From the Desk of David Peckinpah: "I know fans have often asked me how I could ever top the classic 'Welcome to the Heckmouth' episode that served as the pilot for the "Buffy" series. For a reason I as of yet don't know, it's usually after they down a lot of Quaaludes. Anyway, as potentially daunting (whew, I've exhausted my vocabulary for today) as this task was, I was up to it, or at least until I got tired and told the flying monkeys that work for me to get crackin' on those scripts or they were stew in some Godforsaken part of the world that I donate my used employees to when I'm done with them, because I really care about making our world better. Or something.

Anyhow, I started to work on this script that Whedon had dictated to Bobo from his Fox-enforced basement prison. Of course, the whole thing had to be reworked (why do they keep that Whedon guy on anyway?) and I swore to myself that I would keep my door locked and not let anything distract me until I finished. After a couple of days, I got pretty hungry. So there I was staring down at the pages and I just stared and stared and stared some more until it hit me. The light bulb from the ceiling crashed down on my head and it broke into a thousand pieces. The bulb, not my head (thank stupidity!).

The villain in the story was supposed to be a witch who possessed her daughter to get on the cheerleading squad as some kind of met-a-four for how parents can dominate their children's lives. That's all well and good, but it's a little too highbrow for our audience. So I got to think about this one scene where there are brownies on the table and about how gooey and chocolatey and rich and mmmmmm....brownies. So anyway, it turns out the brownies were possessed by "brownies", you know like those fairies in the Boston Celtic mythology? And then they're defeated when Catherine and Amy Madison just start buying store-bought ones. (Peck coughs.)

From the script:

Willow: "Where was I?"
Buffy: "You were pretending that seeing scantily-clad girls in revealing postures was a spiritual experience."
Willow: "Who said I was pretending?"
Xander: (to Willow) "Hey, weren't those last two supposed to be my lines?"
Willow: "Uh, no. Not at all."

Whedumb's original script was titled "Teacher's Pet", but I decided that we needed to remind viewers just exactly what kind of show we're watching. Look, I'm a busy man, so I'll just cut to the chase of this thing. The teacher's a bug, right? So we give her a green head, big fly-like eyes and large three-foot wings. Whinedon throws a fit, says that she's supposed to be a bug disguised as human and threatens to take his name off the project if he's isn't allowed some small amount of input on what's supposed to be his own series. Geez, what a crybaby. Anyway, so we put a human face mask over the bug's head and a large cape over the wings, but I personally think it took away from the feel of the ep.

(Author's summary of Peck's remaining brownie-induced incoherent ramblings): Meanwhile, for a subplot, there's this vampire named Clubby who's terrorizing Sunnydale that has a wooden club for an arm. Angel immediately goes to the Shiny Metal Thing to warn Buffy about him. Afterwards, Buffy stakes the vampire using his own club arm (generating the quip, "You should have stayed out of arm's way!" which Peck thought was extremely clever) and Angel leaves the Bronze in broad daylight while decapitating himself. Meanwhile, Giles uses his Watcher powers to send buglady to a dimension with very large bats who sing "Mambo No. 5" 24/7, a clear violation of both the Watcher's mission and basic tenets of human decency.

From the script: (The Buglady walks seductively up to Xander with only a small portion of her large wings showing out from under her cape).

Buglady: "Mrglfrgllm skreeya! (Translation: You are hot for a human. We must mate.)"

Xander: (looking at the centerfold of 'Motorcycles Weekly') "Duhhh, what?"

Buglady: "Iygjsbrip!" (Translation: Oh well, there's always Larry.)"