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 An Interview with JOC 
 HunterD_Raven  Date Unknown 
With honours to ScoopThis.com and Dusty the Fat, Bitter Cat.

Interviewer:

    Hi Jerry, thanks for taking time out of your schedule to do this interview.

Jerry O'Connell:

    No prob Raven, I'm always thankful to help out fellow Hollywood types. You are a Hollywood type, right?

Interviewer:

    Uhhhhh, suuure.

Jerry O'Connell:

    You know, you sound awfully human, are you sure you're a raven?

Interviewer:

    Uh... JOC, why don't you tell us about how you are feeling these days.

Jerry O'Connell:

    Well, ever since the network refused to let me Executive Produ...

Interviewer:

    JOC -- that was over a year ago! Why not tell us how you feel TODAY!

Jerry O'Connell:

    Well, ever since they fired Charlie...

Interviewer:

    NO, TODAY DAMMIT. How are you feeling TODAY!

Jerry O'Connell:

    ...

Interviewer:

    Jerry...?

Jerry O'Connell:

    I'm not sure I understand the question.

Interviewer:

    (sigh) How do you feel about Bob Weiss' proposed Sliders movie?

Jerry O'Connell:

    It's not a possibility?

Interviewer:

    Uhhh, how do you figure that.

Jerry O'Connell:

    Haven't you listened to my fans?? I MADE Sliders, I created, produced, directed and acted in it. No one can make it work without me!

Interviewer:

    You didn't create Sliders, Tormé did.

Jerry O'Connell:

    I thought Mel Tormé was a singer.

Interviewer:

    TRACY Tormé.

Jerry O'Connell:

    Tracy.....hmmm...Dick Tracy, I saw that movie, it sucked. Come on -- I wasn't even in it!

Interviewer:

    Let's move on... What was your relationship with Peckinpah?

Jerry O'Connell:

    It's hard to believe what happened with me in my first two years here. David really missed some unbelievable opportunities with me, both on and off camera. I was new in town, and kinda lonely so-

Interviewer:

    Let's stick to the PROFESSIONAL relationship, Jerry...

Jerry O'Connell:

    Well, they couldn't have done more things wrong with me. But I don't blame Peck or Sci-Fi or anyone else tied in with it. I blame me not being Exec. I think that-

Interviewer:

    How do you feel about Season 5 of Sliders?

Jerry O'Connell:

    Well I haven't watched it much, but give me My Secret Identity, or the first 4 seasons, or Stand By Me, or Joe's Apartment or-

Interviewer:

    Or maybe even a movie without you?

Jerry O'Connell:

    Ha ha, Raven you kidder!

Interviewer:

    Moving on, just wondering, what are your opinions on the passing of Q from the Bond series.

Jerry O'Connell:

    A tragedy. I had the pleasure of meeting Desmond a short while back, and found his earthy enthusiasm refreshing and was pleased that young actors had such a great role model to look up to.

Interviewer:

    Really? That's a (surprisingly) noble sentiment.

Jerry O'Connell:

    Yeah, it's sad that such a great man can die in such a horrible way, but I don't blame other drivers or the highways -- I blame my not being Exec on Sliders.

Interviewer:

    (Sigh)

Jerry O'Connell:

    Just like when my brother Charlie left, THEY FIRED HIM!

Interviewer:

    Well, one can hardly blame them...

Jerry O'Connell:

    I sure can! He was a fantastic actor, better than anyone ever on the show...other than me of course!!! In fact, they even tried to kill him, with a big butcher knife!!!!!

Interviewer:

    THEY DID NOT!!!!

Jerry O'Connell:

    YES they did! I saw the blood dripping from the knife and everything. Of course I dedicated Mission To Mars to him, make sure you go see it.

Interviewer:

    Jerry...

Jerry O'Connell:

    No one imagined Charlie's career would end so suddenly and tragically... I hurt. I hurt a lot.

Interviewer:

    (sigh)

Jerry O'Connell:

    I HURT!

Interviewer:

    How about we talk about one of your more recent appearances, the Mariah Carey video.

Jerry O'Connell:

    But I hurt.

Interviewer:

    Yes, we know you hurt!

Jerry O'Connell:

    Okay. The video is humorous but, looking back, what happened behind the scenes was pretty funny too. For starters, when they told Mariah they were going to have her date somebody in the video, she told them 'not somebody,' she wanted Jerry O'Connell.

Interviewer:

    Haha, that IS pretty funny!

Jerry O'Connell:

    Uh... that wasn't the funny part. As I was saying, it was a big honour for me that Mariah wanted me in her video. I've been a big fan of hers for years and I don't mind admitting I was excited about it.

Interviewer:

    But... you hurt.

Jerry O'Connell:

    Yes, of course. My life is a living hell, but I nonetheless did the video, put my arm around her... trying not to come on too hard on the poor girl. I was supposed to have a kissing scene. I grabbed her neck and pulled her head down about 3 inches -- and they yelled "cut!"

Interviewer:

    And?

Jerry O'Connell:

    SO I WAS SCREWED AGAIN!!!!

Interviewer:

    Uh-huh...

Jerry O'Connell:

    I was ready to kiss her, but they stopped the video before I could! When does the JOCster get a break? I can't even let my friends watch that video anymore. But I don't blame Mariah, or the director. I blame my not being Exec on

Interviewer:

    I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHAT THE @$#@$# YOU BLAME JOC!!!!

Jerry O'Connell:

    .....

Interviewer:

    Sorry

Jerry O'Connell:

    Is that any way to talk to a man who hurts?

Interviewer:

    Your right, that was very unprofessional, but-

Jerry O'Connell:

    It wounds me when you talk like that.

Interviewer:

    Sigh...

Jerry O'Connell:

    But I don't blame you, or your producers, I blame

Interviewer (interrupting):

    So what's in store for JOC in the future.

Jerry O'Connell:

    Well, I plan for Mission To Mars to be a big success. It'll be my first successful movie since Scream 2, but I don't blame my agent, or the movie companies, I blame

Interviewer:

    DAMMIT JOC, do you thing about ANYTHING ELSE?!?!

Jerry O'Connell:

    Speaking of the producer situation... I still get people walking up to me, telling me how proud they are of how I handled myself through that time.

Interviewer:

    ...

Jerry O'Connell:

    Call it fate, since I got to be free to film stuff with good budgets, like Body Shots.

Interviewer:

    ...

Jerry O'Connell:

    Hey Raven, ya still with me?

Interviewer:

    (Snore)

Jerry O'Connell:

    Raven?

Interviewer:

    (Snore)

Jerry O'Connell:

    HEY, birds don't snore, you sure you're a

    *KCHHHHHHH*


Alucard Productions would like to apologize to Jerry O'Connell for the technical difficulties which broke our communication before the interview's natural end.

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