Timmy Bighands: Just saw his first paycheck for this gig, so he ain't happy either!

Henry The Wonder Dog: How irritated can a dog really ever be? Just watch and see! :-D

The Pilot - Part IV

<Quinn walks down the bottom of the stairs and flips on a series of breakers to slowly reveal his equipment filled basement>

HTWD: Nice of them to reuse the set from the 60's version of The Fly.

<Quinn walks over to his equation filled blackboard.>

SL4: I didn't realize KFC's secret ingredient was so complicated!

HTWD: Look there. He forgot to carry the XYQT6.

<At the end of the complex equation is a giant question mark where the answer should be.>

TBH: That pretty much sums up this movie so far, folks.

Quinn <speaking to his cat> : "One missing piece. You'd think after three months I'd be able to crack it."

SL4: Look on the bright side, you could have wasted three months making Body Shots instead. It's not a total loss.

Quinn <disgustedly> : "Some genius."

TBH: Don't be so hard on yourself. At your age I considered washing myself and my car in the same day a major accomplishment. You're ahead of the game.

<Quinn picks up the chalk and is about to write something on the board, then hesitates.>

HTWD: Come on, tough guy! Show us how you can write formulas! I'm on the edge of my seat here!

<Quinn drops his hand, shaking his head with frustration>

HTWD: The tension is unbearable! Will he write a number or won't he?

<Quinn discards the chalk and turns away from the board. He moves over to his TV/VCR setup.>

TBH: Awwww. I suck at math! I'm gonna watch Red Dwarf, >:-# it!

Quinn: "But while searching for the answer, accidents may happen. Amazing accidents."

SL4: What is it with this family? The mom talks to her dead husband and Quinn talks to his cat. Lemme guess, Dad talked to his tie?

<Quinn puts a tape marked "Quinn's diary" into the machine, rewinds it, and settles in his chair to watch it>

HTWD: Just how bored do you have to be to watch Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman's personal diary?

<on screen, Quinn is staring wild-eyed and breathless into the camera, lit by a flashlight> : "Ohmygod! It was great!"

TBH: This is WAY too much personal information, Quinn.

Quinn: "You should have seen..."

SL4: No thanks, we'll take your word for it.

Quinn: "I mean, this weird thing. Outta nowhere ... just blew..."

HTWD: I haven't seen such clear, intelligible, commentary since the Unabomber's Manifesto.

MM: "Quinn!"

TBH: <mimicking Mrs Mallory> : I heard a loud noise! Have you summoned another Hell Spawn down there? I'm still cleaning up the pea soup from the last one!

Quinn <whispering> : "I think I knocked out the power."

SL4: You think? Does the light switch work or not?

Quinn <pacing now, speaking directly to the camera> : "September 13th. My attempt to create the world's first anti-gravity device has taken a decidedly bizarre turn."

TBH: Instead of things defying gravity they change into singing cockroaches.

<Quinn picks up a gadget that looks suspiciously like a TV remote control.>

HTWD: What? He's going to change the channel to a good movie?

Quinn: "Anti-gravity? Uh-uh."

SL4: Do you think Einstein ever said "uh-uh"?

Quinn: "Something else? Definitely. But what?"

TBH: Your logic is inescapable, Spock. If it's not anti-gravity then it is DEFINITELY "something else."

<Quinn presses the button and a vortex opens up, blowing things around the room>

HTWD: D'oh! I meant to turn on Space Ghost! This thing looks too much like my TV remote control!

<the present day Quinn leans forward in his seat and fast forwards several days ahead. The TV Quinn speaks> : "September 21st. After days of careful analysis,"

SL4: Mostly involving tossing twinkies in the wormhole to measure how quickly they're torn apart...

Quinn: "I've come to the conclusion that the center of the ring could be the mouth of a tunnel, or a gateway, to another existence."

TBH: Or it could be a fairy portal giving access to Narnia. I just don't know.

<Quinn fast forwards again> : "September 25th. For three days I've been sending objects into the void."

HTWD: The silk panties I've been saving for a special occasion.

SL4: One ladle full of brown gravy.

TBH: The Cabbage Patch Kid I bought at the yard sale. What was I thinking?????

Quinn: "A paper airplane."

SL4: I knew all the years I spent in detention for making those would pay off some day.

Quinn: "Rubik's cube."

TBH: Good >:-#ing riddance!!!!

Quinn: "Even T-Rex."

HTWD: That's the LAST time I'll EVER see a dinosaur!

Quinn: "I figured the carnivore could take care of himself."

SL4: Oh yeah. Some kid is frying him on a grill along with a G.I. Joe on some other world as we speak.

Quinn: "All vanished without a trace."

TBH: Along with any hope that this movie will ever get started!

Quinn: "Last night I perfected a timing device designed to return things back from ... wherever it is they're going."

HTWD: I'd say there is one pissed off Quinn double on another world wondering who keeps getting into his basement and throwing >:-# on the floor!

Quinn: "I sent another object in 19 minutes 40 seconds ago, with the timer set for 20 minutes. With any luck, it should be returning, right about..."

SL4: Opps! I set the time right but put in yesterday's date!

<vortex opens as Quinn says "now" and a basketball comes out>

TBH: Thank God I'm back! You sent me to Golf World, you moron!

Quinn: "And the crowd goes crazy."

HTWD: That's only because they saw through the vortex to a world where Quinn stops watching this interminable tape and gets up and does something!

<Quinn freeze frames the tape, gets up and walks over to the camera with Schrödinger under his arm>

HTWD: I meant something BESIDES playing with your camera.

Quinn <turning on camera and speaking into it> : "September 26th. I've been thinking about sending Schrödinger through"

SL4: But he's been dead too long. He'd be all nasty by now. So instead I'll send this cat.

Quinn: "First cat into the void."

TBH: With the cat's luck, he'd be sent to Mice Big As Horses World. Thanks master.

HTWD: >:-# him. Let 'em take his chances.

TBH: Bad dog!

Quinn: "But if anything were to happen I knew I couldn't live with that."

SL4: Lemme get a couple seasons under my belt before I become a cold hearted scumbag.

Quinn: "Still, the need to know overwhelms the human instinct for self-preservation."

TBH: Speak for yourself. I don't need to know anything bad enough to step into something I created with a blender hotwired to the sump pump.

Quinn: "Course, sending the camera's the logical choice..."

HTWD: So I'm not going to do it.

Quinn: "But the electrical field nukes the picture. So ... tomorrow morning, I myself will step through the gate ... and finally see ..."

SL4: What the world would have been like if The Executive had been a Friends fan instead of a Sliders fan.

Quinn: "what's on the other side."

TBH: And if I don't survive, somebody please tell Elton John, "NO!!"