SHINY:
a Kari Wuhrer albumMSTed by HurriKain Lyrics courtesy
kariwuhrer.net
|  |
<HK watches TV>Britney Spears <singing>: There's a drug that's killing meeee... <changes channel>Courtney Love: ...tiiiiiiiiiimesss I just can't cooooooooo..... <changes channel>Mandy Moore: I smelled the flowers today! I smelled the flowers today! <changes channel>Backstreet Boys: If you want it, here it is, come and get it... <changes channel>N*Sync: Lord, Take me now.... <changes channel>Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera: She's coming down with happiness! <changes channel>98 Degrees: You're my Sunflower... Sunflower Man. <Turns TV off>
<Shudder> <Somewhere, a choir sings "Alleluia"><Bells ring in every city on earth> <A FOX executive is about to jump off a 20-story building.> Wait! I haven't posted the review YET! <Choir stops singing, bells stop ringing, and the Exec sits on the roof, wiping his brow.> Where were we... Oh yeah. THIS IS THE LAST SONG! So, without further ado: <throws song onto the barbeque> Sitting here
I'm all alone
same old thing Checklist for the day:1. Wake up.
2. Smoke CRACK.
3. Eat breakfast
4. Smoke CRACK.
5. Take shower.
6. Have sex with stranger.
7. Smoke CRACK. Sorting clothes
I hear the phone
just let it ring Heh, probably Peck begging for a morning blow job.When you came by
to get your stuff
I was sure
I'd had enough <Kari laying naked on her bed>
Kari: Wow, that was great! What's your name again?
Boy: My name's Joey, and I only came here to borrow a cup of sugar...( Chorus )
But you're no longer in my bed Earlier that day, Kari found the following note:Dear Kari, I can't stay with you anymore. I've been watching you ever since your mom bought me for your sixth birthday. But now, you've become a silicone-induced slut. Each time I watch you take a bong hit/puff the CRACK pipe/snorting/shooting... hell, pick one! It makes me ill. And I was having a hard time sleeping with all the guys you bring over. And when that last guy had his semen all over my leg, THAT IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE! Hell, you're probably better off without me. Sincerely, your Teddy Bear I can't get you out of my head. Kari is having fond memories of Gary, one of the grips on the show, who can do amazing things with his hips.Daniel: Kari, How many times do I have to tell you, STOP MASTURBATING WITH THE SAXOPHONE!I should say the same thing about this album.I stay up late
and watch TV
just can't sleep Watch what happens when Kari mistakes Speed for Nytol.Read all the cards you've given me
the things I keep One card says "I Choo, Choo, Choose You."and every day
I pray your name What IS it with Kari and religious figures? Now she says she slept with Jesus?!But it will never be the same. Kari just found out that her bong buddy was caught with a dime-bag last night.( Chorus. Apparently she was sleeping with Charlie, but he broke up with her shortly after Jerry called about a job. )I'm better off
oh lord, I'm better off Ladies and gentlemen, Kari's attempt at gospel.And I still hear
those words
that you said "Go with it... Go with it... go with it... go w..."Oh
I guess
I was just misguided You call that an excuse?!?! <slap!>Oh c'mon, I don't hate you THAT much!I take you out
all the time
and always paycheap hotels
expensive wine Peck: I'll pay you back, pumpkin, honest. As soon as a studio gives me funding for my feature film, "Tig Bitties", you'll be the first person I'll call.<rewind> Peck: I'll pay you back, pumpkin, honest.You told me all
I wanted to hear
Oh
I believed it all
but now it's clear Kari: It's been three years and COUNTLESS sexual favors and he hasn't paid me back one damn dime. I'm starting to sense trickery.Daniel: KARI, PUT... THE SAX... DOWN!You would hurt
but never bleed <HK's alarm clock goes "Twang!!">Oh
taking everything you need All I need is my sanity back. >:-(OOOOOH BABY
OOOOOH BAAAAAAAAAAAAABYYYYYYYYY Daniel: KARI! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... Now I have to clean THAT up...I'm better off (x3)
I'm better off dead Suddenly a guy wearing a "Scream" mask jumps out of some bushes and stabs Kari to death.or A car recklessly turns a corner and hits Kari, who's standing in the street, dazed. or Because of the various religious references throughout her album, Kari is suddenly struck by a bolt of lightning. You asked for it... <A choir loudly sings "Alleluia"> <Bells are ringing in every city all over the globe> <A FOX Exec jumps off a 20-story building> <Suddenly, someone knocks on HK's door> Delivery Boy: Mr. Hurri Kain? Here's your "CRACK-o-meter", fully repaired and operational. We'll send a bill to you via mail. HK: Thanks. HK takes the CoM and closes the door. He gives it a second look, shrugs, and puts it in the trash. THE END!
|
