Peckerpuke.

Peck walks out.

David (oblivious to D's dislike)
Uh, actually, that's pronounced "Peckinpah," not "Peckerpuke." No hard feelings, it's a common mistake for some reason.

D
To quote Spike "I'll call you what the bloody hell I want to call you. You wanker."

Spike
Whoah, hostile aren't you?

D
If this guy took over this show and ruined it you'd hate him too.

Spike
Well, so basically he did to Sliders what Buffy is trying to do to my show?

D
Yep.

Spike
Bloody Hell, what did you have against the show's fans?

David
I wrote great stuff, I took the show to new heights. I made great homages to Lost Boys and Nightmare on Elm Street.

Spike
Hmmm, honestly now? Actually, Hunter showed me one of those homages.

David
Really! I hope you liked it. It's rare when genius such as mine is recognized.

Spike
I'll be back, just a sec... I have a gift for you.

Spike walks offstage while D and Peck sit in silence.

Out of nowhere Spike returns on a motorcycle and drives a stake through Peck's heart.

Spike
NO VAMPIRE IS STUPID ENOUGH TO RUN AT POINTY WOODEN OBJECTS!!!! Bloody Hell, I hate it when these people make us look THAT stupid!!!

D (with a smirk on his face)
I think we have to go to commercial.

(fade to commercial)

Buffy
That was...different.

Spike
Had to do that plan in a hurry. I wasn't planning on killing him till I saw that ending to Stoker.

D
Well, I figured it would tick you off. And I don't like him, so he was fair game.

Buffy
Good, now... (grabs Spike) Remember, kill Jerry and I kill you, GOT IT?

Spike
(pissed yet afraid) I got it.

D walks off. After a few minutes he returns.

Spike
Where were you?

D (with an odd look on his face)
Just looking around.

Spike
Whatever.

Cameraman
We're back in 5... 4... 3... 2...

Spike
Welcome back to Dead with Spike and Angel, sadly the poofwad got hit with holy water so Hunter here is taking his spot.

D (unusually perky)
Hello everyone!

Spike
Uhh, here's our next guest, star of such horrible films as Body Shots, and the guy who hates Sliders fans everywhere... Jerry O'Connell.

The camera cuts to the entrance but JOC does not come out.

Spike
I said HERE IS JERRY!

Once again no one comes out.

Buffy (walking onstage)
SPIKE! What did you do to Jerry?!?

Spike
Nothing! I was with you the whole time.

Some measly assistant comes over to Buffy.

Measly guy
Miss Summers, Jerry says he won't appear on the show unless his brother does too.

Spike
WHAT, he won't appear on the highest rated show ever unless his brother does too?!

Measly guy
Yeah.

Spike
Bloody hell!

Buffy
Fine, just get them out here.

Spike
What an egomaniac.

D
Just the tip of the iceberg.

Jerry and Charlie come onstage.

Jerry
Before I do the interview, my brother has a song he wants to sing.

D (under his breath)
Well, his singing can't be worse than yours.

Charlie gets up on the musical guest stage and starts singing "WAAATCH MMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE RRrrrrrrRRRRRuuuUUUUUUUUuNNNNNNnnnnnNNNNN..."

After the song Charlie gets back onstage.

Now when the camera is back suddenly the floor gives way and JOC falls into a huge bin of roaches which proceed to eat him.

Spike
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!

Buffy runs towards Spike but D catches her.

Buffy
I SAID NO KILLING JERRY!!!

Spike
I didn't, I swear!

Buffy
YEAH RIGHT!

D
He didn't. I did, he deserved it. And anyone who saw "Joe's Apartment" agrees.

Spike
YOU!

D
Yeah, that reminds me.

D walks up to Charlie, who is still standing there with a stupid look on his face and plucks a few of Charlie's hairs. D reaches into his pocket and attaches the hairs to a little doll. He then proceeds to pull out a pin and stab the doll in the leg.

Charlie (grabbing leg)
OWWWW!!!

Hunter then stabs the doll through the head.

Charlie just stands there as his head bleeds.

Buffy
Shouldn't that have killed him?

Spike
Well, maybe he really is as brainless as Hunter says.

Hunter grabs the doll by the neck and twists, we hear a SNAP and then Charlie falls to the floor.

D
Death by Magic.

Spike
Well, guess that's our show for today. Good night everyone.

(fade out)

Spike
Well, I sadly only got to kill one today, but we still have a 2-to-1 dead guest ratio.

D
Well, she said YOU couldn't kill Jerry, not me.

Spike
Yeah, but anyone who knows you saw that loophole coming a mile away.

D
True, but they didn't see roaches eating him coming.

Spike
Good point. Next time Angel's sick, I'll call you for fill in.

D
Thanks... what about poor Buffy?

Spike
She'll be fine, not the first time someone she liked died.

D
I meant the poor fact that she liked the wanker.

Spike
Well, some people are beyond help. See ya.

D
Bye.