Thorns in the Flesh
Episode: B10	By: Recall317	Date: 6/14/04	URL: 545/4068065
STANDARD WARNING NOTE: This story works much better if you envision it as one of those three minute morality plays that used to appear on NBC Saturday mornings. You know, like when the kid steals some change from his mom’s purse and her car breaks down? And when she tries to call for help, she can’t because she can’t use the pay phone, and the police find her body halfway down the Hudson the next day? Yeah, it's kind of like that. Only with profanity. "Has anyone ever told you have a nice coat?" "No," HunterD_Raven replied. "I'm not surprised." Hunter glared at the punk. "That's it. I don't know who you are or what your fascination is with me, but one more comment like that and I'm going to widen that space between your front teeth." "Go ahead. Take your best shot!" the kid said, holding his arms wide open. Hunter drew his fist back, only to have it caught by TemporalFlux. "Not a good idea," he said. "We just landed on this world and we don't know what the rules are. This could be another crazy lawyer world and he's just baiting you." "You should listen to your friend," the heckler grinned. "He's a lot smarter than you are." Hunter bristled. "All this guy has done is ride me since we arrived. I don't even know who this prick is!" “Forget him, let’s just keep moving,” TF said. Undaunted, the kid continued walking a half-pace behind the group as they moved down the street. "Is there something we can do for you, Clyde?" Brand_S asked. "No, no, you two guys and Mr. Z. Cavaricci here should just go about their business and I'll go about mine." "Then go already!" Hunter said, making sure the hilt of his weapon was made visible. "Hey, hey, I'm just a man walking down the street. Surely I have just as much a right to the streets as you." He turned to TF. "Your friend here as a little temper problem. In your shoes, I'd bring him in to see a psychiatrist of some sort. There's no shame in therapy." "Let's lose this guy," S said. "It's too soon in the slide to be dealing with this." "Plan A?" TF asked. "Plan A." The two gave each other a quick nod and broke into a sprint, Hunter immediately following. "I'll be seeing you!" he yelled after them. "And woah, check out the form on the last guy!" When they'd gone a few blocks, the three slowed up and returned to a walking pace. Hunter was still pissed. "Not five friggin' minutes on this planet and I've already got a fan." "Relax. It's just some punk kid. Kind of reminded me of you," S said with a smile. “Damn, all this running has made me hungry. Let’s grab some dinner.” S’s idea of dinner was Burger Kaiser, home of the ÜberVopper. “Different name, same flame-broiled goodness,” he said, munching into DasBurger. “Flaming. Just like your pal.” Hunter’s friend was back! “I don’t believe this,” Hunter said. “Neither do I. How did he track us?” TF asked. “I just followed the smell.” Ignoring TF’s earlier warning, Hunter rose and threw a haymaker at his harasser, but there was nothing there to hit. His fist sailed right through the guy sending Hunter tumbling over the stool. “He’s a hologram,” TF said, waving his hand through the punk. “Hey, that tickles,” the guy smirked. “Neat,” S mumbled through his food. “They musht have shome kick ath tech on thish worl.” “And they use it to be a pain in my ass,” said Hunter, returning to his feet. “Don’t blame me about your ass pain. Talk to your boyfriend.” S chuckled. “Man, this guy’s quick.” He went to take another bite out of his burger only to have Hunter slap it away from him. “Him, I can’t touch. You, I can. So just keep quiet.” “I’m getting the manager,” TF said. The manager was a broken man in his mid-forties, his soul crushed by the neglect of those above him and the indifference of those below. Though genuinely sympathetic to TemporalFlux’s situation, he gently explained that there was nothing he could do. “Before the holograms,” he said, “they’d come in and sit down for hours slowly working through one order of fries, all the while harassing customers, making a mess, and filling out phony comment cards. I actually prefer them as non-corporeal.” “But this guy’s not a paying customer. Can’t you do something?” “Do what? If I called the police, they couldn’t arrest him. Assuming it’s a him. That’s just an icon over there. God knows who’s really at the other end of the line.” The manager gave a resigned sigh. “The best you can do is ignore him. If he gets no reaction, eventually he’ll go away.” “That’s your answer? Ignore the problem?” “I’ve been doing it for over a decade,” he said as a grill caught on fire from the inattention of one of his employees. He hummed to himself as he wandered toward the backroom. TemporalFlux was greeted by a strange sight when he made his way back to the table-two Hunters. Well, one very poorly rendered Hunter hence known as hUnTEr1. “I love pop music! I have posters of Erasure on my wall!” “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!” Hunter growled as his computer generated double donned Capri pants. “You’re just feeding into it, D,” S laughed. He turned to the double. “Now do Hunter as Clay Aiken!” “We’re leaving,” TF said, gathering up the timer. “Hunter, just forget him, all right? And you, why don’t you get a life? It’s Saturday night. You gotta have something better to do than follow us all night long.” “Who says I’m all alone?” hUnTEr1 said. Another image appeared, this one very familiar to the sliders. "Is that Eminem?" TF asked. "U R GAY," he told TF. "Sounds like Eminem," S said. “MY COC IS HUGH!” “YOU SUCK HEHE HE!” “So any1 watch 2FAST2fuREIOS? YOU SUC! LOOSER!” “I like the other guy better,” TF said as hUnTEr1 donned an eye patch and started flailing about with a wooden sword. And so it went on. hUnTEr1 continued his prodding of Hunter while his less articulate friend annoyed TemporalFlux. After an hour of this, the two finally took a break for reasons unknown, leaving the three to work out a course of action. “I’ve got it worse,” TF complained to Hunter. “At least your guy is generating brainwaves. My guy just keeps screaming non sequiturs.” “Cowardly fucks,” Hunter raged. “We’ve met plenty of douchebags in our time, but at least they had the guts to declare themselves openly, not hide behind an icon.” “I bet the range on these holograms isn’t that great. Odds are they’re somewhere nearby,” S said. “If so, maybe there is a way to hunt them down. The Burger Kaiser manager said something about never knowing what’s on the other end of the line. Maybe they’re just jacked into a modem somewhere and we can figure out their IP address,” TF said. “S?” “Probable,” Brand_S replied. “But do you think they’d be so stupid as to not shield their true location?” “Have you been listening to these guys?” Hunter asked. “What’s it matter?” S shrugged. “They’re just a bunch of twits. We’ll be outta here soon enough.” “True, but before that happens, we’re all gonna need to hit the can. Need I really say more?” S got a determined look on his face. “Okay, bitches. Play time is over.” The computer trail led them to the math and science building of the local college. The three huddled at the entrance. "Everything in place?" Hunter asked S. "The table is set," S affirmed. "You're the best, S!" TemporalFlux proclaimed. "No one comes up with cooler plans than you." "You are my God," Hunter said, taking a slight bow. "You worship idiots? Figures." The three turned to see their two antagonists. "ITS CUASE THEIR GAY," Eminem screamed. "Christ, I know he's just talking, but it even sounds misspelled," Hunter grunted. "Do you guys have anything better than gay jokes? Cause Hunter here has heard them all before," S said. "I'm sure his father is a witty man," hUnTEr1 replied. Hunter stepped toward him. "You think you can take me?" hUnTEr1 chuckled. "I'd run rough all over you." "Let's find out." And Hunter vanished. Brand_S, seated alone at a campus library computer, closed out the window labeled HUNTER with a little flourish. His only regret was he wouldn't be there to see it live. "WERE D HE GO" Eminem sorta asked. "Right here." The door to the computer lab kicked open as Hunter strode in, sword drawn. TF followed him in, shutting the door. Seated at two computers in the lab were two very scared freshmen. "Dickhead, and his pal, shithead, I presume," Hunter said, marching toward them. Neither moved. "Hey, we were just playing around," the fat ass known as hUnTEr1 said weakly. His idiot pal, a short kid with a very vacant expression on his face said nothing. "I like playing," Hunter said. "TF, guard the door." "You got it." In a computer lab on a Saturday night, no one can hear you scream. But that didn't stop them from trying. "Is everything cool?" S asked, once the three were back together. "Oh yeah. I don't think anyone will be getting any trouble from those guys for awhile. They promised me as much," Hunter said. "Man, what did you do to them?" "Let me put it this way. While I'm pretty sure neither of them had ever been with a woman, they weren't yet prepared to abandon all hope of it happening," Hunter said, with a little tap to his hilt. "The moral of the story is that no matter how good technology gets, you're never truly anonymous," TF concluded. "So take care how you behave." Hunter added, "Or pray the guy on the other end of the line doesn't have a huge sword." THE END “That sounded gay.” “Shut up, S.” You read it! You can’t un-read it! Stay tuned for more TALES OF THE BBOARD! R317