TBH: I can't believe you vaporized SL4ever!!BLK: MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
<voice from behind TBH>: It's okay, Timmy.
TBH: <turning to see SL5ever>: No, it's not okay. You're not SL4ever!
<considers>
TBH: Not entirely a bad thing! Let's riff! :-P
MAGGIE: Mr. K?SL5: Yeah, the one who made that cereal.
HTWD: >:-# I can see the jokes get worse the higher your number gets.
Quinn shrugs as they climb aboard....
6 INT. STAGECOACH - DAY (MOMENTS LATER) - MOVING
Quinn and Maggie squeeze into the coach with three other
passengers, including a handsome, well-dressed dandy
TBH: A dandy! NOOOO!!! Get off the coach, Quinn!!
HTWD: This is S4 Quinn, who gives a >:-# what happens to him?
TBH: Good point! YESSSSSS!! Ask him about his Barbra Streisand movie collection!!
named
BEN.
MAGGIE: How ya'll doing?
HTWD: <head in paws> : Jesus God. This is gonna be a painful hour of TV.
The dandy tips his hat and gives her a charming smile.
TBH: <mimicking Dandy> : My favorite part of "The Mirror Has Two Faces" is where Agent Fowley is dissing James Bond for being too clingy and she suddenly stops and says "Oh >:-#!" because he shows up. TEE HEE
BEN: just fine, ma'am, now that I'm graced with such a beautiful traveling companion.
HTWD: So the men of this world are either a lobotomized Pa Kettle or a simpered down Richard Gere? They've landed in hell.
TBH: <shuddering> : Could Gere get any simpier?
Quinn rolls his eyes.
SL5: Acknowledging how hideous this script is won't make your punishment any lighter!! >:-#
7 EXT. ON TOP OF STAGE - DAY - MOVING
Colin and Rembrandt ride on top with the Stage Driver.
COLIN (to Driver) : So who's this Mr. K?
TBH: Why do you care? Oh, setting up the "plot." Never mind.
STAGE DRIVER: Only the low downdest varmint this side of the Big Muddy.
HTWD: <crawls under seat, whimpering> : >:-# "The Seer"! THIS is the ep that I'd use to torture someone if I needed information!
TBH: So all we really need to do to Westernize our language is add "dest" to random words, drop the last letter from random words, and say varmint a lot! WOO HOO!!!
STAGE DRIVER: An' ugly? When he was whelped, the doc horsewhipped his mama.
SL5: So you wanna talk ugly, do you? You're so ugly you're not listed in "Who's Who", you're listed in "What's That?"
TBH: Yeah! He always walks around with a chip on his shoulder, his HEAD! >:-#
Colin and Remmy exchange a look.
TBH: <mimicking CD> : Charlie, I'm kicking your brother's ASS for writing this script!
REMBRANDT (aside) : Did he say 'varmint'?
HTWD: Don't forget what he said about liking fried frijoles.
STAGE DRIVER: He and his boys been raisin' hell round these parts. Rustlin' cattle, burnin' out homesteaders. Got the whole territory spooked.
TBH: My Westernizing Formula is looking purty solid so far.
HTWD: Don't forget dropping the "a" from "around."
REMBRANDT (dry) : So mean he once shot a man just for snorin'?
SL5: This is starting to feel like a parody of a parody, like the Wayens brothers satirizing "Blazing Saddles."
STAGE DRIVER (nods) : You heard of him. Word is he's got a face that'll scare the ugly off a two dollar whore. I don't wanna find out.
TBH: Oh yeah? You're so ugly that you always wear a mask except when you rob a bank!
HTWD: You have so many chins that when you drool, people Honeymoon near you! You wanna keep reusing old ugly jokes? We can do this all night! :-D
The Driver offers Colin and Remmy a flask.
STAGE DRIVER: Hooch?
HTWD: Cuz it wouldn't be a Western without someone drinking from a hip flask. I'll bet in the real Old West only about three people EVER had one!
They exchange a look, and we go....
SL5: WOO HOO!!! <gets up and runs towards the door.>
BLK: <brandishing Star Trek Phaser set on KILL>: They didn't mean you, mendicant.
SL5: Sniff.
8 INT. STAGECOACH - DAY - MOVING
Ben leans forward toward Maggie.
TBH: <mimicking Ben> : Do your silk panties keep riding up your ass? It really bugs me.
BEN: And what brings you out west, Miss... ah?
HTWD: Peter. Ivana Peter.
MAGGIE: Beckett. Maggie Beckett.
Ben takes her hand and holds it lightly.
SL5: <mimicking Maggie> : Ew! Your hand feels like linguini!
BEN: Maggie.
MAGGIE: Just passing through. And what brings you this way, Mr...?
TBH: Smoker. But you can call me Richard.
BEN: Call me, Ben. I'm traveling on business -
HTWD: I fleece no-talent screechers dreaming of a singing career and you've just made my quota all by yourself!
BLAM! A bullet explodes off the window frame.
SL5: Scriptwriting 101! Conversation going nowhere? Blow some >:-# up!
QUINN: Get down!
TBH: <mimicking Remmy> : o/ Eeeeeye get byeeeeeee with a little help from my frieeeeeends! o/ Oh, you meant literally?
The passengers duck as more GUNFIRE erupts around them.
TBH: <mimicking Colin> : Did he say "duck" ? >:-#
9
THRU OMITTED
10
ALL: WOO HOO!!!
11 EXT. ON TOP OF STAGE - DAY - MOVING
From this vantage point, we now see a band of four desperadoes on horseback pursuing the speeding stage guns blazing.
HTWD: If those clods are "desperadoes" I'm going to be in "Air Bud IV: Skeet Shooter"
STAGE DRIVER: It's Mr. K!
SL5: Didn't Mudbone here just finish saying he'd never actually seen Mr. K?
12 ANGLE ON THE LEAD OUTLAW
The rider at the head of the pack cuts a menacing figure,
black hat, long coat whipping in the wind, his face obscured by a bandanna.
TBH: Man, this punk would run screaming like a 12 year old girl if Clint Eastwood showed up.
13 BACK TO THE STAGE
Slapping the reins with one hand, the Driver flips a double-barreled shotgun to Colin with the other.
HTWD: So Varmint Boy doesn't think for a second about the coincidence of four strangers appearing out of nowhere ten minutes before The Captain Kangaroo Gang hits? He is so confident they're cool that he tosses over his gun? I would be RULING this gullible world in a month!
STAGE DRIVER: Give us some cover.
Colin raises the gun to his shoulder.
TBH: <mimicking Colin> : First, gimmie your money and promise never to talk about bootstraps again.
14 ON MR. K
riding hard. He aims his six-gun at the stage and FIRES.
SouthernSlider: <from behind Blinker> : No! Colin! Duck, Colin, duck!
15 BACK ON TOP OF THE STAGE
Colin is hit in the upper arm. The shotgun goes flying and
he tumbles off the side of the stagecoach.
HTWD: <standing up on hind legs and raising paws above head> : WOO HOO!!! I love you, Way Out West!! I'll never diss you again! :-*! :-*! :-*! :-*!
REMBRANDT: Colin!
SL5: <standing up, screaming at Mr. K> : Shoot him again! SHOOT HIM AGAIN!!!
16 INT. STAGECOACH - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Quinn and Maggie look out the window in horror.
TBH: <mimicking Quinn> : That >:-# owed me five dollars!!
MAGGIE: We lost Colin!
HTWD: <draped over three seats, head tossed back, eyes rolled up into his head, smoking a cigarette.> : Oh yeah. :-P Was that good for you, bay-bee? :-P
Quinn bangs on the roof on the stage.
QUINN: Stop! Stop the stage!
SL5: I loaned him the latest copy of Jugs! Stop the stage!
17 EXT. ON TOP OF STAGE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Remmy grabs the Driver.
TBH: Turn back or I'll cry all over you! You smell allergic to water!
REMBRANDT: We gotta go back!
HTWD: If he's gone I'm the slowest runner again! What if we run into more cannibals?
The Driver shakes him off.
STAGE DRIVER: You loco? That's Mr. K.
SL5: So now he's Mexican? I thought he was Hillbilly?
REMBRANDT: We lost Colin.
HTWD: Oh yeah! :-P Keep reminding me, Remmy.
Remmy tries to grab the reins from the Driver, but the
Driver draws his own gun and aims it at Remmy.
SL5: What do you mean his own gun? The only other guns mentioned so far are the gun Mr. K fired and the shotgun, which was also the driver's. "his own gun"????
STAGE DRIVER (hard) : Wanna join him? Throw that
strongbox!
TBH: Hard??? HA HA HA HA HA!!! He's about as hard as Jay Leno monologue writer job interview!
Remmy is forced to back off. He turns to the luggage piled
behind him and shoves a metal strongbox off the stage.
HTWD: There go Ben's Rod Stewart CDs. Sniff.
19 EXT. PRAIRIE
The strongbox crashes to the ground. The desperadoes
immediately call off the chase and draw up their horses at
the strongbox. As they whoop and celebrate, we go....
SL5: I don't know how many more "desperadoes" descriptions of these Brisco County Jr. rejects I can take.
20 TIGHT ON MR. K
watching the stage disappear in a cloud of dust. We HOLD
on Mr. K's squinting eyes and....
TBH: ... immediately know who he is despite the lame bandana.
FADE OUT
END OF TEASER
HTWD: Colin getting shot??? This wasn't teasing, this was flat out, buck naked SEX! WOO HOO!!!
ACT ONE
FADE IN
21 EXT. WESTERN TOWN - DAY
A classic frontier town:
SL5: Potty ditches lining both sides of the street?
TBH: IQ of the average inhabitant rivaling that of the number of their remaining teeth?
HTWD: Five bars, 17 whore houses, and one bathhouse closed due to lack of business?
BLK: The scriptwriter means the classic ROMANTICIZED frontier town.
Cowpokes, drunks and school marms
TBH: A school marm??? School marmS???? Lister's frontier town was more realistic!
criss-cross, the street. The dusty stagecoach pulls away, revealing the Sliders and Ben standing in front of the express office.
HTWD: Can't mention a stagecoach in the Old West without noting that it's dusty.
BEN: Shame about your friend. If there's anything I can do to help, I'll be staying at the Ch
SL5: -er Hotel.
BEN: -andler Hotel.
TBH: The Chandler Hotel????? They do get around, don't they?
MAGGIE: Thanks.
HTWD: <opening gambling notebook> : How long before she puts the blast on him?
TBH: She already has!
Ben tips his hat and moves off.
TBH: <mimicking muttering Ben> : Nice people. The men dress like sissies though. They must not be from around here.
REMBRANDT: What now?
HTWD: We handcuff ourselves to our seats to avoid mindlessly rushing the door to our certain deaths.
QUINN: We rustle up some help.
SL5: Rustle??? "rustle up some help"???? <stands up> I can't take it anymore!!!
TBH: SL5!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!
<SL5ever leaps over two rows and rushes Blinker. Blinker gunsmokes him, twirls the phaser, and holsters it.>
TBH: We lost SL5!!
HTWD: SL5!!!! <turns to screen> Scroll back up!!! Scroll back up to before he was vaporized!!
Audience: You loco? Mr. BLK is up there!!!!
