100 Things I Hate About "This Slide of Paradise"
A review by Recall317

Someone asked me why I hadn't done one of these lists in awhile, and I said that without random exposure to the really bad episodes, it's hard to build up the appropriate rage. It's not like I seek out these terrible episodes and watch them repeatedly. So unless I have some reason to watch a "This Slide of Paradise," say for a review, I'm not going to. Well I basically walked into that, as moments later I get the notice to write the review. And if I'm going to watch it, I might as well give it the treatment. 100 things to uh…irritate me about TSOP:

  1. I'm already upset because I had to dig through a pile of VHS tapes just to find this episode. Why haven't I bought the DVD yet? Because of episodes like this!

  2. Finally they slide into the ocean, and they have to go and ruin it with a slow motion homage to Baywatch as everyone emerges from the water.

  3. Less than one minute into the show, Quinn's shirt is off. It's going to be a long hour.

  4. "If you wanna slide, it's the only way to survive." Thanks for the tip, Barbarino.

  5. See a few islands, assume the Big One hit. But as that's the only alt-history we're going to get, we best enjoy it…for a few seconds.

  6. Someone Find a Pace Car, Part I: After establishing something might be watching them, the teaser ends with them running away. Why don't you show me what they’re running from? You know, TEASE me.

  7. Lines…of Irony! Part I: "It looks like something out of a science fiction movie." This is one of many lines in this episode that inadvertently speak directly for the audience. Today's rip off is The Island of Doctor Moreau, a 1996 disaster that deeply shamed all involved, including the legendary Marlon Brando. So it's a natural fit for Sliders!

  8. So much for animal instincts on the part of our hairy attackers. 'I'll leapfrog my prey. That'll show 'em!'

  9. "If the rest are as ferocious as this one…" and as stupid, we should be safe for, oh at least a full act.

  10. Lines…of Irony! Part II: It's commented that Rickman could be dead already, to which it is replied "Not with our luck." Or ours.

  11. Or Rickman's luck either! He's become…a MANIMAL! (Yes, take a moment and laugh with me.)

  12. Yay, we've slid to the island of "Cats" rejects.

  13. "We both know why I live…" Fox hates its viewers?

  14. That Be Some Bad Brain Fluid! Part I: Rickman seems surprised that there would be other humans on the island, implying he forgot all about those 4 people who have been chasing him for months. You'd think that given his desperate situation, he'd be counting the moments until their arrival. You'd be wrong. This is the first of many instances that imply Rickman's nonhuman injections are seriously lowering his IQ.

  15. My favorite manimal? Lion-o! "GIVE ME SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT!"

  16. Where'd they'd get these costumes? The dumpster outside "The Wiz"?

  17. Lines…of Irony! Part III: "Welcome to my nightmare!" No elaboration needed.

  18. Where Have I Seen This Before? Part I: The hybrids are a pale imitation of our circus friends from "Last of Eden."

  19. "That's because we're walking in circles." That's Maggie's crack training at work!

  20. What part of the hybrid is making these guys so useless? The animal part, or the human? C'mon, you guys (presumably) live off the land. You can't take down four unarmed people?

  21. Melinda Clarke is a beautiful woman, which goes completely to waste in that ridiculous get-up.

  22. "What's in those guns?" Piss. What do you think is in the guns, Einstein? Poison!

  23. I'll be very interested to find out how these hybrids came about…and who dressed them up in all this J. Crew clothing. Perhaps there's a retail outlet on the other side of the island.

  24. Poison probably does make you twitch, but it just looks pathetic.

  25. It’s the old, 'I sprained my ankle' bit. How lame. (Bada bing!)

  26. It's the old, 'I lost the timer' bit. Here's a suggestion: look where you just got attacked. There's a good chance that's where you dropped it.

  27. Someone Find a Pace Car, Part II: We're a full act in, and we're still just wandering around the jungle.

  28. Someone Find a Pace Car, Part III: Running away is not necessarily cause for an act break. Sometimes it's fun to show the viewer what's coming next. How about ending the act by introducing special guest Michael York? I suspect he'll play a prominent role in this farce before long. Get him on screen.

  29. Where Have I Seen This Before? Part II: Oh look, another electric fence. Let's hope Quinn can keep the generator going on this one too.

  30. "You're not from the government?" These incompetents? The ones running around unarmed in a jungle full of half-man/half beasts? Well, maybe George W. Bush's government.

  31. Dr. Vargas (York) is running some sort of catch and release program. As he clearly has no conscience, why not destroy the creations he believes to be failures? By setting them loose, isn't he opening himself up for an ironic punishment? Not to foreshadow or anything.

  32. Oh, here we go again. One slider is taking extreme umbrage over a situation best left alone. This week's uncompromising idealist? Rembrandt.

  33. Why must mad scientists always reveal their labs to perfect strangers? Vargas went to a lot of trouble to work in anonymity on this island. If he was interested in sharing, he could have stayed at Cambridge.

  34. Though Alisandra speaks perfect English, she needs to sound out 'Rem-brandt.'

  35. Alisandra licks water out of a bowl (cause she's part cat, get it?) Let's take her to the bathroom and see what happens.

  36. Alisandra has never seen a black man before. I guess Vargas hasn't been combining his DNA with any pumas.

  37. Dr. Vargas explains that he's doing all of this in order to cure great diseases. Mixing DNA and cloning cells is one thing, but developing fully grown huminals to reach this end is kind of stupid. Naturally, our sliders just nod passively.

  38. The animal DNA allows his creations to mature rapidly. That explains the full grown creatures running around despite his only 5 years on the job. Keep that in mind when Alisandra makes cat eyes at Rembrandt. She's no older than five.

  39. "I created you, I can destroy you too!" Just in case you weren't sold on Vargas being crazy.

  40. He wraps up his explanation as if to say "And that concludes the tour!" Which it really is. Everybody understand the backstory now? Good. Let's move on to the real meat of the episode: getting captured and escaping repeatedly.

  41. Vargas instructs his huminal servant to not let the four wander off the plantation in the dark. Vargas may be mad, but even he can see his guests are kind of stupid.

  42. This racial allegory the huminals are taking part in doesn't really work. My objections to Rembrandt and Alisandra's relationship have nothing to do with race, and everything to do with bestiality. She's half-leopard, for Pete's sake!

  43. "Rrowr." Ugh.

  44. Alisandra explains that without her and her slightly challenged counterpart Daniel, Vargas is a failure. I don't know. He's created two dozen creatures by splicing human and animal DNA. Discipline problems aside, you really can't dispute the success. Creepy, but damn!

  45. Rickman has promised Ceres passage to a new world if he helps him, but what drives the others? And what exactly do they hope to find on this new world? Love and acceptance? They haven't really thought this through…both hybrids, and producers.

  46. How did they manage to learn English? We've already seen how quick Vargas is to toss a hybrid from his sight. One screw up and you're gone.

  47. Quinn's throwaway moralism. He admires the work, but science without conscience blah blah blah. My respect for his abilities as a scientist have bottomed out as of late.

  48. Maggie can't stop thinking about the boy in the cage. Is she starting to show signs of compassion? Nah.

  49. Quinn, who can't shoot to save himself, goes 3 for 3 with the dart gun inside of three seconds.

  50. Hey, let's slowly meander so we can be captured. RUN, you fools, RUN!

  51. Where did the hybrids get the net? Is Vargas also banishing them with supplies?

  52. That Be Some Bad Brain Fluid! Part II: How much do you want to bet Rickman regrets not sending some expendable force to round up Rembrandt?

  53. Daniel's only job must be to stand at the gate at all hours. I know Vargas must get many visitors.

  54. I should be touched by Daniel's mournful cry for his love Alisandra, but instead I just laugh. And start humming "Werewolves of London."

  55. Vargas's perfect humans are real pussies, and not just in the cat sense.

  56. Lines…of Irony! Part IV: "No one is allowed to do this, not to human, an animal, or anything." Or viewer. Stop, my God, please stop!

  57. According to Alisandra, Vargas gets angry sometimes. You know, I thought he might be a bit unstable.

  58. What lab wouldn't be complete without containers of various colored liquids?

  59. "You give me one good reason I shouldn't do to you what you did to Alisandra." How about that gun he's holding, Remmy? Is that reason enough?

  60. The hybrids were bred for slavery! And on a world without black people! Or island without black people! This must pass for intentional irony on the producers' part.

  61. Vargas wants Rembrandt's DNA in exchange for a dart gun. Now that's an arms deal Ollie North could get behind!

  62. Why does Vargas need Rembrandt's DNA for? Is there something wrong with his own? As he hit upon the thought that he himself may be genetically flawed? Or did we need an excuse for Vargas to capture Rembrandt at some point?

  63. The remaining three sliders are locked in cages. They must have been there from before (it must have been one of those plantations) cause none of these hybrids look all that skilled in metalwork.

  64. They say when you put an innocent man in jail, he stays awake, but a criminal falls asleep with ease. Notice that all three are sleeping when we find them again.

  65. "Get your stinkin' paw off of me." YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!

  66. Lines…of Irony! Part V: "Go to hell." "I'm already there." And so are we.

  67. An Affair Not to Remember, Part I: Ten episodes after meeting these characters, we learn that Maggie and Rickman did the mattress mambo. There is absolutely no foreshadowing of this startling revelation other than Maggie's general sluttiness.

  68. An Affair Not to Remember, Part II: Wow, this changes everything in terms of Maggie's motivation to hunt down and kill Rickman. I mean, sure, she claims it's out of vengeance for her late husband, but she was trying to make it with Quinn when he was still alive. Maybe Rickman jilted her. Who knows? They're not interested in telling us.

  69. An Affair Not to Remember, Part III: In Quinn or Wade's shoes, I'd be upset that Maggie had withheld that tidbit of information. They barely take note of it.

  70. "Biggest mistake I ever made." Bigger than getting yourself locked in a trunk by Quinn and company? Bigger than trying to pet a 10 foot vampiric bunny? Bigger than digging up a corpse Rickman so obviously planted for you?

  71. Oh I'm not done with #70! Bigger than trying to seduce a snake-smuggling murderer? Bigger than getting trapped in a sacrificial cave for a T-Rex? Bigger than chasing Rickman into a poisonous fog? YOU DO SOMETHING PHENOMENALLY STUPID EVERY OTHER DAY. But I digress…

  72. That Be Some Bad Brain Fluid! Part III: Rickman passes up a quick Wade injection in favor of the insane Dr. Vargas. Good for Wade, but really dumb.

  73. Vargas knows a secret way to the hybrids' lair. He should have taken it, as the route he chose seems to be covered with them.

  74. Vargas is pleased to discover the rumors of a new hybrid are true. It's curious he wouldn't have made this a bigger priority, seeing as up until then, he had personally created everyone on the island.

  75. Vargas is the man who created/ruined them. When he flees, why do they attack poor Daniel, one of their own? Is Daniel the Uncle Tom of hybrids and deserves his beating more? Like Rickman says, "go after the doctor!"

  76. That Be Some Bad Brain Fluid! Part IV: OK, when he said go after the doctor, I'm sure he didn't mean that EVERYONE should go after him.

  77. That Be Some Bad Brain Fluid! Part V: Mighty convenient that Rembrandt's allowed to walk into the lair unopposed and rescue everyone.

  78. That Be Some Bad Brain Fluid! Part VI: Mighty convenient that Rickman left both timers in plain sight, unsecured.

  79. Thought Daniel's mournful howl was funny, check out Rickman's. Yeoooooooow-ooooooooooooo!

  80. "How much further?" "Not that far." Um…to where? You don't know anything about this island. Last time you were out here, you just wandered around in circles.

  81. Rembrandt, idiot, goes back to rescue Alisandra.

  82. The others, idiots, allow him to go alone. He doesn't even get a good luck.

  83. When next we see Rembrandt, he's inside the plantation. How'd he get there? Is Vargas now leaving the place unlocked and the fence unelectrified?

  84. Guess not, the hybrids find an electric fence. Hey guys, try the door. It must be unlocked.

  85. OK, so let me get this straight. All you need to do to short out an electric fence is sacrifice one person to it. What happens if a chipmunk gets caught in it? Is security down? It just seems to me like an expensive way to shoddily guard one's property.

  86. Someone Find a Pace Car, Part IV: I just want a time check before we continue. There were about 40 minutes until the slide when Rembrandt left for Alisandra. He needs to find his way there, then he needs to find a way to get in. Then he gets captured. If he's to make it back in time, the island can be at most 3 miles wide.

  87. Oh, so it's the tired "I am immortal!" parting words of the mad scientist.

  88. I like how all the huminals go apeshit and start burning the place down. Docile beyond all reason? Or just stupid beyond all reason. I give them another few weeks before they start eating each other.

  89. Someone Find a Pace Car, Part V: Here's some great dialogue. M: "I hope Remmy's watching the clock." Q: "He'll be back in time." {Apparent hiccup in the space time continuum} M: "Where is he?" Q: "Oh, don't worry. Remmy will be fine."

  90. Quinn explains to Maggie that their timer will hit zero after they slide home, which she already knows as she's handicapping Remmy's chances at the 2nd window. Come to think of it, that's oddly out of character. Maybe they're just screwing up.

  91. Lines…of Irony! Part VI: "You're getting your crew home." "Not the whole crew, Maggie." Yep, the Professor didn't make it. "You're part of us now." Uh…Arturo? You know, the English guy? Died to save you? Liked eating?

  92. An Affair Not to Remember, Part IV: Even after learning that Maggie slept with the man who killed Arturo, which she didn't feel the need to tell anyone about until her hand was forced, Quinn proceeds to make kissy face with her.

  93. I wonder how Wade feels about Quinn and Maggie's make out session. No trace of anger on her face. Or exasperation.

  94. "I'm going to miss you getting on my nerves." "Fuck you." (Well, that's what Wade should have said.)

  95. That Be Some Bad Brain Fluid! Part VII: Rickman's final idiotic decision, diving off a cliff after a vortex with a second window still available to him. Yeow-oooooooooooooooooooooooo!

  96. Quinn's final idiotic decision, failing to slide with his friends thus forcing Maggie to slide to a planet where she can't breathe.

  97. "We must have slid into the future." The producers' final idiotic decision, breaking a rule laid down in the first episode that sliding is never time travel.

  98. They Missed the Point, Part I: The original Island of Doctor Moreau by H.G. Wells had laws given to the hybrids that encouraged them to be like men. Stand on two legs, drink from a cup, etc. Here, the inverse is true. Vargas has Alisandra drinking out of bowls and refusing medical attention…like an animal.

  99. They Missed the Point, Part II: Arguably, the main theme of the novel is that try as you may to create the perfect human, you can never take the beast out of him. It is a futile pursuit. Vargas is attempting to put the beast into humans to create a docile race of slaves. One question: has Vargas ever tried to herd cats? Or get them to do anything at all? If you want docile, you're better off with humans. Just shove a TV set in front of them.

  100. They Missed the Point, Part III: The fan base hates Maggie. Don't give us greater reason to despise her by having her sleep with Rickman and costing Quinn his ticket home…and then make them a couple! Or maybe that's been the point all along, and it's just us who couldn't see the greater picture. And why? See #13.